"You Useless Goddess!"

This story is Fanfiction, and I don't own 𝗞𝗼𝗻𝗼𝗦𝘂𝗯𝗮!, If I did, Aqua would be even more useless. 𝗞𝗼𝗻𝗼𝗦𝘂𝗯𝗮! is owned by 𝗦𝘁𝘂𝗱𝗶𝗼 𝗗𝗲𝗲𝗻 and 𝗡𝗮𝘁𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗲 𝗔𝗸𝗮𝘁𝘀𝘂𝗸𝗶

-<[𝘼𝙝, 𝘾𝙧𝙖𝙥!]>-

I have a philosophy That I have always followed. My father Dixon Lilith, a Hylotl, was a great man, and an even better father.

But he would always come and sit me down during times of turmoil in my childhood, but the thing that stuck out the most from those talks was this one sentence.

'𝘑𝘦𝘯𝘯𝘺, 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘳𝘦, 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦. 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘧 𝘸𝘦 𝘥𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦, 𝘸𝘦 𝘥𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵. 𝘐𝘧 𝘸𝘦 𝘥𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘖𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘢𝘺.'

'𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘬𝘪𝘥. 𝘉𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴, 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘭𝘺. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘯.'

I know this doesn't have much meaning to this useless child I have to babysit.

But right now, this Useless Puddle is grinding at my 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙥𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚.

"OI! What the fuck, you useless goddess?!" My newest companion and his familiar, (I refuse to refer to Puddle by her name.) Kazuma was the first person I saw when I found myself in the anime equivalent of Saturday morning cartoons back on Nye Crest, My home planet.

Though, Thinking back on it...

-<{𝙁𝙇𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝙎𝙃𝘽𝘼𝘾𝙆}>-

"...𝘿𝙞𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙢𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙢𝙚?!" I growled in frustration, my azure blue leaves rustling in anger.

The Blue Haired Puddle just looked back with a pout, "I would've needed to get on my knees for that, and I don't want to dirty my Divine body!"

Both me and Kazuma make eye contact, and we completely understood what the other was thinking.

𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴.

"-So you should be on your knees, worshipping me!" She finished her rant, which I was 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 listening to. (totally not sarcasm.)

Turns out, mission debriefs made it very easy to train my Tune-out skills.

But my plant brain decided to run its obscene mouth, "Sounds kinky. Nic-*cough* sorry what?"

When that sentence left my mouth, Kazuma tripped, and Aqua sported an... Atomic Red Blush?!

𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘶𝘶𝘶𝘶𝘶𝘶𝘤𝘬?

"*𝘊𝘖𝘜𝘎𝘏* *𝘏𝘈𝘊𝘒* *𝘈𝘏𝘌𝘔*, What the hell Plant Lady!?" 𝗣𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗧 𝗟𝗔𝗗𝗬!?!

"First, that is a racial slur, and second, sometimes my plant brain decides to be horny. Like you, you damn 𝘏𝘪𝘬𝘪𝘕𝘦𝘦𝘵."

"I'm not a NEET! And sorry about that, I have literally no idea what you are... seriously, sentient plant?" Kazuma apologized but muttered something at the end I couldn't quite catch.

"*sigh*, alright, exposition time. I am a Floran, a race of carnivorous Sentient Plants.-" Kazuma visibly paled when I said that. "-that was a part of the Terrene Protectorate."

""was?"" Both asked.

"Well, you can't be a part of something that doesn't exist anymore." Kazuma looked interested in my story, probably because it sounds sci-fi.

"Well, Earth ("Earth?!") was its headquarters for a long while, 'till 𝙈𝙧.𝙃𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙘𝙡𝙚 𝙏𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙞, or '𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑹𝒖𝒊𝒏' decided he should go and trash earth 'cause it was cranky. I'm here because I killed him. The bastard pulled a suicide move."

Kazuma paled even further when he heard about Earth's destruction. "W-What year was it when you died?"

"Uh... 3072? Why?" Both Kazuma and Aqua did a spit-take.

"3072?! It was 2016 when I died!" Kazuma yelled in surprise.

Aqua, however, had a more comical reaction, "3-3072?! Earth's time is somewhat relative to Isseoroth!" She practically yells, "The only person with the ability to do that would... be... 𝘰𝘩 𝘯𝘰." She pales.

"Are you talking about Selena?" Aqua goes even paler.

"𝑆𝐻𝐸'𝑆 𝐵𝐴𝐶𝐾!?" She screams in fear, "𝐾𝐴𝑍𝑈𝑀𝐴! 𝐵𝑅𝐼𝑁𝐺 𝑀𝐸 𝐵𝐴𝐶𝐾 𝐼 𝑁𝐸𝐸𝐷 𝑇𝑂 𝐶𝐿𝐸𝐴𝑁 𝑈𝑃 𝑀𝑌 𝐺𝑅𝐴𝐶𝐼𝑂𝑈𝑆 𝐴𝑁𝐷 𝐷𝐼𝑉𝐼𝑁𝐸 𝑂𝐹𝐹𝐼𝐶𝐸!"

"Cut the crap! Gracious, my ass! Suffer like the rest of us!" Kazuma, who was enjoying her freakout, stated with frustration.

Aqua tears up at Kazuma's outburst

𝘏𝘶𝘩, 𝘣𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘈𝘲𝘶𝘢 𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘥𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘤.

