Chapter 3

»October, 2012 [Mathias Miller].

There are many things he didn't tell me, and I know he had more secrets than he let me know. As I turn the pages of this diary, I can discover between the lines that there was something else, it wasn't his illness, it was an event in his life that made him obsess about it as if he was to blame for something.

I must find out, I must get to know him!

Know if he's worth sticking my hands in the fire for. That's what he wanted me to do, to find out why every card he played.

My mother calls me to come down for breakfast. I tell her I'll be a while while I shower and get dressed. I had forgotten that I was already late for my appointment with the headmaster.

Once finished, I run downstairs and grab my toast and juice in a hurry. I run outside and take my bike and ride through the neighborhood along the streets leading to the school. When I get there, I stop at the front door.

How I hate this place!

I secure the bike and ride into the high school. I'm glad to notice that I've arrived during school hours and there's no one in the halls. I knock on the principal's office and he is waiting for me. I can tell by his features that my father's call to let him know I wanted to go back to school has surprised him. The last time I was in front of him, I yelled at him that I never wanted to set foot in this stupid school again in my life, and here I am.

-Mathias Miller," he says with a certain tone of surprise, "I expected everything but that phone call from your father to be true.

-Yes, I think so too.

-Why come back? What you did was very serious... burning the lockers... I shouldn't even let you set foot in this school.

-It was an impulse...

-Brought on by Paulina... -I show a gesture of reluctance-although you don't believe it, I understand it. And I wasn't going to expel you, you made that decision.

-I know. But I've matured, and I've understood that I can't run away from my problems, let alone do deliberate acts so that everyone can see how bad I am. In this last year, I have realized that accepting our mistakes helps us to keep walking. I understood that the first person to judge us is always us, and that is wrong. I want to go back to this school and face my new reality. In this way, I will become a better man in the future.

It came out just as I had rehearsed it hundreds of times in the mirror. There was no hesitation, my position was solid and I wanted it to be as believable as possible. For seconds I remember the talk with Sebastian about this day and the look on Director Kepner's face.

● ● ●

We were in my van, we bought pizzas and some cola. We parked near Rio Viejo, and just kept the car's interior light on. We were trying to plan what we would do shortly. He pretended to recreate what my back-to-school request would be like.

-He'll look at you with his serious eyes," Sebastian said, "he'll fix his tie, and say: Jums, jams. And he'll look at you again, put his hand on his mustache, and try to analyze if your words are true.

-Don't forget the respective gesture of fixing his waistcoat, and the two taps on the table - we start laughing.

-That old man is quite a character! But I know that after that, he will tell you: Welcome to Belisa's high school.

-Again...

I looked at him carefully, he stares in another direction, he was thinking, maybe remembering.

● ● ●

The headmaster leans in and is silent at my words.

Half an hour later he has agreed to my return on the condition of an excellent school average, and to stay away from any sporting activities and lockers.

If only he knew that I'm only doing this out of obligation and not because I wanted to.

As I leave the principal's office, the bell rings and all the students crowd into the corridors. I bump into one student or another and it makes me a little angry. But suddenly I see her walking in front of me. It's her, exactly as he described her. Yet now she only keeps a blank stare and a slow walk. But it's her, she's the reason I've asked to come back.

Natalie Fleming...

» March 2007. [Sebastian's past]

I had been woken up by the lights and the noise of the patrol car in the street. I looked out the window, saw it was parked at Natalie's house. I ran out of my room and headed for the door, out of the house. My feet were bare, so the first thing I felt was the cold concrete and because I was in my pajamas, the icy wind made my skin crawl. As I was about to move to Nita's house, I stopped.

Her parents were crying, walking in the direction of their car. Her father waved to the officer and he got into the patrol car. I turned to the door of her house and looked at her. Her cheeks were very red, her eyes wouldn't leave the ground. She had been crying, I wanted to run to her but my father stopped me.

-It's not a good time, Sebastian," she said in a very low tone, my father never used that tone of voice... unless something very bad was happening.

I watched her as she got into her father's car, she never looked up. Not even when I shouted her name three times.

Hours later when dawn broke, I learned what had happened in the early morning. A few streets away from the school there had been a fire, and in that incident, Williams Fleming, Natalie's older brother, had died.

