Chapter 8 - Fear

-ring ring ring-

Is that my alarm? No, I wouldn't have set one last night. It's the 9th. There are still two more days of vacation left before the office opens and I start working again. Am I looking forward to returning? I don't know. I wouldn't show up if I didn't get paid to do so, but it's not something I dread anymore. Although, maybe I would feel different if I had spent my entire vacation catching up on work. We only have time off now because our team completed everything before heading home for the year. Allowing us to spend time away from work relaxing and having fun, despite a hard deadline for our project falling on the 11th. At least I've spent most of my vacation relaxing, not having done anything of note since visiting the aquarium with everyone. Thinking back, Charles was right. Time slips away without warning if you don't plan to do anything with it.

-ring ring ring-

"Ahh." Sitting up, I reached for my phone and answered it.

"James! There is an emergency. I need your help!" As Erica shouted my name, jolting me awake, I moved the speaker away from my ear.

"What's going on?" Jumping out of bed, I ran to put some pants on.

"I was looking over our project one last time before signing it off for manager review, and some of the newer files without backups are corrupted. They all contain internal information and code, so we can redo it ourselves, but-" Panicking over the phone, Erica was stumbling over her words as she explained the situation.

"Woah, slow down. How much is affected, and what do we need to do?" Interjecting mid-sentence, I pressed her for a solution, hoping it would stop us from spinning our wheels.

"All of the affected files were completed right before we left for vacation. So redoing any work should be easier thanks to recency. But it's still too much for me to recover from on my own, especially considering everything needs to be ready for review in two days." Taking a deep breath in, Erica seemed to calm down slightly.

"Can you and Matt help me fix this? If we are going to get everything done on time, we need to start immediately."

"Yeah, of course. I wouldn't want to leave it all to you even if we had more time, and I'm sure Matt feels the same." Reassuring her, I put the call on speakerphone and finished getting dressed.

"Thanks, James. I'll text you my address, and you can both come over to my place. The two of you brought your work laptops home, right?" As Erica explained her plan, I received a message with directions to her apartment.

"We have our computers, don't worry." Picking my phone up again, I laughed nervously.

"Is there any reason you want us to meet up instead of working remotely?"

"Well… it would be easier to ask and answer each other's questions in person if one of us ends up working on a file someone else previously completed. But the office is closed today, so we need to find somewhere else to gather. I think my place is probably better than a coffee shop, seeing as this may take us into the night to finish."

"That makes sense. Here, I put you on speakerphone." Collecting the laptop and accessories from my desk, I stepped into the hallway and called for Matt.

"Yeah?" His voice echoed from the living room.

"Come back here and get ready for work. We need to leave soon."

"Huh?" Walking toward me in his pajamas, Matt looked confused.

Holding the phone out, Erica and I began to explain the situation, filling him in on our plan to meet up and refinish the project today. As the two of us rambled back and forth, Matt's face switched from confusion to shock and, finally, acceptance. I wonder if this is how I reacted when Erica told me earlier. It wouldn't surprise me. But since Matt didn't have to deal with consoling her simultaneously, everything should be easier for him to take in.

"Wow… yeah. I'll be ready to head out in a few minutes." Taking a step back, Matt shook his head in disbelief.

"Thanks, Matt." Erica called after him over the phone.

"Sure thing. I'll see you soon." Waving as he walked away, Matt entered his bedroom and closed the door behind him.

"Did he just… wave goodbye to you over the phone?" I muttered under my breath in confusion.

"Huh?"

"Nothing… sorry…"

"Oh…"

As the conversation fell apart, I stood alone in awkward silence. Is there anything I am forgetting about or could be doing instead of waiting to leave? I guess I could tell Bell what's happening, but it's not like understanding the situation will change what he does. And knowing him, a simple explanation as we head out the door should be enough. Looking back at my phone, I see the call is still ongoing. Is Erica even listening, or did she leave to do something else? What if she forgot to hang up, and I'm in the call alone?

"Hey, James… Are you still there?" Erica's voice jolted me awake once more.

"Yeah."

"You live next to Charles, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Do you think you could ask him to come over as well? It might get a little cramped in my apartment with all four of us, but I don't think it would hurt to have more help."

"That's a good idea. I wonder if he is home right now." Leaning against the wall, I tried to remember what Charles said he was doing over the break as we left the office for the year.

"Charles said he would be spending his vacation with Lilac, although I don't know if they left to visit family." Thinking out loud, Erica muttered over the phone.

