Six

Perhaps, just perhaps, could you love me the way I yearn to be loved? Can't you show me the affection my heart desperately craves? Don't you have any mercy? Can't you see how I'm dying a little more each day? Why are you humans so cruel? Despite being human, you seem to lack humanity.

That night, I found God—the God I had forgotten for years. The 17-year-old Meherjan realized something she had never understood before: that life ahead was waiting for her to choose and make decisions.

I didn't get what I was greedily chasing, which left me feeling helpless, crippled, and powerless. But in that moment, I found God.

I asked, tears filling my eyes. In a state of extreme helplessness, I opened my lips to say something, but it felt like if I spoke, I would exhaust myself. Then, gathering what little strength I had left, I finally said, "Allah..." I called out to God by His greatest name, the way a newborn cries for its mother's embrace. "Allah, You know the pain in my heart and the breakdown I'm going through." And then I let out a long sigh, pausing for a moment, gazing at the prayer mat before lifting my eyes to the sky, wondering if there is something up there that feels like my own. "Ya Allah," I began to speak again, "You are closer to Your servant than their jugular vein. Don't You see how much I am suffering, suffocating? This pain is shaking me to my core. I feel like I'm dying a death without end. Please, Ya Allah." Suddenly, I broke down and cried, cried with every ounce of my being.

I felt like my heart would burst, tearing through the bones of my chest. I feared my liver would split apart if someone didn't stop me from crying out soon. Then I told Him, "I don't know when or how it happened, but I feel like I loved him. I don't want to be with anyone else. I want to be with him, no matter what."

That night, for the first time in my life, I made a demand with such determination that I wanted it no matter what. Since childhood, I had always accepted whatever came my way without complaint, listening quietly like a good child. I had never made a request for something that seemed impossible to attain. But that night, I was insistent. I knew, somewhere deep down, that my God was listening to me attentively and would not let me be disgraced. I kept asking for it that night, relying on that certainty. I had asked my God with earnestness, not just making a request but insisting with a deep sense of conviction. "Meherjan had asked for Muazam from her God, not just requested, but insisted with great earnestness."

Salam Umais Bhai: brother ,

I don't know what's going on in your mind or in the minds of the rest of the family about this situation between you and me, but I think it's not going to work out. First of all, you were the main person involved with Aunt Reha and Sister Maha in trying to force this match between Muazam and me. Before Muazam rejected the idea of marriage between us, you all put in every ounce of effort to bring the two of us together. You would casually mention his name in front of me, as if reciting a mantra on prayer beads. And now,

you want me to think about you as a potential partner?

Isn't that unfair to me? Don't you think?

How can you make such a decision on your own, without considering anything, as if you've blindfolded your eyes and ears?

You all put me in such a helpless position where I couldn't even think about anyone else but him, and now you want me to become his sister-in-law? How is that possible?

The person I started to like, suddenly his relationship with me changes, and I'm expected to accept it?

Don't you think I'm the innocent one who was dragged into all this drama without anyone considering my feelings?

Did you ever stop to think about what I want, whether I like Muazam or not?

You all forced me to fall for him, and now that you've seen Muazam's temper and come to your senses, you've stepped back, leaving me in this unwanted situation. I'm just a character in the drama you all scripted, and you've played with my heart.

And when you planned to go to Korea, I saw it in your eyes when you came to say goodbye. I saw that look of apology, like you were helpless and couldn't do anything about it. But that doesn't change what you all put me through And now, you actually think I would consider you as my husband, even though I know I love your younger brother? What do you expect—that I'll accept a lifetime of punishment as your wife, just because you're his older brother, without having done anything wrong?

Even if you were the last person left for me in this world, I would rather choose to stay single until the end than ever become yours.

I wrote a message to Umais without letting anyone know because if they found out, they would turn it into a bigger issue. I told him, "You are the one responsible for this, and if you don't want me to consider you an enemy for the rest of my life, do me one favor: clean up the mess you've made. Convince the family to back off from the idea of us getting married. And without involving me, speak to them clearly, as if it's your own decision."

After writing those words, a rush of emotions hit me from head to toe—anger, disappointment, sadness, and pain. I was sweating, my hands trembling, and my heart pounding as I hovered over the send button. I hesitated, knowing that once I pressed it, there was no going back. I started to think about what would happen after Umais received the message.

How would he react? What would his actions be? It was his birthday, and here I was, messaging him something so heavy on his special day.

I felt bad, conflicted, but I knew that if I didn't act now, things could spiral out of control beyond my imagination.

Taking a deep, reassuring breath, I pressed send. My eyes were glued to the screen for almost five minutes, my hand covering my mouth, rubbing off the sweat as I re-read the message I had just sent.

The phone started ringing, and I could see the notification—he had replied. My heart raced, and I felt powerless, unable to open the message. How could he reply so fast? He's in a different country, and I had just sent the message. Then it hit me—it's his birthday today. Of course, he's free, probably replying to all the birthday wishes. And now, he was replying to mine. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves, and opened the message.

What I saw made my mind explode with confusion and anger. I raised my eyebrow, unable to comprehend how he could respond in such a positive way. After everything I had said, how could he be so calm, so composed? It didn't make sense. I reread the message, trying to process his response.

"You're right," the message began. "You are my little cousin sister, and I never wanted this for you, and I'm sorry that you were caught in the middle of something so painful. I know my words won't make things right, but please believe me when I say I tried. I wanted you to be happy, with Muazam. I tried to convince him, but… well, you know how stubborn he can be. Now, I just want to make sure you're okay, that we can somehow move past this. I don't expect forgiveness, but I don't want to be the villain in your story either. I'm trying to fix this." But please, don't curse me. I'm afraid of God too."

A tiny drop of tear fell from my left eye, and time seemed to pause for a moment. I was angry, disappointed, and yet... there was a part of me that felt his sincerity, his fear of God, his regret. But the pain I had gone through wasn't something that could be washed away with an apology, even if he promised to fix it. How could I not feel betrayed when my emotions were manipulated so deeply?

I stared at the message, feeling conflicted. Could I really forgive him? Or would the weight of everything continue to haunt me?