Chapter 47: Underground City: Retracing Our Steps (2)

The slow melody of the zither playing in the background, and the joyous laughs of beautiful youngsters filled the sophisticated dining space. Jian Li sat silently beside Lev in peace, observing the young nobles and sometimes exchanging short conversations with with the children. Second by second getting drained.

Jian Li, he.. could not decide which type of face he would show.... Should he smile for them?.... Should he laugh? .... Or should he leave? Should he frown? ... Should he ignore them? Should he thank them? ... Should he be upset at their loudness, their almost non-ending happiness?..

He does not know what to feel..

He does not know how to feel.

He felt strange how he was enabled to feel the warmth again.

Lev was beside him, observing silently, attempting to gauge his emotions and understand his thoughts. He felt a mixture of anxiety and a strong desire to support his friend, yet his immaturity, and uncertainty hindered his actions. The fear of unintentionally causing Jian Li more pain held him back. He made a conscious effort to avoid discussing the event, a fact that the other kids were also aware of.

He found himself trapped and hindered, sensing his interactions with the King as a constant struggle, like treading carefully on fragile ground. Nevertheless, if taking it painfully slow is the only way to help his friend, then he will continue walking that path.

'I never want to see him break again.'

Leviticus cleared his throat, catching the other's attention. "Is there something wrong?" Jian Li asked.

Lev leaned closer, a broad grin on his face, and asked, "How is my wonderful cooking? Does it suit your taste, My Majesty?"

Amidst the noise of the children's chatter, Jian Li's thoughts raced, slightly overwhelmed. A moment later, he regained his focus on the conversation. "Your cooking?" He glanced at the food on his plate and then turned his gaze to Lev. "You prepared all of this?" His voice somewhat sounding a little bit more higher.

Lev just leaned back proudly. "Yes. How is it, My Majesty?" Jian Li unconsciously tried to taste it again from the inside of his mouth. "It's good, I suppose. But, what intrigues me is on how you're the one cooking for them? Shouldn't the manor have a chef?" Jian Li then noticed how there are no servants in this base.

There was a short pause. "There was once a time that they served me something that I shouldn't eat. I then developed distrust to the dishes being served to me. I refused to eat dishes that is not made by me. That's it." He shrugs his shoulders, "and to be honest, cooking and making meals doesn't feel so bad. It's relaxing. You should try it sometimes."

Jian Li just nodded. As far as he could remember, the only dish that he prepared was a porridge. The thought made him sweat a bit. 'The ingredients of that porridge looked burned and tasted like rotten garlic. Almost like poison.

'Aren's face looked pitiful when I saw him almost gagging... He tried so hard to eat that foul porridge I made just to cheer me up..'

When Lev saw Jian Li's expressions quickly change and his finger twitch on his lap, the red-eyed boy gazed on his untouched plate. 'There. I've stepped on a mine.'

He stood up. "My Majesty." His chair withdraws, the children still minding their own business. "It's a little loud isn't it? Shall we go get some after-meal tea?"

The king snaps out of his thoughts. He just silently gets up the chair, leaving Dian, Dub, Duther and Miriam to guard over the kids.

The two men went on a quiet stroll, their footsteps echoing softly across the expanse of wooden corridors. The subtle creaks beneath their feet blended with the tranquility of their unhurried breaths, intertwining to form a sound of serenity. The permeating aroma of sandalwood enveloped them. As they walked, the delicate, warm glow of the Underground City's orange lights gently passed through the windows, casting a subtle and enchanting play of light and shadow along their path.

The blue-eyed boy felt a little more calmed.

"This is my quarters, welcome." Lev remarked with a subtle glance towards his companion. His voice carried a tone of leisure as he gestured to the room.

Lev's attention shifted momentarily as Jian Li spoke, "The balcony has a splendid view." With a purposeful stride, he made his way to Jian Li and opened the balcony door to showcase the sight beyond.

'Deja vu.' Jian Li thought.

Lev: "Share me your thoughts?"

His blue eyes roamed the distant city, "It has changed.. at least compared from when we visited here, it definitely has changed drastically."

