Guilt For Living… 6B

Two days later, Sawyer in his room, he got the long awaited call from his dad's assistant. Surprisingly, he hadn't thought about any of it since. When Toby called, even he was surprised by his own answer. "I don't know if I'll be there." He had no reason not to be. "Is Tom going?"

"Your father insisted on it." Toby answered. So there was that.

Out of curiosity... "Is there something going on with Tom? Besides the..." he trailed off.

"He's fighting in school." That hit Sawyer in the gut. "Your father gets calls. I don't think he's going to therapy as he should."

Sawyer pressed the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Thanks Toby."

"Call him more often."

There was concern in Toby's voice. Which was rare. "I'll try. Thanks Toby."

He stood up from his bed and went to sit on his chair by the bathroom for no real reason. Fifteen minutes later, Sawyer got a text from Otto. -"We're going out, we're not taking no for an answer." He smiled. Then another came. -"Be ready in 10mins." Sawyer raised his eyebrows, let out a breath, got up from his chair, strolled to the other side of his bed to get to his wardrobe and began looking for what to wear.

He replayed his answer to the main part of Toby's call as he shrugged off one shirt and started wearing the other. There was a possibility he would go back home. Or why else would he say he didn't know when the best answer would have been 'yes' or 'ok'. And still, he couldn't imagine being able to get past the front gate. He heard a bang on his door and nearly jumped out his skin. His ten minutes couldn't be up yet. He rushed to the door as he buttoned up his shirt. As he got closer, he heard cussing, he raised a brow and opened the door.

First thing he saw was one part of a suitcase falling to his feet with the name HANNAH B. on it, then books in the suitcase and on the floor, then a blue back haunched over and then a mess of blonde hair still cussing. He tilted his head, the cussing person's hands packing the books into the suitcase. It seemed unending if this person had been packing them up since he heard the bang. "Need help?"

The voice and words startled her, she jerked and looked up from her bent position and saw him looking down at her. "You scared me."

He smirked. "You first. A bang is a terrifying sound to hear." Apparently she didn't notice he opened the door.

"Oh." She stood up, shut her eyes and shook her head. "Right. I'm sorry." She opened her eyes. "It wasn't closed well and... I was trying and-" She was explaining.

He cut her off. "It clearly fell, it's okay." He looked down at the books, some still on the floor. "Help?" Then back at her.

"Yes please." They bent down at the same time. "I'll arrange them, you just give them to me." He nodded. "I'm Hannah."

"I'm Sawyer." He picked three books at once. Novels and text books.

They worked in silence. And when they were just about done and ready to close the suitcase, "Thank you." Hanna said, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"Sure." The suitcase still didn't close properly.

"I think I can manage to get it outside." He nodded.

Just as she was about to lift the suitcase, "What happened?" Otto's voice got to them.

Sawyer looked back then fully turned to face Otto and Noelle coming towards them. "You're late." Sawyer said.

"That's not the answer to his question." Noelle pointed out. "Hi." She assessed Hannah. "New friend of Sawyer's."

He smirked, "So many things to say." Noelle shrugged.

"Hi, my umm..." Hannah looked down at the suitcase.

"Her suitcase fell, I was helping." Sawyer simplified.

"Yeah." Hannah grabbed the suitcase with both hands. "It was nice me-"

"Don't just stand there boys, help her carry that." Otto and Sawyer looked at each other, then at Noelle. She smiled brightly.

"Oh no. Sawyer already helped and it's just down stairs."

"Then they'll help you take it down stairs. Wouldn't they?"

"Tip us first." Sawyer blurted, Otto laughed.

Noelle's smile wavered. "Not in front of strangers."

"Oh really?" Sawyer glared.

They all seemed to forget Hannah was there, watching their little show.

"By us lunch tomorrow." Otto offered a solution.

"Breakfast." She countered.

Otto shrugged. "Food is food." He walked over and took the suitcase. While Sawyer left them to finished getting dressed and lock up, they all waited. Within which time they introduced themselves to each other.

Five minutes after Sawyer went in, he came back out, ready to go. Both him and Otto carried the heavy suitcase together. "So sorry." Noelle started. "We offered to help you and then we wasted your time."

"She keeps saying we." Otto pointed out. Sawyer scoffed. "So Hannah d-"

"For crying out loud Otto, did you get her name from the suitcase instead of just asking?" Sawyer asked accusingly.

Otto's eyes widened. "What? No. I mean I saw it, you did too I bet. But she told me her name. You were missing for five minutes."