That's right. Charles said this was the one time a year both he and Lilac were able to get their vacation days to line up. He seemed excited about it as we left the office, telling everyone to make the most of their time off. I probably wouldn't have invited anyone to the aquarium if it weren't for him. If I can preserve his vacation with Lilac, would that count as repaying the favor?

"Do you think we can complete everything on time without him?" Closing my eyes, I tried to devise a justification for not contacting Charles.

"I think we can handle everything ourselves… probably. It will just be more stressful and take longer."

"Let's do that then."

"... are you sure? It wouldn't hurt to at least ask him..." Questioning my response, Erica sounded confused.

"Yeah, we've got this. And if things start looking bad, we can call and ask him to work remotely." As I reassured her, Matt opened the door to his bedroom and stepped back into the hallway.

"That's true, well… I'll trust your judgment on it anyway."

"Thanks, Erica… It looks like Matt is ready to head out now too. So I'll let you go, and we'll see you in a bit." Smiling to myself, I followed Matt down the hallway.

"Yeah, I'll see you soon. Thanks again."

-click-

As the call ended, I grabbed my briefcase off the floor and peeked into the living room. Bell was sitting alone on the couch in his pajamas with a blanket on top, and a movie paused on the TV. Was he watching that with Matt? The two of them seem to get along better when I'm not around. If that's the case, I feel kind of bad for interrupting them. But recovering our work is more important, and since Charles won't be helping us, Matt is definitely coming with me.

"Hey, James. You're up earlier than I expected. What's happening?" Bell smiled as he waved me into the living room.

"Ah, Erica called about work. Something came up, so Matt and I are heading to her place to help fix it." Taking a step into the living room to explain the situation, I held up my briefcase for Bell to see.

"Oh…" Bell's smile faded.

"Are the two of you going to be out most of today, then?"

"Yeah, it sounds like it. Depending on how bad things are, we might not be back until tomorrow." Shaking my head in exasperation, I looked up at Bell again.

"Ah… well, good luck with that. I've enjoyed having the two of you here with me these last few weeks, but I guess your vacation is coming to an early end." Looking regretful, Bell glanced at the TV.

"I'm glad you feel that way. Trust me. I'm not happy about it, either. But don't look so sad. I'm sure we'll find time to do something together again soon." Smiling back, I waved goodbye and began to walk toward the door.

"Yeah… see you." Bell's reply echoed down the hallway after me.

Putting my shoes on and grabbing a coat, I felt unnaturally comfortable leaving for work wearing a hoodie and athletic pants. I'm sure Erica doesn't care about the business casual attire expected at the office, but will I be ok showing up to her place looking like this? Trying to remember what everyone wore to the dinner party here months ago and to the aquarium last week, I can't decide if I need to change my clothes quickly before leaving. Glancing at Matt, I see his fleece jacket and dress pants combination is not much better than what I'm wearing.

"Are you ready?" Standing next to the front door and holding onto its handle, Matt looked back at me.

"...Yeah"

As he opened the door, a bitter gust of winter air rushed into the apartment, and the two of us stepped outside. Maybe it's because the nights are longer, but I always forget how bright it can get outside this time of year. Closing my eyes and wincing in pain, I looked away from the snow reflecting sunlight off the ground. Luckily there doesn't seem to be a breeze today, so I don't have to worry about my ears getting too cold without a hat. Locking the door behind me, I turned around to see Matt pointing at Charles' apartment.

"Is Charles coming too? I don't know why I expected him to be waiting out here like normal."

"No, we decided to try and recover everything without bothering him if possible. But if the situation looks bad, we can call and ask him to work remotely." Shaking my head, I shoved the apartment key into my briefcase.

"Is Erica ok with that?" Matt's eyebrows furrowed in disbelief as we made our way to the station.

"Yeah"

"And you're ok with that? You know we'll end up having to do more work..."

"Yeah"

"...Ok then" Seeming to accept my acceptance, Matt paused his interrogation, and the two of us continued to walk together in silence.

With the sun overhead melting the snow on the ground, the sidewalks were clear of everything but ice. It had not been cold enough to snow for several days so that probably helped too. Although it makes for a bleaker landscape as the little snow left behind becomes dirty. Looking at the ground to avoid slipping, the ice cracked softly beneath my feet, indicating that it was safe to walk on without much worry. It's supposed to get colder tonight, so I wonder if the refreeze will make our trip home more dangerous.

