Chapter 6

Katie

Avery leads me into the living room while my heart is racing in my chest. He sits down, pulling me down with him. The painful expression on his face is almost too much to bear. He takes my hands in his, looking down at them, and swallowing hard.

"What is it, Avery?" I hate how distressed I sound.

"Remember I told you that I had gotten a lead on your case, the reason why I had left the hospital?" He is still looking down at my hands, why won't he look at me?

"I remember." I am mumbling like a child who is in trouble with their parents.

He takes a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. "Katie, I know who is responsible for what happened to you." He finally looks up at me, his eyes are solemn, glistening with unshed tears.

I can feel how hard my heart is beating and how quickly it is increasing. I swallow hard, my throat suddenly feeling dry. My breathing becomes shallow and uneven, I can almost feel the hand over my mouth now. I remember the panic I felt when I was grabbed from behind. My body is suddenly chilled, my mind is foggy, and I feel dizzy. I feel the sweat forming on my brow, and I notice how I am shaking involuntarily. There is suddenly pain in my head and chest.

"Katie, are you alright?" The concern is etched across his face, as he looks into my eyes, looking for reassurance that I am okay. My eyes are pleading with him, as he pulls me into his lap and wraps his arms around me. "It's okay, Katie, breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth, slowly. Do it with me Katie." I follow his lead, inhaling when he does, exhaling when he does, and repeating. It is a slow descent from the crippling anxiety that consumed me. Avery looks at me again, the pained expression still painted on his face. "Are you okay now?" I nod my head up and down in confirmation. He takes a deep, slow breath again, exhaling slowly. "Katie, I need you to listen to me. Don't interrupt or react until I finish. Can you do that for me, please?" Still reeling from my anxiety attack, I nod my head in confirmation again, unable to speak. Uncertainty consumes me as I look up into Avery's eyes.

"The night of your assault, I had gone out with Wayne and Troy to celebrate my new job." Avery rubs the back of his neck, panic clear in his voice. "We were all drinking and was joined by an old high school friend of ours, Vanessa." Avery slides me out of his lap and back onto the couch. He repositions himself so that his arms are resting on his legs. His head has fallen forward, and he closes his eyes. "Vanessa and I left together after having way too much to drink. I remember us making some ridiculous plans, but some other things about that night had been unclear until the day Adrian was born." He looks up at me, his eyes are so full of shame. "Vanessa is known for being promiscuous, she wanted to participate in a role play with me. I am not proud of the fact that I agreed to it." Jealousy eats away at me, why is he telling me this? I don't want to hear about his past sexual relationships. I keep quiet, because I had promised that I would, until he finishes. "We agreed to role play a rape." Avery looks over at me now, his face drawn up in disgust, clearly ashamed of this confession. My heart rate picks up again, but rather than anxiety, I feel anger. Why the hell would he agree to role play a rape? He is a cop, he should know the severity of that violent act, why would he willingly seek sexual gratification from it? He draws in another deep breath, "That was what had brought me into that alley, I didn't know Katie, I swear to you, I didn't know, I thought it was her." He is sobbing, his face buried in his hands, and I feel numb. The realization slowly sets in, clearly it wasn't Vanessa he found in that alley, it was me. A weight slams into my chest, and a sob escapes from me as I quickly jump up from the couch, backing away from Avery. He looks up at me, the most painful expression on his face, his eyes are imploring me to reassure him.

In a voice just above a whisper, I ask, "It was you?" I guess I need to hear him say it.

He stands up and heads toward me, but I back away immediately, causing him to stop in his tracks. Worry crosses his facial features before he looks down, defeated, and whispers, "Yes." My hand covers my mouth, tears forming and falling from my eyes.

"If you didn't know, how did you figure it out?" I don't recognize my scratchy voice; I sound like my mouth is full of sand.

"Troy was there. He saw the whole thing. That is why he had been acting so weird, guilt I guess." Avery is watching me, cautiously. "It wasn't brought to my attention until the day Adrian was born. Then I saw him, I saw him, and I knew that it was true." Tears are slowly rolling down Avery's cheeks. He is still watching me closely, gauging my reaction. "Katie, I am so sorry, I honestly didn't know, I never once thought that it wasn't Vanessa, there was even a part of me that thought it didn't actually happen at all when I woke up in my home, alone. Even when you were recalling the events of that night as I took your statement, I never once thought that it could have been me." He looks wrecked, and I want to be sympathetic, but my hands are clenched tight, and I can feel my anger growing.

