Kolkwitzia

'I wonder if there's a way to manipulate one's dream.'

In my dream, every time I realized that everything around me was just an illusion, I tried to change things. I once read imagining things could appear in dreams in one of my books hence I always tried it.

As I do so, I could feel my consciousness being pulled away back to reality and once I opened my eyes, I found myself in a place far from the world where everything was within my grasp.

In reality, I couldn't change things so easily.

I had to remind myself every time that I wasn't alone in this world and that everything I decided could affect others.

Hearing these words always took me back to the dream I had when I was a child. Hence I found it quite unfair whenever my dream kicked me back to the real world as though forcing me to look at the things I didn't want to see.

Evidently, people's perspectives changed as they grow up. Of course, that applied to me as well.

I wondered when did I become such a coward?

Thinking about these things, I let my mind drift along with the words in the books. In the least, doing this made my head calm.

That was when I stumbled with the word I'd been hearing this recently.

*Love, huh...*

I had once read a book about this subject before, but since I was too young at that time I didn't understand any of it. No, that was wrong. If anything, my inexperienced brain at that time thought things too literal, that was why I misinterpreted things so easily.

I always thought that I knew a lot of things but in actuality, academic aside, I still had a lot of room to grow.

Other than the books, the world was still unknown to me. I remembered seeing a large grass field near our town before but just like its vastness, there were parts of this world that I still didn't know. Whether that part was a place or a person or an experience. Just, as usual, the answer was: I couldn't tell.

*I'm still learning, after all.*

Idly, I turned the page of my book and wondered, *what it feels like to fall in love.* But it seemed that words escaped from my thoughts—floated in the air, and made their way to the certain person's ear.

"Sa...Sakura?"

I looked at the owner of the voice with a start.

*Oh, right... I forgot I wasn't alone,* I thought as I saw Eimi trembling across from me, for some reason. But since I witnessed this reaction of her many times, I was kind of used to it.

Contrary to when I was young when I always questioned every small detail, the current just swept her gaze and shrugged her shoulder. I did think this was something that had changed in me when I entered high school. Though, I couldn't say that *that* was all since I just started high school.

"Oh, I don't mean anything about it." I gave her a dismissive hand and smiled lightly.

She shot me a skeptical look before she went back to read her book. Likewise, I shifted my gaze to the words in front of me.

Most of the time, I read books alone hence this situation made me feel uncomfortable. Especially, when you constantly felt a pair of eyes shooting a glance at you. Regardless, this sensation disappeared when my mind started to get consumed by the book.

Just when my mind started to sail smoothly through the words, a familiar voice unusually greeted us. I said unusual because it was the first time I heard this kind of accent. Hence, it made me look at the direction of the voice.

"Goo' day!" Senior greeted us like some foreigner lost in our country. Though in her case, she didn't actually nail the accent.

Paying no mind to it, I greeted her as she waved her hand and tottered towards us.

Time had passed and the way I see senior Sasaki had changed, too. Though I could say, *not much* but I was starting to see her on the bright side.

She acted childish sometimes, so I thought she would be a failure of an adult but it seemed that it was just my first impression of her. If anything, I could say that Senior was quite reliable. She took important things seriously, especially when it comes to the literature club.

I remembered her saying that the past members took good care of her so I did think she was trying to follow their steps. For some reason, I felt quite thankful to them for being good upperclassmen to senior Sasaki...or else, we wouldn't have the quite responsible senior this day.

Then again, I thought it was normal to impress a younger student just by being kind to her. Not to mention, Senior was the only freshman who joined the club at that time, since there was hardly a high school student who had an interest in literature—or so she said, so they might have dotted on her.

If that was true then, I might have the slightest clue why she acted childish sometimes.

Since senior Sasaki wasn't that tall or anything, we looked like three first years taking our time in the library as she seated next to me. Privately, that thought brought a chuckle to me but I tried to suppress it since I might turn out rude. Then again, perhaps thinking *that* because of Senior's stature was already counted as rude.

*I shall not speak any about this to Senior,* I thought, then buried it within the covers of the book.

"What are you reading, Sakura?" Senior stretched out her neck as she peered at my book. Then, she immediately retracted after a second as though she lost her interest. "Oh," she added, like a child that had grown bored listening.

Instead of answering Senior's question, I wondered why a literature club member seemed not to be interested in reading. But since there was no harm in it, I decided to ask her.

"You look like the type who doesn't particularly like books, right Senior?"

Slightly hesitant, I brought up this topic. I just hoped that it didn't sound rude to her.

"Am I?" she tilted her head as she looked at me. "I actually thought that I like them enough," she added.

"But you don't like reading, don't you?"

"Geh," she recoiled.

It seemed I was right.

Before I could say any words she flailed her hands at a speed of light. "It's not that I don't like it, you know. It's not a matter of liking to read books or not. It's just I..." She paused and shifted her face away from me.

"It's just?" I prompted.

Flustered, she said, "You know\... I just like... w-writing more than reading... or something to that point."

I watched her face turn into a blush, then I realized she might be embarrassed to say those words. Seriously, what was I doing to an upperclassman?

*So senior Sasaki wants to be a writer, huh,* I thought to myself since Senior might explode if I continued pushing this topic to her.

Though I could say, there was nothing to be embarrassed by having something you wanted to be, I supposed there were people who didn't incline to casually talk about that.

Regardless, I felt a slight admiration for Senior.

Contrary to her, I still had no idea what I wanted to be in the future. Like a blank page waiting to be written on or a cherry blossom's flowers waiting to land in its desired location.

But still...

"That came out as a surprise," I nodded and smiled at her.