-beep… beep-

"There is almost no one here." Scanning our passes and entering the subway, Matt looked around the empty terminal.

"Well, it is the middle of the day in a residential area." Pulling out my phone, I glanced back and forth between Erica's directions and a map on the wall.

"It looks like we need to go two stops further than normal, but she lives near the station."

"Oh? That's not too bad. I thought we might end up having to change lines." Walking beside me, Matt dragged his finger across the map to our destination.

"Maybe an extra 10, 20 minutes?"

"Maybe." Shaking my head and turning to face the tracks, I put my phone back in my pocket.

As our train pulled into the station, Matt and I boarded and sat down. Sighing, Matt closed his eyes and leaned his head back. To be honest, I was planning on resting as well, but I can't risk both of us falling asleep and overshooting our stop. Looking past him and out the window, the city flew by in a blur. And in what felt like no time at all, the train was leaving our normal stop downtown. Pulling out my phone once more, I texted Erica that we were on the train and would be at her place soon. Shifting my gaze to Matt sleeping, I was embarrassingly reminded of what happened during the movie I watched with Callie. That window can't be comfortable, but at least he didn't fall asleep with his head on my shoulder or, worse, my head on his.

"Ah!" Flinching in pain, Matt put his hand on his head as the train pulled abruptly into our stop.

"Pffft. I guess I don't need to wake you up. This is our stop, though." Holding in my laughter, I grabbed my bag off the floor and stood up.

"It's not that funny. I hit my head pretty hard there." Hastily collecting himself, Matt followed me off the train.

"It is if I've experienced the same thing before." Grinning, I turned to look back at him.

"Are you alright?"

"...Yeah"

Stepping out of the station, we were greeted with the sight of worn-down apartments and dozens of scattered small businesses. Reading Erica's address to Matt, the two of us began walking down the street to find her building. Compared to the area surrounding our apartment, the architecture here is much older and less spacious. Although that probably has something to do with our place being within walking distance of the college. Since that part of the city frequently gets updated and renovated to draw in more students.

"Right there." Turning a corner, Matt pointed his arm at an apartment building across the street.

"Wow, that is close to the station. Must be nice this time of year." Quickly scanning the street for traffic, I began to cross.

"I guess, but I imagine foot traffic gets bad here during typical commuting hours. That could be why she always arrives at the office early, to avoid getting caught in a morning rush." Running to catch up with me, Matt raised his voice.

"Maybe…"

"Alright… 3012, this is it." As we walked up the stairs to her apartment, I checked Erica's address again before knocking on the door.

-thunk-

"I'll be right there!" Shouting from inside the apartment, Erica's voice rang out among the muffled sound of something metallic dropping on the floor.

"What is she doing in there?" Taking a step backward, Matt moved further behind me.

-click-

"James! Matt! Thank you for coming over to help on such short notice." Unlocking the door and swinging it open, Erica invited us inside.

"Don't worry about it."

Nodding and stepping inside, I removed my shoes and entered the living room. Smaller than our apartment, Erica's seems to be made for only one or two people. The kitchen and living room open into each other, and a hallway leads back to what I assume is a bedroom and bathroom. Glancing around, I see her coffee table and kitchen counter look almost barren compared to the mess currently occupying our home. I wonder if it always looks this clean or if she tidied everything up before we arrived. Thinking back to the panic before the dinner party at our place, it wouldn't surprise me. Facing the entrance to wait for Erica, I see multiple opened boxes of empty beer cans near the front door. The metallic sound from earlier must have been her setting one of those down.

"Ah… there isn't enough space at the counter, is there?" Walking up behind me, Erica entered the living room.

"Where do you usually work at from home?" Hanging his coat up on a rack next to the door, Matt looked at Erica.

"I have a desk in my bedroom… but we might have to sit around the coffee table to work in the same room."

"That should be fine. It looks more than big enough to use our laptops on." Walking to the center of the room, I sat on the floor and began setting up my computer.

"Yeah, that should work." Moving to join me, Matt nodded in agreement.

"Ah… I feel bad having you sit on the floor. Do you want pillows or anything? I'm sorry." Sitting across from me and shifting uncomfortably, Erica looked like she was about to panic.

