XIII. Within the water

All my efforts were vain. It meant nothing. That I'd die later or now, it didn't make a difference either.

As I rushed to my place, hoping that my slumber would take me, I thought more than once to kill myself. Funny actually; as sick as I was before dying, the idea of suicide never came to my mind, but now that I was hopeless, that the thread of fate trapped me into that singular end, that I had things to lose, it all made sense. It was some sort of magical remedy; everything would instantly equate to naught. A fully hopeless (he who is without hope) man wouldn't care whether he died or not, but a desperate (he who is losing hope) man, such as myself, cared if he died, but he is constantly tempted by the nihilistic idea that if he died, he wouldn't care anymore; see, magical remedy.

And because I had no escape, I wanted to care a little bit longer; as I said to Hermione, I had to take them at 8. With that in mind, I stayed up all night without even blinking once, staring at the awfully white ceiling, even in the dark. At some point, I turned on all the lights and began to pack my luggage in the dead of midnight; I couldn't even hear my mind. Once finished, I went to bed again and continued my weird contemplation. Dawn came later on. With my bag in hand, I went down to my car, tucked it in the trunk, noticed my guitar was still there, left it there like something I'd take in my grave, and headed over to Hermione's apartment.

By the time I arrived there, they were already waiting near the parking lot, and they immediately came to the car with their suitcases. I went out and put these in the trunk too, while Hermione avoided my eyes, or maybe it was me who was avoiding hers. As silently, I started the engine again, after fixing Eda's seatbelt, and there we were, driving to god knows where. Well, I had an idea of where to start, and hopefully, Hermione fell asleep on the way, most likely tired from making the little girl's luggage during the night and with a hangover; the uncomfortable air dissipated as rapidly as she slept.

"Eda, wanna guess where we're going?" I talked to the latter.

"The motel, no?" she asked, puzzled.

"Here's a hint, your mom clung to me before a campfire," I said before looking at Hermione's sleeping face. I smiled a little bit.

"The lake! Right?"

"Sharp," I complimented. "And I'll show you that rundown barn around the end of the afternoon. I'm sure you'll like it."

"I'm looking forward to that," she replied. "Dad," she changed her tone, "Is everything fine with Mom?"

"…Listen, Eda, I did something wrong. But I promise you I'll apologize; you don't have to worry like that, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah…" she trailed off.

I had nothing to say. I gave her my phone, suggesting to put whatever song she wanted, which consisted of very catchy songs that would be worthy of your hatred if you were to listen to it twice. Hermione grumbled as hearing the loudness, and the little girl kindly turned down the volume, while humming. After some normal roads, the asphalt very rapidly converted itself into soil as Eda and I apperceived the lake's iridescence; we looked at each other and smiled again. The little girl shook her mother's seat, which led to her waking up, and before realizing it, I was carrying Eda on my shoulder as we dived in the warm water.

On her side, Hermione stood by the bank, watching us and drawing from time to time with a stick some scribbling on the mud that she'd erase as soon as they were finished. Well, I mostly played with Eda and only noticed that curious scene from time to time. After some time, we began to be fed up with water, so I suggested to the little girl what if we just floated ashore and gazed at the sky; she looked at me curiously, and couldn't help laughing. I told her to just do it, to close her eyes, hear the blurring sounds propagating through water, take a deep breath, and finally face the sky.

As I did so myself, I was surprised to see that it was still awfully blue; there were some clouds though, and we take another moment to guess what they were supposed to be. I joked too that in some place, far, and farther than imaginable from our own, clouds might be watching us humans and wonder 'this one looks like a jerk'. She laughed a bit and carried on my antics; 'this one looks like an elephant', 'this one looks like a mouse', 'this one looks like a chicken', 'this one looks like a horse'… We laughed together, and our blurred chuckled made me very peaceful. I never felt how pleasant was the sun's warmth.

Finally fully fed up, we got out of the water and were greeted by a patient Hermione, still averting her eyes, sitting next to our towels. I asked Eda if she wanted to make a fire, and minutes later, we were gathering dry wood from nearby. Each time, she'd come to prompt me if it was fine for the fire, to which I responded yes each time. We went back to Hermione around noon. I used a lighter to start the fire, like the first time, and the little girl watched all that process with some amazement. I laughed and teased on how she could end up pyromaniac if she stared too much at the blaze; she didn't believe, but just in case, she peered at the ground.

We were both starving, and after finally hearing our stomachs grumbling, I asked Eda to take some sweets from my bag in the trunk. I regretted a little a bit when I noticed I was all alone with Hermione again. A silence followed.

"So, we're not gonna talk about what happened yesterday?" she finally said.

