Denial

Levi walked briskly through the extensive corridors of the HQ. It hadn't even been five minutes since he had returned. Lara hadn't been out of his mind for a second since he left for Stohess. Was she okay? Had her fever gone down? What could he do for her? He thought about how he wished there was a sort of real-time communication device he could use to talk with Hange.

Hange… How was she doing? How would she react when meeting him again? Levi hated being in that heavy atmosphere in her presence, and worse, he hated himself for knowing that deep down, he was the cause of it all.

His footsteps synched with the beats of his heart, worried about Lara's state. He felt an immense urge to hug her. He had only been gone for a day, but he felt something that connected with a vague memory of his own childhood. Levi missed Lara. Just like when his mother would go out to meet her clients and leave him alone in that room of the underground. That was what he felt, he missed his mom. Now he wondered if Lara felt the same way about him…

He arrived at Hange's bedroom door and knocked loudly. He heard someone say "come in!" and opened the door. Hange was standing beside her bed, packing what appeared to be a small suitcase with what Levi identified to be some of Lara's clothes from the Survey Corps, like some shirts, pants, a pair of boots, etc. Hange didn't realize it was Levi and continued to concentrate on her task.

"Hi…" he said, a little breathless, "I'm back."

Hange was startled by his sudden appearance in front of her, placing her hand on her chest.

"Hi, Levi," she said, slowly leaning against the desk between the two single beds. She had a tired look, "Was it all right back in Stohess?"

"Yes," replied Levi, his shoulders up and down with his breath as he looked around. "The horses are fine and ready for tomorrow's mission. How's Lara? Where's she?"

"She's downstairs with Nanaba and Mike, helping them make the final preparations for the mission," replied Hange, gazing deep into Levi's eyes. "Your suggestion did work. Last night I gave her a warm bath. It didn't take long and her fever finally went down. She slept through all night and woke up as if nothing had happened. She left here in the morning, running as usual," Hange chuckled, now looking down at the floor, "Go figure…"

Levi's shoulders finally relaxed and he felt like it took a huge weight off his heart. He sensed that Hange wasn't as angry as before, but he noticed she was still acting in a strange way. He stood in the middle of the bedroom, squeezing his hands, looking away from her.

"What are you doing?" he dared ask.

"Packing some of Lara's clothes," replied Hange, putting some more pieces in the suitcase. "Since it's her first mission, I don't know how many clothes she'll end up getting dirty."

"Sure… You're right," said Levi, nodding.

Silence fell over them two and Levi watched Hange finish packing the clothes, zipping the suitcase with a certain brutality. He felt his heart pulse in his ears and his breathing was uneven.

"Hang–"

"Levi," she cut it short, sharply, arms akimbo, "we need to talk."

"Yes…" he replied, after a few seconds of silence.

Hange looked up at the ceiling, closing her eyes. Then she pressed her lips together and blew out air, now gazing deeply at Levi.

"Lara…" she started, leaning back on the desk, "called me 'Mom' yesterday." Hange held her chin, thoughtfully, and lifted a finger. "Actually, she specifically called me 'Mommy'."

Levi opened and closed his mouth, looking astonished, but no sound came out of it.

Hange started walking slowly toward him, with an intimidating posture. It was the first time Levi cringed in her presence.

"And…" she continued, with firm steps, stopping just a few centimeters from Levi's face, who was gazing up, perplexed, "In all my life, I could never imagine that a simple word could carry such a big meaning."

Hange could feel Levi's breath, which was warm. They looked at each other for just a few seconds, but felt like an eternity. Levi then looked away, now staring at the floor.

In his mind, a voice said that he knew where Hange was going with that matter, but he wanted to shut that voice up.

"So," Hange continued, with Levi looking at her again, "I'd like to say that I'm willing to take on this role from now on. And I'd like to know if you're willing to take yours."

"I… Don't know what you're talking about," replied Levi, frowning. He felt a lump in his throat.

"Oh, you don't?" Hange boldly asked.

"I do not," Levi said loud and clear.

Now, Hange's expression was one of anger. Her eyes turned red as her chest swelled and, as if spitting out something disgusting, Hange said the following words:

"You're a terrible liar," she turned her back on him, placing both hands on the desk, then sighed. "Levi, can you not see?"

Hange turned back to him once more, but now with a sweet look.

"I know that from the first time you saw her, Lara awakened something in you," she said, now approaching him again, "it's clear what you represent to her."

Levi shook his head in denial, pressing his lips together.

"You can deny it as much as you want," Hange gave a sad smile, "but, your eyes don't lie. I see that deep down, you know you are her fath–"

"I'm not her father!" retorted Levi, explosive, "This is a pure invention of your head, Hange! The only relationship Lara and I have is of a Tutor and an Apprentice, that's all."

