NO TURNING BACK | Chapter 16

Saturday, March 17th, 2029

SARAH

I sit up a little too quickly. Blood flows to my head and I feel dizzy. My breaths come out in short and shallow bursts. My eyes are scanning the room—a subtle light enters the room from the window on the other side. I blink a few times trying to remember everything I'd seen, everything I'd been told. Okay, so it was Jack's father…my…my grandfather? I still find it hard to believe that he could even be related to me, I mean, I hear about how the others talk about him, but I've ever only seen him that one time in the dream and even then he was encased in darkness. So, if that was my grandfather, then-

The door bursts open, a frantic Jay stumbles through, he looks like he's just woken up, hell, he probably did. "You aren't going to believe the dream I just had," He says in between breaths.

"You…too?"

"Too? Did you see the experiments in Germany?" He asks.

I nod my head slowly, remembering the face of Ken Schröder as the life left his body.

"Yes."

"So…that's where it begins, then. This whole mess is brought on by…"

"Not even by Jack…but his father," I finish.

Jay nods his head slowly, "We have to move. I have a bad feeling about all of this and we need to move as quickly as possible," he says frantically.

"Okay, do you want me to wake the others?"

He shakes his head no, "I'll get them. Just look around for anything we could use…like food. See if you can find any food."

"O-Okay."

The fact that he didn't say anything about Lindsey worries me, maybe he didn't see that also? He nods his head and backs out from the doorway. I rub my eyes and I stand. I can feel my head clearing as I take a deep breath. I grab my coat off of the bed and walk out of the room. I can hear Jay outside of the room yelling up to Lindsey and Andy awake.

Out of the bedroom I walk and I open another pair of doors leading into a narrow hallway. At the end of this hallway reveals another doorway and behind that I walk into the kitchen. It looks like a mini version of a resturant's kitchen, metal counter tops with rolling carts spread all over the place. Just how long had this placed been abandoned? If it was for the entirety of the government's accident…then any food not canned would be worthless to us.

I step over one of the overturned carts, making my way to the cupboards that are stacked up high on my left. The first set reveals absolutely nothing inside. An overwhelming sense of hunger overpowers me, I'd been running on absolute adrenaline for who knows how long. I chastise myself silently for how long I let myself go without food. I open up the second cupboard to find a couple of boxes of store bought noodles, unopened popcorn bags, half eaten pop-tarts and about seven cans of tomato soup.

Score. Except…is unopened popcorn good for a long time? Dang, I wish I knew. I move onto the final cupboard to check its contents and it hides three cans of peas and corn inside. I'm hungry I could eat these can and all. I gather the corn and pea cans in my hands and step back. I hold them all with my left hand while I reach into the other cabinet with my right to grab the popcorn and stuff it under my arm. Then I grab most of the cans of soup and balance it on top of the other ones in my left hand.

By the time I am finished I look like a leaning tower of possibly inedible food. I make my way over to the drawers beside the cupboards and I open them with my index finger, hoping the food doesn't fall down. Inside I find just what I was looking for, silverware. That, and I also find a can opener, to which I let out a breath of sweet relief. I'll just grab these on the second trip, then.

I make my way back into the hallway as the food threatens to topple over. I catch myself before I do and make my way out of the door without a problem. I hear heavy breathing as I see feet below the pile of food comes closer and closer to me, not stopping. I look up to see Andy running towards me, but he's looking behind him. He turns around a moment too late and we collide. The cans are the first to fly up, their arc the highest. The rest of the food lands on the ground around us.

"Ow Andy, you have to look where you're walking…" I bend down to pick up the can of soup that had rolled up against my foot.

"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't-"

"No, no, it's fine. Just, watch it next time, will you?" I say.

"Here, let me help you with that, we loading the car up with these?" He asks.

I nod. "I don't know how much of it is good, to be honest, the canned goods should be fine, but the others I just guessed and grabbed."

"Ditch the popcorn, we won't be near any microwaves anytime soon, plus, they dry out after like half a year anyway, and I think it's been here for much longer than that," he says.

"Oh…okay."

