Home again I

I don't have air in my lungs, I see the doctor's mouth moving but for a moment it's like there's no sound.

"Tell me how can I help you."

He takes a glance at the desktop computer and keeps talking casually before I can have an answer.

"Let me see... You're now starting the 17th week."

He keeps talking but I'm too deep in my mind now.

(17th week... Amanda is four months pregnant!)

Automatically the bigger question hits me.

(Is there any possibility Jackson is the father? He can't know she's pregnant. I don't know when was the last time they had sex, also I'm not Amanda and I'm t. There's no way I could fake that to a doctor)

"I'm sorry... I need to..."

I just storm out of the room. I'm hyperventilating, my head is spinning. Jackson stands quicksand he sees me coming out of the room too fast.

"Amanda, are you ok? What happened?"

He's holding me by my shoulders, I'm sure this is the only thing stopping me from falling. I look into his wide eyes, he's terrified.

"Amanda, please say something. What's wrong? What the doctor said?"

I can't tell him, I'm speechless. Then the assistant comes out of the doctor's office. This can get even worse.

"Mrs. Redgrave! Are you feeling ok? The bed is ready for your ultrasound scan."

( Oh shit... someone please kill me now)

"Why do you need an...?"

Jackson stops before he finishes the question, he probably already has the answer.

"Are you?... Are you pregnant?"

He's shocked, I bet no more than me. I glance at the assistant terrified.

"Oh! I'm sorry... I didn't realize it was a surprise. I'm so sorry Mrs. Redgrave."

Everything around me is spinning, I feel my blood draining from my face. I think I won't have to pretend anyway, my knees are getting weak and Jackson takes me in his arms.

I see the people rushing around, they're taking me inside the room again. I can't, I have to get away from here.

"Please, I can't. I'm feeling better, I just want to go home."

"Of course not! You need to be examined."

"No! I want to leave now!"

I didn't realize I was screaming. Jackson looks at me for a moment.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, please just take me home."

"Ok..."

He holds me till we get to the car, he helps me inside. I'm just focused on keeping breathing now.

When we get home Jackson takes me to the bedroom, not Amanda's but his bedroom.

I sit down on the bed, he is standing in front of me. I'm unable to look up to him.

"So... was this what were you worried about?"

I take a deep breath and look up to meet his eyes but I'm still not able to answer.

(This is the time I'll have to explain his wife had an affair? I knew it was a terrible idea to come back.)

"Were you planning to tell we're expecting a second child?"

("Where?" Is he not doubting Amanda could be pregnant with his baby?)

"It just... it was so unexpected. I didn't know how to..."

(So far I'm not exactly lying, I'm freaking out)

"I know, I'm surprised too. Has been a long time since..."

Jackson paused for a moment may be trying to remember something.

"Three months, I think..."

"Three? I'm not sure..."

(Think a little more buddy, try four...)

For a tiny moment, I feel a hint of hope, there's a chance he's the father. At this moment I'm not even bothering with the idea of Jax having sex with someone else.

"Yes, I'm sure. The day you came back from Spain."

"Oh!"

(Amanda came back from her Ibiza vacation three months ago, I remember I saw some pictures. Then if they had sex three months ago and she's four months pregnant, Jackson can't be the father. She was not here for a month before that and Jackson didn't travel with her. Oh God... this is fücked up)

"What the doctor said?"

"We didn't have time to take tests."

"What happened?"

"I don't know, I had some anxiety attack. I freaked out."

Jackson kneels in front of me holding both of my hands on my lap.

"I know this was not planned, but we'll work it out."

I'm so overwhelmed, I can't hold the tears. I cover my face with my hands and for the first time since I came here, I cry in front of him. I'm crying for myself, for Jackson, for keeping all these secrets from him. But now it's too late, I can't tell him the truth.

I can't tell him about his wife, about the baby she's expecting, about her leaving him, the affair she's probably having, who I am, and how I feel about him. He would never forgive me, what I'm doing is far beyond forgiveness.

I feel Jackson's arms around me, his touch makes me cry even more. Being here with him but pretending to be someone else hurts. Breaks my heart, I feel I'm the lowest person on earth.

"It's ok baby..."

I can't stand his voice, his touch, his caring for me. Jackson's arms around me burn, his kind words hurt, his kisses on my hair makes me sick in my stomach. At the same time, he is the first person that comes to my mind to protect me. He's my medicine and my poison. The tears are starting to fade, I feel so tired.

"When are you planning to see the doctor again?"

"I don't know, I don't want to go back."

"That's not possible, baby. You need to."

His voice is calm and careful. Jackson talks to me like he's arguing with an upset kid.

"Ok, but I want to see another one. I don't know if I can get back to that place."

"Ok, we'll find another doctor. Now rest a little, I'll see Jax. I'll be back soon."

"Ok... Thank you."

"You don't have to, this is my responsibility too."

(I need to take some time away from this, I'm getting crazy.)

I lay on his bed and cry myself to sleep.

(How could this go so wrong, so fast? I couldn't leave, the authorities are investigating Jackson, Amanda is pregnant with some other man's baby and now Jackson thinks I'm pregnant.)

Later that night I wake up with Jackson wrapped around me. I try to move but he's too heavy.

"Jax..."

"Hmm..."

"Jax, wake up."

"What happened? Are you ok?"

"Yes, it's just... your body is too warm."