"It really is different when we we're kids."

"It is not as bright as I thought it would be."

Lev leaned at the railings of his balcony. "That brightness has long ended. The more you see what's out here, the more you'll know how everything had changed."

'Starting now, please keep those eyes open, and watch as how everything change again.' Said Lev in his thoughts.

Jian Li was still in a daze at the view of the city. "Lev.. your fire, I was not hallucinating back then, no?"

The other headed back inside, Jian Li treading to him slowly. He allows the king to sit down first, then opened his palm in front him slowly. "It's true."

Jian Li observed with a blend of curiosity and calmness as a tiny flame appeared at the core of Lev's palm. Gradually, the fire crawled upwards along his arm, as if obediently following Lev's instructions, captivating Jian Li's attention in the process.

After a while of watching the fire dance and sway silently on his skin, Jian Li asks him, "Is there a drawback when you use this power?" He looked at Lev who doesn't seem to feel even a little uncomfortable with a fire eating his arm.

"There isn't...." He replied, seeing Jian Li stand up and look closer on his arm. "As far as I know, there isn't. I dont know my limits yet as I havent used it to its full potential."

There are hundreds of questions Jian Li would like to ask, yet he couldn't bring himself to say it. "You are aware of the risks, right?" Jian Li looked around them, gesturing.

The two of them gazed on the walls, the ceiling, the flooring and the doors. All of it was wooden. "You yourself is a threat to your own home." Jian Li looked back at the bluish-green flame on his arm.

"Aren't you afraid of your fire going berserk?"

".....I am without doubt. For me to falter and be weak would mean of this manor's end. I would lose everything that I built for years, the things I treasured for years. But isn't that just more of a reason that I must always be fully capable of understanding and harnessing this power of mine? To not hurt my family, to not hurt my brothers and sisters. To protect, and provide them a warm home."

"Its true. I am the fire, and if I crumble down and wreck havoc, the Svarozich manor will burn down to bits. Everyday, I risk the possibility of eradicating everything that I have. Those kids are aware of this, and they are prepared for anything if it comes to the worst. Even if something goes wrong, those kids are strong and intelligent. Those little embers I left will surely start another fire. They can live and thrive on their own."

"Those little souls, I'd give everything in order to ensure their safety." He closed his palm, hiding back the fire. "And with you here, the water god, I will feel more at ease."

Just a little, Jian Li's heart tinged.

Jian Li croaked out, "Those kids, they treat me with such respect.. While I barely recognize myself as their king." He added, "It's not as though I can do anything for them now.. I do not have the throne nor I am in control of this ability."

His eyes sought the other's. "Say, Leviticus, why do they keep calling me as their king?.. I'm not him, I'm not worthy enough to be someone as that. I'm just.. a little boy."

Jian Li brows furrowed when he saw Lev shook his head, not agreeing to what he said.

'Why do you tolerate me?' Jian Li's inner thoughts were steeped in feelings of vulnerability and self-pity as he stood before his sole companion. A profound sense of shame consumed him, casting a heavy shadow over his emotions.

'I dont know what I'm doing.

I dont know what I'm supposed to do.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.

I dont know.'

'How can I live?'

'What is my will to live?'

'For what do I offer my life to?'

'Tell me, what should I do now, Lev?'

Lev saw this pained expressions again. His squinting and darkened eyes seemed like his testament to the relentless thoughts that gnawed in his mind. His lips pressed together, jaws clenched conveying a silent struggle to hold his emotions just like how we was trained to do as the crown prince.

Lev overlooked at the city, his hands in a tight fist. "This world will always be loud for us." His red eyes glowed like fire, illuminating light deep inside Jian Li's eyes. "It may whisper many thoughts to you. It may tell you things you want to hear, words that may confuse or destroy you. Our minds does not rest, it will never leave you in peace." His eyes subtle.

"To be filled with agony."

"To be enshrouded inside the growing rage."

"To be lost inside your mind."

"It's okay to cry,"

"It's okay to scream."

He paused and looked at Jian Li again who seemed to only pay attention at the floor. "But at the end of that, please remember to stand and take your place beside me." His voice was patient and soft.

