Chapter 8

The number of people had increased drastically compared to when I had left before. There were men in suits and women in gowns and beautiful dresses scattered around the whole venue.

I climbed up the same flowery gate and made my way to where most of the men were gathering and talking.

"Yo." I raised my hand as I stood in front of them.

"Oh, it's you!" A man in a blue suit said upon seeing me. Hearing his voice, the others also turned to look at me.

"Hey, how have you been, buddy?"

"Good, how about you, Sam?" All the men here were my school time buddies. Some had changed a lot and some looked still the same. However, the vibes they gave off were no different from how I remembered.

"It is not you who is getting married to Alicia. Aren't you sad?" Bryan said that jokingly. His words pierced right where they hurt. I did manage to hide the shock and the pain from my face. I hope so.

"Yeah. I told you so back in school, didn't I? That we were just friends."

"You did. Guess we should have taken your words at face value. Sorry for teasing you so much back then."

"Sorry won't cut it. You have to grovel down and ask for forgiveness from your highness. Then, I will think about forgiving you."

"Isn't that going a bit too far?"

"Do you realize how far you went with the teasing back in high school?"

"You really went too far, Bryan," Anita said.

"I think even groveling won't be enough to repent for his sins. Why don't you ask him to rub his nose in your shoes?" Jack shrugged.

"Yeah." Someone whose face I couldn't see from where I was, spoke. In a few moments, everyone was demanding Bryan to grovel.

"You guys, you guys are cruel!" Bryan cried mockingly and everyone burst out laughing.

It had been so long since all of us had been together and joked around like this. I could tell everyone was having fun and being nostalgic about their school days. I was too. But it was not all fun for me. There were clearly some parts that I did not want to remember now and here but when I met all of them, there was no helping it.

In order to escape from these memories, I thought the best solution was to distance myself from them for a while.

"Guys, I am going to meet Alex for a bit."

"Got it. You are one of the best men, right? Along with his brother?"

"Yes."

"I hope to hear some of his dirty secrets, okay?"

"I won't disappoint you on the front."

I took my leave and headed to the large church building where the bride and the bridegroom were getting ready as of now.

As I entered the towering doors of the church, I met Nancy. She was wearing a beautiful brown gown that matched the shade of her hair. There was a big flower woven across the dress diagonally with a few petal designs scattered. There was an open slit on the right side that exposed her long and slender legs that looked appealing without appearing too risqué.

"Oh, hi there." She waved her hand in front of me.

"Hi. You look stunning."

"Really? Thank you." She gave a smile that put the beautiful dress she was wearing to shame.

"Where are you going?"

"To meet Alex."

"I see."

"Have you met them already?"

"Yeah. You should go as well now."

"Right."

I went past her. There were rows of benches on both sides of me. I walked on the blue carpet below. To my left, there was a door that had a small sign where it was written dressing area. I figured Alex was there. I was about to go through the door when Nancy called out to me.

"Hey!"

I stopped in my tracks and looked around to where she was. "What happened?"

She looked me dead in the eye.

"I think you should go meet Alicia as well."

Her words were like a knife to my heart. She knew what had happened to my relationship with Alicia. Despite knowing that, why would she bring up her name with me? And not to mention, that I go and talk to her? Is she crazy? There is no way I can do that. If I had that much courage in me, wouldn't I have done so long ago?

As I stood there motionless, Nancy spoke once again.

"I know you are feeling conflicted. But, remember this. This is your last chance."

With that, she took her leave.

"Last chance..." For some reason, I repeated those words.

I shook my head right and left so that I can get rid of such weird thoughts and headed in.

"Yo, Alex. The man in the limelight today." When I met Alex, he had already finished getting ready.

"Thanks for coming, buddy."

"Of course, I would."

Alex's elder brother was with him.

"Long time no see, Simmons."

"Yeah. You look a lot manlier now, kiddo."

Although he was only six years older than us, for some reason, he always referred to me and Alex as young kids, like he was an old man in his sixties. Alex's elder brother was already married to a beautiful wife and I had heard that they had their first child only recently.

"Congratulations. I heard you are a father now."

"Thanks. I am happy and grateful to my wife." He gave a big smile to show just how happy he was.

While we were talking, Alex was taken to the side by a female who seemed to be the makeup artist. She was currently making Alex's tie as he stood in front of the mirror with a smile.

"He is really happy, isn't he?" I said to no one as I watched him.

"Yeah. He has been all smiles today." Simmons commented from next to me.