"Why would you do that? Why would you agree to role play a rape?" I don't feel like I know this man at all. I cannot imagine the Avery that I know wanting to partake in that. The man I fell in love with would not be so crass about a rape.

Avery still watches me intently, "Katie, I had a lot to drink. I know that doesn't excuse it, but that is why I was a lot looser with my actions than what I would have normally been." His eyes are pleading with me.

My feet start moving of their own accord, I walk past Avery heading toward my bedroom, when I feel his hand catch my wrist and pull me back around toward him. Tears are streaming down my face, but I am so confused as to how I am feeling. This whole situation feels unreal, this is not how my love story is supposed to go. Avery's eyes are looking back and forth between mine, his voice is soothing, "Katie, please, don't shut me out. As fucked up as it is, fate brought us together through this, it gave me you and a son. I don't want to lose either of you." Suddenly, Avery's comment to Adrian and his adding his name to the birth certificate makes sense. All this time I was worried about whether Avery would want to step up and be Adrian's father, when he already is. I feel so disoriented, I know Avery had not intentionally hurt me, and sure, he and this Vanessa heifer have a sick sense of humor, but fate did take it from there.

"Avery, I…." He lets go of my wrist, his head dropping to his chest. I reach up, take his face in both of my hands. He looks up into my eyes again, "I need some time, please."

"I understand." He walks away from me, picking Adrian up from the bassinet, heads into the nursery. I follow him, watching from the doorway as he gently places Adrian into the crib and tells him good-bye. Tears form in my eyes again, then Avery walks over to me, kisses me, never taking his eyes off mine, "I love you, Katie, take all the time you need." I trail behind him as he walks to the door. He looks back at me one last time and leaves, taking my heart with him. I lean back against the door, sliding down until I land on my ass. I draw my knees to my chest, lay my head on my knees and sob.

Avery

The hardest thing I have ever done was walk out. I stand outside the door; I can hear Katie falling apart on the other side of it and it's taking everything in my power not to go to her. I know I need to give her the time she needs to work through this. I just dropped a major bomb, blowing up her life. I slide down the door and sit there, listening to Katie until her crying subsides. Once I know she has gone to bed, I get up off the porch and leave. I know things could have gone a lot worse than they did. Of all the emotions that I saw her go through during my confession, the one that hurt the most was the disappointment. I wanted so badly to solve this case for her, so that I could be her hero, not the villain. I drive aimlessly, my thoughts running on overdrive. I am unaware of where I am going, until I get there. I walk into the bar at the casino, head straight to the bartender and order a scotch on the rocks. I welcome the burn as I quickly swallow the amber liquid. I don't want to feel anymore, I just want to numb it all.

"Rough night?" I look over to my right at Troy, who has joined me at the bar. He isn't looking at me, he is looking off into the distance.

"Not my best." I look off into the same distance, trying to disconnect from reality.

"Want to talk about it?" Troy finally looks over at me, a pained look on his face.

"No, I don't." I sigh, as I look back over at Troy.

"You know, we are here for you." This comes from the left side of me, looking over at Wayne, concern contorts his face as he watches me.

"This fucking hurts." I inhale sharply, then finish off my drink. I tap the counter indicating I would like another. Troy signals for two more.

"I take it you told her?" Wayne inquires, as he places his hand on my shoulder.

"It was the hardest fucking thing I have ever done." I look down into my glass, fighting back tears.

"The hard part is over now." Wayne offers, then takes a swig of his drink.

"No, now the waiting begins." I look over at Wayne again, he nods in understanding.

"She loves you, Avery, she just needs time." Troy offers. I look over at him, giving him a weak smile. The three of us spend the rest of our time at the bar in silence. Just knowing that my two best friends are here is enough to keep me grounded. Although I feel like I am dying right now, I know Katie and I are not over. I know she needs time, and I love her enough to give it to her. I will follow her lead.