Chapter 9: Loss

Drew didn't show up at lunch, which made me really happy. I know it shouldn't have but it did. It meant I didn't have to face him.

It was a blur after lunch. Trig went by too quickly and sociology as well. I didn't put any thought into Casey and her girls' sneers as I walked through the halls and all over campus. I was too preoccupied to care. Things seemed to be falling apart around me. I knew it wasn't true but that's what it felt like.

After I dropped my stuff off at the room and changed clothes, I headed to the stables. I needed to ride.

Kaia was waiting on me as I brought the English saddle out of the tack room. Mrs. Lewis, the equestrian club's sponsor, was brushing my mare while humming a special tune she saved for the horses. She turned to me as I was pulling on my gloves.

"Seems you're too agitated to stay away anymore," she said with a smile. She knew me better than most teachers here.

"Is it safe for me to ride?" I asked.

"As long as you stay on the trail, you should be fine."

I nodded my thanks and began saddling my mare. She whickered and tossed her head happily, stomping in place. Once she was saddled, I took her reins and led her out the back door. When I was clear of the door, I swung up into the saddle.

It felt good to be in the saddle once again. My heart seemed to calm down as Kaia took the familiar path. She was surefooted as she walked in the snow.

My head started to swim with the thoughts of my friends and family.

My dad had sucked up his pride to send me here. I left him alone with my horrid, gold-digging stepmother. I knew he had said he was fine but I felt like I let him down. I was going to call him when I got back to the dorm.

Beca was my best friend and now a knight. It was an interesting mix because one moment she was very feminine and the next she was a warrior princess. When she leapt over me that day in the cafeteria, I realized I had her unyielding support.

Parker was my faithful warrior. Even though he had a rocky start, he was quickly becoming one of the most trusted. I felt as if I could tell him something and he would keep it secret. He would make a girl really happy someday.

Darren was my mighty king. He had been very accepting of me from the first day I arrived. That still meant a lot to me. Now he was my unofficial boyfriend. (I hadn't acknowledged it yet and I didn't know how that was going to go anyway.) I had a funny feeling he was going to do something I was going to get mad about but I'd deal with that when it came.

Drew was my hardest one to pin. He cherished Beca and picked on her brother. He didn't allow his disability to hinder him. But tonight he had been MIA and this morning I saw something flash in his eye that had scared me. My heart still pounded when I thought about it. I just needed to get under his skin a little better.

I stopped Kaia at the lake, staring out over its glassy surface. It was pristine and looked as if it had been untouched. As I looked at it closely I could see the scratch marks from the blades of ice skates. Every place of this school had been touched by someone or something, making the winter wonderland a trampled wonderland.

"What should I do, Kaia?" I asked my horse as she made the circle back to her warm stall. She tossed her head, her signal that she didn't know. I sighed. "You're no help."

We got back to the stable. I brushed her down after taking her saddle off and feeding her. It was very calming, soothing my soul with each stroke of the brush. When she was content, I stepped out of her stall.

I took my time going back to my dorm. Beca would be there and I just didn't want to see anyone. I had nothing against them. I just needed to figure things out on my own.

Autopilot took over once more as I walked the familiar path. What was I going to do with Drew? Why had he reacted that way? I had only told the truth. I wouldn't have thought anything about it if he had showed up for lunch or not missed dinner.

I got to the door of my room and stopped. My feet had taken me here automatically. Might as well go in. I heard people talking quietly inside. I couldn't hear what they were saying but I knew the voices. Darren, Parker, and Drew were in the room with Beca.

When I opened the door, I was surprised to see the headmaster standing in the middle of the room. Everyone looked at me. The looks on their faces were some I had never seen before. I knew something was up.

"Hey, guys," I said, not really knowing what to say with the heavy mood.

Simon looked at the others in the room. He opened his mouth to speak when Beca flew at me.

"I'm so sorry!" she wailed as her arms enclosed me so hard I couldn't breathe.

I squirmed to get out. "Beca, what's wrong with you?"

"Maddie," I looked to Simon, not liking his tone at all. "I just got a call from your grandparents. It seems your father was in a car accident."

My vision blurred suddenly. "Is he okay?" No one answered my question so I took another step in the room. "Is he okay?"

"No, Maddie, he's not."

"Where is he?" Once again silence followed my question. "Where… Is… He?!"

"He's dead, Maddie," Darren whispered so low I didn't catch it.

I whirled on him. "What did you say?"

He lifted his head and looked me dead in the eye and said, "Your father died in the

car accident. He's not okay."

I stared at him as silence reined around me. My father, the only one I could truly count on, was dead? It wasn't possible. So I turned to Simon for the lie, begging for it so I could call them out on this sick joke. His eyes were soft and moist.

"No." I backed towards the door as I shook my head. "No, you're lying."

"You of all people should know we're not. Your father was driving to work when a car ran into him. They hit the guard rail. Your father's car flipped three times before I landed on the hood. He was announced DOA," Darren said.

The sad thing was he was telling the truth. No matter how hard I denied it, it was all true. My father was dead but I wasn't giving up.

My lip quivered as I tried to hold in my emotions. I took a deep breath and tamped down on them. I pulled my cell phone out of the pocket of my discarded blazer and dialed my grandmother. She picked up on the first ring.

"Maddie?" the older woman said.

"Yes, Grandma, it's me," I replied.

She sighed. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I called your cell and you didn't answer. I tried to call you but they said you were out."

"I was out riding so I left my phone in my room." I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the next answer. "Is it true, Grandma? Is Daddy really gone?"