Glancing up from my laptop, only now do I notice how bad the situation seems to be affecting her. From beneath a shallow facade of empathetic concern, her weary eyes illuminated with frantic anxiety over something minor. Wearing a hoodie with sweatpants, slippers, and hair let down, this is the most casual I've ever seen Erica dress. Not that what I'm wearing is any better, but knowing how she already shows up to the office riding the line, this would get her in actual trouble. Even if it's not my first choice, working while sitting on a carpeted floor isn't that big of a deal. Although, I don't think Erica will stop worrying about it, even if I tell her that. Being nervous about our project seems to be amplifying her concerns with other smaller problems, creating a negative feedback loop. The only way to truly fix a situation like this and feel better is to simply start grinding away at the problem itself.

"I think I'm ok, but thanks." Smiling, I pointed at my laptop.

"I just connected to the VPN. Could you show me what needs to be redone?"

"Oh, sure." Standing up, Erica walked around the table and sat behind me.

"May I drive?"

"Yeah." Sliding to the right, I moved out of the way as Erica inched forward and took over my laptop.

Leaning in from the left, Matt quietly watched Erica check out and open multiple files to show what had been corrupted. It looks like everything completed during our last day before vacation was not properly backed up and is now lost. Not everyone does it, but we are supposed to check our files in at the end of each workday and resynchronize the system every morning to prevent losses like this from happening. We must have gotten so caught up in finishing our project on time that doing so slipped our minds. Several things will need to be redone, but given that we have already completed this work once, it should be substantially easier to go through it again. I don't see any reason why the three of us can't have everything wrapped up by the end of the night.

"It looks like we only lost one day's worth of work. The three of us can recover from this easily." Pulling away from my computer, I turned to Erica and Matt.

"Are you sure? We need to have this completed before returning to the office on the 11th. So if things start looking bad along the way, we're already out of time." Backing away from my laptop, Erica sounded uneasy.

"Let's chip away at it for a bit and see how we feel after a few hours. If things still look bad, we can always call Charles for more help." Turning to his own laptop, Matt began checking out files he had previously worked on.

"Yeah… ok." Sighing, Erica stood up and moved back to the other side of the table.

Looking at my computer once more, I collected myself and started grinding away to the ambient sound of keyboard clicks and a distant fan in the background. Upon opening each file, a wave of recognition rushed over me as I immediately remembered what needed to be completed. Is recognizing the answers to previously solved problems the same as revisiting a memory, or am I simply memorizing the answers subconsciously? Either way, I am coming to an understanding of what needs to be done much quicker than the first time around. Slowly losing sense of the world around me, my right hand began to drift away from my mouse, planting itself firmly on the keyboard as I used hotkeys and macros to complete each file without pausing to click. Sometimes I wonder if rewiring my brain to function like this has caused damage in some way, but having the ability to cut corners and save time is helpful often enough. Resting my eyes each time I finish a file, I pause to glance around the room and look out the window. By now, the sun has almost set, and the atmosphere in the apartment has become slightly more relaxed. With the three of us periodically moving around the table to ask a question or give help, despite the stressful situation, I can't help but feel comfortable working together in sync.

-grrr-

"Huh?" Looking up from my laptop, I glanced at Matt and Erica across the table.

"That was me. I haven't eaten anything yet today, sorry…" Placing a hand over her stomach, Erica looked away sheepishly.

"Don't worry about it. I've been so focused I didn't even realize how late it's gotten." Leaning back and stretching, I yawned.

"Well, it sounds like it's a good time for us to eat dinner. I can run somewhere nearby to grab takeout for everyone." Pulling out his phone, Matt started searching for restaurants in the area.

"There's a decent Chinese restaurant I go to sometimes." Pointing at the map on Matt's phone, Erica suggested a place only a few blocks away.

"That sounds good. What do you normally get?" Closing his laptop, Matt stood up and started getting ready to leave.

"Sweet and sour chicken with broccoli and white rice."

"That sounds good. James, what about you?" Putting his coat and shoes on, Matt called to me from the entryway.

"Uh… sesame seed chicken with lo mein." Thinking back to the last time I had Chinese takeout, I recalled my order from memory.

"Alright, I'll be heading out then. Someone will need to lock the door and let me back in." Waving goodbye as he stepped outside, Matt quickly shut the door behind himself.

"Thanks…" As she waved back, Erica's voice trailed off.

"Wow, it got cold fast. The door was only open for a second." Sitting back up, I looked across the table at Erica.

"I think he was trying to stop that from happening." Standing up and walking over to lock the door, Erica pointed to the couch behind her.