He looked so bright to me that I thought I would go blind.

Alex was the happiest today he had ever been. I know that. I am his best friend after all. Anyone who looked at his face could tell how giddy he was now. I was happy for my best friend. I really was. But I could not help but feel something akin to loss in some corner of my heart. That was about to tear me up.

I did not want Alex or anyone else to see me with tears in my eyes. So I decided to leave the room before it could happen.

"I will go and say hello to others for a while."

"Okay."

I told Alex and Simmons and swiftly left the room.

The tears had already formed under my eyes.

"I can't go out looking like this." It might cause an unnecessary fuss. So I decided to hide around somewhere in this big church until I calmed down.

I walked down the long hallway. There were tinted glass windows to my right and various paintings high above the wall. To the right were small window-like spaces with no glass in them. From there, I could see all the people outside. They were all happily chatting with their friends unaware of the internal turmoil I faced.

I looked up at the sky. It was blue today.

"Fuck you." I cursed at the sky remembering how it had deceived me.

I stood there for a while, gazing at the ever-expanding blue sky above. After about five minutes, I had calmed down considerably and the tears had dried down as well.

"Time to head back."

I brought my head back down and turned away to the path from where I had come.

Just as I took the first step, I saw someone emerge from one of the rooms.

She had a round face with similarly round and big eyes. Her eyes looked even bigger than what I remembered. She was probably shocked to meet me here.

She was in a white gown with a long hem that was spread out on the floor beautifully. In that white dress, she looked like an angel.

Suddenly, I started sweating profusely. I was trapped. I did not know what to do. I was about to head back but there she was, Alicia, right ahead of me. If I want to make it back, I will have to pass through her. If I did try to pass through her now, I will have to call out to her, don't I? But I did not want to. I was not sure what to say to her. Heck, I did not want to even look at her right now. It was too much for me. I found myself praying that she just go back to the room she had just emerged from. That would make it so much easier for me to dash down the halls afterward. But, of course, my prayers were not answered.

Forget about going back, she did not even move one bit from that spot. Almost as if someone had cast a freezing spell on her.

I could feel the sweat accumulate in the palm of my hands. She was just standing there, wide-eyed, looking straight at me.

The time for the wedding was nearing and I should be with Alex by now. But there was a huge obstacle in front of me.

I tightly held my coat and took a few deep breaths to calm myself.

I need to get a hold of myself. I can not be this shaken now. I have nothing to talk to her, nothing more to say to her. I can not say anything to her. I will have to rein my emotions in so that I do not ruin this day.

After mentally encouraging myself, I took the first step toward her.

I could feel how shaken I was. With each step I took, I felt as if I would just fall over. I don't know how I managed to stay upright.

I don't even remember how I reached in front of Alicia. She was still there, looking at me with her big and round eyes.

All those moments that I had shared with her during my school days played in my mind like a film roll.

God, this is bad. I thought to myself.

Alicia was the most important person alive that I had now. She was my best friend, someone who I had shared so many memories with. I had promised that I will be by her side in every corner of her life, in every step she took. So wouldn't it feel like I am shying away from my responsibilities if I did not even say a word to her? As Nancy put it, it might be the last chance I ever had to talk to her. I at least should speak to her. One last time.

I stood in front of her.

With much difficulty, I managed to get the words out.

"Congratulations, Alicia."

"Thank you." She said. It had been so long since I last heard her voice.

"You look beautiful in that dress."

"Thank you."

I did not know what else to say. But I did know one thing - that if I stayed any longer here, I may not be able to hold back the tears.

I tried my best to give a smile and tried to walk away.

But, just as I took one step, Alicia spoke.

"Hey." I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Don't you have anything to say to me?"

I have. I have a lot. I want to ask you why you suddenly stopped talking to me. I want to ask you why you ignored me. Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you unknowingly? If so, then why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you try to contact me all these years? Why did you cut me off from your life?

All these questions raced through my mind at the same time.

I turned to look at her.

"No."

Right now, I did not want to ask any questions to you.

I took another step away from her. I wanted to get away from here as fast as possible.

"But I have." She said.

"This is not the time, Alicia. We will talk sometime later." In other words, we will never talk again.

"No. This may be the last chance I ever will have so I want to talk to you. Right now."

I immediately realized that Nancy was the one behind this.

When I was entering inside, Nancy was going out. She must have met Alicia and planted this idea of the 'last chance' inside her brain. Much like how she did to me. I hate you for this, Nancy.

