Heather's Journal
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Hey, that's a mean looking witch! Yee haw! Let's shoot'er!
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10/16/94
Boyds trip. Too loud walkman already irritating me. Far be it from me to turn away help. It seems beggars can't be choosers. I feel like I should throw a little party, buy a bottle of cuervo or something - a little fiesta before the potential hellshoot. Practical and theoretical experience are 2 different things. This raises concerns for me, as far as Mike goes. I don't know him, but I think he'll be alright though. Tolerance. Preparation. Wits. Keeping one's wits. Squirrels. Fish. [Inuhim]. Keep [ucumberesqne]. Cool. Relaxed. Ready. Relaxed Readiness. Possibilities can be so ugly. Stay focused focused focused. Handle what is actually happening rather than freak about what could happen. How much to tell the boys? This is directly related to not worrying . . .
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. . about what could happen. I don't want them to be unnecessarily worried (esp. Mike). For any cases, I am prepared enough for all three of us, mentally, anyway. Everything has finally fallen into place. I cannot afford for someones a$sholes behavior to screw things up. And let's put it this way, I'm not worried about Josh. Note to self - This negative energy is bad Karma for the whole project. 3 is a number of unity. 3 is a number of perfection and creation. Although one (1) stands for the creative force, three, representing the acting of the intelligent principle on matter, stands for the act of creation. 3 is the # of TOTALITY OF TIME (past, present, future) and of activity (beginning, middle, end). It is the number of the Trinity (Triple Goddess!) and corresponding groupings of 3 of other religions, and of the FAMILY. 3 is the basis of magical doctrine, it supposes an intelligent cause, ...
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. . . a cause which speaks!, and an expressed principle. Well, that's us, 3. Butterflies on acid in my belly. What if Elly K simply became a survivalist and killed out of self defense? if an equilateral triangle (such as the one she made where the men from the search party were found dead) with the point upward is mean to ward off evil spirits, maybe she put it there to PROTECT their bodies, and perhaps she didn't kill them at all. Hell, maybe she doesn't even exist. But if she does . . . oh, what an adventure this will be! PREPERATION over TREPIDATION DON'T BE SCARED . . . BE PREPARED! maybe if the documentary thing doesn't work out, I have a future in PSA's!
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10/16/94 (after the Lone Star)
Set up shop after the Lone Star. Bill sleeping. Not I. Field. Field. Field. We cannot go out there soon enough for me. Elly Kedward. Josh and Mike. I hope they will pull through. I am not so worried about Josh. Arrogance toward nature is a very bad idea. Clear night. North star visible. Black sky. Elly our there. Maybe. Well . . . ? If anything will/can find out it will be me. I can't explain the kinship I feel to her. She will get through. I cannot see how she could avoid perceiving the energy I am sending her way, and have been for 2 years now. The time is ripe. right. ready. Am I. Confidence must be a guiding force. If I cannot ground and center myself I will lose Josh & Mike immediately. It never hurts to play "the girl" though, either. A balance of good 'ol feminine manipulation mixed with maintaining the respect due my position shoud be an interesting . . .
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...guest. The guys are going to be picking up equipment tomorrow and shooting some tests. I am going to focus on some last minute research (checking out some old documentaries on occultish things). I am hoping this will help to inspire me as far the "look" of the film goes, as I have been so caught up with the details these past few weeks, I have had little thought time to devote to the actual aesthetic that I am going for. I am rather clueless in this department at the moment. I can certain, however, that I'll know it when I see it. In any case I'll shoot enough video just in case I can't see "it" until the 2nd or 3rd viewing. To the woods at the end of the week. Three days of odds & ends.
Mystical three...
P.S. - Still burping the chimi changa I ate at ChiChi's.
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10/17 Problems articulating (vision). Must remedy this if they are to trust me. Their trust is essential. Mutual surrender, like the devout. Boy bonding. I am definitely out of that. Must stop worrying about being the b!tchy boss lady. They need to know that I am in charge and that I have the ability to be so. NOTE TO SELF - That means no waffling! Night is a relief because it means another day of preproduction is done and we are a day closer to shooting. Went to the movies tonight and out for a beer at the Holiday Inn. Bonding, or trying to anyway. Well, not trying so much as hoping I start to feel obsessive, because I can't really think about anything else. While we were at the bar I just kept thinking about how I wanted to get back to...
