Chapter 14: letter
Are there times that you thought of a boy as a girl? Or a girl as a boy? Well lots of people are confused because there are boys who look like a girl and girls that look like a boy. At first you think that they are just gays or lesbian but there are really a people who is pure girl or boy even their looks doesn't match their gender.
At first look or at first glance you may be deceived that this girl is a hunk lesbian who is bolder than other guys. She walks like a man, dress like a man, act like a man but she said that she is a straight lady. She is a girl but you can't see her wear make-ups or heels. She is a girl that refers playing sports like basketball or soccer than going on shopping. A girl who rides a motorcycle fearlessly. A girl who is not fan of pink and flowery stuffs. A girls who much refer new mp3 games rather that flowers and chocolates. A girl that is one of the boys.
Wada Japana grew up in a surrounding full of boys. Her mother passed away in an early age and all left is her father and three older brothers. So it is not already questionable why she is like that, acting like a man. No one will taught her how to apply make-up or the perfect dress for her. She grew up wearing loose shirt and jeans, her cap on her head and sneakers. Even she is the only rose among the thorns she still look like a thorn than a rose. A princess that wear a prince's cape. Rather than learning how to be modest and fair, she learned how to fight and play different sports. You can't see a single mark of being a lady in her except that when she wear the school uniform that she need to use a skirt but that there is no thing you can see.
When she reached high school she leave her family behind and live alone. It was all in her plan, after studying she want to leave this place and go from far away country where no one knows her. Yes. She is the only girl in the family, most of the people who is in her situation mostly treated as a princess or a spoiled brat but she is different, she believe that she is an outcast. Her family is rich in talents and brains yet she don't have those skills. Everything that her brothers are good at, she's not. There are times she feels that she's not part of it. She cries alone and suffer in the dark, she can't even complain nor wish. In school she's hyper, smart and jolly but at home it is the other way around. Her actions are limited she's afraid that they will get angry at her. She's like a princess trapped in the tower.
In the age of four her mother suffer from an illness that soon get her life. Even she's not already by her side, every year at the same date in her birthday she receives a letter from her mother. She knows that before she go, those letters are already made and prepared. It is sad to know that the people you hope who will accept and love you no matter what are the very first people who will turn their back at you and bring you down. It is sad to know that a family should cheer you up and comfort you but they judge you without knowing your side. She never heard them asked if she's okay or how is school, if what she likes and don't. They don't even know her favorite color and all the things she want to burst out, her best friends are there. She's boyish and act like a man but she's a girl too who is sensitive and get hurt in little ways then why her family can't understand that. People have different feelings and emotions, she's different why can't they accept that. She's trying her best even not like them who is the best among the best but she's trying, why they can't see that. Why they can't be proud of her. Why can't she find someone who understands. She can't even remember when was the last time she blew a candle in her birthday cake.
When she was young she always complain why is she the only girl, she also want a sister who can play with her because her brothers are bullying her. Then when she reached middle school, she understand and feel lucky that being the only girl is cool and happy. Someone out there wish to be in her place. Someone wants also a big brother who can protect and take care of you. She's so proud in the family she belong. Then high school once again brought her down. She can't believe that a family that she hope who will understand the most will turn their back at her. They can't see what is good in her, other people can see those like what she's good at and not, what are her likes and dislikes but her family doesn't. She can't even tell them a story about what is happening on her like who is her crush at school or her best friends. She feels that little by little she burning in just staying there. She feels that she's not part of this family. Why? Why she can't run to them when she want to cry. Why she can't tell them why she's happy. Why they can see her worth behind those unworthy that they saw. Why she's speechless when she's with them. Why is her room is her only comfort zone. Why?
Even she's still not capable, she leave them and live on her own. After that she never visit or called them. There are times she wished that she belong to a different family but she still consider herself lucky cause some people out there doesn't have one, someone out there wishes to have brothers or father, some people out there suffers more than she do. Keeping that in mind she stay there. Every time they hurt her, she don't say a word, instead she cry alone when no one is around. It is hard to be like that even she know that she's not the only person who is like that.
Dear Japana,
Happy fifth birthday. You grew up too fast I can't believe that you can run now and play with the other kids. It seems like it was just yesterday when I gave birth to you and hold you in my arms while you were crying for a wet diaper. I hope that you will grow a good girl like you are always been.
Dear Japana,
Happy seventh birthday. I wish I could see you grow as a beautiful lady and see where you take after. How I wish to cure those skinned knees you got while running and playing under the sun whole day. I bet you got so many friends now in your school.
Dear Japana,
Happy tenth birthday. Are your brothers still bully you? I wish that I can grand your wish when you blew that candles on your birthday cake. I promised that what ever you do, I will support you wherever I am I will watch over you.
Dear Japana,
Happy thirteenth birthday. You are now a teen age girl, don't entertain suitors yet okay. Wait for the right time until you finished your studies. Your friends are already different now as you move one step higher. Don't forget that you are a girl who is blessed, always.
Dear Japana,
Happy fifteenth birthday. Do you have already someone you like? I'm sorry that I have to leave you so soon that I can't give you advices but I know whoever you chose is the best option and let your brothers and father know him also because I know they know what a true man is and who is really good for you.
