Chapter 113: Before the exam (2)

*Mc POV*

I closed the door of my secret bunker as I was ready to leave for school.

The entire system I had put in place to protect my bunker is a pain in the ass, and I am not entirely sure it is worth the trouble.

This world has people that can easily see through things or dive beneath the ground; so there would be nothing to stop them if they attempt to enter through other means than going through the door.

Not that I could be bothered to be worried about all the possibilities as I picked up my backpack.

Simply put, today is slightly special.

It is another day, one of the many that they put us through some kind of trial.

I can now handle most of it that they try to put us through.

Pain has become numb.

Nor do I have much to lose…

As I found myself passing by a street near a certain park, it suddenly dawned on me; that this was a park that I used to come here with Takao before…it feels so long ago.

Making the year that passed feel even longer, a part of me wishes I could forget.

But I don't forget things easily now unless I never truly paid attention, to begin with.

So, in a way, it always comes down to repressing things deep inside.

There's nothing I can do about it at this point.

I wonder what the "me" from my previous life would have done…at the end of the day, we're really different people.

I used to think that the things I knew from my previous life could be used here, but the more I look deeper into our memories… it feels like I am watching a movie of another person altogether.

I don't understand most of his choices, and I wanted to know if revenge truly was something I should dedicate myself to, but I came up with no answers.

His most personal memories are gone.

Not relatives, no friends…I sometimes truly wonder if he simply decided to forget it as he reincarnated to become me.

If that's true, then it would be better for me to forget as well and dedicate myself and protect those that matter to me now and that I can save.

I've learned my lesson.

I can't take things as lightly as I did in the past.

But I am currently not that strong and I've learned more in one year, about what strength truly means in this world than ever before. Or at least to know enough to understand that becoming stronger is much harder than it seems, my classmates don't understand that to some degree.

They more or less understand that being a shinobi is quite dangerous, that much is true. But most don't understand truly what it entails. After being so close to death at that time… made me understand, how things truly are bleak in this world.

Failing means death.

And if you can't keep up with your studies, it is a clear indication that you may need to give up on that career path or at least specialize in a specific talent you have.

Due to that realization, I now feel that I live in another world from them, even seeing them laughing and playing around from time to time is slightly painful. To know that some may end up dead in a few years.

It is unbearable to think about it, people like Saya and Zen may have been pushed to walk toward that path because of me.

It is too late now.

All I can do now is hope and help them as much as I can.

It's sad but I can not dissuade them altogether, but at least by to the academy they should be able to protect themselves from most dangers out there.

Unfortunately, It is not enough from what I know will happen in the future.

Being powerless…is truly hell.

Especially if you are aware of it and can not truly do anything about it.

It is the same as being stuck drowning forever… without hope.

I understand now that some things stay with you for your entire life, it makes me wonder if being a shinobi altogether is truly what I want…I want to get revenge but if I let things stay the same as they are those responsible will die either way.

What is the need for me in this story?

Maybe…maybe I just make things worse…it doesn't seem that anyone has any use for me…not my parents, not Saya and the others…not even Naruto.

I am just not good for anyone.

Nor do people need me.

Even if I get stronger, it is either not fast enough or good enough.

But it is true that I have indeed made a lot of progress this year…even more or less can manage my sharingan…though I can't say that I can't really control that power yet.

My chakra is drained by it almost instantly; which makes training for long periods of time, almost impossible.

But the truth is… that I have no idea how the sharingan truly works.

It's more like I have to turn off and on, some kind of switch in my mind.

I have to calm down and try to disturb my chakra flow just to cancel it.

Though, I don't really like to use that power either way…from the recordings of the battles C, showed me…It can help intensify my emotions to an absurd degree.

I looked almost possessed.

I am sure that it is only because those events happened within my mind and that my yin energy is much greater there which lets me tap into the worse of myself has to offer; since I've never behaved that drastically in real life.

…just thinking about that makes me wonder if walking down that path is truly worth it.

I promised Takao that we would be shinobis one day…together…but that much is impossible now.

But, I could perhaps one day find a way to bring him back… I had hoped but I don't think I could do it as I am now nor he would want to be brought back by the means I know that are available.

Besides, that degree of power cannot be easily attained.