"Oh right."

"For the record," Noelle drew close to her to say, "We all saw it. We just didn't want to seem creepy." She smiled, the boys shared a look, both smirking.

Hannah giggled. "No it's fine."

"As I was saying." Otto glared at Sawyer. "School is still in session for another three weeks, leaving so soon?"

"I'm just sending these home."

"A lot of novels." Sawyer pointed out, they got outside, into the warm night.

"You could borrow some if you want." She offered, waving her arm in the air, one of the cars parked in front honked.

"No thanks." He smiled sharply. "I'm guessing that's the car."

She nodded. Otto and Sawyer went on ahead, leaving her and Noelle walking behind. "Wow." She commented, her eyes on them.

Noelle curiously drew close again, hands clasped behind her back. "Which one?" She was waiting for this from the moment she saw Hannah with Sawyer.

"Both but... Sawyer." She snapped her head in Noelle's direction. "Are you dating-"

"No." She waved her hand. "They are pretty-"

"Very." She corrected.

Noelle chuckled. "So Sawyer then."

"Yes." She bit her lower lip.

They were done with the suitcase and making their way back to them. "This is where we leave you Hannah." Otto pointed out.

"Yes. Thank you bo-"

"Forgive the interruption but, we're more interested in what the B stands for on the suitcase."

"That's our thank you." Sawyer pointed out.

Hannah's heart skipped a beat when Sawyer spoke. Could it be that Sawyer was interested too? Anyone would be curious about the letter though so... "Barbra." She bit her bottom lip, looking from one to the other.

Sawyer nodded and Otto smiled. "Well then, Hannah Barbra." Otto made a point to use it. She blinked once. "It was nice meeting you."

Again Sawyer nodded and the two of them walked over to Noelle, leaving her standing behind them. "You too." She said rather low.

"Bye." Noelle called before talking and walking away with her friends. She couldn't wait till they got far enough away.

And when they did, "Hannah Barbra." Sawyer said cooly. "Very smooth."

"Don't start okay? So, Elle, what did you guys talk about?"

Walking in between them, Noelle slammed her hand on Otto's shoulder, a smile on her face. "Sorry Otto, she chose Sawyer."

Smirking, Sawyer scoffed and adjusted his glasses. The move.

"Oh don't act so smug about it." Otto rolled his eyes. "I was effortlessly charming."

Noelle laughed. "She did say you're hot. Take comfort in that." She turned to Sawyer, his smirk still on his face. "It's crazy that you weren't even trying." He chuckled. "How do you do it?"

"I don't."

"Ohhhh did you hear that? So cool. So... effortless."

"Shut up." Otto said. Noelle and Sawyer laughed.

The forced outing, took them to a party. Sawyer didn't think he was going to be going to a party tonight, either way it didn't matter. They got in and he said hello to the very few people he knew there. Loud music, people everywhere, he got drinks with his friends and found a corner to sit while Noelle and Otto decided to dance. He watched them for more than five minutes before deciding to join them. Before long he was left alone in a crowd of dancing bodies while his friends went in search of more drinks.

He swayed to the music, closing his eyes and letting it wash over him. It was nice to be out. To be among people, his therapist would call it progress that classes and shopping were no longer the only things he did. Good right? Out at a party with no fuss, while his mom will no longer be able to attend such, neither will his sister be able to see her friends again. How dare he be okay with all that?

The question struck him in the heart like a lightning bolt. He clutched his chest and bent forward, suddenly he couldn't breathe. His eyes stung with tears, his body trembled with anger. How is he outside right now? There's nothing good about this and he was dancing? Guilt twisted him, wringing him with no remorse.

"Hey are you alright?" Someone asked, he forgot he was still bent forward. He stood up straight, took in a deep breath and staggered away from the guy kind enough to ask.

"Sawyer! Sawyer!" Noelle called, laughing. "You wouldn't believer this, Otto met this girl and right now they're like going a-" Then she noticed he looked pale. He was still coming towards her, he wasn't looking at her, he pushed past her.

"Hey man, are you okay?" The same guy kind enough to ask. Noelle followed after them.

"Leave me alone." Sawyer said between groans. He wanted to leave, back to his room. His mother's smile flashed in his head, he grimaced.

"Sawyer?" Noelle called.

The guy placed his hand on Sawyer's shoulder, he shrugged it off. "Hey."

"Sawyer?"