-𝗣𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲-

𝗣𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗕𝘂𝘁𝘁𝗼𝗻!

.

.

.

.

.

-𝗦𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁-

The hell was that?

-<{𝙁𝙇𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝘼𝙎𝙃𝘽𝘼𝘾𝙆 𝙀𝙉𝘿}>-

"Hey Kazuma, you're the token anime fan of the group, you know what's next?"

Kazuma held a thinking pose, his hands holding his chin, "Well, from the things I've watched, and its many Cliches and tropes, I would say we need to head over to an Adventurers Guild in town."

He turns his head to Aqua, "Was that a right guess, Useless?"

"T-that was actually very accurate- 𝘞𝘈𝘐𝘛 𝘞𝘏𝘖 𝘈𝘙𝘌 𝘠𝘖𝘜 𝘊𝘈𝘓𝘓𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘜𝘚𝘌𝘓𝘌𝘚𝘚, 𝘠𝘖𝘜 𝘏𝘐𝘒𝘐𝘕𝘌𝘌𝘛?!" She yelled when she heard her nickname.

I walked in between them, my hands pushing them apart, "Okay you two, how about we head over to that village over there, and 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦, 𝙮𝙚𝙖𝙝?"

That made both of them shiver.

Am I really that scary?

-<[𝘼𝙝, 𝘾𝙧𝙖𝙥!]>-

Apparently, the village is called Axel. I'd like to think my mysterious counterpart would have given this knowledge to me, but apparently, I only got broad strokes of info.

Like the names of important characters, and useless stuff, like how Megumin and Darkness are apparently lesbian?

I mean, It's good to know, I just don't think It was necessary Information.

"Hey, I can see the guild guys!" Both of them perk up and spot the guild.

We walk through the Guilds Doors', and everyone goes silent when one big burly dude walks up to us.

He glares, "Hey! Haven't seen you around before. And what's with the weird clothes?"

Kazuma answers him, "Oh, we've actually come a long way, and we just got into town. I want to become an adventurer to fight the Devil King's army, too."

The man looks him in the eye, "Is that right, you reckless punk?" Kazuma starts sweating, "Then Welcome to the gates of Hell! The Receptionist desk is back there." He points behind him to the Woman -with arguably large... 'Personalities'- at the desk labeled 'Reception'

He walks away to a table of people -probably his party- and Aqua turns to Kazuma to ask him a question, "Hey, how could you make up a story on the spot like that?"

"He's a NEET ("Hey!") Puddle ("My name is Aqua! The Goddess!"), they lie as easily as they breathe. We should probably go and get registered now."

""Fine."" They both grumble as they follow me to the front desk.

I spot her nametag on the rather loose-fitting clothing she wears, her name is Luna Aevery.

"Hey... Luna? Yeah, I and my friends are here to become Adventurers, Is there any specifics to it...?"

Luna stares at me for some- wait she's staring at my tits? They aren't that big.

I think.

"*𝘈𝘩𝘦𝘮*" I cleared my throat, and she finally snaps out of her funk. Kazuma quietly questions if she was blushing behind me, "A-Ah, sorry about that ma'am, my name is Luna, how may I help you today?"

"Yeah, me and my friends here-" I gesture to the two bickering Idiots behind me,"-want to register as Adventurers."

Luna's demeanor changes to one of a professional. "Is that so? Alright, the Fee for the registry is 1200 Eris each, do you have that ma'am?"

I reach into my Inventory- Did I always have this? -and grab a bag of 3600 Eris to give her.

"Here ya' go Luna." I hand her the bag.

"Alright then, Please present your hand to the Crystal Ball."

I reach over put my palm over the ball, and Luna reads my stats, surprised.

"W-wow! These starts are way above average! You could become any class with thi-"

"Swordsman."

A beat passes

"H-Huh?" She looks bewildered by my interruption. "Swordsman."

"A-Alright then, Miss Jenny."

The crowd looks rather disappointed by my choice of class.

"Now then, Miss Aqua, please put your hand on the Crystal ball"

She does as she asks.

"Aside from your intelligence being below average, and your luck being the lowest possible level, all of your stats are drastically above average!"

Aqua looks absolutely gleeful, "Does that mean I'm really amazing?"

"Well, A-Amazing is an understatement! You could choose any class!"

"Well, as the beautiful (""You mean Useless?"") goddess I am, I choose to become an Archpriest!"

""""WUOOOOOOOOOHH!!!!"""" the entire guild goes wild with cheer.

"Join our party!"

"No, Join ours!"

"She's a girl, so she should be in our party!"

Fuckin' Poachers.

"Now, Mister Kazuma, please put your hand on the Crystal ball.

He does so as well.

"Average across the board. With the exception of decently high intelligence... Oh? Your luck is extraordinarily high." She points out, "Of course, luck isn't a very essential stat for an adventurer... With this much luck, I'd recommend becoming a merchant or something similar..."

Kazuma had a look on his face that said 'Hey, she's disapproving of my adventurer's lifestyle right off the bat!'

"The only Class you could take would be an Adventurer, and they can learn any skill from any class, only at more expensive prices."

"I-I'll take that then."

𝑂ℎ 𝑏𝑜𝑦.