Anger...

Life can be surprising at some moment. Some situations can just change over a small period. Believe it when they say time is a herb that heals. The herb might take forever to grow but in due time when its purpose has arrived, it will surprise you with its speedy recovery to its womb.

I believe what was standing between me and dad was pride and overprotective feelings to those we love. I might have hated him for his past, but he is a changed man now, he no longer does what he used to. He is now a loving father to his kid and his girlfriend.

His past is what I have to let go, but how can I ever do that? . That will always be part of him, but it does not define him anymore. I am sure you are all wondering why I hate his past, it ain't so good at all. What type of man can abuse his wife. Yes, they might have their arguments and fights, but that should have not led him to beat his wife up. What type of man can beat a woman and leave her in the pool of blood and walked out and go drink alcohol as if nothing happened. Not that alone but after he saved his punishment he still gets a girlfriend and abundant his kid to the girlfriend and move on with his life. My mother, being the lady she is, she had to focus on those kids. She gave them love and neglected me as her child. I might have been a child back then, but I had to grow up mentally and watch myself out, I had to guide myself. I guess this is the main reason why I can't fully disclose my problems to anyone, other than to keep them to myself.

Life might have been hard for my brothers to adjust to having to live with my mom, but it wasn't as bad as mine. I had to watch my only mother neglect me, I am sure she never noticed what she was doing to me, but it broke me down. I was still young, for heavenly sake. Things only changed when he got a job, he started coming back to fix things with my mom and his kids, my mom had to just take him back as nothing happened. I guess I will never understand why I had to go through that shit alone while my mom was physically there but emotionally?

Yes, he started being a good father to my baby brother maybe to me too, but I doubt, I noticed it since I was still filled with anger. He even started attending therapy for his sake to deal with his anger issues and his alcohol addiction. Things started to go well in 2010 when my mother was pregnant with my baby sister Zinhle. He was fully around and being there as a father and lover. Things changed for the better, but I was never the same again. I might have dealt with depression back then, but I never let it affect me in any kind of way, even though I would cry myself to sleep since I still had no one to fully open up to. But I never looked vulnerable to any human eye. I was still smart with how I dealt with my emotions when I was around people.

My priority was to always make someone smile and let them feel loved and wanted, while I neglect my feelings. I always put other people

first, yes that might sometimes torn me apart, but the outcome of their smile made me happy. I guess that is the main reason why I had to talk to my mom about our relationship.

Furthermore, I never told her everything but only the basics of my depression, I wanted to avoid hurting her feelings. We worked our relationship, and we are perfectly good, but I will never tell her the truth. When my relationship with my mother started to work out, I went to my brother, Mbulelo, and fixed our shit, we never had a problem with each other, but you know when kids ain't from the same parents, they quarrel for the smallest things. Our relationship speeds up quickly, and we are best friends now. Most of the people when they see us out they think maybe we are dating because we are always there for each other, we watch out for each other.

My relationship with my sister Zinhle is healthy. I just hated how she was treated so well as an egg. I guess it was because I never got that as a child, that was just jealous, nothing major. Likewise, I had to work it out, and my mother and brother were there for me.

Welile and I, our relationship is not so well, we have had our days since we were still teenagers. Wellie has always been a troubling child since he was a child. He would steal in the house and blame it on his brother, and that made my mother almost give up on them. My father had to force him to be a better child, I guess he never wanted him to turn up with his characteristics. He adjusted to the house rules and became better.

We never fought in the house, we treat it as our safe spot even though we have our differences. Our parents might not be heroes, but they all want what's best for us. They might take decisions that might make our lives miserable, but at the end of the day, they will try to change the situation in the end.

"So what are you going to be doing at Maboneng lifestyle ?" My father said, as I was still deep in my thoughts. He disturbed my therapy session in my mind. I could have responded differently if we didn't fix things but now since we are all good, I have to respond his as my father and as an adult. Not that I never did, what's different now is that I am respecting him on my own will not only make my mother proud.

"Sadly, I can't tell you, but I can try if you promise me that you won't be made about it, and don't tell mom." That was me wanting him to trust me, not to doubt anything I do. I want one relationship with him, where I'm capable of telling him anything without hesitation.

"I am not such a bad father, after all, you can talk to me anything"

"Well I am meeting with my guy friend, maybe he might be your potential son-in-law" I squeezed my eye and bit my lip since I did not know how he was going to respond.

"Do you want my advice ?" he asked

"It won't hate to hear you out sir"

"Just don't rush things… And don't worry I won't tell your mother, "he smiles and blushed my hand.