Hange laughed so loudly, it startled him. She covered her mouth and turned around in disbelief.

As he watched Hange, Levi repeated in his mind, "I'm not her father. I'm not her father. I'm not her father. I can't be… I can't be…"

"Tutor and Apprentice?" asked Hange, sarcastically. "Very well, then…"

Hange headed for Lara's bed. Leaning against the headboard, there were two rag dolls. She took one of them and handed it to Levi.

"Tell me, Tutor," said Hange, "who bought these dolls for Lara?"

Levi looked at the doll in his hand. He did it. He was the one who bought it. One of them he bought when he went downtown for a walk with Lara and Hange, and when they passed in front of a toy store, Lara gazed at the doll, with a gleam in her eyes. Half an hour later, Levi handed her a package, with the same doll inside. The other doll he gave of his own free will, when he passed in front of the same store again, but at that time all alone, and thought that Lara would like it, and gave it to her as a gift on the same night, making her practically climb on his back, such happiness she felt.

"I did it…" replied Levi, almost in a whisper. Hange asked him to say it again and, angrily, he repeated, "I did it!"

"I'm glad you know it!" said Hange in an ironic tone, now heading to the wardrobe next to her bed. She took two pieces of everyday clothing, which Lara wore on weekends. "Who gave these and the other clothes to Lara? Was it Erwin, by any chance? With the Survey Corps' funds? Answer me, if you are so intelligent!"

Slowly putting the doll back on the bed, Levi looked at Hange, crestfallen. He did it as well. Aside from the Survey Corps uniform she wore back in Shiganshina, Lara didn't own any other piece of clothing, as her old dress was deplorable and ended up being thrown away. Clothes were expensive because they were all handmade, so people didn't tend to have many. But even though Erwin released a small fund to buy some basic items for Lara, Levi bought most of the pieces with his own money.

"I did it, Hange…" he replied, softly.

"Very good!" she said, putting away the clothes and slowly approaching Levi. "Now answer me... When Lara gets hurt in training, who gets desperate and makes her the bandages themselves, even if we have prepared nurses for this exact function?"

Hange started circling around Levi, hands behind her back and head up.

"Who comes here every single morning to comb Lara's hair?" Hange laughed, "God, only you to do that ponytail. I've tried a thousand times and I just can't do it."

Levi followed her with his eyes, his knuckles turning white from squeezing them so hard. As she circled around him, Hange began to pretend she was counting something on her fingers.

"Who plays tea time with her on the floor, here in the bedroom? Who lets Lara mess up their hair, because she wanted to try a new hairstyle? Who catches her when she decides to jump from one of the trees? Who ends up sleeping in weird positions because Lara used them as a pillow?"

Hange stopped abruptly, staring deeply into Levi's eyes, which now were red.

"Who sings for Lara?" asked Hange, noticing a flash of fear pass through Levi's eyes. "Oh yeah, my dear… It's no use hiding that you sing when you're alone with her. My ears work very well."

Hange slowly approached Levi, standing face to face.

"Who does all this? And I didn't even list everything, huh?! Answer me, Tutor."

"I do," he thought, "I do it."

Levi closed his eyes, pressing his lips together. His heart was pounding and thoughts filled his mind, flashes of moments he had spent in Lara's company. Hange was right. Ever since he had met that girl, something had awakened inside him, but he couldn't identify what it was.

He would never forget the moment he heard her story in that cabin in the Forest of Giant Trees, where he tried to hide in the shadows of the wall, and not show the tear that ran down his face.

He would never forget when they were on their way to Shiganshina and Lara told her "experience", where his heart burned with every word that came out of that child's mouth.

He would never forget the strong urge to protect her as soon as he saw that Garrison Regiment guard, who had covered up the crimes of the people who threw children outside the Walls.

Levi was reluctant to admit it, but just like Hange, the last few months had been the best of his life. His days were usually gray, with memories of loved ones who were already gone, and he couldn't do anything to bring them back. But now, every morning, when he got out of bed and remembered that at some point of the day he would spend in Lara's presence, a little smile would form on his lips, and the bad memories became less frequent.

But being Lara's father would be a mistake. He didn't want that responsibility, because he felt he would fail miserably at this task. Levi didn't have many father figures in his life, and the only one he remembered he had been with, had abandoned him, without even saying goodbye or explaining why he left, making the wound in his heart even bigger.

No… Levi didn't want that. He didn't want Lara to feel what he felt. She didn't deserve this. Something in Levi's mind told him that eventually, he would let her down, just as the others had let him down. He didn't want that cycle to repeat once more, not with Lara. She deserved much better.

Levi shook his head in denial again. His eyes burned. He lifted his head to face Hange, who had tears running down her cheeks. That sight only made his heart ache even more.

