BERLIN

CW: for alcohol and unstable emotional issues.

With his body filled with excitement, Alex headed to Rai's place, feeling like floating on a cloud. He couldn't recognize what was feeling, besides enormous happiness with a touch of stomach butterflies.

Amazed by the possibility, he wondered what would happen if they got back together with his ex-girlfriend. He went through what happened with Connie a couple of times in his mind to be sure. Was it just a friendly chat, or were they flirting too? Shaking his head, he thanked the fact that he was going to Rai's because he could ask her and prevent him from following his impulses.

Alex loved that he had his own money and could buy anything he wanted without asking. It felt nice to be independent. He stopped by the store to buy a six-pack of beer, chips, and tobacco.

He stood there for a couple of minutes, figuring out what to do. He rang the bell and knocked on the door a couple of times, but Rai didn't answer. He tried to text and call her with no luck. Alex felt anxious, thinking he should've called her first. Maybe she went out or fell asleep. Some of Rai's neighbors exited their apartment and looked at him suspiciously since he was just standing there. This made Alex more anxious, so he tried knocking louder this time.

'Rai? Rai!'

He put his ear on the door to listen if there was any sign of life inside. Alex couldn't make something from the noises, so he decided to insist on the knocking; hopefully, none of the neighbors had called the police. He had his head smashed into the door when Rai finally opened, making him lose his balance. Once incorporated, he looked up and saw his best friend standing there.

'Hi.'

Alex looked at his friend and blinked a couple of times, not knowing how to react.

Rai had shaved her whole head. There was still enough hair, so the scalp wouldn't show. Alex smiled and lifted the bag from the store.

'Right back at you.'

She invited him in and closed the door behind him. The bags under her eyes were notorious, and she looked skinny. She smiled with a mix of embarrassment and gratitude. While inside, Alex's excitement dissipated. He had a lot of questions arising inside his head as he looked around the place.

There were a lot of delivery boxes and paper bags stored. He felt the urge to speak to his friend.

Alex's bubble from his chest had dried. He went inside the apartment, a whole bunch of new questions arising inside his head. He suddenly felt like he had to do something and it had to be fast. He was abruptly in what he thought was a situation where he was called for... help.

Alex swallowed inaudibly and he went to the already known kitchen to drop the bought stuff.

The kitchen was a mess. The sink wasn't just full of the dirty dishes that could've been a week there, the counters also were filled with empty bags of instant noodles and cans of soda and energetic drinks. Alex said nothing. He washed his hands in the sink, quickly thinking about what could have happened and what he was going to do to help.

But what could make Rai change so much in so little time? Well, maybe three months was a long time. But he never noticed something was going on. He should have.

"you're a bad friend" Alex scolded himself inside his head.

What happened? Was it Rai's boyfriend? Did he do something? that shitty piece of...

'Wanna go drink those in my bedroom?' asked Rai from the kitchen's door frame. He scanned his friend up and down, took the sixpack, and followed her. Rai dragged her feet to her room, silent. As they walked through the hallway, he noticed the living room was messy with dishes, blankets, clothes, and the tv was on. Something that caught Alex's attention was various wine spots, especially a huge one splashed on the wall.

Rai just kept walking, looking at the floor, and Alex followed. Her bedroom was pretty aesthetic, as the room was filled with plants, various pieces of art glued to her walls, a lot of decorating and Christmas lights, and different antiques. But Alex could barely recognize it. The room had all blinds completely shut, clothes were everywhere, bedsheets were curled and stocked up on the floor, and the mattress had no covers. There were empty glasses and bags of food lying around and various disturbing spots and stains everywhere. Even though the place looked like a trash island, she had managed to conserve a pleasant sweet-rose-like smell around the house.

Alex had decided to let her speak and respect whatever she was trying to hide.

Still, he couldn't stay silent a second longer after seeing her surroundings.

'Okay... so... like... what the fuck?' Alex exclaimed, genuinely worried.

Rai sat on the floor and hugged her legs to her chest. She was avoiding eye contact with her friend.

'Sorry for- for the mess,' she mumbled

Alex shook his head and sat beside her with his legs crossed.

'Stop that. Were you like… raided? Did they find all the drugs!?' He joked, breaking the ice and trying to make it a safe space for her to speak.

It worked a little bit. Rai let out a weak chuckle that dissipated fastly and was transformed into a soft smile and teary eyes.

'C-can you give me that beer?' she asked with a trembling and low voice.

Alex handed her a cold can, which she pressed against her cheek for a few seconds and then opened it. Alex wondered if alcohol was the right thing for that moment, but also, he was there to take care of her, so he would do whatever was necessary.

He took a sip of his can and waited for Rai to say something. Alex stared at her, determined to know what had happened. Rai took a quick peek at him and then drank from the can.

