Random Past Thoughts

Am I not enough?

You could tell me what's wrong yet it hurts when you left me without saying goodbye and condemned me as I'm at fault forbye.

Does it feel good when you bullied others?

I thought we were friends. Yet, I am still being nice to you albeit you're just using me. How did I know? By the way you treated me. I won't argue with you even though mum said to fight back. I'm still gonna choose peace over violence(Sorry, mum). I thought you'll treat me nicely one day but no. You treated me the same after years. I wonder if I did anything that made you behave towards me this way.

Why do some people always use innocent people for fun?

Yeah, an easy target for you to do anything that you want. Do you know the consequences of what you did? Some will be smiling outside but utterly miserable inside and obviously, they want to live their life to the fullest but you... you destroy it in a flash of light.

Why do you accuse people when you literally got no proof?

You simply point your fingers towards me to the point where I can't defend myself when others believe you more than I do while turning my head down because I don't have the energy to fight when nobody believes me. I cried inside and felt so bad. Like a dud. Am I?

Why are you so weak, dear self?

You know that feeling... when you can't talk to anybody easily although you feel the urge to let it all out but can't? Yeah, bottled up everything then waits until it fades out somehow became habits till I have grown up. I told them that I trusted and believed they could help me ease my worry and uneasiness. But sadly, they said it rudely. Harsh. Saying that the others did better than me and I'm nothing compared to them. The toxic trait mentally killed me. They don't care how bad their words affected me. It turned me into a fragile loser and completely dead-loss little by little. Till I can't stop weeping. In extensive ache.

Why is it so hard for me to initiate a conversation?

Like my mouth glued whenever I'm around strangers and rather wandering than starting a conversation. Afraid that I might be saying things I shouldn't and don't know how to make it longer. End up stuttering and voice became low. It then turned into a whisper. Abruptly quiet. And they would find me a weirdo and soon... left me.

Is he or she still mad at me?

Cared too much about others but myself. Others feeling but yourself. They are precious but me. Can't help it as I made mistakes. Yet they didn't mind but still, I do.

Why am I a coward?

Some people are as a matter of fact were hard for me to greet them. Not because they're intimidating but nothing came out when I approached them. Sudden befuddled doesn't help either and eventually, they kept distant from me. Again.

Why I can't be like the others?

What a coward. What a moronic. Such a slow and dull dumb. Words that had been thrown at me without a doubt. Yet I try to be friendly even it's difficult.

Why am I trying so hard even though they treated me like sh*t?

You stole the love that I saved for myself

And I watched you give it to somebody else

(Little Mix - Good enough)

Why aren't you fighting back, girl?

They threatened me if I told anyone what nasty things they had done, I'll be doomed. Then, they poke fun at me for being lonely and got no friends. It tortured my mind as their words were as sharp as a knife and I've nobody by my side to support me and still, help me in my worst. Nobody.

Why do people like to compare(Am I that bad)?

I tried to raise my voice

Get clouded by the noise

Tripped up more than twice

Those fools taught me right

I bared my naked soul

All on my painful flaws

Wish I could open up

Take in the love

(Insecurities - Jess Glynne)

Why it's hard for you to understand?

I missed you so much. I never hated you one single bit since the day I've known you because I know eventually, you'll understand why I'm like this distant from people, like being alone and don't talk much some days. I believed that day will come slowly but surely as it takes time. But, that day never came as I had awaited it with stoicism every time when I'm with you.

Do you ever think of me as a friend, friend?

I just wanna talk about everything with somebody that means something to me. A close relationship that I never had with anybody other than family. You know how it feels, right? I don't have to hold what I felt inside and times where I struggled that I don't comprehend at times. At least one, I will really appreciate that. To share. To pay heed. Yet what's the point of communication when I don't have anyone by my side?

Can I run away to somewhere peaceful?

Where nobody will judge you for whatever you wanna do or where the people don't even poke one's nose into others matters? You don't even know what I felt inside. The moment I became stronger also the moment people brought me down as if my effort was futile all this time.

Why am I being so d*mn useless?

I got scolded when I made little mistakes and that high pitch scream was a whole nightmare when no one saw or heard it. Nobody would believe me if I said it. Hence, it triggered me that everyone will get mad at me for petty matters.

Why do you let others talk bad about you, yourself?

I acted like I'm strong and showed that it didn't hurt me but deep inside, it gave me palpitation and hyperventilating simultaneously when I was alone in the dark. The pain shot through my heart and it stings every time they linger on my mind all of a sudden even though just for a second.

Am I too easy?

Am personable as it's what my parents disciplined me be that as it may aching, smarting and throbbing. Much worst when you thought of me like a stranger and served me as a servant. Is it tough to appreciate and treat people politely?

Why do you have to be bad when you can be nice?

I understood you have to mask your emotions so anyone won't step on you and I believe not all people like that. Yet one day, you were being insolent towards me. I did what you told me in order for me to be close to you even you pushed me away mercilessly. I believe you had your own reason still what you did wound me. Instead of being mad at you, I'll be there for you, still when nobody else will.

Why are you so stupid, girl?

He and she demanded me to do it thus I did it without asking many questions so that we can stay alongside being close-knit classmates for a long time. But eventually, they cast me away like an outsider. I'm willing to do it because of husnuzon, good deeds and rewards from Allah. Also, don't wanna make things hard as I'm a frail chicken tiny kid that tries to compose not to whimper or even shed tears when I know they'll make fun of me for sure if I do.

_______________________________________________________________

But that's all in the past and it made me who I am now albeit these people once being the closest to me and some still attempted to get hold of me until now for I don't know whatever reasons they have. Yet, the smarting was still there. Not easy to throw it away. Always running in the psyche occasionally. Without me needing it.

Every week it gets worse,

Worst and yet it could go on for years,

Years of pain memories will eventually fade away,

Away from it and I thought time would heal everything,

Everything that caused me to grieve and it playing me up,

Up till then hoping that pain will go away.

But

I was wrong

Not all the pain go away as I wish

Some will always be lingering inside

Whether to make you devastated or delicate

Or made you whoever you are now

The feisty and strong-minded one

You choose

Your choice