I am not ready

*****

This house still looks the same. The decorations are mostly made of wood, unique paintings hanging on the wall above the sofa. The layout of the furniture is still the same as before. It's just that everything seems to have changed color with age. The family photo is still the same, where Rania's father is in there. They will never replace it. For eight years this family never took a family photo again. Only a few photos of Clara and Rania are placed in a small frame on the table. As well as a photo of Allan and Allen when they were in high school.

Rian was busy chatting with the little girl on his lap. Rania and her mother who were sitting next to each other watched with emotion. Clara seemed very familiar with Rian.

"Clara, do you like daddy?"

"Erm… like." The cute girl answered with her signature adorable voice.

"Darling, isn't it?"

"Erm… honey."

"Beautiful… you're so cute, dad also likes Clara, dear Clara… muach!” sweet kiss landed on the plump cheeks again.

Grandma and mother looked at each other. Clara is a child who is difficult to get close to other people. The little girl who was only two years old cried more when approached by strangers. Why is Rian so different? They had not met for thirty minutes, Clara seemed to have known Rian for a long time, they looked very happy.

"Ra...?" Dahlia looks confused.

"Just let it go, Ma ... Clara looks happy with Rian," Rania replied later. "I'll make you a drink first, Mom."

Rania then turned to Rian. "I'll go in for a moment." Rian glanced at him for a moment and nodded slowly.

Before going to the kitchen to make drinks, Rania went to the room for a while to put her things down. When Rania was busy making drinks, Allan and Allen came to her at the same time.

"Sis… have guests?" asked his older brother Allan.

"Yes," said Rania briefly.

"Who?" Allen asked then.

"Rian."

"Rian... it means Rian?" they asked at the same time, then looked at each other. Allen peeked briefly into their living room.

"Lan, that's right, His Rian, let's go out," Allen asked Allan when he returned to the kitchen.

They ran to the living room. Rania turned to watch her twin sisters running. He smiled. It used to be that every time Rian came to play at his house. Allan and Allen are often invited to play together. They are only three years apart in age. Rian became a friend as well as an older brother to the twins.

Their chatter could be heard from the kitchen. Allan and Allen seemed to attack Rian. There was also Clara's angry voice, because suddenly the man who Clara thought was her father was disturbed by her two uncles. Rania shook her head, smiling alone with the atmosphere in her living room, sounding very happy. The family harmony that Rania really liked from the first.

_____

After having lunch together, their fun continues in the garden beside the house. Joking and running around for a bit before Clara went to take a nap. The little girl was put on the shoulder, Rian ran after Allan and Allen. Clara's cheerful laughter rang out as they chased after the twins. Accompanying Clara to play together makes Rian feel addicted. He had never felt this happy before. Even with his own nephew he didn't feel this familiar.

Rian who looks tired leans on the garden bench of the house. Rania who just came out of the room came straight to her. Clara was tired of playing and was now asleep.

"Ri..."

Rian turned and straightened his body and smiled.

"Emm ... honey sit here," he asked, gently patting the empty space next to him.

"Iiiss… what the heck, I'll hear you later," Rania replied, looking at the flower beds in the garden. Various kinds of flowers are planted there. Dahlia really likes flowers.

"Come on, honey, it would be better if mommy just gave our blessing right away."

"What relationship?" he asked shrugging.

"I'm your future husband," he answered confidently.

“Hahaha… you didn't even ask for my approval?” Rania dodged, her gaze returned straight ahead.

Rian furrowed his brows, thinking of the right answer. It was not easy to melt the heart of a Rania.

"Hasn't Clara already called me daddy, so there's no reason for you to run away," he said later.

Rania was silent, lost for words. His gaze was gentle on Rian who leaned back against his body.

"I'm not ready Ri…." The expression on his face was stiff, the tone of his voice sounded like he was harboring disappointment.

Rian returned the gaze. "I'll wait for you, as long as I can, until you come to me yourself and say, 'I'm ready'."

Rania gasped, how could she let Rian suffer like that. She might still love Rian, and that man might be able to make her happy. What Rania is afraid of is the consequences of the decisions she will make later. His heart and mind were at odds, perhaps because he was afraid of failure.

"I'm not sure how long it will take. You'll get tired of waiting."

"No, it won't happen, I have waited for eight years. Even during the wait, I can afford it. This is the beginning of my struggle."

"Ri, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I beg you to understand my situation."

Rian was silent, maybe this was too fast. Why does Rania always avoid? "I'm sorry. It's just that I don't understand, why are you refusing so hard?"

"It's nothing. Thank you for coming and accompanying Clara to play. I need to rest, I'm tired." Without waiting for an answer from Rian, he went back inside.

Rian smiled bitterly, no matter how hard he tried, Rania was still firm in her stance. He bent down propping his elbows on his knees, propping his head in thought.

'Where did it go wrong? Ra, why is your heart so hard? You really don't love me anymore?' Rian thought.

Unintentionally, Dahlia saw the debate from a distance. He was about to clean the kitchen and watched from the window. Rania goes inside with a bit of emotion. Those who passed by just like that, as if not aware of its existence there. Dahlia looked a little worried, she approached Rian who was looking down in thought.

Dahlia sat down, she patted the shoulder which managed to make Rian flinch. "Rian."

Hearing someone say hello, Rian straightened his body and turned his head. "Mom, here?" he asked surprised. Mama's call to Dahlia has become a habit since the first.

"You and Rania had a fight?"

Ryan smiled wryly. "No, Ma. We just had a misunderstanding."

"I know, you don't have to be shy. Tell me if there is something important. I see that there is something between you two." Dahlia immediately guessed, seeing the look on Rian's face and Rania's expression just now. He was sure of his thoughts.

Ryan took a deep breath. "Ma, Rian can I ask you something?" he asked quietly.

"Just ask, son."

"Sorry in advance, Ma. It's about Rania."

"About Rania's past?"

Rian hesitated, afraid if he said the wrong thing. "Sorry, Ma. Rian doesn't want to interfere, but..."

It seems Dahlia understands the real situation. "You still love Rania, right?"

*****