"Don't you want to know the reason why we drifted apart?" She asked.

I wanted to know. Desperately. That question haunted me day and night. It still does. So, when those words left her mouth, although I knew I should not talk to her about this now, I could not say no. I did not say yes as well but just stood there silently.

"Of course, you do." Alicia knew well what was on my mind.

"You might not believe this, but, I-" There was hesitation in her voice.

"The reason that I distanced myself from you was because I-" She hesitated once again. I still had my back to her. I heard her take a deep breath.

"Because I fell in love with you."

Her voice was clear and it rang inside my ears loudly, like the sound of the church bell.

But still, I could not believe my ears.

"Wait. Did you just say..." I thought that my ears were playing tricks on me. I mean, there was no way that was true, right?

In utter disbelief, I turned to look at her.

She was looking at me. Her eyes were fixed on me.

"You finally looked at me." She smiled. That smile was the same one that she used to have back in her school days.

But more than that smile, I was focused on something else.

"You...are you joking right now?'

"Does it look that way to you?"

No.

The words came immediately to my mind.

"But...wait...how...why..."

My head was spinning. I wasn't able to make sense of anything. Alicia said that she loved me, right? But how? Why?

"I am sure you must be confused right now. You must be thinking that it is impossible." Yeah, she was absolutely right. It was impossible.

"But that is the reason why I distanced myself from you."

"Now, wait a moment. I can't wrap my head around it."

"I bet." She gave me a smile as if she had known that it was coming.

"You and me - we were best friends. We were together. Always. No matter what we did and no matter where we went, the two of us were always together. We had even promised that we will always remain good friends. Forever. Back then we both believed that the relationship we had will continue this way forever. But during college, I came to realize that the relationship we dreamed of keeping forever wasn't possible."

Before I could even ask why she thought that, she spoke.

"Because I ended up falling in love with you. Crazy, right?" She cracked up a little. Though I sensed pain leaking out.

"I don't know why or when but one day I woke up and I just realized that I was in love with you. It was sudden but I felt like it was always bound to happen one day. I just realized that a bit too late."

It was the same for her. That realization dawned on me. I was overcome with emotion. She was the same. She had developed feelings for me the same way I had. It was not just me. It was mutual.

"Why the hell did you not tell me that?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs before I even realized it. Alicia recoiled in shock.

"Why did you not tell me that sooner? Why did you not tell me that you had feelings for me right then? If so, everything would have been different! I wouldn't have had to suffer all alone for this long. I would not have spent all of these years in anguish over my love for you!"

"What?" Alicia's eyes were the most widened I had ever seen at that moment.

"Wait. You don't mean..." She had managed to grasp the meaning behind my words.

"Yeah. I also had feelings for you. The same way you realized it!"

For a moment, I saw regret flash in her eyes. I could see it in her eyes. All the possible scenarios were conjuring in her brain.

If only she had told me that she had feelings for me, everything would have been different. This day would never have come to pass.

"Why did you not tell me this sooner?! It's your fault that everything is a mess right now!"

I saw Alicia's shoulder rise in anger and frustration.

"You can't blame me here. What did you expect me to do? Tell you I have feelings for you?!"

"Yes. You could have!" And everything would have been different. That single sentence was repeating itself in my mind every single second.

"As if I could!" Alicia snapped.

"You are telling me that I could have told you that? I could just come up to you and say that I love you? How could I? I was scared. I was scared that if I told you my real feelings it would ruin the friendship we had. It would blotch the bonds we had as friends. And I did not want that. I was scared of that. I did not want our friendship to end because of my feelings."

"You say that but you did end up ruining it in the end anyway, didn't you? You cut all contact with me. I texted you. I called you. But you never responded to any of them. If you still wanted to preserve our friendship, then why did you cut me off?!"

"It's not like I did it willingly. I realized that I was in love with you. After that, there was no way I can pretend that things were normal. I did try to act normal for a while but it was too much for me. I knew that there was no going back for me.

"We had promised that we would remain friends forever. But I was about to ruin that friendship. I had already broken that promise. Every time I was with you, I was torn between love and friendship. I thought that you only thought of me as a good friend. It made me happy, of course, but it hurt me as well. For you, I was a friend. Nothing more and nothing else. When I was aware of that and aware of my own feelings, how can you expect me to be by your side without losing myself? That was why I cut you off. So that I won't be hurt any longer and I won't hurt you with my feelings. So the friendship we had up to that point won't be tainted by my feelings of love!"