Every time she receive those letters even it is not already famous now, she still shed tears. They just spend a little time together and those people she hope to comfort her is not by her side. Those letters comfort her in loneliest time, those give her strength when she's down. She admit that she's not the most perfect or wonderful mother in the whole word but she's a mother she's most thankful in giving her a life.
She work as a part-time worker in a fast food restaurant at night and a student at day just to sustain all her needs. Thank goodness that she have a scholarship at school that she can have a free tuition and when there is an opportunity she grab it. It was almost a year and half she's been like this.
A man in his twenties slapped her face when she got home from work one night in her apartment. She can't figure out how her family found her place because she know that she cut all her ties and all possible clues where she will go when she leave them. "How dare you leaving us like that without saying anything. You make dad so worried about you. He was already old and have lots of illness yet he still go on his way to look for you until he has a heart attack while on the way. He didn't make it. He still mentioning your name until his last breath" She didn't notice that her eyes are getting blurry because of tears. She thought that her brothers will hug her and say that they misses her but she's wrong, well she don't remember that her brothers ever hug her and say that they love or misses her. A punched from her face makes her fall and another kick. She let them do that for they are blaming her for their father's death and she also blame herself.
She was asked one time during junior high that who she want to die first, if it is her father or her. Her classmates are asked the same question and all of them answer that they want their parents have a longer life than them. She is the only person answered that she want her father to die first before her. When she was angry or sad because of them, she wished that it is much better that they should have just die or it came to the point that she's asking her existence. But this time her explanation is different why she want her father to die first before her. The teacher is curious so she explain her answer standing in front of everyone.
"I want my father first to die before me. Well you see, I'm the only girl in the family. I'm his only princess, his very treasure. When I didn't call home that I will be late, he almost got a heart attack worrying about me. He was already old and have lots of illness, he also take so many medicines. So what if I will die first I know that he can't take it that he will follow me after in the other world. He can't take it if he will saw me in a coffin. So at least if he die first even it is also hard for me at least I know I can still take the pain. He was already weak also his heart, he can't take it if I will go first before him. I know that he will be in so much pain and because of that pain he may lost his life. I don't want to be the reason for his death. So if you're asking me who I want to die first is my father before me." Most of her classmates are in tears even her after giving her explanation to that question.
Her family is the main source that most of the time she's not herself, staring at the blank space and out of her mind. After that, her brother didn't even asked her if she doing fine or if she need something. Like they just went there to blame her for everything. They leave her place like it was just nothing. All the pain she felt since she was a child came back, those memories flashes after her eyes while lying on the floor. Like she was just exist so that they have someone to blame all the problems in their family, they have someone to get angry at if something not went in their way.
She thought a lot of time to take her life to end everything. She even wonder if someone will cry in her burial beside her friends. She really want to give up, she really want to end all the torture she got. She want to be special even just for one. She thought a lot of ways how to end it yet something is blocking her thought and it was her goal. She want to end the pain but she also want to achieve her goal in life.
Her eyes went dark and one thing is in her mind, she want them dead. After a couple of minute her brothers leave her place, she got up and took a kitchen knife. From the balcony she called her brothers who was about to get in the car hiding the knife in her back. Her brothers got angry when she called them back at her place again. "What!?", her brother asked in an angry tone when they enter in her room. Instead of answering back she brought the knife out and stabbed them one by one to death. She came into her senses and dropped the knife on the floor full of blood seeing the lifeless bodies of her brothers. Her hands are shaking staring those stains of blood in both of her hands. Regret is the only thing she feel at the moment. A tear fall in her right hand while catching her breath.
A death body of three young men found in her apartment after a week. The neighbors are complaining for a bad smell coming from that place. They were knocking the door to get rid of that smell but no one is answering until it came to the point that they asked the help of the law. Then there they saw a carrion and the tenant of that room got missing. They have found a kitchen knife beside the bodies that are used for murdering them and also the fingerprints of the tenant of that apartment are found in the used tool. That leaves that Wada Japana is the main suspect of the crime that adds that she goes missing for almost seven days.
Japana is hiding herself in the temple along the mountains to repent all of her sins at the same to hide. She know that she has to pay all what she had done so she decided to dedicate all of her remaining days in the temple.
Wada Japana is a sixteen year old girl who is an outcast in he own family since she was a kid. She is a boyish girl who is happy and jolly in school but not in the house. She acts and moves like a man but she's a hundred percent girl in heart, it just she grew up in an environment surrounding with men. She don't wear make-ups, mini-skirts, heels or sandals and accessories instead she wear loose shirts, jeans, cap and sneakers while holding a guitar. You will never see her scream and run if there are cockroaches flying around. She beat men who hits on her or fight. She's a boyish girl who is strong but deep inside is a weak lost girl drowning I n her own tears at night. Now she's the only person left in her family carrying their last name and never Wada will exist again.
"Did you hear? Japana killed her family and now she's gone missing" "Japana?" "Uhmm.. Yes? Our classmate that act like a boy but she's a girl" "I know her, did they found her already?" "Not yet, they've been looking for her for a couple of weeks. The police also went here many times asking for her" "I saw her one time but I'm not sure if she really is that person when I am visiting a temple behind the mountains last weekend"