If that kind of power was so easy to come by, everyone would try the same thing, and those that I know have that kind of power; are incredibly strong.

I now know how truly difficult it is to progress as a ninja; all my enemies are stronger than I was at their age.

Being a ninja is truly difficult and talent is everything.

My studies at the academy are going well…though I am no longer the top student in most areas since last year.

I am not failing or anything major, but…I am not very good at controlling my chakra.

I can barely pass most things related to the practice of ninjutsu.

I can make up for the difference by studying a lot and learning a lot of things that I didn't know in the past.

Though, my chakra control might have to do with other things that cannot so easily be adjusted due to learning new things.

No matter what, chakra is what defines your career as a ninja.

Having poor chakra control is enough to make you unable to do most things, basically relegating you to being destined for mediocrity.

Not having enough chakra reserves is enough for any hope of becoming a ninja to die.

And I excel at none of those.

I am afraid that I am slightly lying to myself at this point.

It has been about six months since I have tried to practice fireball jutsu, but I can barely make a fireball about the size of a soccer ball that evaporates in less than a second or two.

It is not a simple ninjutsu to perform, but it is not as hard and more simple than most. Even a child that has basic knowledge of chakra should be able to use it without difficulty if they have a talent for fire chakra nature, and even I can use it…though I am not partially great.

It took 4 months for fire to come out of my mouth, and I can't even shape it into a sphere or make it bigger.

Not only that but it takes a lot of chakra just to make fire appear for poor performance and a subpar outcome.

So until I am able to control it properly it will be just a useless jutsu that I can never use since I burn more chakra than I need for a jutsu I am not good at.

But I can't give up.

It is already quite good for a child to be able to perform nature release jutsu even if it is to an underwhelming level.

So I have to work pretty much day and night to keep trying to improve my affinity for it but it takes a lot of time and empties my chakra reserves quite fast, making me unable to pursue so many other endeavors.

Our main teacher said that it is rare for even a genin to use an elemental release, but since the blood that flows in me is from a clan of powerful shinobi that excel in fire jutsu.

It just shows how lacking my potential truly is at the end of the day.

Revenge or even the thought of becoming stronger has never been this far away.

My opponents, if dare to go after them, were far more talented than I am at the same age, just to be able to stand in front of them would be suicide.

What would I be able to accomplish if I die in vain?

I train hard every day, I need to at least put 3 times the effort as my classmates. How many nights of me not sleeping have to go through for poor gains?

If I can't find some way to change my situation within the next year, I will be giving up or leaving Konohagakure altogether.

So that I can walk my own path, staying here will only be a waste of time, but in order to leave I will have to tell someone trustworthy all that I know before leaving.

At least this way, maybe many can afford to not die, no…I am lying… I just don't want them to die.

- Hey Homura! (Toshio)

I look looked behind, in order to see who it was that called out to me.

It was Toshio.

That appearance was unmistakable to me.

I'd recognize those fiery red eyes and that brown hair anywhere, I've known him all my life.

To think I didn't recognize his voice could only mean that I am truly distracted.

I was certainly distracted as to how to proceed in the future, and I almost ignored everything else.

So I paused and waved toward Toshio; which allowed me to look at my surroundings while waiting for Toshio to catch up to my location.

Before I realized I was already two streets away from the academy.

I can tell that much since I take this route every day and the path has now become ingrained in my mind.

- Yo! You're up early I didn't see you leave this morning. (Toshio)

- Well, I had things to do this morning.

- Ah! I know what you mean I was missing a few things too; thankfully the bearded uncle in the food district opened early, so I was able to pack some food. (Toshio)

Before even waiting to get an answer, we picked up the pace once more.

- No. I packed everything I needed yesterday.

- Is that so? I guess you've grown up lately. (Toshio)

- Says the guy who forgot to pack, and had to wake up early to look for food.

- I did forget to pack, I packed everything 4 days ago but I kept eating some of the food on hand since I overpacked a bit… before I realized it, I only had a day's worth of food. (Toshio)

- Right, I forgot that you eat quite a bit. You're pretty much always hungry.

- What!? Stop making stuff up! And I don't eat a lot! My appetite only increased a lot lately because I am training a lot lately! (Toshio)

- Why? Besides your poor grades in general studies, you're quite highly ranked. Like 13 or 17?