It was past noon, and I was sitting on the porch waiting for them to arrive. They arrived with the funeral service. Natalie's face was very sad. She walked into her house without looking at me. Minutes later, I saw some men moving the furniture out of the house and into the garage. Floral arrangements and a coffin arrived.

By the time evening came, several people from the village showed up, bringing flowers and food. To the point that almost the whole village was there. My mother made me wear a black suit and tie. She combed my hair and shook the fuzz off my shoulders.

-It's the first of many difficult days for her. Be kind, she'll need a good friend.

Those were her words before she allowed me to leave my room and go to Natalie's house.

I placed one foot on the threshold and listened to the murmurs of the people. I looked around for Nita with my eyes, but she was not in the crowd. I passed through the living room, visualized the sealed urn with a wreath on top; not seeing her at the bottom I assumed she was in her room. I went upstairs and knocked on the door, as there was no answer I dared to open it, but she was not there. As I was coming down the stairs, I heard a noise. I went up the two steps I had come down and walked to the end of the corridor, a door was ajar and a light was coming out of it. Carefully I opened it and found her sitting on the bed looking at the photograph of her brother.

-Nita," I said fearfully.

When she saw me she burst into tears, and I ran to her and hugged her. It broke my heart to see her cry, I didn't want anything to hurt her, and I was willing to do whatever it took to get that smile back.

We stayed in each other's arms for long minutes, until she slowly pulled away from me.

-I'm very sleepy," she said.

She settled on her brother's bed, and I went to the wardrobe, took a sheet, covered her, and kissed her forehead. She closed her eyes and placed the photograph on her chest. I turned off the light, left only the small lamp on, closed the door, and went home.

» Day 4 [Sebastian's diary].

I try to think about the good things, the good days, the good people... I try to keep the good side that is still left of me. But sometimes it's so hard, it's as if shadows are crowding around me and snatching away every glimmer of hope. Every chance to be free of this. It's hard to live like this, to feel more guilt than joy. Sometimes I wish I could be so cold, rip out my heart and erase all presence of feelings, so I could at least get some sleep at night.

I don't even know why the hell I decided to write everything in this stupid diary. What the hell do I get out of writing this?

I want to die already!

» July 2011. [Sebastian Harrison]

The last week of our penultimate school year was over. Young people from the village would soon be starting the festivities. However, it was up to us to follow orders, before we could think about having fun.

It's been a long day, we had to put Cervantes' order in storage, and tie up some loose ends. It's amazing how everyone at first seems to complain about this job, then when they get all the money they seem to forget the atrocities they've had to commit. Everyone has a price, and it seems that dominating children is more pleasurable for him. Now I'm angry, and Lisa seems to be hell-bent on fomenting that anger.

-That's enough, Lisa," I yell at her without the slightest qualm.

-Do you think she's not going to find out what you've done sooner or later?

-At least not as long as she lives.

-What do you see in her? Natalie is a stupid girl, she would never understand your position.

-And you do? You were my friend, and even then you dragged me with you.

-I wasn't going to play alone...

-Enough with that! This isn't a game anymore! This is hell!... -Don't you realize that we're criminals? That Cervantes has us as his soldiers? Look at you, Lisa! Do you know how many girls in this town you've destroyed, just to keep that bastard from taking the mansion you live in? Do you know how much blood there is on our hands?

Everything was fine, we were just normal teenagers, playing the occasional dare. But all that changed less than a year ago, when Manuel's father found out everything we had done, so at first he kindly proposed to hide our secret, and in return, he would only ask us for a favor. Sometime later the events at Andrés' party decided our fate, a challenge that got out of hand, and he took advantage of it. He threatened to tell everything to the police, no matter if his son was the culprit, and upon hearing our pleas, he simply told us that in exchange for his silence we would work for him.

Something simple, it seemed.

-I do what it takes to be comfortable in this place.

-At the expense of other people's lives?

-Those girls are nothing, I don't even care about them. I don't care about anyone in this stupid town but you.

She comes up to me and tries to kiss me. I quickly push her away and immediately notice her anger.

-Natalie's going to find out about this, and she's going to hate you! So much so that you'll want me to kill you myself, because you won't stand to see the girl you love hate you for being a murderer.

-NO! I am not a murderer.

Out of rage I hold her arms tightly and push her to the wall, she screams in pain, "You wouldn't have the courage!

-You wouldn't have the courage. Accept it! We're puppets - She regains her composure. And stares at me. I'm your best option, and she's your undoing.