"Right. Though, I don't think I have the image of a writer. Not that I started writing because I like the image, of course. But still, I think it's a part of it." Her voice waded in her remark, as though the wave pushing to and pulling out of the shore.

"I see. Anyway, I wonder what image Senior think writers have."

"You know\..." she hesitated, then, "The silent person who radiates a genius aura. The type that will just smile at anything while pushing their thick glasses back to their place and sitting with their leg rested on the other."

"Oh, Senior, Why did you come here, again?" I asked, paying no mind to her last words that could deduct my admiration for her to a certain point.

"Yeah, I almost forgot. The teacher asked me to get the new books in the storage room for the club. So I'll ask for your help."

Fortunately, she didn't notice that I just casually brushed off the image of a writer she had in her mind.

Reluctantly, a part of me wanted to stay and just read the book but I knew, as a member of the club, that wouldn't be good so, "I'll help."

Then as if it just struck me, I asked Eimi.

She blinked twice then, looked at us dubiously as though she just woke up from her dream. Silently, I wondered if that was what my face looked like when my mind wandered around. But in her case, she looked cute.

Her voice cracked as she said, "oum, yes?"

Internally, I giggled as I watched her shift her gaze from senior Sasaki to me without any idea of what was happening.

Finally, I gave her a gist of what was going on.

"Senior was asked by the teacher to get the new book in the storage room, so I thought of helping her."

"Yep," Senior nodded. "And oh...I forgot I'm also here to collect you two. Frankly, the clubroom was quite lonely now that the third-year seniors retired. So I want you two to help me there," she added as though she just remembered it and flashed her white pearls.

Eimi seemed to mull over it since her brows curved. I wondered why but since Eimi was Eimi, I decided to scratch it off my mind. She did things that even I couldn't understand, after all.

Ultimately, she answered, "I suppose if Sakura's going...I will go too." she stammered.

As it was settled, we tidied up the desk and stuffed the books back into their designated shelf. Since I didn't take *that* lot of books neither did Eimi, we finished quickly with the help of senior Sasaki.

On the way to fetch the books, I realized something.

"I'm surprised they allow a club with only three members to continue. "

Normally, clubs that didn't meet the minimum number of members would be terminated. That was why I wondered how we, a club with below the minimum number of members, haven't eliminated yet.

Not that I wanted to, of course. There was still merit for me becoming a literature club member, after all.

"Of course, they will, after all the favor I did for them," she protested, the color of her face drained as though she remembered something horrible. I reminded myself not to mention any of that to Senior again.

She stood straight and cleared her throat.

"Well, literature club is an academic-based club, after all. And since there were hardly any students who had an interest in it, it might wither out when it's left alone. So, occasionally, they make an exception for us."

"Right."

"But of course even with that, I can't still let my guard down. Who knows what's the limit of that exception? The third-year seniors leave this club in my care so I need to do my best to meet their expectations."

Usually, senior Sasaki looked so nonchalant hence when her expression suddenly turned serious, I would find myself couldn't take my eyes off her.

"You really respect them that much, Senior..." I mused.

"Of course. Oh, right. You two haven't met them, right? I'm sure you'll eventually meet them since they said they will occasionally visit the club," she said merrily like a child introducing her friends to her mother. But in any case, I don't want to be her mother.

That was when I felt a slight tug on my other side. When I turned my eyes, Eimi was glancing away but her fingers were pinching my side. *She must have felt out of place,* I assumed when I'd think of a reason why she did that.

"Something the matter, Eimi?" I tried to look at her face but she insisted on avoiding my gaze, shifting her face away even further.

"You know I wouldn't know what you think if you never say anything, right?" I sighed, then tapped her hand to signal her to release my cloth. I started to feel uncomfortable, after all.

"Sorry," said Eimi in a hushed tone, gradually taking her hand off me.

Looking at her puppy dog eyes, I felt like I did something wrong to her. Perhaps from the outsider's view, it looked like I bullied her or something. Why did I feel guilty even though I didn't do something wrong to her?

"Sakura..."

"Yes, what it is, Eimi?"

She shifted her gaze to senior Sasaki and then settled on me. "You're starting to get close to senior, huh?"

"What do you mean by that?" I asked as I felt something in her words.

She fretted, then flapped her hands and said, "No, I... I mean, it's not like I said it in a bad way but... You sure look happy when talking to Senior, that's it."

I felt senior Sasaki turn her gaze to us as she heard her name.

I looked at Eimi's blushed cheeks and stiffened shoulder, and thought: *No need to be so frantic about that, you know.*

Thinking about Eimi's behavior, I wondered why she always had this anxious attitude toward me. She slightly resembled my big sister.

Speaking of my big sister, now that she entered university, she became too busy. I felt like I was starting to see her less than before. What a great resemblance to my parents, I see.

I just hoped she wouldn't overdo things and left her exhausted or even skipped her meals.

When senior Sasaki opened the door of the storage room, we dutifully transferred the books to the literature club. Then midway, I had to bid them farewell since I might miss my bus so I left before even finishing my work. Though I knew they would understand it, part of me still felt guilty, especially to Eimi. She was looking at me as though she wanted to follow when I was about to leave, I just smiled at her and waved my hand.

❀

Morning came and I was at the shoe lockers, halfway changing to my indoor shoes when I saw Eimi in the corner of my eyes. I felt bad leaving her with my remaining work yesterday hence I decided to greet her. Not that it would change anything, of course.

...or it would.

Her eyes widened as she saw me and instead of greeting me back she turned around and ran away from me.

Confused, I tilted my head and wondered what did just happened.