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"The occult experience" an Australian doc that was rated NC17 @ Blockbuster and had nothing more than witch tits. Young attractive witches, maybe that's the problem. ...practice loading the camera, so I can get faster at it. My documentaries (That I watched) today ranged from God awful to good. I would like mine to be better than them (Gee, there's an original sentiment). I guess that all depends on Elly. Mary interview a go for Thursday. Yi pee. Already have Josh set to snoop around the place and shoot while I break the scial ice. Let's hope we find out something good. Music can only do so much.
Silence. How can they sleep?! Maybe I am obsessed. In any case there are worse things to be obsessed about.
October 18
John is a facking a$shole. If he can control his arrogance for a second I'm sure we'll get along fine. I find myself feeling...
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..furious and irritated most of the time. He snoozes the alarm until 9 (was supposed to be 8:30) then gets directly in the shower now that I have to piss like a facking racehorse, and he tells me to come in, that he's in the shower with the curtain shut. Not asking anyone if they might like to shower this morning (which I did). Well, I don't WANT to piss while you're in the shower, just like you didn't WANT to let the alarm go at 8:30 or ask anyone if they needed to use the shower. He went to the bagel place, so I went to Denny's, where I am right now. It's a matter of principle, leadership. Let's be clear. I was test loading the camera last night and my loop below the gate was too small so he's like "Oh, that doesn't sound good." WELL NO SH!T!
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10/18/94
I have ears of my own, thank you. The hardest part of living together is peacekeeping. How do we do it my way, and still keep him on? Why is it becoming a me and him issue anyway? In any case, I'll be taking over the alarm clock. Maybe he's forcing me into leadership because he know I will try to keep peace above all else. Sure, that's right, think of it like that...pleasant thoughts.
10/18/94 (later) I am exhausted. Last minute equipment. Beer. Tony from Florida (our neighbor) and last but not least, CRY BABY BRIDGE. We're back tomorrow night - Every passing train brings a baby's cry. Historical truth. Disturbing. Sleep important right now.
TRUTH/LEGEND
easily confused concepts
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10/19
Into the 1st day of shooting tomorrow. Intro and Mary interview tomorrow for sure. Coffin Rock on Saturday, and hopefully the cemetary on Sunday. Anticipation. Relaxation near impossible. The guys got all the equipment together and threw in some of their own money for sleeping bag rental and some of the other camping supplies. In spite of small spurts of frustration (mostly on my part) I think, in spite of my hesitation, we are a good team. It (the project) means the most to me, but that's to be expected, and it would be odd if it were any other way. It is going to be cold! I think, okay, I know that my quasi-obsession with the project combined with feeling alienated by all the "boy stuff" that Josh and Mike will have going, that I am naturally excluded from; will make me possibly behave cuntishly. It is also possible, however, that I have become paranoid about my behavior because I am so stressed out about how much this is costing and I can't quite relax even around myself, let alone Josh and Mike. I am hoping that getting underway will be a big sigh of relief. Sorry if I am not writing sensibly. So much more in my head that can't find words.
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10/20
Excellent day of shooting. Horrible night of fighting. Trust is essential for this project. I need these guys. They need a project to work on. They may both think I'm anal-but who saved the money to make a movie? Josh got trashed and didn't feel like checking anything. Mike volunteered to shoot an interview and decided to get creative with the camera, which he doesn't even know how to turn on.
I have the floor (for sleeping). I am trying. I need this to work. Even though I'm not paying them, I have still sunk a lot of money in. I need to feel us working together, but I feel so alone. Maybe I truly am a weirdo. But I don't think so. I think this is a good project. But how the hell (hell) do I stay in control of it? Why do they insist on making me a third grade teacher when I just want to relax every bit as much...
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10/20
...as they do. Every bit. It's supposed to rain all weekend. I know there will be bitching, and I can understand it. I just can't accept it. I can feel myself becoming paranoid in just the last few hours. Josh does not listen to me at all and he's supposed to be my friend. Mike is more respectful and I don't know d!ck about him. Money would help so much, I think. Tomorrow night we will be too cold to fight. Please God, let this work. No more alcohol on this shoot. Period. don't give a sh!t about their warmth excuses or whatever else they come up with. By the way, Mary Brown was bizarre.
Maybe I am drifting from reality.
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10/22
Filthy. Stinky. Exhausted. I have no energy to write at night like I thought I would. Mike started a fight with me today, about not knowing where the cemetary was. I knew where it was, where it is. We are next to it now.
