Breaking Down

𝗛𝗶𝗺𝘂𝗿𝗮 𝗦𝗮𝘁ō

I could see the sun starting to set and during that time, I had only managed to go full circle of the entire maze which by estimation is about thirteen percent worth of progress.

My legs felt very tired so I headed back to the temporary camp about five minutes away from where I was. I took a left, right, right, left, center, another four rights, and finally left which led to a small dead end. There was no portal which made this a disadvantageous spot for me but what it did have was a comfortable patch of grass that would be great to lay down on.

I unequipped everything from my armor and waist packs and put them to the side before laying down on the patch of grass. My eyelids grew heavy and I sigh. "I was only walking for half a day, how am I this tired already? Or maybe I have just been wanting to be alone for quite a while."

My headache came back from earlier and I felt like vomiting but I bore it and stayed down to the patch of grass.

After resting for a bit, I opened my eyes but I didn't move. I remembered that time when I was sneaking my way into the inner parts of Kliyer and the feeling I got from it.

I touch my chest to feel my heartbeat but it was still the same as always. That night, I unconsciously smiled when I finally got in, truly unbecoming of me.

When I first felt the feeling of thrill, it was like, I was a sheep causing trouble to the shepherds. I knew well that I would get in serious trouble if I got caught but it also felt like I was truly freeing of everything, my job, my responsibilities, and everything else.

Every country no matter how big or small and whether it is here or on earth always preached about freedom in their country but such a thing is a lie.

Everyone is bounded by their country in one way or another. One could be bounded because of financial issues, preventing them from leaving their country but also the same country could offer that individual a job in exchange for money, and in exchange, they help their country progress by a fraction more.

That was the role of a citizen

If you're a person, you lose the privileges of being a citizen, you lose your rights and the protection of your homeland but being a person makes you free, having no rights and not belonging to a country means that you are not required to abide by their law.

When I felt that emotion, I became a person for that night, the job of being an adventurer no longer bound me when I started breaking their law.

I felt myself reminiscing about something.

'...hah, who was that guy again who explained to me the difference between a citizen and a person?' How many years has been since I graduated high school? A year maybe?

Back then, I was a foolish kid who loved art because it gave me a medium to express myself before life started hitting me hard, I was introduced to responsibilities that I wasn't capable of doing and I immediately broke and everything went downhill.

My relationships, friends, and even the drive of being an artist, slowly rot away.

When I finally got my first commission as a freelance artist, that was the day that I truly became a citizen.

I grasped my head with both of my hands and started to breathe heavily and I could feel my tears dropping to the ground.

"When? when did it all go wrong? where did it all start? what did I do to deserve such a thing?" I started having another depressive episode; Asking the same question over and over again knowing damn well that I don't have the answer.

"Am I ever gonna amount to something? Or am I just going to continue being a leech?" The tears won't stop coming and I felt myself spiraling down even more but thankfully even at my lowest, I was still self-aware.

As if a switch had been flicked, I forcefully stopped thinking of anything. My crying stops and my eyes become lifeless.

That's right, I remember the time when I told Shin how I dissected myself. I made it seem like I was never depressed but was only searching for something but in truth, I suppressed most of my emotions except for sadness and hatred or more specifically, self-loathing, and started analyzing everything even myself, it was like, this body of mine wasn't even mine anymore which was why I was able to stop it from thinking of anything with just a single flick of a switch.

I wanted to sleep on it, so I told my body to do so. The next time I wake up, I won't remember anything about what happened, my brain would have forcefully removed it from my memories as a defensive and coping mechanism to avoid another episode from happening any time soon.

I closed my eyes and slept, not even bothering to wipe my tears off.

*****

I tried opening my eyes but my eyelids were heavy for some reason. After a while, I see the moon staring at me. "Oh shit."

I was only supposed to take a short break but it seemed, I was more tired than I thought.

'Didn't I tell myself that I only wanted a short nap, not a power nap?' There was no one around me, not even that jade woman.

Even now, I still asked myself why she wanted to sleep with me even though that was the first time we met.

I tried remembering what happened before I went to sleep but there was nothing that I could remember. I didn't bring my lantern with me so right now, I had no light other than the bright moon above me.

After standing up, I took my armor and wore it. It was still tricky putting on my armor due to only having one arm. The harness had the function of locking an armor to it which I felt was a stupid design but I still bought it anyway for one function.

I remember I drew a character with the same leather harness and I remember that you could modify its side where you can put a gun holster or a sheath for a throwing knife.

