HoneyCrisp 18. Hidden Rose

Due to price inflation, Zimbabwe coins are no longer in use. Could international cricket or soccer teams requiring coin toss please bring their own national coins? Or you can bring the imperialists' ones, eg. the British. But then our national match commissioners might need to find new jobs, dark tinted glasses and new places of residence.

18. Hidden Rose

“They took me to Harare Remand Prison in handcuffed like a commoner. The police should operate like a church ministry with different anointed departments. It should have different categories for handling people. Criminals ought to be handled by those officers who have undergone internal investigation and punishment for smoking substances. Blue collar or white collar criminals should be handled by those who know where to place a neck tie. Those like me should be handled by teetotollers or members of the force with a drinking problem. I was shackled like an ox going to the slaughter house. Any officer could pull chain straps and they enjoyed themselves on my account.

“They investigated the crime I was supposed to have committed. Every money in my flat was counted and tabulated. Every foreign currency was recorded and converted to local currency at the lower official rate. They killed me there a little bit. Worse they deposited it in my account then charged me with a crime of trading in foreign currency without a valid licence. The licence requirements are so strict and costly no individual can afford them in order to buy off jail time.

"They went through every financial record. They should have come up with a balance sheet including how much was spent on alcohol and girlfriends. They do not pat you on the back. They send the lowest ranking team of police officers to manhandle a known personality including handcuffs. They have officers who have done auditing or accountancy. Maybe they joined the force as professionals after getting bored with waiting on the job market. Then they even have officers who interpret the law like an apprentice interpreting the languages received by a witch doctor. These low ranking non-regular ones take you to the charge office telling you how the prisoners where you are going will love your shins.

"The last time I went to my radio post was the last. I was taken from Pockets Hill in handcuffs. I didn't know what was happening to my daily aired comedies, Phil the Comic shows. I didn't understand how people on Darfur, East Timor, Afghanistan and other war zones leave everything and run for their lives. They didn't even wait for me to comb my hair or check myself in the mirror. I couldn't even visit the toilet without an officer. He was there to hand me the tissues if they were there or old newspapers that scrap the bottom of the aaaa, what was I speaking about? I told my mates to call Russian Intelligence. No one did otherwise I wouldn’t have slept in prison. Had they taken me seriously, Moscow would have eaten a chunk of the government.”

“Moscow being a Russian bear does not like the foul taste of the African beast dying from mismanaged politically charged fiscal policy and economic downturn. The droughts, food shortages, horrible repression of the opposing views and the exodus of trained personnel can tell any intelligence gathering apparatus that the dust is too much to judge the state of the dry ground. You were too puny for any foreign government to object to your incarceration. Even your former girlfriends or drinking buddies didn't even demonstrate their awareness at your incarceration.”

“Keisha!”

“You were not worth the risk to the Russian government. They didn’t even have you on their radar. Ping, ping, whiiiiiz not a bandit, a flying cockroach rather. They have taken their fill with Snowdon, Crimea and the Ukraine conflict. They were looking at the Chechen situation too. So what happened?”

“You know prison is that place where a human being is dehumanized, downgraded and degraded. That is where they teach you how to become an animal not a man. They put the stuff of humanity out of you. They crowd you with the born to die hard core criminals. They take away your human worthy. They take away your dignity. You end up answering to a set of digits like an ox being fattened for slaughter. They enter digits to know who you are. The good thing is you learn to read prison ranks. The best is you quickly get to know the chaplains and medical stuff. They do not hit you on the back of the head. The chaplains are God sent. They hardly have time for all of us. They will lead you to Christ even if you are complaining of sodomy.”

“I heard you were tried and sentenced.” Keisha had said. “You now have a criminal record as long as my arm. You are an ex-convict of some sorts. You served time plus a suspended sentence in that you didn’t commit a similar crime within the period stated.”

“Not before I witnessed two men fighting for me in remand prison. I waited until the winner came for the spoils. Though he had broken ribs, he was eyeing me like a husband who had been away for a year when he sees the woman he married. Then all the running, bicycle riding, exercises, press ups and joggings came to bear. All the frustration was put into one round house blow. I put my knee in his stomach. I followed with all my elbows into his back. He went down like a deck of cards. I followed with a single kick to the ______ groin. He took more than two weeks to heal. By that time I had established a reputation at prison that I was a no nonsense person.”