I'm thirsty. Parched, actually. My shoulders and neck are unspeakably sore, but I think we have good footage. I'm putting a lot of trust in Josh (sometimes they're so easily confused). Not that it would be easy to check up on him as everything was hand held. Mike was sh!tting his pants in the cemetary. I don't know if it was because I found it or because he's scared. My guess is he doesn't want to look like an a$shole in front of Josh, but he's SCARED. I am interested to see if anything happens. Elly, are...
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...you out there? How about saying hello, it would give this film such a jolt, to say the least. I think I gained some respect after finding the cemetary today. I don't think the boys believed there was a cemetary. I think off-trail hiking freaked them out a bit even with a map and compass. Pansies. In any case, home tomorrow and snug in our beds. I can't wait, camping is fun but a clean warm bedroom and a fully stocked fridge have their perks.
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Sunday We are not at home. Everyone freaked out today. I am sure I know were the car is, it's just taking longer than I thought. I don't know. Pretty much everything that happens I tape, and writing uses light and light is batteries and batteries are money. I still feel a little lonely, but we'll be going home tomorrow, so I will be fine again. The hardest thing about directing is dealing with people, it almost seems as if the smaller the number of people, the harder it is, because you're with them all the time. I truly like these guys, Mike has turned out to be incredibly cool, and Josh, well, Josh, he's always a surprise. Then again, he always works hard, as well as being hard to work with on occasion. Gaining...
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...their trust (and respect) has been my biggest issue all along, I am so different from both of them, aside from just gender, that it makes it difficult sometimes for us to relate to each other and to communicate clearly. But, I think things are cool now, as far as I'm concerned my motives were fully justified last night, but my methods lacked refinements. There's something about being jolted from a deep sleep to hear strange noises in the woods, that greatly limits one's capacity to think straight. In any case, the rain stopped, it was a breathtakingly beautiful night. We got some great beauty shots today (yes, more!), now I've just got to write the narration to go with them. Maybe use some of the interviews. The image of that little girl putting her hand...
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...over her mother's mouth as she told what she knew of the Blair Witch story still haunts me. Weirdness. Total weirdness.
3:00am
We heard sh!t again. This time they thought it was deer. I think it's because they fear it that they say it definitively is something tangible and earthly. They cannot for a second admit the possibility that it is the Blair Witch. I'm not saying it is. I'm only saying it's possible. I was very calm tonight. So I don't have to go through another day of mending fragile crew egos because I need to get my film shot. They followed anyway. Could it be that they sometimes do listen? I don't know how they can go back to sleep. I don't think they're sleeping actually. I just think they don't want me in their face with...
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...the video camera asking them what they think that was. It was NOT deer. And I find it incredibly hard to believe that rednecks are chasing us through the woods all day for the sheer pleasure of stomping around on all sides of our camp at 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning. Pardon me if that defies logic in my world.
The truth is I don't know what it is. The way is sounds it could be anything. But through deduction, it couldn't just be anything. It's hard for me to be specific and not say it could be her, I think that deep down that is possibly what I think, that's the only explanation as to why I'm not sh!tting my pants out there. What would we do if rednecks shot at us? Suffice it to say, that would be bad. In any case, we're...
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...going back tomorrow. In a way, I would like to stay longer, one more night, to see what happens. But, I'm already going to miss work tomorrow, and the guys would never speak to me again (not that that is a HUGE issue at this point, there are times when I'm not too fond of them myself. Still they are working hard & FREE) Anyway, I started rambling and missed the point, which is, in spite of the fact that I'm not scared specifically of the noises - I would not want to be out here alone. Even periodically antagonistic companionship is better than no companionship at all.
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It is freezing and we are still out here. We're completely facking lost now, we've decided basically to just keep heading south, but it doesn't see to be getting us anywhere fast and weird shit keeps happening which is, to be totally honest, sitting here with gloves and sweaters in a cold tent in the middle of nowhere and the guys asleep - beginning to scare me. I'm hungry. I'm cold. I want to see what we shot. We didn't light a campfire tonight because we wanted to la y low. Not that there's anything left to cook on it anyway. I feel like we are bound to cross a road of something soon, it's not like Maryland has wilds that go on forever or some sh!t. We have got to get out of here. As much as I would like...
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..to know what it is that's following us around. I think we have enough footage - certainly more bizarre sh!t than we anticipated. I just want us all to be home safe. The scarecrows/voodoo dolls whatever they were today, were disturbing. I got them all on both 16 & video plus, I cut one down. I probably shouldn't have, the guys freaked out a bit when I did it, but I want to be able to look at it objectively when we get out of here.
