The "B" Word

Ishmael's living room was nothing short of chaotic. There were clothes lying all over the floor, and the couch, each piece of clothing carrying a distinct and probably permanent stain. The seat Charles and James were offered was a red and dusty couch with several big holes in it. Ishmael threw the clothes on the couch onto the floor and gave it a few slaps with his hand, arousing a big dust cloud. He then walked off into the kitchen to place the kettle on the stove. Hesitant at first, the two policemen finally decided to sit on the couch and wait for Ishmael.

Two minutes later Ishmael walked back into the living room from the kitchen which was just behind Charles and James' couch. He sat in his black leather armchair. It actually looked brand-new.

Ishmael tapped his fingers on the armrests of his chair, grinning at the two officers. 'So, what do you pigs want to know about my old gal, hey?' he asked them laying his head back.

The inspector cleared his throat before reaching into his trousers pocket. He pullet out several pictures. 'I'm sure you're aware that there's recently been some gruesome murders committed in Malrich and WindleDrive,' he told him as he handed him the pictures. 'An eighteen year old high school student, a teacher and a psychiatrist.'

Ishmael whistled in amazement as he looked at the pictures one by one.

The inspector continued, 'We think Janice, your ex-wife, might somehow be involved. Whether as the perpetrator or as the accomplice we don't know, but we do know she had a hand in it somehow.'

Ishmael shook his head slowly still studying the pictures. 'A hand in it? Looks more like a bazooka.' Finally, he handed the photos back to the inspector.

'Do you think she was ever capable of doing something like this?' the inspector asked him.

Ishmael laid his head back in his seat again. He sighed. 'Listen, pig. I'm not into snitching and all that but…all I know is that my Jenny had a temper and oooh, did she have a helluva temper!' He grinned reminiscently, nodding his head. 'She once threatened to cut off my penis in my sleep and feed it to my anus if I ever came home late, or if I ever called her the "B" word again. Fifteen years later, I can cuss with every word in the cuss dictionary except the "B" word and I've never arrived home at any time later than 6 P.M. That was only one of her many and very disturbing threats but it's still affecting me now!'

'Is that why you divorced her?' asked James.

'A question that stupid tells me you must be the piggy that built his house out of straw. Of course that's the reason why!'

James chewed his lip in anger.

Ishmael went on, 'Any other guy would have divorced her entirely over the fact that she couldn't have kids, but I never cared about that. In fact, when I found out she couldn't have kids I celebrated. It only meant a marriage solely based on sex for the rest of our lives. But it was never about the kids, no. I was more concerned about my life than having kids or having sex! So I divorced her. Haven't been married ever since. I'm afraid my next "B" word will be worse than my last.'

The two officers stared at each other.

Charles gave a brief nod at James.

Ishmael laid his head in his chair again. 'Now, are we done here or do you two pigs want a bribe?'

The inspector smiled and got up and James followed his lead. 'No, we're done here, Mr. Wallace,' said Charles. 'Thank you for your time.'

'Anytime, pigs!' he shouted after them as they made their way to the door. 'I'd tell you to wait a little longer for your tea but I never really put anything on the stove. I don't feed pigs. If you feed a pig, it will always come back for more!'

'Man, I hate that guy!' James spoke from behind the inspector.

'Join the club, James…join the club.'