“Do we have witnesses to the alleged fight beside your own words accused? Isn’t that illegal/ inflicting injuries with intent to cause gross bodily harm? Do you know that in Africa, most states, you can be arrested for injuring a machete welding youth who was intent on murdering you during inter party or post or pre-election violence depending on whose side you are on, opposition or ruling party?” she asked. “I know in some countries you get arrested for reporting a crime. Maybe you reported a crime your bosses did which is why they nailed you.”

“Do we have witnesses to the paternity of the orthopedic nurse’s daughters which she continued to produce out of wedlock?” he asked. “She now has another daughter born in Botswana a year after she skipped the country. You may say she is nothing to look at yet she has admirers even in the country of the Tswanas.”

“So you liked single mothers who work and have good jobs with whom you shared with other men? They cheated on you while you as well as you cheated on your dates like on me?” Keisha had replied. “You were promising me heaven and earth on a platter while you tip toed into a nurse’s digs. She attended to your blood and sugar problems. Doing that she kept an eye out for the intelligence operative. When we dated I never in the least heard of this nurse. I only knew you were seeing a single mom who was a teacher in Glen Norah. You do like the single mothers don’t you?”

“Are we covering the historic gaps Keisha?” he had asked. "My age you wanted me dating seventeen year olds and be arraigned for statutory rape? That is an automatic two years in the four walled quarters give or take a few months for good behaviour and the ability to keep the zip up when you see the female teenagers prancing their bodies at the nearest drinking hole."

“Go on. I once read Gulliver’s Travels. I never attended a political rally. I have heard it starts with church songs converted to politics. There are lurid dances using the buttocks. The speeches are rambling stories with third hand jokes. It is not unfamiliar for our politicians to read the same page over again. An hour's speech takes three hours. I guess you are much better than a politician. I can listen to this one. You are a comedian yet your last act in Harare makes up for a good comedy script. You were like Rowan Atkinson on set, setting up a paint bomb.”

“Prisoners were split into males who were wives of other males and males who were husband of other males. The ground in between was for those who delved in magic and miracles be they holy or of the satanic order. I don’t know why these so called MOG or madzibaba don't work their miracles once in jail."

"MOG?"

"Men of God who get arrested and interned for various crimes such as, swindling, rapes, thefts by false pretense, statutory rapes, rapes etc. Before they were famous workers of miracles. I guess these will have left their charms behind. That is where false prophets should cut their teeth and make themselves known.

“The guards never knew the racket existed. If you yodelled you would be found having committed suicide in the cell block. We were overcrowded by the way. The other prisoners would be so asleep they wouldn’t hear you struggling as men used your behind to have sexual rapture.”

“Wow!”

“I was sentenced to do four months for my crime. They moved me from Harare Remand Prison to city’s infamous pre-independence detention facility for politicians, Chikurubi Medium-Maximum Prison. I left my mark there. Like Red in Showshanks Redemption I curved my name somewhere, the comedian Philip was here alongside other political prisoners post and pre-independence. I told the commandant of the section where I was interned I would return when I was made minister of state (broadcasting services) in a reshuffled government. Most Politicians including Robert Gabriel Mugabe, Govan Mbeki, Walter Sisulu and Nelson Mandela served time in prison, so did I.

"African politicians who led the struggle against Caucasian domination and were jailed or exiled want the opposition to suffer the same fate. We had political prisoners caught demonstrating against the repressive government by breaking into shops and making off with staff. Some of the political prisoners had done the one finger salute against anti-riot police. Others had been importing stuff through the borders without going through the check points, using mules in order to sell and raise money for anti-government activities. One stole a vehicle to use to ferry anti-government demonstrators. The magistrate didn't understand his language. He pleaded deaf, dump and dumb. He was however laughing at court jokes. If politicians all over Africa get into power by the gun, remove them the same way. One day I will proudly show off my prison garb pictures that I was arrested for resisting corruption! The underground government in exile ought to elect me shadow minister for the Media industry. Wait until we establish a rebel base on the Crocodile River.”

“There will be no politics for you. In the future the political crisis or crises will be solved by the locals. We in the diaspora will be off balance when it happens. Maybe there will be a day in Africa when elections will be free and fair to every one participating without any political parties at all. Like the French Yellow vest movement, maybe we will function all arms of state without a government.”

“A month and a half were taken off. I spent them at Harare Remand Prison awaiting my sentence. The oaf of a bull frog interfered with my bail application, bail denied! My reputation preceded me. My backsides were for sitting on the toilet or sitting down not for someone’s use.”