"Hange…" he began, his voice breaking. Levi felt that at any moment, the tears could give him away and he tried to suppress them as best he could, "I don't fit in this role..."

This time, Hange really let out a loud sob and turned away from Levi. The Captain's body was shaking and he was biting his lips so hard, they began to bleed.

"Levi…" Hange turned back to him, holding the sides of his arms with some kind of despair, "Please, open your eyes! You are Lara's father and–" Hange licked her lips, blushing, "She's our daughter. It's not something you choose, it's something that… just happens."

At the moment Hange said "our daughter", Levi felt his body weaken and thought he would literally pass out. For a second, the same feelings he had had in the refectory last Monday got back into his heart and he wanted to hug Hange right away. Levi thought he was about to explode.

Hange took a good look at Levi's face and noticed he seemed to be in a lot of pain. Frowning lines formed around his eyes, which were very red and teary.

But Levi continued to deny it. He couldn't do that, not with Hange, let alone Lara. Tomorrow, he could come home with the two of the girls wrapped in a cloth, or not even that. Tomorrow, he himself might not return to the Headquarters.

No. They didn't deserve this. Neither Lara nor Hange.

Hange. His heart would pound faster only at the thought of her name.

Levi was pretty sure she thought he was a coward. In the end, that is what he was. On the outside, he might have this thick, hard shell, and even be humanity's strongest soldier, but on the inside, he was the most cowardly of all men.

"No…" said Levi, at last, "I am not Lara's father. And I never will."

At that moment, Levi and Hange heard a noise coming from the door. When they looked at it, Lara was standing in the doorway. She was holding a sheet of paper and her mouth was slightly open.

"Lara…" whispered Hange, shocked, "What are you doing here?! Shouldn't you be helping Nanaba and Mike?"

"I…" said Lara, slowly, as if she was hypnotized, "As soon as I heard Levi had returned, I rushed here."

"How long have you been here?" asked Hange, stepping forward. Levi had an astonished expression and his jaw was trembling.

"Long enough…" replied Lara. She closed and opened her eyes and slowly pointed a finger at Levi, "You…"

He felt a shiver down his spine and swallowed hard.

"I…" continued Lara, "I was like someone who had walked in a scorching desert for a very long time…"

She stepped forward. Lara seemed to be in a trance, as she spoke in a somber tone.

"And then…" she continued, gazing at Levi's eyes, "You showed up in front of me, holding a glass of crystal clear water…"

Levi's heart was beating so fast, he thought someone might hear it. His face was completely colorless.

"… And you simply poured the water away on the ground, making me believe that I could drink it."

Covering her mouth with both hands, Hange stared at Lara and Levi. Then, slowly, Lara turned her back and started walking out the bedroom. Before disappearing from sight, she gazed at Levi.

"Forgive me…" said Lara, her eyes full of tears, "I won't bother you anymore," and she left, dropping the sheet of paper she was holding, which flew slowly and landed in one of the corners of the corridor.

Hange felt her legs give out and she sat down on her bed, sobbing. Levi was completely frozen and from the middle of the bedroom, his eyes were now staring at the empty corridor. This wasn't happening, it could only be a nightmare, a horrible nightmare…

In an impulse, Levi walked out into the corridor, just in time to see Lara almost turn around the corner.

"Lara!" he exclaimed in desperation, "Please, wait!"

With her face hidden by the shadows, Levi could only see an intense glimmer in her eyes. Lara's expression was sinister and grim, making Levi shiver. He had never seen her like that. Before disappearing completely down the corridor, Lara glared right into Levi's eyes and said:

"I hate you."

On one of these days, in a silly thought, when analyzing the ODM gear blades, Levi wondered how he would feel to have one of these pierced through his chest. After listening to Lara's words, he was now sure what it would have felt like.

His body couldn't take it anymore and he slowly slipped to the floor, leaning against the wall. His vision was blurry and he felt as if he was in a dream. Levi shook his head, coming to his senses, and looked toward the bedroom. Hange watched him from the door.

"Levi…" she said, with an expression of great pain and tears running from her eyes, "How long are you going to push away the few people who still consider you as a family?" And Hange closed the door, leaving Levi sitting on the floor of the dimly lit corridor.

There, in the darkness, Levi felt extremely alone. Looking to his side, he spotted the sheet of paper Lara had dropped.

It was a drawing. Indeed, her classes with Moblit were giving some good results, because, despite having childish traits, it was a very well-executed drawing. In the middle of the sheet, a large figure of Levi and Lara was drawn, with their swords raised to the sky. Above their heads, in capital letters, was written:

"WE'RE GONNA NAIL THIS MISSION!"

At the bottom of the sheet, like a book dedication, there was another sentence, which after reading, Levi could not hold back his tears anymore:

"Welcome home, Daddy."