"Oh! Sorry."

Jackson roll off to the side giving me more space, I lay on my side and he cups my body on his.

He's very protective of me since we got back from the doctor. Soon he's slipping again spöoning me, caressing my tummy.

In the morning when I wake up, Jax is still sleeping next to me. He's not just sleeping in the same bed but also not running away from work very early, to avoid me.

"Morning..."

I wake with his calming voice.

"Hey."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm ok."

"Good."

Jackson rolls over me, taking his moment breathing against my neck, then brushing my collarbone with his nose. He's still sleepy and lazy, moving slowly on top of me but he's very awake down on his body. I can feel his hardness digging into my thighs.

I'm still too sleepy to think straight, I'm caressing his back, grinding my thighs against him.

I feel dangerously comfortable in his arms. When his hands reach my hips to take off my panties I finally snap out of my dream.

"Jax..."

"Yeh?"

He's hanging over me standing on his elbows.

"Are you still not feeling ready?"

"I think I should wait to see the doctor."

"Ok, you're right. I'm sorry..."

"No. No need to be sorry, I was nearly forgetting too."

Jackson smiles and kisses me slowly again. At some point we manage to leave the bed, I fix the breakfast for baby Jax. I was out all day yesterday, I missed him.

I don't want to think I could be far away from him if I didn't meet Lucas yesterday, the feeling makes me shiver.

I don't need to think about this, for now, I have more urgent problems.

I'm seeing another doctor soon, and there's no way Jackson will let me do it without him. The fundraising event is close since I stayed here I have to finish the planning and now I have Lucas to report to.

I take my phone to call the only person who could make me a bit better now.

*Hey, papa...*

*Candie, baby! It's so good to hear your voice. How are you, dear?*

(I can't hide anything from him, he always knows when something is wrong just listening to my voice.)

*I miss you...*

*, Of course, I miss you too Candie baby, but it seems something else is bothering you.*

*You always know, right?*

*That's my job, dear.*

*I'm tired and I miss home.*

*How's the baby boy?*

*He's great, he's starting to walk by himself. You can't imagine how lovely he is.*

*I can imagine...*

*Papa...*

*Yes, baby*

*You know how much I love you, right?*

*Don't be silly, angel. Of course, I know.*

*I need some time to unwind, can I visit you?*

*I'd love that! Of course, you can. When are you coming?*

*I think I can make it tomorrow.*

*That's perfect, Bonnie will love to hear this.*

*I miss her too.*

*I can't wait to see you, this place is not the same without you.*

*See you tomorrow, then. Take care, papa.*

*You too, angel*

When I hang up I'm not feeling so bad anymore. My phone starts to ring again, it's weird to take phone calls on my phone, not Amanda's.

*Hello*

I was not expecting to hear from Detective West so soon.

*Candice, it's good to talk with you again.*

(It's so good to hear my name...)

*How can I help you, Lucas?*

*When could you meet me?*

*I'm not sure, a lot is going on now.*

*Anything wrong?*

*Everything... everything is wrong, Lucas*

*I'm sorry, Candice. Of course, this situation is overwhelming.*

*It's ok, maybe we can meet later in the morning. The faster we finish this, the faster I can have my life back.*

*Cool, sounds perfect to me. Where?*

*There's a place I want to show you. I'll send the address. Meet me there in two hours.*

*Great, I'll be there. See you later, Candice.*

(At least I'll keep my mind busy for a while.)

When I arrive at Amanda's secret apartment I find Lucas already waiting outside the building.

"Hey."

"Nice to see you again. Thank you for meeting me today."

He greets me with a genuine smile.

"No problem. Let's get inside."

"So what's the thing with this place?"

"Just follow me, we can talk inside."

When we both approach the front desk the concierge size Lucas up and down, he's very subtle but not enough for me. He greets me like the last time, again he calls me Alice.

Lucas glance at me, but he understands my signal and doesn't say anything until we enter the elevator.

"Alice? How many characters do you have?"

The door slides open and I guide Lucas to the Apartment. I use the key I found hidden in the closet to open the door. Everything looks untouchable since the last time I came here.

"Why you called me here?"

"I found the key and address to this place hidden in a box inside Amanda's closet. When I came here I was surprised as you when the concierge greeted me as he knew me for a long time, calling me Alice."

"Then I suppose Alice is Amanda."

"I think so, Alice is our mother's name."

"Makes sense."

"But I couldn't find anything here."

"I'll look around but I can't officially collect any proof today."

Lucas walks around the apartment searching for clues, I wait for him sitting on the bed.

He takes notes and pictures, after a while I think he's satisfied.

"I found some interesting things but I'll have to come back to collect. We should get going now."

"Any hint as to where is Amanda, now?"

"Not really, but it was good anyway. Thank you, Candice, I'm glad you took me here."

"I just want this to end."

"Me too, I'm sorry you have to keep doing this. I can't imagine how it's like to leave in the same house with someone who despises you."

I give him a weak smile.

"Someday I'd like to show how I'm grateful for taking you for a dinner."

Lucas winks while holding the door open to me. We leave the building together, soon I'm in home again getting ready to visit Papa.

I use my spare key to open his door, there's a great smell coming from Papa Danny's kitchen. I could recognize Bonnie's lasagna smell anywhere.

"I hope you saved some lasagna because we're starving!"

"OMG Danny! Look who is here!"