“Hey! You should have been incarcerated for foul language, senseless jokes and talking too much.”

“It happens in prison all over the world. The state when I was being arraigned before the courts wanted my title deeds. I, through my lawyer opposed that. There are people in a corrupt system that makes a living when a criminal runs before their court day so they can get those deeds. They will have your Z$ 484, 000-00 house sold to defray a loan plus interest overdue of Z$11, 200-00. Had they put me on bail, the options were against me. I had lost my job, my income and my lifestyle. I would have boarded the nearest truck heading towards Mozambique, Zambia, Botswana or South Africa even though they had impounded my passport. If we take it seriously, given the current economic conditions prevalent in Zimbabwe, everyone arraigned before the courts ought to be denied bail. We are all flight risks including ex-presidents and their vices when they come into being.

“The house will be conveniently sold to a front for Z$11, 200 plus lawyer’s charges, commission, conveyance fees and estate duties. The syndicate will then resell it later to make a whooping profit while you join the homeless millions living as tenants on other mules’ properties. Then you have to carry the burden of starting afresh to get immovable property.”

“I heard about title deeds scandals. They did not involve bail materials. It was a matter of unscrupulous loan sharks doing usury transactions that can be reversed at law. I guess if the state makes everyone cede their title deed for criminal and civil cases, and everyone escapes before court, the government will end up the biggest landlord in the end. We are all prone to exit the country without notice. Bail should be revoked. We start serving jail terms on arrest. We get peanut compensation on acquittal. Your comedy show went out of the window? You went off air, switched off? Persona non grata. You were not allowed to be voiced over the state controlled radio stations. Without an independent radio station in the country you filed for broke. You were silently eliminated loudly.

"You know P. W. Botha then Prime Minister of South Africa did when Stevie Wonder sang the song I Just Called. Stevie did the crime of dedicating the song to Nelson Mandela. Mandela was then a prisoner at Robben Island. South Africa banned Stevie Wonder’s songs. He continued to receive world acclaim, so can you. Don't give up. Our country is not the limit. You became a specified person, unwanted chucked from the once popular lists. A trained journalist, disc jockey, radio personality and comedian with a criminal record. Take courage from the fact that Strive Masiiwa of Econet Wireless took the state to court for five years. He is now Africa's biggest telecommunications mogul. He stays away from the old country. He jets in, they will find ways to arrest him for crimes against the climate or penguins.”

“My job, perks, the comedy show and allowances went through a broken wall. It was like I had never existed. When I came out I headed to Mpumalanga. Here I am in Jo'burg. My friends in Harare had turned their shoulders on me. They thinned out. When you face hard times that is the very good time to do a census of your relatives and friends. I have been doing mostly comedy here. My income had been for sporting events like golf, soccer matches and horses including batting.”

“And you lost all your women, beer privileges and other incidentary allowances for doing favours to people like mentioning their drinking joints in your jokes or humour inspired shows. They were taken over by other worthy bulls while you were made an ox or eunuch. You have a hit list as big as an A-4, 96-page exercise book of fallen victims. You broke the heart of an eTV presenter recently. It was mentioned somewhere. How many children have you sired out of marriage?”

“Keisha, that one is below the belt. It is horribly wrong. Let us not go there either.”

“Honestly Philip, if you have children, when you are sober do you think of what they eat, drink, dress or live?”

“I don’t have any that I know of. How long have you been here?” he tried changing tact.

“I have been here in and out for about half a year almost or roughly. I am half in the old country and half here.”

“How is work? What is keeping you busy?”

“Everything is all right. I am making life by adjusting to different conditions and views of customers now that there is social media for marketing.”

“Are you still single?”

“Yes and still not available to sundry males who feel like they are alpha males to all females,” she had replied. “I am no longer searching. Don’t even try it. Wipe that grin off your face. Women are not like bacon slices that you consume and forget. Don’t you grow tired of kissing a new female frog every once in a while? I do not soak up used and rejected men. Have you ever seen used tea bags, syringes or cotton swabs being traded?”

“Can I take you on a date?”

“I am not searching. I am not promising. It has to be strictly on business grounds. If I can, I shall check my diary. I do home/house makeovers. That is my forte. I do not run the business for my own profit only. I run it professionally like I did back home. One blessing after another. Some South Africa Caucasians have been sending recommendations about me to different outfits. My local and immigrant South African based African customers are doing the same.”