His eyes held a steady and unwavering gaze, "I promise you, together, we'll live again." His words sounded clear and gentle, each word carefully chosen and delivered in sincerity.

He continued in a slow cadence, "For now let the people around you be the reason of your peace of mind. I am not asking you to live for me. I want you to live for whoever you are right now. Do not think about the past nor the future, think solely about surviving today as your people needs you. That's all what matters. When the time comes when you're ready to search for the core of your heart, call for me and we'll see through it to the end. Together." His expressions were warm and relaxed, his brows slightly arched as he spoke his words.

Jian Li gulped, the wall of his heart trembling. He stepped up, advancing in front of Lev, wearing a slightly confused and upset expression. "I have no power! I have no palace...! I do not have servants, nor do i govern no one or have a single drop of blood of the Jian family. So, how could those kids still call me king?" His voice was almost breaking, the two of them in a constant push and pull, trying so hard to not hurt each other.

Lev chose to stay silent, watching him peacefully. This behaviour of his made Jian Li fall silent. It was a whole new level of indication that displayed kindness to him, that instead of looking at him ridiculously, Lev showed him a subtle smile on his lips, cheering him up. His brows was flattened, while his red eyes stares warmly at him.

Leviticus' very existence in that moment provided Jian Li reassurance. Just like a silent comfort.

"It does not matter if you have the throne with you or not. It does not matter if you do not hold armies. It does not matter if you are powerless right now." His voice remained calm and steady, giving life to the authenticity of his sentiments.

"The only thing that matters is only you. You are Jian Li. Your exceptional kindness towards everyone sets you apart from any king. You show care that goes beyond expectations. Your love for your family is deep, and you treat everyone with respect. Your independence and strong determination proves you rightful for the throne." The tone of faith in his voice left no room for doubt, proving how he was speaking wholeheartedly.

"My Majesty... being you, that is enough." His voice was so soft that he was almost whispering to Jian Li.

"..."

Jian Li broke the chain that was locking his eyes to Lev's, looking at the window instead. "But that person you're saying is gone. I'm no longer that person you know.... I've changed. Im no longer that image in your head. I'm no noble, I'm a murderer. I'm not that old friend of yours anymore.. can't you see?.."

"I've killed my father." Jian Li's voice sounded so small.

His lips quivered, holding off a pitiful cry that he wants to hide. "I've betrayed my brother.. I've hurt him for so long...! I.... I have failed my people..!" His head hung low, his words wavering.

He gasped for air, his eyes shot up to Lev's: "Do you know how-.. I felt the moment I was imprisoned?.." He sharply inhaled, "Utter shame. Pure guilt. Anger. Despair.. regret.. grief." He desperately fought with the surge of emotions stirring in his throat.

"How empty I felt when I learned of his passing in that dungeon. How speechless I was when I heard of my dear servant's passing.." He wrestled with his lungs to not spill any cries. "How confused I was when I saw my people angry and lashing out on me, who loved them so much! I was a scared, helpless, little boy...!" Each sentence was a delicate balance on the brink of tearful release.

His lips trembled, whispering under his breath. "Oh, how I've lost everything."

"But I couldn't bring myself to be angry." He bit the inside of his mouth, pressing his lips together to keep everything quiet. Both his palms covered his shameful face.

"When it's all my fault.." Despite his best efforts, a crack in his words betrayed the depth of his vulnerability, he fell to his knees.

His hurried voice was muffled on his palm, "I never intended to feel anger or seek revenge for their mockery and their deception. My only wish in that moment was to be dead."

Leviticus knelt down in front of him, silently listening to his words.

Jian Li reconnected his bloodshot eyes with Lev, his tears slightly building up. "For once! I wanted to die. No, not once. I prayed for it a thousand times. I desperately chanted to die! Inside the prison, inside the coffin, in the middle of punishment, under the water, in that fire. I prayed solemnly to let death claim me." His voice was shaky with a mix of pain and determination in efforts to convey his thoughts despite the overwhelming grief.

