Deep Thoughts

It rained again. The thunder shook the room as the water droplets rang in my room. After a while, the tv turned off. I don't remember when. So the only sound playing is her soft, gentle snore and the rain. The snore itself was adorable, like a rabbit soundly heading to sleep. A safe, sound one where you can only reach when you feel comfortable. I wonder what she's dreaming of, what's on her mind? I thought of that, and it dragged me throughout the night until the rain hit. I feel weak to sounds. I feel as if I can quickly get a sensory overload if the sounds are low and constant. It angers me and fills me with that overwhelming gust of vexation. That feeling expands further, and I feel the need to silence it. The demons take hold and use this sound annoyance to throw me into that rage. Like a barbarian in lust, I blackout, and I cannot control myself most of the time. I had one recent, very recent like a dreamer stuck in dreamland. I lost myself that day. Whoever that strange shadow figure was, I understood it held power. The power to quickly control me to effortlessly take over my mind and forces me to do terrible things. Not that I don't already, but I don't know its plans. I don't want that feeling again. Yet I feel it coming as the rain grows slow again. A constant ringing plays in my head as I feel a headache coming on. K'Layah lays on me safely in my arms. I look to her for help, but she doesn't wake up. The thunder strikes, and the flash from the light are all that remains. It's blinding, and I seemingly blackout. I reach underneath my couch, reaching for the blade that hides under there. I take it; it feels like a blade that hangs low—the grip is all brown, with deep screws going through the side. The hilt has a small guard that reaches outward into the horizon. The blade is curved, sharp, tilting to the left. It made for quick cuts against the skin. Nothing good for armor, a relic from the past that I got from the internet. I grip it aggressively as I do this; I must be quick before she wakes up. The blade touches her skin, and she coos. Still sleeping, her last memories will be good ones. I take the tip of the blade and pierce her skin. She grunts in her sleep and shifts her body position. I yank my arm back as my face turns sour. I sink the blade deep in her chest. She screams, and it startles me. After hearing her, I cover her mouth with my other hand. I begin repeatedly stabbing her over and lose myself in the process. I must have a terrific smile on my face, one of demonic energy. For anyone who could kill their lover has to be a demon in disguise. I begin to laugh as I fight against her. The meaning behind killing someone you care so much for can only be seen by those who worship. It's heavenly, close to God to be able to do such a thing. I take praise from the lord for this murder. My first actual murder is the only person I'd ever love. Slowly her scratches become weaker; Slowly, her screams get quieter. Until she sits still motionless, I take her in my arms, and tears fall down my face. I have her body in my arms, still warm to the touch. I caress her face moving her bangs from view. I can fully see her beauty now. I touch her face, my dirty hands sulling her goddess charm. The blood gushing from her stomach splatters all over me. My hand slides down around her throat. I embrace this moment, for it's the only chance I might have. I choke her slowly, erotic in a way. I never had nor got the chance to do this to a live woman. Let this be my practice. I take different forms and different clutches. I take different positions with this, and it gradually flares me. The flame inside rises, and I take advantage of this body. Don't judge me, you see; even a god can be deflowered. When I finish, I grab a body bag and stuff her in it. She's so light so small; it's easy to configure her body to fit. I drag it outside and drive to the nearest nutrition store. The body leans in the backseat and falls and rolls over. It doesn't smell at all. I feel in tune with her starting a conversation with her. I feel her presence with me.

"We could've been so much more. We could've been killers in the wind, lovers like Bonnie and Clyde. Partners in crime that are unstoppable compared to everyone else. The only thing I needed from you was to be like me to be a snake in disguise, but all I saw was a helpless little girl that needed to be protected. I can't have a liability like that. What if they find out who I was? What if they came for you? I can't protect you forever, let alone if we had a child. DEAR GOD, WHAT IF WE HAD A FAMILY! I can't protect two people at once. So I chose to be the bad guy, not because I hate you or anything negative it's just someone was going to be. So I'll take the blame; I'll take the antagonist role. If it glorifies you as the hero, I'll be the most complex villain alive."

I begin to swerve as tears fall from my face in a rush of emotions.