He could hear them calling him. But all he thought was how foolish he was to be out. He staggered out of the house. The guy caught him by his shoulders. "Leave me alone. Leave me alone." He muttered. He wanted his mother back. He wanted his sister. He hated this guilt.

The guy and Noelle shared a look. "Sawyer?" Noelle called again, the name carrying concern.

He turned around, eyes red, a scowl on his face. Noelle drew back in shock. "I said leave me alone!" He barked, turned around and kept going.

"Go." Noelle said to the guy. "I'll handle it." She quickly texted Otto.

Why would he be doing things they would never get to do again. Peggy wouldn't get to start much less finish working on her room and his mother... the dresses she must have been working on. He clasped his hand over his forehead and pulled back, sucking in air desperately as he staggered on. He wasn't even drunk. His legs suddenly didn't want to move anymore. He forced himself to get to the side of the building. He rested his back against the wall. Tears streamed down his face, his legs gave out finally. He sank to the ground, stretched out his legs, hitting the back of his head against the wall as he did.

Noelle watched him. The security lights were bright enough for her to see him clearly. How long was she gone for that this happened? What even is this. It didn't take time to figure it out. His heart was breaking again. And that broke hers. She slowly walked up to him. Hoping he wouldn't yell this time. She kept her eyes on him as she approached. He didn't react to her presence. She wanted to help him. To hold him and tell him something encouraging but what? She got close enough, stepped one leg over his two stretched one so that his legs were between hers. She noticed his eyes were closed, she saw the tears on his face. He was still hitting his head against the wall. She dropped to her knees, crawled closer and gently wiped the tears from his right cheek.

His eyes flew open, she expected him to finally yell. His face twisted into hurt, more tears at the ready. The urge was instant. She pulled him by his shoulder into her arms and held him. His tears staining her shirt. Even more surprising to her, he held her tight and she tightened her hold as well, closing her eyes, resting her chin on his soft hair.

Otto was more than surprised when he saw them together. It looked more like a compromising position at first. "Elle?" She slowly turned her head to him and shook it slowly. Now he couldn't help wondering what was going on. He moved closer and she mouthed. "Crying." After a brief moment of confusion, he understood. Without a word, he sat down beside them and placed his hand on his friends back. They stayed there for more than ten minutes. Ignoring everyone that passed by them.

Sawyer forced himself to calm down, still holding onto Noelle. He'd come to a conclusion before hadn't he? His mother wouldn't want him to drop everything. She pushed him to do everything and she would push him to do this too. For her sake. And Peggy can't, so he would for her too. Plus, neither one of them would want him feeling so guilty. And yet he couldn't help feeling so. He would have to try right? For their sake right? For Tom who was fighting in school and his dad who thought therapy would help, right? "Right." Strange, it was his mother's voice and Peggy's smile this time.

Okay. He let go of Noelle, looked up at her then at Otto. "I'm sorry guys."

"No don't be." Noelle said softly. Hoping this wouldn't make him shut himself off from everyone again.

"Yeah, we understand." Otto said, squeezing his shoulder. "Ready to go?" Sawyer nodded. Noelle moves aside and Otto helped him up. They walked him back to his room. Strangely, until they got into his room, Otto didn't even remember they'd met Hannah Barbra. In fact, it was like it never happened.

Once again they spent the entire night in his room. And while they slept, Noelle on the floor and Otto on the bed this time, Sawyer pulled out a new note book he hadn't had the chance to use yet. It was either that or his laptop and as good as he was with his keyboard, writing felt so much more personal. Which is what this was.

~Hi mom, hi Peggy,

I miss you both so so much. And I'm sorry it all happened. Everyone is trying. And I'm trying cause I know you'd want me to. Like with sports and my college applications and every test freak out mom. Like my calls to you Peggy and every time you were a bit annoying. I'm trying. But trying makes me feel so bad. Because you can't anymore. You can't even try. I don't want to feel guilty but I do and I'm sorry. This is different from me just being away in school cause I know I'll never see you again. It hurts everyday. And I want to keep trying and I will keep trying. And I'll push away the guilt. I'll live for you both and for dad and for Tom and for my friends who you both got to see for a few minutes.~ His eyes stung.

~I miss you both so much, I wish I could be with you. I wish you were here with me. I wish it never happened. It's hard not calling you Peggy. It hurts waking up and remembering you're gone mom. I promise, no more guilt. I'll do my best for you both. Because you deserve- ~ He stopped, suddenly struck with an idea, wiping tears from his face and sniffing silently to keep from waking his friends... ~orrr~