Tears started to flow through her cheeks and she quickly began to crumble. Alex's heart is paralyzed. He didn't know what to do as he had never been in such a situation. He just did what his mom did when he was a child and was crying uncontrollably - he hugged her and whispered that everything would be okay. He was now with her.

They spent a couple of minutes in that position until Rai calmed down. Alex swallowed, not knowing if he was helping or not. Rai incorporated and dried all the wetness of her face.

'I'm sorry she said, letting a few more tears drop, which she dried with her sleeves fast. 'I'm sorry. I'm fine, I'm fine.'

Alex scoffed and let out a short chuckle. She laughed too in between her tears that were still falling down her face. Rai took a big breath and seemed calmer.

'Rai... I need to know what happened. Where are your parents?'

Alex noticed how her hands trembled when she grabbed the can, so he decided to take one of them.

Rai squeezed Alex's hand and pressed her eyes in pain.

'Remember I told you my dad was overseas for work?' she whispered with a melancholic tone.

Alex nodded. The last thing he knew was that the party that she threw a while back was because her parents were away. Rai sniffled a couple of times and added:

'He told my mom and me that he was leaving and he wasn't coming back... three months ago. M-my mom then couldn't take it' she started to weep again, 'she started to drink a lot... and we... we started to have a lot of fights'. H-he told my mom and me three months ago that he is never coming back" she revealed, pain in each word "he's got a new family and everything"

Alex was speechless. He looked at Rai as she hugged her legs and cried onto her knees, leaving wet stains on her joggers from the tears.

'I didn't tell anyone, and I had to take care of her for like six weeks straight. But... I couldn't. I failed. I couldn't take care of her, and she needed me. But I couldn't help avoiding her and started to spend more time out.'

'Where is she now?'

'My grandparents took her to rehab like a month ago.'

'So, you've been living alone here since then?'

Rai nodded slightly. Her eyes looked sparkly again. Alex slid his arm and wrapped it around her. He took a deep breath and cautiously asked:

'What about Nick?'

Rai's whole body tensed up, and her eyes went dead. Her complete semblance changed. This alarmed Alex, and he started to panic as if maybe he shouldn't have asked about him.

'I...'. Rai started saying but then couldn't continue. She pinched in between her eyebrows with her fingers and tried to take deep breaths. 'Fuck...', Rai couldn't say straight words. Suddenly she started to gasp for air as the room went completely out of oxygen, and she firmly grabbed her hoodie, the part of where her heart would be, and tried to manage her breathing unsuccessfully. The other hand of her went to the floor for support and in the way she pushed the can of beer, pouring into the carpet.

Alex was fully paralyzed in terror. He felt so useless as he didn't know what to attend - the beer or Rai. His heart was pounding hard in panic. When his friend leaned to him and put her head on his chest, the answer was obvious. Rai needed someone to be there for her.

After a couple of minutes, she calmed again and spoke with a low and delicate tone from his chest:

'Nick left... um... He said he was doing some post-grad classes, studying, or just traveling with friends or his family,' Rai took a deep breath. 'and... uh... well... a girl contacted me. She asked me if I was his-his ex. When I said no, she immediately broke and started crying. Turns out she... she... she's like six months pregnant.'

Alex's whole body felt like it stopped functioning for a moment. He could feel anger starting to flow inside him but decided to stay calm for Rai.

'He's the dad. And they're engaged." Rai made a pause and barely moved.

Alex shut his eyes and frowned hard. He felt furious. He was trying to contain the urge to stand up and destroy Nick's face. He started to clench his fist really tight until they began to shake.

Rai took another deep breath and let out a louder cry:

'You wouldn't believe everything I let him do with me. You wouldn't believe how patient I was for things to get better. I thought it'd get better, and I thought everything was normal - that every couple went through it. But with that call... that was literally a wake-up call. Everything fits like a puzzle now. He only took advantage of me, Alex. All he ever wanted was to have someone to love him and to use whenever he pleased.'

Alex closed his eyes again, but this time to avoid crying. He was beyond overwhelmed. A knot had formed on Alex's throat, and it was so tight it hurt to swallow. He could feel her pain and understand it.

Rai started to sob again. She blurted all out and cried:

'I can't take it anymore! I'm not strong enough for this. I'm not good enough. I'm just shit. I was cheated and treated like complete shit by someone I loved with all my heart. And it turns out that even people who love you can discard you like if you were just dog shit.'

'That's not true...' he whispered but realized that she wasn't listening. She was getting it all out, and maybe for the first time after a long time.

Alex comforted Rai until she fell asleep. He had his heart on his hand and felt devastated. He had never experienced such a dense moment and had to deal with someone being so vulnerable and frail. Rai's entire image changed for Alex, as he realized she was a precious person and felt compassion towards her completely. He understood her to the core. After all the bullying, Connie's cheating, and Mitsu, he knew what it felt like everything she said. He felt exactly that for so long. Until he had friends - like her, like Anne and even Mitsu. He had forgotten the people he cared about had issues and lives too and that he should be there for them just like they're for him.