My grandmother's voice caught as she sobbed on the other end. That was my answer. I heard shuffling as she passed the phone over to my grandfather.

"Maddie?"

"Hey, Grandpa."

"It's true, sweetheart. Bill is dead. He didn't suffer, honey." I nodded even though I knew he couldn't see it. I wasn't going to cry. I had to be strong. "Maddie, is there anything you want us to do?"

"Get Daddy's will from the wall safe. It has everything in it on how he wants his funeral."

"Will you be here for it?"

For him to ask that question really hurt me. I was not missing my own father's funeral for school. I was his only daughter, his only child, and I was going to be there. It just took me a while to answer.

"Yeah, Grandpa. I'll be there. Just get his will, would you?"

"Yes, baby. I will. You take care of school and we'll handle the arrangements. We'll send a car for you and anyone who wishes to join you."

"Thanks. I'll see you in a couple of days."

"Okay. Bye, sweetie."

"Bye, Grandpa." I hit the end button and set the phone on the table. "He's really gone."

Darren took a step towards me. "Maddie…"

I shook my head then brushed past them all. "I need some space." I left the room, slamming the door as I went.

~~~~~~~

When I roused myself from my numbness, I noticed it was past midnight. I left the warmth and comfort of the stables and made my way back. I didn't want to go back to my dorm. Beca was sure to be there and I didn't want to deal with her hysterics at the moment. She was sure to be bawling her eyes out with her big crocodile tears and I couldn't deal with that. I hadn't cried yet but that wasn't unusual since I hadn't shed any tears in eleven years. So for the time being, I had to find a place to stay where no one would say too much.

As I walked, I noticed my feet had minds of their own. By the time I realized where I was, I was knocking on Darren's fifth floor dorm. It should have taken less time than it did for the door to fly open but Darren must have been awake. The sight before me told me I was correct. Darren was awake and flustered and I had a feeling it was because of me.

When his eyes focused on who was actually there, he tugged me into a strong hug, backtracking in the room and shutting the door at the same time. I could feel his harsh breath on the top of my head as he held on.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was so harsh. He was your father. You had every right not to believe me," he whispered.

"It's okay," I whispered in reply.

"No, it's not. I should have been more sensitive." I pushed against his chest and he stepped back. "What is it?"

"I don't want to deal with Beca's hysterics. Can I stay here?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course. Bruce stays with Bianca no so we'll have privacy." He flushed instantly. "I don't mean I'm going to take advantage of you. I mean since this is a hard time for you…" He stopped when I held up my hand tiredly.

"I get it. Right now I just want to sleep and forget."

He nodded although he looked concerned then set about gathering clothes for me to sleep in. He turned his back so I could change. I did so quickly then went in the bathroom.

I looked in the mirror. I was a mess. Hay was in my hair and there were dark bags under my eyes. No one would have to tell me that I looked like death warmed over. I knew I did. For the moment, I wouldn't be looking any better even if I did shower and put makeup on.

After brushing my teeth with a borrowed toothbrush, I went back in the room. Darren was slipping into his bed and I stopped.

He looked up and noticed I was standing there like an idiot. He motioned me over. At first I was nervous because he was lying in his bed. That's not what got me at first. It was the fact that he was shirtless and I was suddenly self-conscious. After much thought, I realized I didn't care. He had seen me without my shirt on why was he any different?

I went over and sank into his arms. They enclosed me in warmth. I buried my head in the crook of his neck and inhaled deeply as he pulled the covers over us in a small cocoon.

"Are you okay, Maddie?" I heard him whisper right above my ear.

I shifted so my forehead was pressed against his cheek. "Would you be okay if your last parent just died?" I asked harshly.

"No, I wouldn't even though my parents aren't my birth parents."

I lifted my head to look at him. "You're adopted?"

"Yep, when I was three."

"Does Beca know?"

"Oh, yeah. They made no secrets about it, especially since I came after Beca was born. They made sure I knew I was their son and not just some kid they decided to take in. Beca and I were treated as equals. They never made it known that I was adopted until I needed a passport. I mean my family knew but no one else." He smiled at me as I

continued to look at him. Then he shuffled until we were buried under the covers. Once situated, he pressed his forehead to my temple. "What was your dad like?"

I sighed as happy memories came flooding back. "Amazing. He was a single parent most of my life but he did it all with a smile. The only time I ever heard him yell at me was when I cut myself with the knife at six. He was so scared of losing me." My voice was shaking so bad that I had to take a deep breath.

I felt Darren's lips in my hair. "It's okay to cry, Maddie."

I shuddered at the thought. "I haven't cried since I was six and then that was screaming."

"That's a long time."

"I needed to be strong for my dad; I still do."

"Maddie," His voice was barely above a whisper but I still heard what he said. "He's gone. You don't have to be strong for him anymore." I swallowed hard as I lifted my head. He stared back at me as he rubbed my back through the t-shirt I borrowed.

His next words killed me.

"You don't have to do this alone anymore. Let me be strong for you."

The dam broke as I stared into his bright blue eyes. He continued to stare right back at me even as my eyes grew misty and the tears fell down my cheeks. I buried my face in the warmth of his neck and let loose everything I had been feeling since I came to Union; all the pain, agony, and torture came out with the loneliness I was feeling.

Darren didn't say a word as he held me close to him. By doing that, he cemented himself a place in my heart for the rest of my life. Vaguely I remembered we could get in trouble for this but I didn't care. I needed this distraction; no. I needed Darren to be able to sleep.

And eventually it worked.

But not well.