“I am still a radio comedian with three shows a week. I do stand-up comedy at a local joint twice a week, at another I do once a week. It takes a lot of planning, scheming, writing, reading and then spur of the moment. I run several newspaper columns speaking on many sports cricket, baseball, soccer, golf and others. Those draw readers who can be useful read a lot of the current issues in the media then I watch news and weather forecasts from which I create lines that keep people dubbing at their eyes.

"I have had to relearn a lot because circumstances are different here in Jo'burg east side of Manhattan, New York, than in Harare. When you approach the microphone the lines must just flow. You must keep the audience busy looking for paper towels. It supplies the bacon. It’s not like back home where you tell stupid jokes in order not to be summoned to the political commissar’s office. You find radio disc jockeys competing with the newscaster in telling news instead of entertaining listeners from a different angle. Here I entertain and make them smile. I stay off hot topics which are anathema here, the environment LGBT community whatever that is?”

“Limit the cigarettes, the beer, especially the ill dress clad females. They will be your downfall. If prison didn’t make you a homosexual getting interned here for sexual offenses will. The women can still fight for you. Enjoy them if you are straight and not queer. Some eunuchs are born eunuchs while others are made by men, in prison.”

“I want us to run steady again.”

“Need I refer to your Facebook page where you were hugging this feminine Chinese national?” she asked. "You seem to like the small and slender portable models or the taller versions with a little bit of flesh."

“Is it a crime to hug a chick before I met you here? That is contributing to tourism for the host nation.”

“No, it’s not, neither am I desperate nor am I running steady. There is a beer or spirits called Johnny Walker, keep on walking with those seductive chicks as you call them. If you handle a chick, make sure the hen is far away lest you will never want to see a hen again when you remove feathers from your mouth and hair. Just imagine it's the chick of an ostrich. It isn’t a crime especially if you open the Facebook page of the Chinese woman. There you see posted photos of a black man tongue kissing a “fan”.”

“I am a man Keisha who stays and works alone. I also get lonely in the nights or the day times. I need people to talk to and give my heart to. In your absence I can't remain celibate. There are certain biological functions I cannot escape from. I cannot resist temptation. Both Bathsheba and King David failed to yield to common sense with Uriah on the battlefield. The flesh started talking and the rest is in the Bible. Read the book of Acts Chapter seventeen.”

“The book of 1 Samuel not Acts. So you are into Chinese tourists now? Are you helping to groom, acclimatize or teach them proper manners and English? G'd chair lady Zhiang Zhao!” she asked tactfully. “Hong Kong, Macao or Beijing here I come by the dozen. While the pro-democracy activists are protesting in Hong Kong against mainland communist activities, you are holding their female cousins hostage in your arms?”

“That was a public smooching. It happens here, freely. They are more liberated here than in other countries were old cultural practices still hinders things.”

“Was that an answer?”

“Am I under cross examination counsel for the prosecution?” he had defended.

“Philip, since you served time in our overcrowded jail houses, you will find it very easy to join the clubs for the homosexuals here. You now know sodomy, change it to consensual sex with other men and leave me alone. Keep in touch but not for dating.”

She had stumbled into a joint where he had been giving a comedy show by studying the entertainment shows when she had been free. Her intention was to see and listen live to the infamous Trevor Manuel. She had stumbled upon some good South African standup comedy. She didn't know there was so much talent with comics. She had found some tremendous acts in some theatres. Though she stayed with a relative's family, she at times felt free to explore especially when free. Karla was now squarely in Cape Town. The sibling family of girls was breaking apart slowly as they shifted positions.

Several customers had recommended her name to international companies. Though reluctant, she had filled in the necessary paper work especially on the internet. She explored the city of Johannesburg up and down. It was not just explorations, seeing made her creative. She was studying situations which helped her tune up her creativity.

That is why she knew of the place. Philip had identified her while he was still belting out his jokes. There was a college of people. It was a popular theatre for the arts with performances ranging from musical dramas to comedy. He was doing a one man fifteen minute show in which he had the audience enthralled. When someone took over, she was surprised to get a card with instructions.

She had slipped out before he was back on the stage. When he sent another card, she was gone like a mirage on a hot desert road. With so many faces in the theatre, how had he seen and identified her enough to send an usher?

© Copyright tmagorimbo July 2017