I got a boyfriend

I got a boyfriend.

He confessed to me while walking home from a dinner party, celebrating some thing that happened. I don't remember what.

My feet hurt from being in high heels all day, and I felt like a really bad potato stuffed in a pretty dress that didn't look good on me.

He wanted to go to a flower shop to get flowers for someone. I assumed it was his mother. Watching him panic about the flower shop being closed was very entertaining, and I briefly forgot what my pain felt like.

He then presented me with flowers when I was about halfway home.

I didn't know what to do at the time, so I asked for an extension on explaining my feelings,

When the extension ended, I told him yes, and his eyes lit up like there was no tomorrow worth living without today. 

I feel as though I shouldn't have said yes.

I got a boyfriend.

I think he is really cute.

The way he pouts, laughs, enjoys life.

The way he shines like a beacon in this world, helping people around him in a unique way that I couldn't pull off.

He does things that I would never do, enjoys life in a way I never can, and I enjoy watching him enjoy life.

What he isn't good at, he tries his best. What he is good at, he strives to become even better at what he does.

He is very cute.

I got a boyfriend.

We went out the other day.

He very shyly presented me with a pair of earrings in my favourite color.

He's not very subtle.

I knew there was a present in his bag with the way he carefully made sure the things in there were kept carefully.

He then surprised me with a kiss on the cheek.

I didn't know what to do.

Then, after walking for a while more, I kissed him back on the lips.

I don't know why I did that.

I wore those earrings for a day, before realising that the metal was irritating my ears, and a piece fell off the petals of the earrings.

It looked like a bite had been taken out of the petal.

Kind of like how he nibbled on my heart.

I stopped wearing those earrings after that.

I got a boyfriend.

He has a lot of hobbies, and is very unlike me.

The things he likes to do, he does.

The things he doesn't like to do, he doesn't.

He enjoys his work, enjoys his hobbies, hates what he hates, loves what he loves.

He loves me, I think.

He makes me like me a little more.

I got a boyfriend.

He is not very subtle. With every step he takes, I can tell what his mood is like.

When he wants water, when he wants kisses, when he wants hugs.

When he wants me to initiate something for once in my life.

I've never initiated something in my life.

School wasn't my choice, hobbies weren't my choice, personality wasn't my choice.

I don't dare initiate something I don't know how to initiate.

I don't dare initiate something when I don't know how to initiate.

I let him do all the work.

I got a boyfriend.

He told me about his family.

He has a nice family with parents who love each other.

Sometimes, I wonder what that is like.

What life is like with parents who aren't as cold as ice, who have never enjoyed their lives, a mother who hasn't threated suicide on her 5 year old daughter, a father who comes home to see his daughter awake.

A family who love each other, who spend time with each other outside a superficial, relationship where you know that you wouldn't ever like the other person if you weren't stuck in a blood relationship with them.

Sometimes, I wonder how it feels like to be happy.

I got a boyfriend.

His friends think he is with me to fix me.

I think he's with me to fix me.

He thinks he's with me to fix me.

This is the only thing I really agree with.

I think I'm ok if he tries to fix me.

Though I'm pretty sure I'm not 'broken'.

I got a boyfriend.

He was sad that I wasn't initiating anything.

Later, I went back home and gave him my location, texted him every hour every minute every second he wants.

Gave him my life story, gave him everything he wanted.

If he wants me to initiate, then I'll initiate.

I've never done that in my life.

It feels weird.

I got a boyfriend.

He is sad right now.

He doesn't feel like he should be trying to fix me.

I don't think he should be trying to fix me.

I am ok, after all. I would rather he focused on himself instead.

He doesn't cry.

I feel like he should cry.

Then, I would understand what I should do in this situation.

I got a boyfriend.

I don't want him to feel restricted by my existence.

I want him to be able to enjoy going out with friends without me looming over his shoulder, want him to be able to appreciate pretty girls without me getting jealous.

I want him to enjoy life next to my side.

I don't want to be that controlling girlfriend who wants to know everything about a person, though I am that controlling girlfriend who wants to know everything about a person.

I think there is something wrong with me. I know there is something wrong with me.

I don't want him to know there's something wrong with me.

He knows there is something wrong with me.

I got a boyfriend.

Having a boyfriend is hard.

I've never had to pay attention to somebody else in my life, besides necessary.

This is the only time in my life that I've had to talk to somebody for so long.

This is tiring. I am tired.

I don't tell him I'm tired.

I got a boyfriend.

He noticed my new arm sleeve. I showed him what was under the arm sleeve.

He doesn't like what he sees under the arm sleeve.

I refuse to comment on why.

It's easier this way.

He is concerned for me.

I'm not concerned for me.

Later, he keeps running his hand across my arm.

It's too warm.

I feel weird.

I shouldn't have made it so obvious this time.

I shouldn't have a boyfriend.

I got a boyfriend.

It's been a while now.

I thought he would leave by now.

The honeymoon period has gone by, and we're left confronting our own issues through careful stepping and scooting around problems with the agility of a rat.

I am left confronting my own issues through careful stepping and scooting around problems with the agility of a rat.

He has always been honest with me. There's no need for him to rat around.

I haven't been honest with him.

This is a conflict I never thought I would have to go through.

I got a boyfriend.

My friend tells me I am not a good girlfriend.

He tells me that a good girlfriend would share her emotions with her boyfriend, so that they can walk forwards hand in hand, instead of him continuously pushing my tired soul forwards.

I tell him that he isn't a good boyfriend.

He cheated on multiple of his girlfriends.

I shouldn't trust his opinion.

He gives me the middle finger.

He also tells me that if I continue on this path, I'm heading down a path of destruction.

That eventually, I'll fall under the weight of my own problems, and push everybody I love away.

I wonder whether that includes my boyfriend.

I got a boyfriend.

I don't remember our anniversary.

He does.

We go out and eat somewhere nice.

The food is ok, but I pretend it tastes nicer than it actually does to make him happy.

He is very cute.

We spent the time talking.

I finally decide what I am going to do.

I don't have a boyfriend.

I stare out of the random window I found.

It's better this way.

He will find somebody better, somebody who can actually talk to him and fall in love with him properly.

Somebody who is as good to him as he is good to them.

Somebody who isn't covered in scars, who understands what it feels like to love properly, who doesn't have as many worries, who is able to properly support him without it being all just a very pretty façade built on the minimum understanding needed about how romance works.

Somebody who doesn't need fixing.

I don't have a boyfriend.

Really, at the end of the day, that is all there is to it.

The speed of time slows down as I let myself fall into a deep sleep.

This time, hopefully, I never wake up again.

I don't have a boyfriend.