Sorrow

I hurried inside my room when we reached my chamber. When I closed the door and was alone in my room, I stared at the thing given to me by the Crown Prince. I heave a deep sigh, I can't help walking back and forth inside my room.

I go to where I store my things in the corner of my room, I take out a medium size box. I put it inside the box, where the most important things that I brought from outside the palace are stored. What's inside the box was secretly brought inside the palace. Things related to the modern world outside the palace are not allowed inside. But I can't simply leave the things that remind me of my life before I came back.

I accidentally touched a cold thing inside the box, I took it out and checked. A necklace with a heart shape pendant, it's just a half heart since the other part that will make it whole, I left it to the guy I love. The guy that owns my heart.

The fear and worry that I am feeling have faded but are replaced by sorrow. My heart is suddenly enveloped by sadness and pain and before I realize my face is already wet with tears while looking at the necklace. I placed it in my chest, hugging it close in the hope to relieve the loneliness I felt. The longing for his embrace, his kisses, for taking care of me, and for telling me and making me feel how much he loves me. Especially his presence, throughout those stolen times he was always with me.

I wiped the tears using the back of my hand and composed myself. I wore the necklace on my neck and hid it with my clothes. I know that this is prohibited but I needed it as of the moment, as it is the only thing that gives me the strength to go on. In case, I can feel his presence that he is with me and encourages me to do my duty, to protect what I can.

After putting back the things inside the box I close the lid, carry it. I stood in front of the screen behind where I slept for quite a while before pulling it off. A secret door behind the screen was exposed. I pull back the screen to its place so that no one will see me entering the secret door. Even if someone comes inside my room, no one will notice it. Except for Shuji and Yoshie, no one knows about this secret room, not even my siblings. Since the two are the ones that helped me when I put my important things in the room.

My eyes roamed around the secret room before I entered. I slowly closed the door when I was already inside. I placed the box on the sideboard at the far corner of the room. I stopped in the middle of the afterward and looked at the single thing inside. Warmth caressed my heart when I saw all the things full of happy memories. The memories that I cherished the most. Memories that will be kept in my heart so long that I live. Memories that will give me strength when I am down and when I am on the verge of giving up.

I came near every piece inside the room, touched it, and reminisced. Until I came across the shirt, it was his. My hand delicately touched it, when I was not satisfied, I held it close. With that, it feels like I am in his arms, inside his warm embrace. For a few minutes, I stayed like that. After a while, I carefully placed the shirt back where it was hung and gave my attention to the other things that he owns.

Surely, people who will see what I am doing will think that I am crazy. But can they blame me for longing for the guy that I love the most? Before, when I became weary and anxious, he was always there to calm me. Even when I get angry, he can pacify me with just his touch. He is the only one that can hurt me the most but he is also the only one that can dissipate the pain. For whatever reasons that I am hurting. He was the most beautiful and the happiest thing in my life, in the short freedom that I experienced.

After checking all the things related to him, I proceed to the other far corner of the room opposite the sideboard where I placed the box when I came in. I came closer to the thing that was carefully positioned in there. I sat in the chair in front of it and gently opened the canvass. On the next page, you can see the smiling portrait of a guy. After months since I came back here, I have already drawn him quite a lot but my favorite is the last one. I lovingly caress his smiling face. The smile that was meant for me. I remember that one of our friends sneakily took a picture of him while he was looking at me lovingly. I was not looking at him at that time, and when I turned around to him, it was what I saw.

A sad smile came off my lips at the same time the tears fell once again. How many times did I cry today? "Until when I can handle this situation? Until when I long to be with you? It's hard not to be with you but why can't I turn back with my responsibility?" I said to the portrait in front of me.

I can no longer suppress my emotions that dominate and I let them flow. The silent cry becomes loud sobs. I wish to vanish in an instant from this world so that I can no longer feel anything. I want to run amok but I can't. I can't do it in a place where things carrying the memories of him are stored. The place where I can be myself, the place where I can dream. A dream that I know can be true if I wanted to but I don't dare to leave my responsibility behind.

