Thoughts of Death

Ravana has been gone for a week now and things have not been any better, in fact things have become worse, many more people are dying and there is nothing the hospital can do to save them. Initially we thought the virus was something we would be able to cure once we had started studying it but over time we noticed that the virus was not so easily cured because it was changing on a molecular level.

We still do not have the details for what exact thing is happening to them but we know that people are dying and are dying fast. Unlike many of the doctors here I deeply care for my patients, I try my best to ensure that they're always okay and care more genuinely for their health more than the health of their pockets. Not so much lately though, I've been constantly ignoring the glaring red flags in front of me and all for what? More money? More respect? More status? To keep my job? Whatever it is makes me just as pathetic as the rest, because while I do not adhere to it entirely, I do nothing to change it as madness and chaos is surely descending, slowly eating away at the flesh and brain of the patients. 

My thoughts are interrupted by Nurse Joy barging into my office for the umpteenth time today, "We need you Doctor, another one is going down." That has me on my feet faster than I could think and I plead with my patient mentally to stay with me. 

I must be unwell because I have been lying here for the past 30 mins just thinking and being plagued by my own guilt. I would've thought after losing patients old and new throughout the week my mind would be accustomed to the numbing sensation and my body to the heavy cold pit that settles in my bones, but no. I can't get over any of them, Avery, Thomas, Lila, Killian, Chantae, Ravan-. My mind cuts off at the thought of her name, I had been avoiding thinking about her because she was my first loss, or at least that's what I've been telling myself to get by. 

Deep down I know that the reasons I keep on preventing myself from thinking of her as my first lost patients is because it means two things, one is that I'd have to accept that they are well and truly dead which was a pill I didn't want to prescribe for myself just yet, and two, would mean that the one the I've believed would always find a way (science), is failing to do so. I know those aren't the only reasons I can't think of her though because with all the other patients, my brain has somewhat fallen into an accepting ache, but her name makes an uncomfortable pulse vibrate through the silence of my mind.

With Ravana, rather than just being a lost patient she oddly feels like a lost friend, even though we have barely known each other for a few weeks and even then there was little to no conversation, so why was I silently mourning her death? Was it pity or was I so lonely that I drew to the very first flicker of attention that came my way, which is now gone. 

A few more seconds of silence pass before I hear Nurse Joy's hurried footsteps coming down the hallway and without missing a beat, and rather than letting her barge into the office and do further damage I take the initiative to meet her at the door, equipment already in hand. 

"Who is it this time?" I inquire. `

" Felicity," she replies calmly, but I don't miss the knowing look in her eye. I think it's starting to show how much of an effect these past few weeks have been taking on my health, and on that thought, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm coming down with something as well. 

Over the next few days I progressively became worse, sporting eyebags attached to sunken eyes and dramatically drawn physique. It wouldn't even take a doctor to figure out what was happening, whatever was going around, I had it, we still didn't know how it was even transmitted but we could all tell it was spreading like wildfire. I was currently on my way to a meeting with rest of the doctors that could afford to be off duty, either from being too sick, or didn't have enough patients to attend, which was almost all of us,

About three days ago, people stopped visiting the hospital, and preferred to stay at home with their family when they realized there was nothing the hospital or government could do to help them. I couldn't even blame them for that, if I had a family in their case I would probably be doing the same.

To put it plainly, everyone was dying. 

There was nothing noteworthy in the meeting, and I mean that literally as it barely happened. The Superintendent was as ill as anyone of and damn near collapsed in giving his presentation, so he had to cut the meeting short in a fit of coughs. To sum up the presentation however, at first we thought the virus was targeting a particular blood type that was becoming increasingly popular in the last 4 decades. We soon realized that was not the case as soon as we got the first two cases that were not related to this blood type. I'd like to believe that people were a little fearful but until it was proven that all blood types were affected by this disease, there wasn't true panic. 

The rest of the week passed uneventfully, which was ironic given that more than 10,000 people were dying everyday and the government was in complete disarray. After dealing with it for the past two weeks, it feels like the norm. I'm currently bedridden at home after being laid off from the hospital two days ago after collapsing, I was told I was no longer fit for duty. I didn't even bother collecting my things, what's the point, I estimate I'd be dead in the next 12 hours.

I was watching the country's descent into absolute mayhem, when my eyelids started growing heavy, I was feeling a slight heat build up in my head, and I recognized it as the same symptoms all my patients felt before they died. Even though the pain would appear in different places, it was undeniable that it was there for all of them, we never quite found out why that was. A dry chuckle left my parched lips and a smooth but the sand-like sensation went down the length of my throat simultaneously, the virus reiterating it's presence in body as I would forget it from the momentary joy. I felt the inescapable darkness come to claim my vision, knowing that there wasn't a chance that I would wake up from my dreams this time. I let my eyelids close with a few thoughts in mind 'Is this what they felt like?' 'Were they feeling more pain?' 'Were they at peace?' 'Could I have saved her…..'