We will laugh about this someday. (Right after we all have a bath, a beer, a big meal, and, well, let's face it, at this point a little nookie wouldn't be bad either) Good night. Please, God, or whatever, get us out of here...
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...tomorrow. The stupidest, smallest, most insignificant noises seem monumental in the woods.
The light of day even made those dolls today seem less threatening than they do now, in retrospect.
If I stop writing, I have to turn my light out and go to sleep. I feel too acute right now to sleep, but there is nothing for me to do. I can't keep shooting because I'll hear shit about having the video light on, and I feel bad about how things have gone thus far (even though not having the map was the ultimate screw). I don't want to piss them off any more than I do just by BEING. So here I ramble in this journal, probably making no sense at all. Scribbling just to have something to do. I have no idea how they can sleep.
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..I feel wired beyond belief. Can you believe Josh wanted to stop today in the middle of the afternoon on a hill to start a fire and flag down a plane. He is UNREAL sometimes. My nose is running and evrytime I wipe it with my gloved hand, I realize how dirty they must be because they stink.
Sh!t, I didn't even mention the piles of rocks (3) around the tent this morning - it feels like ages ago. Who would do such a thing? And what was Mary Brown's story from the Bible about a pile of rocks? I cannot FACKING remember what she said about that because I was freaking out trying to keep the interview to two mags. Maybe we at least have it on the DAT. Something about what it means when the Lord hands you a pile of rocks. I really wish I could remember. I need any insight I can get at...
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...this point. I just need to keep calm. Calm.
Let's just get ourselves and our footage out of the woods safetly. "Out of the woods" isn't that what they say when people are no longer in danger of death after an accident? "Out of the woods." How appropriate. Goodnight, now again, for real. I mean it, really, going to lie down now. No sh!t. I am. No, really.
I am freaking out a little.
Car tomorrow.
Must.
Will.
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Breakdowns. Exhaustion. A giant circle. We hiked 11 hours today in a giant circle. We have no food. Hungry. Despairing. Exhausted. Hating and loving each other extremely and alternately all day long. About to go to sleep now. Sure. After what happened last night. Those children's voices. Fear and exhaustion. Which one will win? I am praying for exhaustion. Whatever comes, comes. We sleep, it wakes us. There doesn't seem to be to much sense in keeping watch except that one of us is always conscious and shitting our pants. It is cold. At least we're dry (From the calves up anyway). Horrible hike through a marsh today. I am evading the subject. I am evading the subject of my fear. I am trying desperately to hold my sh!t together...
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...while Josh and Mike fall apart. As long as I keep shooting, I feel like all of this has a purpose. Maybe not at the moment, but eventually. Shooting is the only way to make this situation good for something as soon as we get out of here.
We will get out of here.
I still can't figure out how we hiked in a circle today. I had the compass out all day. All 3 of us checked it every 5 minutes. We were going SOUTH all day. How are we going to get out of here if we keep hiking in circles? What is plan B? Plan B. I stitched as much as I could of Mike's crotch hole tonight (That sounds bad, eh?). I am on my last pair of dry socks. I am hungry. I have been wearing the same panties since we left. When as I supposed to change them? When do I have 2 seconds to...
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...myself when I'm not following or chasing someone? I want to go home. there must be people looking for us. At the very least people would be wondering what happened to the borrowed equipment. Should we wait for them to find us? Which berries are edible and which are poisonous? Will having a campfire draw the attention of whatever, whoever is following us - or will it help people looking for us (to help us) find us. Either way it makes us obvious. Is that what we want? I don't know - I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
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Josh is gone. It is Mike and I now. Alone. I question why I continue to film. It seems sick almost. Who will see this footage? Will I? Still have plenty of battery power. I have been carrying it on my back for a week now, so I might as well use it. Also carrying the CP. 20 extra pounds on my ill-fed back.
I am scared. I don't know what is after us. I just know I don't want to be in an unmarked grave beneath a pile of rocks. I don't want to be a grownup Eileen Treacle. It is so dark and so quiet that the smallest squirrel makes monumental sounds. I can feel myself breaking down in spite of my best efforts. Fear, hunger and cold are taking their toll. Where is Josh? Maybe he ran off for help like Mike says, but why did he leave all his stuff in the middle of the freezing night. And why was it his...