"If you want, there's a blanket on the sofa. But the heat rising from apartments below usually warms this place up quickly."

"Oh? That must be nice in the winter. Our apartment isn't high enough for that to happen." Pressing my hand on the floor, I felt the carpet return a faint warmth.

"Yeah, I typically don't have to turn on the heater unless I want to in the winter." Making her way back to the table and picking up her laptop, Erica placed it next to mine.

"I've just about finished my files and will start working on the ones assigned to Charles soon. So instead of constantly moving around the table to ask questions, I'll sit on this side if that's ok."

"Sure."

As she sat down to my right, Erica began checking in her files and synchronizing the system multiple times. Despite each sync sending a ping to everyone online, I can't blame her for clogging up my notifications. I still save two times before closing a game just to make sure it happened. Losing this work and having to redo it a third time would be devastating. With the temperature in the room slowly rising, I felt her heat radiating from beside me. Trying not to think about that, I returned to my work and quickly became absorbed in it again. If the three of us can continue at this pace throughout the night, we will easily have everything done with time to spare. Stopping to check in a completed file, I glanced at Erica's screen as she parsed through some of Charles' work. Despite saying she would ask for help, the two of us sat in silence for what felt like forever.

"Hey, James…" Hesitantly dropping her hands from the keyboard, Erica called my name.

"What's up?" Quickly finishing what I was typing, I turned to look at her laptop.

"I just wanted to thank you for helping me… I'm not sure where I would be right now without you. Every time things start looking impossible, you help us push through…" Avoiding eye contact, Erica stared at the coffee table.

"It's not that big of a deal. I'm just doing what I can, the same as everyone else." Losing my train of thought, I stopped typing and placed my hands on the table.

"Well… It makes a difference that matters. Otherwise, I wouldn't have noticed." Reaching forward, Erica grabbed my hand.

-knock knock knock-

"That must be Matt." Squeezing my hand and letting go, Erica repositioned her laptop across the table.

"Yeah…" Stunned by what just happened, I watched her get up and walk over to the door.

Did she move across the table just to thank me? What was she going to say next if Matt didn't knock on the door? What was I going to say in response? A flood of questions rushed through my mind as I hastily checked to see if my hand was sweaty. Sure, I've become more motivated in the last few months, but I don't think I've done anything to set myself apart from the rest of our team. Despite that, Erica said my effort is making a difference or at least helping her. I wonder if anyone else feels the same way. Even if I'm not doing anything special, I guess it doesn't hurt for people to think I am. Trust in coworkers is what keeps people going in emergencies.

"Wow, it got dark outside fast. I wasn't even gone for a half hour." Stepping into the apartment, Matt thanked Erica and quickly closed the door behind himself.

"The temperature dropped below freezing when the sun set." Looking at the forecast on my taskbar, the frigid air Matt let in unfroze me.

"Yeah, that feels about right." Shaking his head, Matt walked into the living room.

"It's a good thing you weren't out long then." Replying from the kitchen, Erica started running the sink.

"Well, hopefully, this should warm us up." Joining me on the ground, Matt pulled food out of the takeout bag.

"Here you… go!" Lowering herself carefully, Erica placed three glasses of water on the table.

"Thank you." Handing us our meals, Matt popped his to-go box open, and the smell of fried chicken filled the room.

"Did the two of you get the same thing?" Comparing Matt's meal to mine, Erica laughed.

"It's a good choice." Shrugging, Matt took a bite of lo mein.

"It is good. Thanks for picking it up, Matt." Sticking my fork into the box upright, I took a sip of water.

"Don't worry about it. It was a good excuse to take a break and stretch my legs." Smiling, Matt reopened his computer and logged back into the system.

"Ahh… I was so focused on working that I ignored eating and ended up forgetting that I was hungry." Shaking her head, Erica mixed her rice and chicken together.

"Well, it's important we take care of ourselves. Otherwise, we won't be able to work at all." Looking up, Matt took his coat off and placed it on the floor.

"mhm" Nodding in agreement, I pushed my mouse to stop my computer from going to sleep.

"Speaking of work. I've completed my files and have started on some of Charles'. How are you both feeling on time?" Glancing between us, Erica sat her food on the table.

"I think we are on pace to have everything done early tomorrow morning." Clicking between tabs on his laptop, Matt glanced at me to confirm what he was saying.

