Chapter 51

I slowly opened my eyes feeling my throat parched and my head pounding.

What happened?

I felt a sense of deja vu as I laid there starting to understand that I was in my room.

"Good, you're up."

I looked over to see my mom with her arms folded looking rather displeased.

"Mom?"

"We have to talk. But before anything, let me make this finale." She paused. "You're going to therapy starting Saturday. My decision is finale. We made an agreement that if you handle one year without it, I wouldn't sign you up. Obviously you didn't make that year."

"But mom-"

"No."

She looked at me sternly but with pain.

"I want you to be better, happy. It hurts me to see you like this. Justin wouldn't want this."

Her words hit me harder then I thought they could.

"See? Just the sound of his name messes with you."

I wanted to say something but I couldn't.

"Now I don't know what caused that episode Christopher told me about but I don't want you to have another. And last night was a big mistake. I don't care if Drake was with you, it was still wrong."

I really did mess up.

"You're grounded. From now on Christopher will pick you up and take you to school."

I didn't bother fighting. I deserved this. It was for the best.

"I have to go. Don't leave this house, you got it?"

I nodded my head and watched her leave.

Great. Just great.

I should have known better. I should have gone home. I should have fixed this problem long ago. I should just get over this stupid obsession of mine.

But how could I?

It's my fault. I killed them. I just can't forget that or move on or forgive myself. Justin was my crutch. Both mentally and emotionally. How could I move on?

I was nothing without him.

I was nothing.

I wanted to cry but before I could a knock sounded on my door and Christopher pocked his head in.

"Hey. Are you... feeling better?"

I looked to the side not really wanting to talk. I mean, I didn't know what to say either.

He walked in and closed the door sitting down at the corner of my bed.

"I just want to say that your mother is right. I think that what she wants to do for you is the right thing. Now the reason behind it, I don't know but," He placed his hand on mine and looked at me deeply, "I hope you trust me enough to let me know."

I wish I could tell him. I really did but I felt as if I couldn't. Like it just wasn't time to talk about it yet.

I was being quiet for too long. He removed his hand.

"It's fine. I get it. If you don't want to talk about it, I understand."

Now I felt bad. I wanted to tell him. But a piece of me tugged at my heart as I thought to reconsider.

"But, I won't leave. I plan to stay with you despite your mother asking me to. I didn't really need her to ask."

I should have known. But at the same time that did seem like him.

"She asked that at least one of us be with you at all times to prevent things from happening. That episode of yours in the car, what was it? What started it? Was it what I said? Is it because of me?"

He seemed generally concerned and worried to see if he was the reason.

"If it was me then," he took a deep breath, "I understand if you rather not see me."

He started to get up but before he could I grabbed his hand

"No! It wasn't you, I promise."

He looked relieved to hear that. He grabbed my hand and laced his fingers through mine bringing it close to him.

"I'm glad to hear that. I don't think I'd be able to handle time away from you."

His words made my heart skip a beat.

He leaned in close to me. I knew exactly what he was going for. But before he could another knock come and the door started to open. Immediately Christopher moved away and let go of my hand putting his behind his back. Jake walked in and looked at Christopher's nervous face then my most likely blushing one.

"Was I interrupting something?"

"No," Christopher answered too quickly.

He cleared his throat and shifted on his feet.

"What did you want anyway?"

Jake walked over to me keeping his eyes on me with a blank face as if he were processing things.

"I just came to check on my love."

Love?!

"Excuse me? Love? Did she concede to this title?"

Christopher looked at me as if to see if I could confirm his words.

"No. She doesn't need to."

Again with the assuming I'm ok with things!

Christopher kept looking at me with kindness for Jake with a simple smirk.

"Face it big brother. I won."

Oh god. Here we go again.

"I won't believe it until she says."

They looked at me for a response.

"Really guys? And right after she woke up?"

We all looked over at Alex as he stood at the door, his arms crossed.

"No one invited you, Alex," Jake hissed clearly not wanting him to have intervened.

"I didn't need to be invited."

"Alex, just leave. We're busy at the moment."

"But why do it here? You're only making this worse for her."

Why can't they just leave?

"But she has to confirm something!"

Jake seemed angry but really more anxious. Like he was anxious to hear my response. My confirmation.

Honestly, why can't I ever have a moment of peace?

"Confirm what?"