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...stuff we found scattered outside the tent covered in that sh!t. There is not time to sort anything out in my head. I should have never cut down that doll from the tree. I think I did it to prove to the guys that I wasn't scared. I don't even think I could process the fact that I was seeing what I was seeing. My mind is so fully in documentarian mode that I have failed to fully, deeply register fear until Josh disappeared this morning. I was scared about being lost, but I never really thought that our lives would be in danger. I've shot a bit on the CP so far. I think I can handle it. Whatever is chasing us has to be documented. I am in a situation now where I have no choice. If something is going to harm me that I can't stab or kill and if I am defenseless in the face of it, the least I...
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...can do is capture it so that people will know it is real. There is no feasible way for 3 people to walk south for an entire day and end up where they started. Something is as work here and it terrifies me. I could cry. I have cried. Crying will not save my life. This is an excruciatingly bad dream. Which will end. It has to. Josh could have found help by now and they could all be on their way to us.
Again, the issue - do we hide, or do we make ourselves as obvious as possible. For the moment, we're hiding. I am in the tent, and I am scared to take my boots off because I want to move fast. I want to stay awake to keep watch, but my body is overwhelming me. My senses are hyperacute to the point of hallucination. My mag lite died (I'm using Mike's now) and I am sure it is some evil thing at work. How could I not. How can you hear...
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..children laughing in the woods in the dead of one night, wake to find your friend gone the next, and on the third, when your mag light dies - you're supposed to think [it I] not happened? I'm sure I will feel better tomorrow. Okay, rephrase that. I WANT to feel better tomorrow. Why can I not remember what you can eat and what you can't in the woods? Why does everything look the same but nothing is the same? Why am I crying again? Some animal is making it's animal sound in the woods right now and I can't stop thinking of those children we heard. I am writing. I am writing. I am writing. I am okay. If I were a pizza I would be topped with black olives, onions, pepperoni, mushrooms, and extra cheese. I miss Greg. I miss him so much. I miss warmth and touching and snuggling and...
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...clean underwear. I am laughing now. Good. Laughing is good. It was the clean underwear thing. It was the very thought of my underwear that made me laugh. I am hearing things and they are all in my imagination. Branches break all the time. Naturally. If a tree falls in the middle of the forest and no one is there to hear it it doesn't make a sound. It is only because I am here that there are sounds. Okay. Okay. Okay. Mike and I are okay. All limbs, bones and eyes in order. I am going to lay down now. Documents. Documenting. Documentation. Verifying existence. That makes sense right. I am verifying that I am still here.
12:30 am -
Everytime we fall asleep is...
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...when something bad happens. We heard Josh. It sounded so much like Josh. We want to hear him so badly, but not like that. He was screaming like someone was hurting him. Maybe it's all in our minds. I can write and I won't fall asleep. I thought we should just keep running the cameras, but we don't have as much battery power as we used to. We still have a lot left, but we had a lot of food at one point, too. The rumble in both our bellies is loud. If I stay awake, Mike and I are safe. He is sleeping again and I'm using his mag light. Maybe he's just pretending to be asleep, but either way I'm not going to deny him his peace. For now company would be good. My mom and dad would be good. Writing is good, but I don't know what to write. Hunger is a...
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...powerful thing. It's hard to keep your sh!t together when your belly is screaming. How do I document what is happening so people know..how many shots of trees in the dark can one person have? So much of it is sounds, but Mike never will bring the DAT outside the tent and I am beyond the point of asking.
I can feel myself sinking today.
Hoping someone will pull me back up so I can float again. I cannot fall asleep. Cannot. Cannot. Cannot. Even though my body is weak my will can still be strong. It has to be. I am an ache from the inside out.
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I am losing hope. Actually, I may have lost it. I didn't think it was possible to be where I am at. Staring. Waiting. I have nothing left to say. Tape Tape Film Film Film. We are being stalked and whatever is stalking us will at least be documented. Please God, let someone find our tapes. Please. To all the people I love, and you know who you are I love you. Simply that. I love you with all my heart and more. If something bad happens to me I will always find you and look out for you and help in anyway I can as I sincerely tried to do in my life. To Josh & Mike's parents - I am sorry. I am sorry for what happened to your sons and to my beautiful babycakes - I will love no matter where I am. I lack the strength to hold the pen. Hey, those last two lines rhyme. Why even [noe] that really, its obvious, but anything...
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...that brings humor is welcome especially now. I want to laugh. I want to laugh.
I want to laugh.
(end of journal)