I shut my mouth first, while sparing some glances at Eda from a distance away, struggling to find the said sweets.

"Come on, Eddie. I tried playing your weird game for a while now," she complained before finally looking straight at my eyes. "What's this all about?"

"Huh," I muttered while organizing my thoughts. "As you've guessed, it's me, Edward Graham. The thing is, well, believe me, I was given a chance to live again."

"Not totally unbelievable," commented Hermione.

"And don't be sad please," her lips tightened as I finished my sentence. "I only had ten days; that means I have two days left with today." she kept quiet for a moment.

Eda came back with three bags of sweets, but Hermione discarded her to play and take a bag with her; she still wanted to hear me. As soon as the little girl was far enough to hear, she looked at my eyes again.

"What do you mean you have two days left?"

"Well, I wanted to see you again. And foolishly, I thought I could fix all the shit I've done, and I bet with Death, literally, like a person, that I could do so without having you know that it was Eddie."

She kept quiet again.

"Hermione, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry," I said. "I really deserved to die like a dog; I couldn't even apologize to you. So sorry. And I probably deserve to die like a dog again." I wanted to cry so badly.

Eternally recurring, she clung to me again. This time, she also stroked her pendant in her hands, I could feel her being trembling; the last time I saw her pat the necklace, it was at my funerals. I hugged her while she began to weep silently.

"Why did you have to come back, Eddie?" as swaying, her voice carried uneasiness beneath the sun's warmth which seemed only so cold to me. "I hate you."

"That's what I feared since a long time ago," the regrets were lingering. "Is it mean from me to say that I love you now?"

"The most spiteful thing you ever did," she replied. She buried her head in my shoulder. The rhythm of her movements grew faster. "I was so happy that you were back, don't leave me again, please… I love you…"

As I sighed, I felt my breathing wavering under grief's weight. Soon enough, Eda came back, and almost magically, Hermione put on a mask and seemed perfectly fine, from an outsider's point of view that is. But under her mask, as I used to, I could notice her lips tighter than ever.

The next thing to do was to go see the rundown barn, about an hour from the lake, so after eating some sweets, we were on the roads again. Hermione was awfully awake this time, watching the dying world from her window, and keeping quiet like a mourning person. Eda carried on playing her tunes. We got there pretty quickly, a little less than what I'd expected. I could hear cicadas arguing between them as the world was dying into gold. Hermione stayed in the car, while Eda and I went inside the barn; there was a gigantic hole in the middle of it through which light was hitting hundreds of dust particles.

Lower, underneath the gaping ceiling, the place was similar to the day Hermione and I left it; there were still our prints on the hay we used as a mattress, and the tarpaulin we used as bed sheet was covered by a thick layer of filth. The little girl ran her finger on it before squinting in disgust and wiping it someplace else. She looked through the hole for a moment, and I joined her; then, I tried to describe to her the nocturnal sky that evening as we fell asleep in each other's arms. Starting with a blue canvas, the sky gradually seemed darker to me as I narrated, but it might've been due to the evening's arrival. Before we knew it, we already spent two or three hours doing idle chat.

We went back to the car to meet with Hermione with reddened eyes. As I installed myself before the steering wheel, I heard her sniffing. She seemed perfectly fine, but while asking Eda what we were doing, her voice oscillated very slightly. I drove again, this time to the motel. With the world becoming darker, the little rested her head on a window and fell asleep, most likely tired of swimming. The mother said nothing and only let out some sobs, almost whispers, from time to time; I held her hand but she continued. She carried on patting her necklace. I averted my eyes away. Mourn what isn't yet dead, as knowing that it shall, is worse than mourning the deceased.

The motel too hadn't changed from my memories; it was still as neglected and ramshackle, with some nasty things in each place unlit by the dim lights, and there were a lot, all that accompanied by an eerie atmosphere to run chills down your spine as soon as you parked your car. By the time we reached there, Hermione had calmed down a little bit. I told her that I was going to settle everything at the reception without even waiting for an answer; she just apathetically replied 'hum'. After showing all the requested papers, signing for a chamber, paying the accountant, taking the key, I went back to the car.

Given Hermione's state, I didn't want to leave her alone, even if Eda was there, so that was why I took only a room. I took out all the baggage in my trunk and left them in the parking lot before peering at the sleeping girl from her window. Hermione got out of the car and snatched the room's key, before grabbing Eda's and her stuff and heading to the room. I carried the little girl like the princess she is, and after a small stroll, I was putting her in bed in the murky room. Hermione was washing her face in the bathroom; the light from there made an awfully white contrast with the room's unpleasant color.