"The rest of this stuff should be good," he says, picking up almost all of the cans on his own. "I'll get these, actually, go and grab Lindsey for me, okay? I woke up and I guess she must've gotten up before me, I think she was in the bathroom."

"Alright, you be careful, don't collide into anyone else," I joke.

"Yeah, yeah."

"Oh, and after there's an open drawer in the kitchen, it's full of spoons and knives and forks and the like, grab some so we don't have to eat like neanderthals, would you?"

"Will do."

"Oh, and also grab the can opener."

"Got it," He says, nodding.

I nod back and turn around on my heels, walking towards the staircase. I climb each successive step, and then begin skipping steps until I'm up at the top. The second floor is only about ten feet above the first one. In front of me there are the seven doors I'd noticed yesterday, but now only one of the doors is actually open, the one that Andy'd come out of.

I step inside slowly, "Hey, Lindsey, you in here? We're getting ready to go!"

There isn't a reply back. I look over to the bed and see the sheets strewn about everywhere. The pillow on the farthest side has fallen onto the ground, and the one closest to me is balancing on the edge of the bed for what seems to be dear life. I turn to the bathroom and see that the light is on from underneath the door.

"Hey, you in there? Hello?" I walk up to the door and knock on it. Once again, no response. I reach for the handle and try to twist it open, but it doesn't budge. Now I'm pounding on the door. "Lindsey! Open the door! What's going on?" I can't help but let my voice raise to a near-scream. I'm pounding on the door and pulling on the handle until I hear footsteps behind me.

"What's going on? Is the door locked?" Jay asks, out of breath.

"I think Lindsey's in there, but yeah, the stupid thing won't open."

"Let me have a try at it."

I step back as he takes the door knob in his hands. He twists it a little until he sees that it won't open that easily.

"Okay, I may need to break the lock. Make sure you stay back."

"Gotcha." Jay readies his shoulder as he takes a few steps back.

"Be careful."

He gets a nice start as he rams the door once. It stands strong, much stronger than it looks, to be sure. Jay recoils a bit and rubs his arm. "Ow…Okay, that isn't coming down anytime soon, do we have any other ideas?"

"Maybe there's something else we can use to break the lock?"

"Did you see anything like that in the kitchen?"

"Not off of the top of my head, no, but maybe there's a hammer lying around in a drawer somewhere?"

"It certainly could be."

"Hey, something up?" I look up to see Andy in the doorway, looking straight at us. "Oh, Andy, we're trying to get this damn door open, we think Lindsey's inside."

"But she won't respond," I add.

"Really? I don't think I heard any noise coming from inside when I woke up,"

"The light's on, though," I say.

"I didn't turn it on…shit," he says, looking back to us. "We have to get this open NOW!" Andy says, running up to the door and grabbing the door knob.

"Andy we-"

I'm interrupted by the sounds of the tumblers unlocking and the door slouching open slowly. Inside I see Lindsey, she's lying against the toilet with one of her legs outstretched, the other bent to her chest. Her face looks lifeless, and in her left hand I can see what looks to be an empty pill bottle. Andy walks into the room slowly and drops to his knees. He places his hands on her shoulders, she moves lifelessly to his gesture, but doesn't seem to actually move. He checks her pulse with his right hand and looks back to us, he tells us what we're both thinking.

"She…she's gone, guys. She's dead."

ANDY

My insides have been ripped out. This would be a time where I'd look to Lindsey for help, where she'd convince me everything is going to be okay, and I'd do the same for her. We bounced everything off of each other, and that's why I can't even believe my own eyes right now. I cannot believe that this is anything that could ever happen in any world, ever. There's no way she wouldn't have told me. That's what they say, right? When someone close…goes.

I'm being shaken from behind, I turn to see Jay pulling on my shoulder, and then Sarah lending him a hand in yanking me out of the bathroom. Everything feels so surreal, as if it were in a dream. As if this were some figment of my imagination, a nightmare within a larger nightmare. The door shuts and we're all just looking at each other silently.

"Andy, I don't-"

I hold up my hand in response, the only response I can muster. She stops and nods her head.

"Andy, are you going to be okay?"

I stand up and take a deep breath. I walk out of the room slowly.