My idea was that I could learn how to throw a knife with my off-hand accurately to unlock some ranged attacks in my arsenal but once again, I was reminded of the cruel truth, that I no longer had a left arm.

'Thinking about it now, what did I feel about this?'

I was calm when I realized it, no, I felt empty I didn't want to waste my energy on something that already happened so the best way to respond to it was to be empty.

Now that I know the answer to my question, I clear my head a bit and continue putting on my packs and swords silently before continuing again.

I look at the map, there was no path into the next layer of the maze but instead, seven portals that led into the next area. Upon drawing my longsword again, I looked at the first portal which was in the west, raising my body, I started walking to that portal.

*****

𝗔𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗗𝗮𝗿𝗸𝗿𝗶𝗻

I hate this, I don't want to be here. Right now, I am with six old researchers.

It wasn't because of my new job in this place but because of them, I despise talking like why can't I just research on my summoning magic already.

Currently, they are talking about a theory about the barrier being some sort of transmuted barrier.

Transmutation was a section of magic with one simple rule: "To create something anew, one must lose in exchange" in shorter terms, it was also called the law of equivalent exchange.

Right now, I am sitting at one of the corners of this large man-made room and although I disagree with their theory, I couldn't bring myself to say it.

'What if I'm wrong? What will happen after that?' My heart beats faster the moment I think about it so I cleared my mind.

Thankfully, they're a social bunch, people whom I hate the most but they frequently asked me about my opinions about the topic, and thankfully, I was able to provide them. I would make an excuse that I was a summoner but I learned the cruel truth, that I knew nothing about summoning, I only knew what I wanted to know and avoided seeing the bigger picture, and thanks to Himura breaking my bubble, I started learning about different topics which may relate to making more progress to reviving my parents.

We finally stopped our research for the day far earlier than usual, the reason for this was that tomorrow will be a testing phase where many of the scouts will guard us while we test our theories about it.

'Great, more people.' My heart starts to beat faster again.

After most of them left, a single old man approached.

"Not a people person eh? Don't worry they'll warm up to you soon enough." Another researcher like me talks in a tone like he was reminiscing about something.

Looking at him now, he had the appearance of a white-haired old man who seems to have been wearing the same old white coat; His body overall was far more healthy making him seem young but his face says otherwise.

I responded with a nod.

"Hey, Clustrin! Do you want drinks or not?"

Another researcher calls out to him.

"I'm coming! Jeez, some energetic old people they are eh?" He spoke as if he wasn't one of them for some reason.

"Well, I'll be seeing you tomorrow then."

Then he finally left the room. Even in the short time of the meeting, he brought far more mysteries than answers.

'Actually, he never gave me any answers'

I sigh, even with one person, my mind goes into overdrive.

Even now, I still can't keep up with Astoria and Freya's energy when it comes to socializing and that was also the reason, I found myself, hanging out with Himura.

Even if he had a high charisma, he didn't like to talk and preferred to listen to Astoria's dumbassery or Freya's wholesome stories while she was working as a priest.

Being with them made me realize how important it is about having a good social life but I never met people with personalities that clicked with me before meeting Himura.

He was silent like me but I feel like, we at least understood each other.

I would've hung out with Himura more if it wasn't for the wall he built. The guy is an absolute wall to talk to and he didn't relate much to our stories which made it hard to talk to him. And even for someone like me who had a low charisma, even I could see the wall between us.

Even with Astoria and Freya's efforts, the wall never broke much less, a scratch.

I stood up and cleared my mind.

'All of us had problems that we might never understand, I'm sure Himura does too'

Thinking about it more clearly, this party was created and stuck due to Himura's acceptance of us all even if he didn't know such a thing.

I yawned, I don't even know what time it is right now but all I knew was that I was tired. Clearing my head of everything that happened today, before entering my room, I passed by a tabaxi woman, and then she calls out to me.

"Oh hello, you must be the new people right?" The tabaxi girl asks.

"Hmm." I nod.

"I see, oh, by the way, has Lino returned yet?"

I opened the door and saw no one there, the tabaxi girl looks over and made her conclusion. As she was about to leave, she comes back.

"By the way, has Himura returned yet and if not, can you tell me where his room is?"

"I have no idea but his room and right there" I point at Shin and Himura's room.

"I see, well thank you" She smiles sweetly and leaves.

I thought nothing of her and concluded that she must have met him during her scouting.

I closed the door and went to my bed which was above the bunk bed.

Our room had two bunk beds and a table each, honestly, this room was unbearable but it was far better than talking to people.

I let my tiredness take me and after three minutes, I fell asleep.