"For sure. I'll be done with my items in a couple of hours, and then I can move on to help with what's left." Scrolling through our list of shared files, I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

"I guess the three of us can handle it after all." Smiling, Erica sat back up at her computer.

"I guess so…" Matt's voice trailed off, and the room fell silent once more.

I wonder if he's still doubtful of our choice not to call Charles. It's an understandable worry, especially now that it's getting late. Expecting someone to pick up the phone at night during vacation is unreasonable. But I'm not too concerned since Erica is here. As a senior, she should be able to handle anything assigned to anyone else on the team. Pausing to eat between thoughts, my drowsiness faded away. I would probably be heading to bed soon if we weren't working now. Funny how, despite agreeing we should take care of ourselves, everyone is okay with disregarding sleep and working through the night. I guess that's the price we pay for attempting this without Charles. Regardless, the only way out is through. Focusing on the file in front of me, I slowly began chipping away at the project again. Interrupted by the occasional synchronization notification or lull between checking out files, the hours on my taskbar flew by. I don't want to think about how much still needs to be completed. The answer to that question might discourage me, but I at least know we are keeping pace.

"Zzz…"

"Hmm?" Glancing up from my computer, I saw Erica resting her head on the table.

"Is she…" Pausing apprehensively, Matt turned to me in disbelief.

"It looks like it. Keep your voice down so you don't wake her." Speaking softly, I scrolled through our project drive to see what remained.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. She's just about completed all of Charles' files. Most of what's left is yours and mine anyway."

"Ok then." Sighing, Matt looked at Erica and stood up.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, but she's going to get cold like that." Walking over to the couch, Matt grabbed the blanket Erica had offered me earlier and draped it over her.

"Well, we only have an hour, or two left anyway. I'd like to wrap this up so everyone can sleep in their beds instead of on the floor." Shaking my head, I watched Matt sit back down.

"That would be nice. We'll have the whole day to rest before heading back to the office tomorrow." Smiling, Matt checked in one of his files.

"For sure."

"Speaking of work, how are you feeling about it?" Turning to face me again, Matt's expression became serious.

"What do you mean?" Laughing under my breath, I answered his question with my own.

"I mean, how do you feel about working at this job long term? Do you still hate it?" Looking me in the eyes, Matt clarified himself.

"Oh…"

Taking a moment to think of a response, I leaned away from my laptop. When everyone started working on the new schedule to meet our project deadline, I almost forgot about applying to med school. Does that mean part of me has finally accepted this career as a possible future? Maybe. I can see myself working on projects like this and feeling accomplished doing so. Would I still feel the same if we don't meet tomorrow's deadline? I think I would. I like the people I'm working with now, but what if I wasn't working with them? Is the job itself fulfilling or enjoyable? Do I still hate it?

"I don't hate it, but I don't know if I like it. I've found happiness, but it's not from the work itself. So I could probably find that at any other job with the right people." Piecing together my thoughts, I answered Matt.

"Have you ever thought about why you disliked the job to begin with?" Taking a sip of water, Matt set his glass down carefully.

"Yeah, we are overworked and understaffed. You've been here long enough to know that."

"That's not a situation unique to this company, though. You'll encounter the same problems in any field. Is this job awful, or did you hate it because it's not what you originally wanted?"

"I-"

"If you truly dislike this job, wouldn't you have tried applying elsewhere by now? Would you really be going out of your way to work extra over vacation?" Raising his hand to stop me from cutting in, Matt finished asking his questions.

"You are probably right, Matt." Sighing, I glanced at Erica.

"I don't hate this job. Maybe I never did. What I hate is the idea of throwing away my dreams and the effort I put into achieving them. I'm scared to consider this career as one I'm willing to take."

"Only you can decide what path is right for you. But try not to get hung up on past goals, or you may end up throwing away everything you've achieved in the present." Seemingly content with my answer, Matt turned back to his laptop.

Throwing away what I've achieved in the present. Have I achieved anything worth saving, to begin with? I guess I've built up relationships and trust with others around me, cementing myself as a core part of our team. That's not something I want to lose for nothing. Even if I'm scared to consider this job seriously, it's not a prospect I can continue to ignore. There is always the possibility I'll never get accepted into med school, a fear I know all too well. But I've found fulfillment elsewhere, and disregarding that would be nothing short of throwing it away. Where does that end? When I give up or am faced with neither option left before me? That's not a future I want to envision, but it's the one I'm walking right into. Pursuing this career doesn't have to mean settling for less or giving up on my dreams.