"You were able to open that door, that door was locked tight. I think you might be developing a talent. Maybe it's telekinesis?" Jay says.

I stop and turn around to face him. "Yeah? Well, it was quite the trade-off," I say, leaving the room. I don't look back as I walk down the stairs and out of the doors. I hear Jay and Sarah's footsteps behind me, they're whispering to each other, but I don't care to listen in. I walk through the cold winter winds, past the thick tree that stands erect in front of the inn. I walk across the way to the ZX Hybrid, my hand stops on the car door. I let it lie there for a second and my legs give out. My head falls against the car door and I hold myself up with my right hand. Tears escape my eyes, I let out a pained noise I don't even recognize coming from myself. I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Andy, it's going to be oka-"

What happens next seems to happen in slow motion. I remember turning around and throwing my arm up, screaming some guttural cry and I see Jay fly back against a tree. I hear a loud crack as he makes contact. He falls to the ground with a grunt. Sarah runs over to him, I see blood beginning to swell on the ground.

"Jay! Jay!"

She turns her head to me, "What the hell was that?!"

I turn my back towards the car and lean my head against it, not doing anything else other than breathing. My head pounds to the beat of a million tiny drummers. Everything around me hums in a faint sound and it all overwhelms me. I push myself up and my legs are shaking.

"Well? She asks me.

"Is he…?" I begin.

I hear a small noise come from Jay. I'm running over to his side next to Sarah, nearly falling over.

"Jay! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it! Damn fuck it!" I'm not even making sense anymore. He makes a motion with his hand, a silencing motion, shaking his head slowly.

"He isn't breathing, Andy, what do we do?" Sarah asks.

"I don't know! God damn this can't be happening right now..."

She looks for his pulse again, "He's gone."

I run my hands through my hair and let out a long exasperated breath, "Fuck!" I don't know what to do with what I'm feeling. I punch the tree. Once, twice, my knuckles are bloodied by the bark.

"Andy, stop! Please!" She looks at me and then down to the ground.

"Fuck! I didn't mean for any of this to happen!" I go down to my knees again. "Fuck!" I scream it louder.

She comes up to me and hugs me, "Listen, I can't imagine the pain you're feeling. I only knew them for a short time. And so close together, but you are still here."

"I sure as well don't deserve to be! Apparently!"

"Andy," She grabs my face. "You have every right to feel what you feel, but please be aware that something is awakening inside you. I'm not the mentor that Jay was, I don't know how you can control it, but you're going to need to. It seems to be amplified by your emotions."

"I..." My mouth is slower than my mind. I can't stop seeing her body. I throw up. I look at Jay. Bad idea.

"Things...are fucked up," Sarah says.

"That's...an understatement." I'm shaking. "I'm...I'm sorry you had to see..."

"It's okay...or at least...it will be. I know it doesn't help what you're feeling, but I think I know why...why Lindsey did what she did."

I look up to her.

"Last night I had two dreams. One about my grandfather—Jack's dad—and one about Lindsey. I think I was crossing into Jay's and her dreams like I do with John's. What I saw...she looked to be reliving the traumatic experiences before she entered Elysium."

"You...know about that?"

"It didn't seem to me that it was the first time she relived it. It was all so perfectly cut—rehearsed, like she's gone through it a lot."

"I..." I grip my hands hard into fists, "I didn't understand how much she still thought of it. I didn't know..."

"I don't know if she could have told you—not against you, but...that was tough for me to go through it."

"I should have helped her more—been more open to help." I grit my teeth and hold my fists tight. "Can you give me a minute? I...I need some space."

"Yeah, of course. I'll be just over here, okay?" She says, walking back to Jay's body.

I nod, just breathing. My body moves on its own—past Sarah and through the front door to the inn. It lumbers into the hallway and up the stairs, into the bedroom and then the bathroom. I kneel down beside her body, fixing her hair and looking at her eyes—wide and sad.

Part of me knew that on some level she was carrying more than she let on. She never wanted children because she was terrified that she couldn't love them. She was terrified not too long ago about loving me—everyone she'd placed that trust in stabbed her with it. I tried my best to convince her that she was worth loving—that I would be the one who would continue to love her.

Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I wanted to prove her wrong, we always got competitive. We were two fiery spirits that burned hot, loved hot, and fought hot, but I always knew the best of us was when we were together. Maybe I didn't do such a good job making sure she felt that way.

I remember when we met outside of Elysium for the first time. We were driving away from my home in Aurora—there wasn't anything left there for me—and we found her on the streets—on her way to me. I knew in that moment that her feelings toward me were real. I was broken then from everything that happened, but that's when I learned that she'd been broken for a long time. Two messes trying to find the pieces together.

If it was just us we probably would have broken apart much earlier—we were a mess after Elysium, but it wasn't just us. Gavin, Jen, and Jay were there. They helped us bounce back. They helped us love each other the way we were supposed to.

Only...we were still on our journey. Our quest. I always felt bad that her story with Radical-9 continued post Elysium, but she was in love with me, and I her. So it only made sense that she stayed. She offered, and I accepted. Although I should have known her offer wasn't true to her heart. It was true to mine.

"I'm sorry," I rest my hand on hers, and I start to break into tears. "I'm sorry I didn't love you like I should have. I hope...I hope that you're no longer in pain." I make a small sound and grip her hand tight, letting it all out.

~...~

The burial is quiet—quick. No words are exchanged. Tears wet the soil, and warm thoughts are sent into the ground. Sarah did most of the work—it's incredible the strength of that girl. She's thrown everything to the wind for this and has seen people die like that...but she hasn't broken down. She's almost half my age, I remind myself.

I think she's pushing through the pain for me. Forever an empath. I...I cannot break here. I cannot go back to the way I was. Lindsey helped me more than I could even begin to explain. And I owe it to her to keep strong. I owe it to myself not to ruin all our hard work. Mom, Dad, please keep an eye on her. Introduce yourselves. She didn't want to meet you, but you can show her that not everyone is out to hurt her. Please.

"I found the transmitter that Jay made in his jacket pocket," Sarah says, finally breaking the silence. "Seems like he managed to finish it before..." She doesn't know how to finish without hurting me, I know. I nod, and turn to her. The transmitter is a small thing—probably the size of a cellphone in her hand. On the face is a screen that is currently blank. "Lindsey was remarkable," Sarah says, "And you're right, she'd want you to keep living—all that living entails."

She reads my confused face, because I don't even get a chance to respond before she cocks her head, "Sometimes people's stray thoughts run into mine. I'd stop it if I could, I'm sorry if anything I hear is private."

I shake my head and take in a deep breath, "Thank you, for being strong when I wasn't." I look up, "I know that's not directly relating to what you said, but I needed to say it. I wish I could have been better, but I cannot change that. I can be better, now. And once we finish this I will be. We'll be who we're supposed to be. We'll be more than the virus."

Sarah nods, "Thank you, Andy."

"I think we should head out."

"Do you want me to drive?"

"Yes, I think so. You okay? I never asked you."

She nods, places her hands to the side and then runs one through her hair, "I'm heartbroken, but I can't feel that right now when John is in danger. He's still alive, so until we get him back then I'll let myself mourn the dead. I don't mean that to sound disrespectful," she says.

I shake my head, "No, I understand you. We're going to get him back."

"I hope so."

I climb into the passenger side of the ZX Hybrid. "Jay kept the gun for Jack in the glove compartment," I say, "I want you to know in case whatever happened with Jay happens again."

She doesn't respond, only sits in the driver's seat and turns it on. "We're going to need to refill gas at some point on this run," Sarah says.

I don't have to ask to know that she didn't answer because she's not considering the possibility of losing another friend. It's one thing to be with someone else, it's another to be alone trying not to break. "The next station we pass we'll try to get some, people there or not." I say, a silent agreement.

"That is, if there is any in the station to begin with."

"Well then, we better damn well hope that there is, because we have a long journey in front of us," I say.

"Okay, then let's kick this into overdrive," Sarah says.

"So, how long were you wanting to say that?" I ask as she pulls away from the inn at nearly sixty miles an hour.

"Since I first caught sight of it," she says and grins slightly. The car speeds across the road as if it were built to make this very journey. We're coming to save you John. I don't know how yet, but we will.

There's no turning back.