While Rai was sound asleep, Alex cleaned the place and took all the trash out. He picked up the clothes and took them to the laundry room. He picked up and washed all the dishes and glasses that he could find. Finally, he decided to organize some of Rai's things in her room, so she would wake up in a cozy place. He didn't care. It was late so he texted his parents that he was just around the corner. After a while, the place looked pretty decent. And it still smelled like a sweet-rose-like something.

*A couple of hours later, Rai woke up, rested, and caught Alex sleeping by the edge. She sat up and looked around at the tidied room. Her heart was overwhelmed, and she nearly started to cry again because of Alex's affection. She noticed he had fallen asleep on the floor next to her bed. Silly Alex, always afraid he was going to inopportune. She threw herself on top of him, forming a cross with their bodies, waking him up and startling him.

"Thank you", she said while hiding her face.

Alex yawned and rubbed one of his eyes, sleepy.

'You're welcome,' he said with a muffled voice since Rai was squashing his torso and couldn't breathe.

'I like your hair,' she said in the same position. 'The blacks roots were a pleasant surprise.'

'Rai...'

'Okay, okay,'

She incorporated and sat beside him.

'Thanks,' Alex responded, standing up. 'For that and for the hair. I like yours too.'

'Ah, fuck' she covered her shaved head with her hands. 'I went a little crazy, didn't I?'

'It suits you.'

Rai chuckled, and Alex smiled, relieved. That was the familiar laugh of the usual Rai.

'Holy guacamole!' Rai exclaimed. 'When did I become Juliette!?'

'Holy guacamole?'

'Shut up. I'm bald!'

'Wait, who did you turn to?'

'Juliette!'

'Who the fuck is Juliette?'

'You know her! The annoying girl with the shaved head that's always complaining.'

'Uh...'

'Seriously, your memory! The girl who flirted with Mitsu...'

'Oh.'

Alex's gut dropped, and he felt how the blood on his face was gone. He hadn't thought about Mitsu for so long, and still, it stung when someone mentioned him.

'You saw that?' Alex asked with a raspy voice.

'Please...' she rolled her eyes. 'I saw how much it had bothered you. We totally hate her.' Alex laughed, confused and also amused that he had allies. He gestured to indicate he had been caught, so Rai continued: 'What happened between you two, anyway?'

Alex looked down with half a smile and shrugged.

'Nothing happened.'

When Alex left, he assured Rai that he would visit her the next day, before work and after class. He told her that he'd spend the rest of the summer with her and help with anything she needed. She thanked her with a warm hug and gave him a copy of the keys to the apartment. Alex, baffled, asked her why she was giving them to him.

'You know, in case I don't answer again.'

Alex accepted them thankfully and headed home. He lay on his bed and thought about the intense day he had. While stroking Shaggy's head, he realized he wouldn't be able to do anything about Connie after he saw Rai. She needed someone, and he was going to be there for her.

The next day, Alex knocked on Rai's door and rang the bell a couple of times. Just as she had warned, she didn't open. Reluctant, he used the key to open the door and call her while entering.

Alex was relieved the place was still clean. He looked around for Rai, but the apartment seemed empty. Anxiousness filled his body and head when he had already made three rounds looking for her.

'No...' Alex mumbled while scary thoughts invaded his mind. 'What did she do?'

In her room, Alex found her phone unlocked. He picked it up, and the screen showed a travel company site and confirmation of a purchased ticket. Alex's heart dropped. He rapidly went through her phone to find something else to tell him what she had done but failed.

'How am I supposed to reach her?' he said.

His hands started to shake uncontrollably. He had failed in helping her. He should've stayed the night. He remembered how she said she couldn't take it anymore. Rai had escaped, and she didn't want to be stopped. Alex dropped his hands to his sides with the phone still. He felt utterly frustrated and useless. There's nothing he could do now.

'I am the worst friend...'

He started to look around her room with hope. He realized half of her clothes were gone, and a couple of little pillboxes were empty on the nightstand. He grabbed one of those and read the prescription - they were the same he used to take in high school. Benzos were highly addictive, and only a doctor can prescribe them since it's easy to overdose from them.

The boxes were all empty. His whole blood went cold. Alex feared the worst. He prayed to every god he knew to help Rai get safe to the place she chose as a destination. He was overwhelmed by the mix of emotions he was feeling; frustration, sadness, and anger. He decided he would not tell anyone about it; if Rai didn't want to be found, he should respect that. After realizing he had nothing to do there, he decided to leave. He took Rai's phone with him if she tried to reach him or anyone tried to reach her. Alex checked once again the purchase confirmation and saw Rai's destination:

'Berlin?'