"I don't hate this job. I've grown fond of the work I do and have been able to find meaning through it." Speaking carefully, I paused to format my thoughts.

"Mhm" Looking at me again, Matt interjected to show he was listening.

"The future I've been aiming for isn't currently in reach, but another path has opened in its place. This career isn't what I envisioned for myself, but it's not something I want to throw away, either. It's a future I can happily pursue, so I should accept that happiness as I move toward it." Coming to my conclusion, I turned to Matt for his answer.

"Absolutely! If you move forward confidently and accept the happiness you've found, you might come to enjoy this job more than you would any other." Matt beamed back at me.

"That might be a bit of a stretch."

"Don't be so sure. Only time and your feelings will tell, but this could be the correct path for you." Nodding in acknowledgment, Matt seemed unable to disguise his happiness.

"Maybe… but then what sets this job apart? Surely I can find happiness in any job, so how can I be sure it's truly genuine, to begin with? What makes this job worth pursuing?" Thinking out loud, I stared out the window once more.

"I think it's important to look for happiness in whatever job you have, and if there is truly none, then to move on. Of course, that's not the only thing to prioritize, and a lot of what makes something enjoyable is out of your control. But the mere fact that you can find pride and happiness in something, enough to want to chase it, proves it's what you genuinely desire." Responding thoughtfully to my ill-considered questions, Matt shifted to look out the window with me.

"... thanks, Matt."

"Don't worry about it. I'm only giving you my opinion, so don't take it as truth just because it comes from me. I can't know what's best for you, and neither can Bell. You might be happier in a different unconsidered career for all we know. What's important in the end is that you confront whatever path you find yourself on earnestly." Admitting his uncertainty, Matt spoke sincerely, turning his beliefs into advice that embodied the essence of his ideology.

"Yeah... I'm still unsure what I want to do, but I'm figuring that out. I don't feel lost working here anymore." Feeling confident in my ability to move forward, I nodded in agreement.

"Speaking of work… we should start wrapping things up." Aimlessly clicking his mouse, Matt sighed.

"Yeah, one last push, and we'll be done."

Clicking through my files, everything seemed to fall in place as I addressed any remaining issues. Despite working on this for almost 11 hours, I don't feel burned out. Is that because I'm enjoying what I'm doing? I don't know. I'd rather be sleeping right now, but time isn't dragging like it normally does when I want to go home. Checking in the last of our work, Matt and I began to look through what was left of Charles'. Maybe it was because Erica took on the more difficult items or because Matt and I were working through them together, but the two of us finished everything in what felt like no time at all. As the rising sun peaked through the apartment window, we finally completed the project once more.

"There we go!" Celebrating as we synchronized the system, I gave Matt a high five.

"hmm… oh, shit!" Stirring across the table, Erica woke up in shock.

"I guess we woke you up there." Matt chuckled.

"How long was I out for?" Brushing her hair back, Erica looked away in embarrassment.

"A couple of hours, but good news, we just finished everything." Smiling, I pointed at my laptop.

"Ahh, I feel bad. I asked you both to come over and help, not to do the work for me." Logging back into the system, Erica sounded concerned.

"It's not a big deal. I'm just happy it's done." Waving my hand, I yawned.

"For sure. We'll have the rest of the day to catch up on sleep anyway." Matt nodded in agreement.

"That's true…" Clicking through the project drive, Erica looked relieved.

"We made sure to back it up this time too." Leaning back, Matt closed his eyes.

"Don't even get me started." I laughed nervously.

"No, yeah. By the way, thanks for the blanket, James." Looking up from her computer, Erica smiled at me.

"Oh, I-"

"He tried not to wake you up." Cutting me off mid-sentence, Matt opened his eyes and winked at me.

"That's thoughtful. I just wish I could have done more." Shaking her head, Erica flagged the last file for management and closed her laptop.

"That's everything?" Matt looked at Erica.

"That's everything. Thank you, I couldn't have completed this without the two of you."

"Don't worry about it. I'm sure you would have done the same thing for us." Standing up, I began packing my briefcase and making sure I had all my belongings.

"Absolutely."

"Well… I guess we'll see you at the office tomorrow then." Walking toward the entrance, Matt looked over his shoulder at Erica.

"Yes, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks, Erica." Waving goodbye, I joined Matt at the door.

"Thank you both. You're welcome to drop by any time." Smiling, she waved back as we stepped outside and closed the door behind us.