Alex stood up straight and looked at Jake with a menacing glare in his eyes. Honestly, I was a little scared. I've never seen him like this before.

Jake backed down, but only a little.

"Why do you need to know? You're clearly out of the picture."

"Confirm what?"

"It doesn't matter," Christopher butted in separating the two. He looked at me for a second with an apologetic look. "Let's just go. Jake, we should just put this aside for now."

Jake looked to the side, away from Alex, opposite for me.

"Whatever."

He basically spat the word out.

in all of the chaos I was left with no say in anything. Like before. Or at least in other situations.

I felt weak and useless.

Useless.

Empty.

I felt tears burning my eyes and I ball my fist letting my nails dig into my hand.

It's happening again.

My chest felt heavy and a bit my tongue so hard it was numb. I couldn't cry. Not now. Not here.

Christopher and Jake hade already left by now and Alex was just about to before he turned back to look at me seeing my broken state.

He quickly close the door and walked to me picking me up and holding me in his arms. His big, strong arms. I felt safe in his arms and huddled close to him and let the tears fall. He comforted me and brushed my hair and hugged me close.

"It's all right Samantha. I'm here for you."

I kept my fist clenched, my nails bearing deeper into my skin.

He separated us a bit and wipe my tears before grabbing my hands. I froze for a bit panicked he'd see the marks I probably made.

"Let go Samantha. You're going to hurt yourself."

He said it so call me like he was used to this. But I couldn't let go. In fact, when he said that, I actually clenched harder.

His thumb rubbed up on my white knuckles as he looked into my eyes kindly.

"Let go."

I let my fingers loosen and let him unfold them while I kept my eyes shut close.

"See? Look. You've left a mark on these beautiful hands."

I slowly open my eyes to look at the marks and watched him lean close to my hands. He softly kissed them, the touch stinging only a little.

"Don't worry about them. They're idiots to treat you like a prize to be won. I bet because of us, including me, you're going to therapy."

My eyes widened.

Maybe it was...

"It doesn't matter. You don't have to answer anything. I just want to be able to be with you, if that's ok?"

I nodded my head and hugged him digging my head in his chest.

"I love you Samantha."

I couldn't answer.

It was like with Drake all over again.

I want to say what I said to him but that felt like cheating. Like more of a punishment than gift.

Alex left in my chin so I'd face him and look into his deep eyes full of meaning.

"I promise my feelings will never change."

Alex kept looking at me as if wanting to do something. He quickly looked away blushing just a bit.

"S-Sorry. I'm trying to hold back. Limits and all that. I don't want to overwhelm you like the others."

I kept looking at Alex thinking about our last moment like this together when he showed me his actual limits. So knowing what he could handle I remove my head from his hand and buried it in his chest.

He smells so good it was so warm. I felt so safe and comfortable in his arms.

He laughed a little, his voice vibrating in his chest the feeling making my heart flutter.

"Sorry, did I make you uncomfortable or something?"

He started to rub my back as he rested his chin on my head.

I shook my head on his chest not wanting to say anything.

"But, you know, if the situation ever did occur and you were ok with it, would you, you know..."

Alex trailed off and I got up to look at him seeing him blushing even more. He was looking to the side again. He took a deep breath before looking me again.

"Would you let me... kiss you?"

Now it was my turn to blush uncontrollably.

"I-I mean, I wouldn't just want to do it without your consent. I don't want to be like that. But now that I said it out loud it seemed dumb to ask. I'm sorry."

"N-no. You're fine. I was just surprised is all."

Alex caressed my cheek, his face going serious.

"So then, would you be ok with that?"

I opened my mouth to answer him but nothing came out.

He leaned in closer to me.

"Like what if I did it now?"

Now I really couldn't answer him. I was completely steamed from the shock. He slowly etched closer waiting for my response.

"I- uh..."

His lips were practically touching mine.

I felt my heart in my throat and watched Alex's eyes as a desire burned in them. But before our lips could collide he pulled away and forced out a small laugh.

"Just kidding. The moment was wrong anyway."

He let me go and got up looking at me with a genuine smile.

"You need some rest."

There was disappointment in his eyes.

"I'll get you when dinner is ready."

He walked to my door and opened it, not looking back at me.

"Just relax, ok? You should enjoy things while you can."

And with that he left leaving me without really saying anything.

I felt my head drop and sighed.

I'm so stupid.