Afterward, she told that she was going to swim a little bit in the pool, which she pointed at from the window. Fortunately, the night was somehow warm, so I didn't worry about her having a cold. She closed the door as carrying her swimsuit and a towel, and I was alone with the little girl. I sank in a nearby sofa and watched Eda probably having dreams; too bad that she was tired, she seemed so adamant on the motel-thing. There's still a tomorrow though, we could stay a little bit longer, I thought. I looked around the room and seeing their luggage reminded me that I still didn't take mine.

I went back to the parking lot, and my belongings were still there; I sighed in relief. I put my guitar's case on my back and grasped my bag on my shoulder. On the way, I saw Hermione floating in the dim water lit by cheap lamps; a greenish light escaped its surface. I decided to sit on the pool's edge and carried on watching her. At some point, I took out my guitar and began playing; Hermione looked at me slightly surprised. She got closer to me to listen.

"It's been so long since the last time I heard you play," she said.

"And I just bought this guitar, y'know?" I strummed a chord.

"You still remember all the songs I asked you to learn?" she joked.

"'Til I die. So you might want to ask for one right now," I replied; strangely, there was no self-deprecation in the back of my mind.

She put her hands on the edge and pushed herself up with all her might. She looked at me and smiled as drying her hair. Then, she thought a little a bit and slightly jumped as having an idea.

"What about '26 is dancier than 4'?"

"Some math rock, alright," I answered as changing the guitar's tuning. "You never managed to properly count with the time signatures," I teased.

"Hey, that's not true at all, you know," she replied. "Bring it on," she defiantly carried on.

"Here goes nothing." I started playing; the notes echoed across the narrow place.

"1-2-3, 1-2, 1-2… huh…"

"And you're lost," I laughed. "Just sing if you can't. Alright, here we go again," I restarted the song.

Hermione let out a slightly angry "hmph" before stopping her antics and singing. With our feet in the water, I could feel her sweet voice vibrating. She stood up at some point and started dancing graciously under a mocking moon's lunar rays, perched amidst her distant friends of somber space. Her voice resonated infinitely in the night, coming back and forth to my ear like a periodic bliss; she smiled gradually more before shouting the lyrics in the wild. I laughed and she just looked at me all smiling. She carried on her weird act for five other songs amid her favorite. At last, she fell in the pool with all her agitation as not forgetting to bring me in her doom too. Fortunately, my guitar was still magically dry; but I was soaked to the bones.

She laughed and I chuckled back for a while. Like with Eda, we then mindlessly floated on the green's surface as gazing at the sky. We said nothing, and nothing, and still nothing for another eternity, and at last, Hermione wrapped her arms across my neck from my back. I could feel not only the warmth of her breasts, but also her heartbeats, drumming very peacefully like the rain on any pond.

"I wanna go to bed," she whispered in my ear.

"Guess it's getting late," I said as going out of the pool.

After carrying her out, I put the towel on her wet skin ran with freckles while she rested her head on my shoulder. I could feel her smiling face even if I didn't see her. We went back to the room, leaving trails of chlorine-filled water on another dirty carpet.

"Wanna take a bath together?" she asked out of nowhere, almost naturally, without even looking at me.

For some reason, I agreed. I started filling the room's bathtub with some hot water and put in some bath salt. And when the water reached the bathtub's rim, Hermione told me that she'll warn me when I could go in.

"Come in," she said through the door. "I'm closing my eyes," she added with some embarrassment.

I opened the door and the first thing my gaze met was Hermione covered in bubbling soap in the bathtub, covering her eyes with her hands.

"Hurry up," she mildly said as I awkwardly took off my clothes.

Once naked, I feared that she might see me, so I hurried in the water. We sat back against back; in that position, I could feel all the softness of her skin, while facing tiles as though placed by a drunkard. She leaned her head on mine before searching for my hand, which I grasped in return. Everything was dead quiet. Well, the sound of droplets dripping from the sink seemed deafening in comparison.

"I wish things could stay like this," she let out.

"Just the two of us, you mean?"

"Yeah," she smiled. "Just the two of us. What'll happen after tomorrow?"

"I will disappear, I think. And maybe the real Ed will wake up in his own body."

She kept quiet a little bit.

"I don't want that asshole back. I want Eddie, the guy that I loved since I was teenager."

"And wanna stay with Hermione, the girl that I loved since I was teenager. I wanna stay with my cute little daughter Eda."

"With our cute little daughter," replied Hermione. "Eddie, could you stay with me tomorrow, like, for the entire day?"

"I'd stay with you until I die."

She patted my hand before keeping quiet again.

"I'm going out of the bath now, so close your eyes please," she bashfully ordered.

I put my hands on my eyes like she did and soon enough, I was alone in the not-so-warm bathtub.