I stayed in the secret room for a few hours until my overflowing emotions subsided but the sorrow and longing for him are still there. I slowly get up from where I sat and fixed myself before I came out of the room. I closed the room carefully and opened the screen to my sleeping room. I gasp when I notice the person patiently waiting for me in my room. From what I can see in her expression and from her eyes looking where I came out, she's been here for quite some time. She may even hear what I am doing inside the secret room.

With my head bent over, I walked towards her. "Mom," I murmured. She quickly reached out to me and pulled me into her arms, hugging me tightly. The moment her arms surrounded me, another overflowing of emotions came out, and I cried in her arms. I feel like I found an ally, someone that will give wholehearted support.

"Cry, just cry it all, baby," she softly whispered in my ear, gently tapping my back, "let everything go, the pain and everything. "I'm just here and I won't leave." Her soft voice and what she said brought relief to me. We stayed like that for the time being, I am in her arms while silently crying. I suddenly wish that my father is here too, and both of them will be there to comfort me.

**************************

I got it, I got it, the note you gave me when you left

Still got it, still got it lying exactly where you left it

My heart broke in two,

There was no super glue to mend it

Yeah, I was stuck on you

Didn't know how to end it

Yeah yeah yeah

You are my fifth, fourth, or third seconds not the word

You are my first, my first true love

Sad to say to this very day

You're still the one I'm thinking of

'Cause you're my first true love

It's over it's over

I still don't even know I'm worked over

And lately oh lately

I've had those questions on my mind

There was no such cure I endure your letter

The only thing that helps

Is my friends saying I can do better

Yeah yeah yeah

You are my fifth, fourth, or third seconds not the word

You are my first, my first true love

Sad to say to this very day

You're still the one I'm thinking of

'Cause you're my first true love

Fifth fourth or third seconds not the word

You are my first, my first true love

Sad to say from this very day

You're still the one I'm thinking of

'Cause you're my first true love

I need to surf

'Cause it's killing me

No one to hurt

Love is leavin' me

I'd rather sing than be cryin'

Over you

I need to surf

'Cause it's killing me

No one to hurt

Love is leavin' me

I'd rather sing than be cryin'

Over you

I never felt this blue

You are my fifth, fourth, or third seconds not the word

You are my first, my first true love

Sad to say to this very day

You're still the one I'm thinking of

'Cause you're my first true love

I sigh as I make the last strummed on my guitar. I'm here in the verandah of my condo, alone. Staring at the never-ending darkness of the night. The darkness mirrors the emptiness that I felt. It’s been months but I can still feel the pain, the heartache. I might be living with this all my life. I even came to the point that I regretted allowing her to leave, to let her go. To let her freely perform her duty at the expense of us. If only… if only … if only I did not allow her to go, if I only stopped her, she may be with me now and we’re both looking into the starry sky. Maybe we are in our sanctuary, lying down, I am hugging her while she’s sleeping in my chest.

I gently whisk the tear that flows on my cheek. Tears that I thought already dried out a week after she left but I was wrong. As the day passed, I longed for her more and more. I saw her everywhere I went. I miss her so damn much. I even ask myself if I can survive this loneliness. Without her, my world seems so empty. I'm here, yes, but I feel like I am not living at all but simply exist. I never did anything other than stay in the places we used to go and after class, I went straight to our sanctuary and thought of her.

I reached out the letter that she left and read it again. How many times have I read this letter again? I can no longer count. Same as the first time that I read it, I ended up crying again. Sometimes I even wonder if I still knew myself. This is so unlike me, crying in the middle of the night just by thinking of her. The girl that I love so much. The girl I promised to protect, care and love. The only girl that I will love for the rest of my life. Because whatever I do, I know for myself that I will no longer love another but her.

I look up at the stars in the skies, hold the heart pendant of the necklace she gave to me together with the letter, and silently wish that someday she will come back to me and we can continue our love. I may sound so hopeless but what can I do? That is the silent desire of my heart. How can fate be so cruel?