- I am ranked 8th! Stop making stuff up if you don't know Mr. former number 1. (Toshio)

- I was number 1 for a semester…Besides the position changes quite easily.

- Making excuses, huh? Now that's the Homura I know. (Toshio)

-…

- Well anyway to answer your previous question, I am training so that I can become the best in taijutsu, I can't keep losing to the same people all over again. First I will beat, Shino, then you, and then Sasuke! (Toshio)

He said while pointing towards me.

To think he wants to defeat me too, but I doubt that would ever work since I train much more than he knows and have a sharingan to help me copy and predict moves, even if it is incomplete.

The only reason, well many reasons as to why I don't defeat Sasuke in most of our spars and try to always either restrain him or give up; is because unlike me, he's a true genius.

He improves at a much faster rate when he has someone he can use as a reference.

Even without the sharingan, he picks up things almost on an instinctual level. It is similar as to why I don't help Naruto more than I can.

Besides, with him having poor chakra control due to the Kyubi's interference there's really not much I can help him even if I wanted.

- Good luck with that.

- Buh! I don't need you wishing me luck since I know that you're not being truthful. (Toshio)

He stuck his tongue out while telling me his answer.

I can tell he truly is trying hard; if he truly is ranked so high, he truly must be trying hard.

If he becomes stronger in the future at least I won't have to worry about him, which is a load off my shoulders.

Not that I was worried about him…truthfully he is quite gifted and doesn't seem to struggle much…I do envy that part about him.

-*Smirk* I am serious, if you truly improved that much I want to face you one day too for real, but by then I can guarantee you that I will be much stronger.

I gave him a confident look.

That's right, I also want one day to face him seriously.

- Oh?! Hmph! Bring it on! I will be the one to defeat you then. (Toshio)

He raises his fist towards my way as he says that.

- ? What are you doing?

- A fist bump. Come on, don't leave me hanging! That's what true rivals do! (Toshio)

Fist bump, that's a real thing?

…And rivals, huh?

So he's my rival now… Why not?

Thus I indulged Toshio's request and connected my left fist with his right fist.

Though I would rather not have him ever set foot on a battlefield, I know it is impossible,

This is simply the kind of world we live in, just hope he doesn't become too strong, too quickly or others will start paying more attention to him.

- Oh, yeah? I forgot to mention, you know that old guy that sometimes goes to see Saya? (Toshio)

-…What are you talking about?

- The one with shades! Come on! (Toshio)

-…Sure. I think remember seeing someone like that.

I have no idea what or who is he talking about.

-Jeez! If you don't know you don't have to pretend you don't know…*sigh* you really never change do you? (Toshio)

- So it was that obvious, huh?

I thought my poker face was quite good though.

- Well, It really doesn't matter too much. Maybe, that guy just saw her potential early and sees someone worth passing down his techniques to… She is abnormally strong…Besides Saya always tells me everything, if it was something serious she would have told me.

Come to think of it…it is not that weird that she is that strong…Sasuke is abnormally strong too even for a kid his age.

Some people in this world just are that strong quite early and some people try to recruit them from their time at the academy…I believe that is how Guy-san will learn about Lee in the future, or something like that.

- I guess, maybe that is true. (though I don't really know about that last part.) (Toshio)

- If you truly are that curious why don't you ask her about that?

- Well, I asked…but she said that he was just a nice person whom she helped once before. He took a liking to her and was helping her with her training. (Toshio)

Is that true?

What training?

I do remember her trying to tell me about us working or training together last year…but I couldn't.

I had too many things going on.

Was this what it all was about?

- That makes sense…are you jealous that nobody tried to train you?

- W-what?! I don't need help! An awesome guy like me only shines brighter after struggling. (Toshio)

- Is that so? I hope you're right about that.

- Of course, I am right! (Toshio)

He said while smiling and doing some odd motions with his hand.

So I just gave a smile that I was really trying to disguise, but failed halfway through due to how cringe this guy is.

What an overly confident weirdo.

I still can't believe Saya said we are similar.

She must be delusional or be seeing things.

Hopefully, I hope this day ends soon so that I can go back to doing more important things.

If what I discovered last month is true, then I might have to change a few things.

Chapter end