Met with an overcast sky and subtle breeze, the muted sunrise gleamed off a fresh layer of snow coating the ground. Matt and I walked in silence as we retraced our path back to the station. I guess after our conversation earlier, we have nothing left to say. Listening to the sound of shops opening around us, I felt excited for tomorrow and exhausted from the effort we put in today. I wonder if I can feel this sensation of relief and satisfaction every day after work. Scanning our passes and entering the subway, a wave of drowsiness washed over me. We're probably too tired to hold a conversation anyway. Stepping onto our train as it whistled to a stop, we managed to find an open pair of seats.

"If I remember correctly, you slept on the way here. So now it's my turn." Setting my briefcase between my legs, I leaned back to relax.

"Alright, I'll wake you up when it gets to our stop." Pulling out his phone, Matt began to scroll through his feed.

Closing my eyes, I felt the train pick up speed as it departed from the station. I'm afraid a short nap after staying up all night will tire me more on the walk home. It might feel that way when I wake up groggy and fatigued, but I'm sure getting some sleep must be better than none. Not that it matters, I don't think I have the willpower to stay awake much longer, even if I wanted to. Exhausted, I quickly lost sense of the world around me as I was pulled into slumber.

"Hey, James, we're here." Speaking softly, Matt tapped my leg.

"Mhh… thanks. Ah!" Opening my eyes, I realized where I had fallen asleep.

"Is my shoulder that comfortable?" Laughing, Matt grabbed his briefcase and stood up.

"More comfortable than hitting my head on the window, that's for sure." Stepping off the train, I grinned at him.

"Uh huh, just make sure you don't do that to a stranger by accident."

"Yeah, I need to be more careful…"

Exiting the subway, we continued to talk about meaningless things. A conversation without direction or a point to be made, as if nothing was left to discuss but the humor of our unending every day. Pulling an all-nighter for work should probably be putting me in a worse mood. Last fall, I know it would have. Although back then, I refused to make small talk with Matt or Bell regardless of the situation. Yet in this moment, I can't help but reminisce about everything we've been through together. I don't know if they influenced me or if I discovered something myself, but somehow it feels like everything is different without anything changing around me. How can someone's presence alter your perspective so much?

"You think he's still up?" Climbing the stairs to our apartment, I yawned.

"It wouldn't surprise me, but I guess we'll find out." Shrugging, Matt pulled out his keychain and unlocked the door.

"Looks like it." Stepping inside, I waved down the hallway at Bell.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Hanging his coat up, Matt sounded mystified.

"Yeah, but when I woke up, and you still weren't back… I got a bit worried. I hope everything worked out." Sounding nervous, Bell walked toward us.

"Mhm, nothing to worry about. Thanks, Bell." Stepping out of my way, Matt reassured him.

"Well, that's good news." Sighing, Bell followed us to the living room.

"For sure. We managed to fix everything with time to spare, and along the way, I got over my fear of giving up on med school." Nodding in agreement, I collapsed on the couch.

"Huh?" Bell shook his head in confusion.

"I've found happiness and fulfillment at work, so I'm going to start approaching this career earnestly. Just because it isn't what I originally wanted doesn't mean I can't enjoy it."

"Oh… That's good. I'm happy for you." Staring down at his hand, Bell smiled while rotating it back and forth.

"Not yet." Placing a hand on his shoulder, Matt seemed to reassure Bell.

"Is everything alright?" I glanced between the two of them.

"Yeah, it's nothing. Do you want to watch something together?" Bell picked up the TV remote and sat beside me on the couch.

"I'm going to head to bed since I've been up all night, and we have work tomorrow." Yawning, Matt turned the corner into the hallway.

"That's probably a good idea. We can watch a movie another day if that's alright, Bell." Standing up, I began to follow Matt out of the room.

"Sure… I hope you both sleep well."

Entering my bedroom, the sound of the TV in the background faded. It's a good thing I can't hear that if we are going to try and sleep through the day. Although, after staying up this long, I'm probably tired enough to dream through a fire alarm. I'm sure Bell would wake us if that went off, or we somehow overslept tomorrow morning. Putting away my work stuff, I climbed into bed and turned off the lights. Reflecting on everything that happened today, it's almost too much to process. All I'm left with are feelings of warmth, longing, and accomplishment. I don't think my bed has ever felt this good before. Closing my eyes, the built-up emotions and stress dissolved into faded memory as I gave in to exhaustion.