"The Deadman can't have any relationship. He can't form any bonds that deter him from being who he is. What would the world think if they found out I was some happy camper with a wonderful girlfriend—a guy with a wife and kids. I need to fit my image and separate who the deadman is. I want my personal life and my public image to be incompatible. You being alive prevents that. You would be the bridge that binds them as one person, the missing link I never wanted to find.

.. Love."

That word lingers in the air as I stop the car. A loud honk comes from behind me, and a jolt forward sends me into the steering wheel. I remain there motionless as the victim exits his vehicle with foul words. He's coming closer to my car step by step, shaking the ground. Infinity binds to his actions. He knocks on my window. Blood trickles down my skull as I turn to him. His voice numbed me to all the pains of loss and the scraps from the accident. Nothing stands out in his words. Horrible words that no child should hear. I open my door and fall towards him. He dodges my fall, and I land on the ground—needles of glass stab into my chest as I land. He asks me if I'm alright and flips me on my back. The blood from K'Layah alarms him into thinking he's killed me. He panics and begins ripping my shirt. As he continues, I wield the knife in my hands, waiting for my chance to strike. As the last button from my shirt is loose, I ferociously jab him in the neck. He falls downward, and I lay there bloodied from this day. I rest I've failed myself wholeheartedly. The police will arrive and take me away, along with finding K'Layah's body. The body of this stranger will add to my accounts of murders. They'll search my house and see who I am. The Deadman will be arrested. The other people in the car, along with the stranger, exit and walks toward me. It's a female who gazed upon her significant other dying on the ground. She screeches loudly and rushes to the car. She comes back with a gun and points it at me. The barrel of the weapon grazes my chin.

"Why shouldn't I?"

I have no answer. If I were her, I'd do it with no hesitation. I'd blow her head sky-high if she killed my K'Layah. I'd mangle her corpse and make an example out of her. She's shaking tears falling on me. I look down at her. She isn't his wife. It's his daughter. Her expression is full of sorrow. Sadness and perhaps hatred fueled by rage, all of these feelings must be within her now. Unfortunately, she can't pull the trigger. She's no soldier or warrior. She's a child. I finally speak.

"I am dead already."

Her shaking stops, and she pulls the gun from my face. Her cries got louder, and she cradled her father. I stretch out, looking back at the passenger side of my car. The door opens, and out comes K'Layah, who jumps in my lap.

"This was fun, but it's time to wake up!"

I jolt forward out of my sleep. I'm back on my couch while the smell of breakfast fills my nostrils. K'Layah stands moving to the rhythm of the music in her wireless earplugs. She's wearing her bra and my shorts. She looks fantastic as she removes those eggs from that pan. I lean on the couch in awe as she motherly makes two plates and looks toward me. She looks shocked to see me awake so early. Her facial expressions change from shock to stubborn look.

"I wanted it to be a surprise."

I run over to her and take my plate.

"Then don't cook such fantastic food next time."

I say, walking towards my table. We share glances at each other as we eat. she seems like she wants to ask me something, but she's too embarrassed to speak up. She keeps shifting in place while she eats.

"Something on your mind?" I ask

"You moved a lot in your sleep. May I ask what you were dreaming about?"

K'Layah's face turns red as she looks into her food as if it could talk back.

"It was about you," I say, smiling and continuing eating.

She blushes hard, and the rest of breakfast is silent. It seems I've won this fight for this morning. I look at the clock. It's time for me to go to work soon.

"This was nice, but I'm off to work. What shall you do?" I ask

She looks sad after I ask that question. She clicks the fork on her plate and puffs up her face.

"I thought I'd stay here until you return."

Her face looked up at me for a second, then returned to her plate. I grab my keys and get ready to get dressed. After I come back, I see her on the couch watching cartoons again.

"Fine, but when I return, I expect food," I demand

I want to see how far I can take this, and she scoffs, accepting my demand and returning to her show. I feel uneasy as I twist the door handle. She runs up to me, and fear strikes me as I turn around. She leaps into my arms and kisses me, then runs away. I had no reason to fear. As she runs off, I steady my breathing. Why would I be afraid of love? I have nothing to fear; I say to myself as I open the door. Off I go with a new tie to my hip. Her name is K'Layah.