"I was confused. My mind was in chaos." His voice full of distress quivers in every syllable.

"I wished to be erased, as if I never happened in the first place. To rid of my pointless existence in this kingdom!.. All I have done was ruin everything."

Between shaky breaths, he managed to eke out fragmented sentences, "Within that fire, a part of me yearned for death more than ever." A drop of tear slid down his cheek. "Yet strangely, I found a reluctance within, a desire to endure. My human frailty compelled me to persist, hoping for someone to rescue me."

"And then you came."

There was a pause on their surroundings, only Jian Li's ragged breaths and the soft creak of the floorboards under them was heard.

The place was then filled with his quiet sobs. "Why did you save me?" Jian Li struggled to look at Lev, only looking at his chin, choking at his breath.

The other replied at the same volume of his voice. "I never go against my words, I said to you that I'll find a way to meet you again." The written letter came into Jian Li's mind. The letter that he patiently translated over time, containing a promise that they'll meet someday again in the future.

His heart revealed a crack the walls surrounding it crumbles. The weight of his sorrow was visibly seen in his expression, trying hard to get the words out of his throat. "But.. why did you came so late?" The tears carelessly broke out of his eyes, dropping on the floor. For the first time, he showed honesty in his emotions, a raw feeling he had never expressed before. It felt as though he had laid his heart bare in front of Leviticus, waiting for it to be judged.

"I'm sorry.. it's still too early for you to know.." Jian Li gripped his knees tightly at Leviticus' answer.

'It was a decision that I know you would be angry for if I chose you.' Lev softly sighed.

With only a single look in Leviticus' eyes, he knew it meant good not to tell him his reasons right now. He felt disappointed and frustrated, yet deep inside, he was grateful.

Lev spoke to him, "If you wish for power, I will offer everything to you, My Majesty. Everything I own will be your piece, and you are free to use me as you want, be it be your sacrificial pawn." He saw Jian Li's expressions slightly changed into a confused one, as though looking at him baffled.

'But I know you won't do that.' Relieved at Jian Li's reply, Lev immediately understood just how righteous his heart stands.

He spoke again, his body open and relaxed as he spoke intently. "I will be clear, My Majesty. These, all of these are all the power I harvested because of you. You paved a path I was not supposed to take." He took a sharp breath, "You provided me a crossroad from dirt... You were the path I chose to take. Everything that I have is because of your influence, I have been preparing my life so I can be useful to you someday."

Jian Li sat there helplessly, his eyes dripping in tears while his mouth was agape. "Just say the word." Leviticus' spoke in an appeasing tone, lifting some of the torment the other was carrying. "I'll be your power."

In the wholeness of his soul, Leviticus desperately wanted to help him, as the sight of him in the verge of despair was heartbreaking. At least, if he could use his power, to be able to help him find assurance, he'll be willing to stand with him with an unfeigned purpose. "You are worth it." He enunciated every word with a tiny consoling smile.

Jian Li choked on his breath, unable to utter anything. Leviticus sat more comfortably, the night feeling a little more warm. He was relieved to see the other breathing more naturally. "All I ask in return is your honesty in your thoughts. That is all."

Lev breathed in, focusing on the words he wanted to say, "Tell me if you're uncertain about something, say it when you don't like something, turn to me when you're anxious, and don't be afraid to ask me for help." The way he spoke with the other was like how he converse with the kids, light and warm.

"I am here with you all the way."

"That will never change."

Jian Li's cup overflowed, emotions finally climbing out and pouring into him, he could only look down, but this response was already enough for Lev to understand.

Gradually, Jian Li's sniffles grew more louder, tears streamed down his face and dampened the floor. A word was not said, and only the sound of his sorrowful sobs resounded the room.

Lev scooted over in front of the king, his warm presence surrounding Jian Li.

He keels over in exhaustion of everything, his hand clutching on his chest as he bawled his heart out loudly. In front of him, Lev leaned over, summoning a blue fire on his palm. With his arms around Jian Li, he gently rubbed the soothing fire to his back, allowing Jian Li's frail form to absorb its calming heat.

'I hear you, Li.'