In order to protect that friendship, she broke away from that friendship. What sort of logic was that? Bullshit. I was angry at Alicia.

"But you could have told me that, no? Everything would have been different then!" I was still hung up on that. That different possibility. A different happy outcome.

"How can say for sure that things would have been different?!"

"Because I also love you!"

"You say that now but can you say that you had feelings for me back then? Would have you accepted my love?!"

I couldn't reply immediately. She had a point. There was no guarantee that I would have accepted her love. At that point, I still only viewed her as my friend. It was only after I lost all contact with her that I realized I had feelings for her. I know that. But still...

"See? I am right, aren't I?" Her voice had cracked up by now. She was trying to hold back her tears.

"You keep saying that it was my fault, but you are equally at fault too! After I stopped responding, why did you not try to reach me? Why did you never appear before me even once all these years?"

"I did try to. But you were the one who didn't respond to my texts and calls!"

"But you could have come to meet me directly! You knew what college I was in. You could even have come to my house directly and tried until I finally gave up and told you everything. But you never did, did you?!"

I never did. It wasn't that I couldn't have done. I could have. But I didn't. Why? Because...

"Because you are a coward. A scaredy-cat! You got cold feet about confronting me, didn't you!?"

There was not a single lie in her words and there was nothing I could say back to her. I knew I was at fault too. But I still was frustrated about the current situation we had arrived at.

"I did try to call out to you. When we were on the same bus, I did want to call out to you but you never even looked my way. You were ignoring me!"

"That I was. But did you ever call out to me? Even once? You didn't!" At this point, we were fighting like little kids, trying to take our frustration about this helpless situation by blaming each other.

"Okay, I was at fault for that. But, why the hell did you decide to get married? If not for this, there would still have been a chance, wouldn't there?" Things would not have gotten this out of hand if only she had not decided to get married.

"Like I told you, it was so that I don't ruin our friendship! Every day, my emotions were getting out of control. I did not know when I would just run up to you and pour all my feelings into you. I was scared that if I did our friendship will go up on fire and I would never be able to get it back. So, before it came to that, I wanted to do something. I wanted to make sure that even if I wanted to convey my feelings to you, my circumstances would not allow me to do so. That was why I decided to get married, as soon as I can!" She was panting heavily.

She had been talking in a loud voice up until now but suddenly, her voice dropped down.

"But...I regret it now. I regret it. I am at fault. Yes, I know. Everything's my fault."

The tears she had tried so desperately to hold back had come crashing down like waves. Her tears must have been contagious for I started crying as well.

Alicia ran up to me and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back.

"It's not just you. It's my fault as well."

We were both at fault. We were both equally responsible for this royal mess. We both let our emotions lead us astray. If only we had thought about it rationally and with a cool head; if only we had believed in our friendship that it wasn't so fragile as to be broken by just that, we would have managed to avoid this future. If only we had laid our feelings honestly to each other, without holding back, the outcome would have been different. I would not have had to suffer. Alicia would not have had to suffer.

For a moment, a dangerous thought crossed my mind.

Alicia and Alex were not yet married. We were mutually in love. And there was still time. I could take Alicia and run away. But right after, Alex's face flashed before my eyes. The happy face and the bright smile he had on earlier made my heart clench.

No. I can not do that. I will never do that. There is no way I can hurt someone else for the sake of my happiness. That was the way I was, wasn't I? I will bear the pain in silence if it meant that I will not hurt someone else. Damn! Why the hell was I this way? Why the hell could I not have the courage to abandon others for the sake of my happiness? I hate this. I hate myself. I hate Nancy. It was her words that pushed us both to speak our minds and now we have ended up hurting each other. But even if she hadn't intervened, we would have continued to be hurt, just not aware of each other's pain.

I held Alicia's shoulders and pried her away.

I held her head gently in both of my palms. Alicia closed her eyes.

Sorry, Alex. I offered him my sincerest apologies. Forgive me, buddy, But one last time. This one time. Please.

I brought my face closer to her. Her quivering lips were mere millimeters away. Then, I kissed her. Gently. On the forehead.

Alicia opened her eyes. We looked at each other and then broke into smiles. We exchanged no more words after that. We knew that there was nothing we could do about it now. It was too late. All we can do now is live while just knowing that we had loved each other. We will have to live for the rest of our lives, loving each other from a distance. But I hope someday that she will forget about this feeling. She will now have a husband and a family to build. I don't want these feelings to get in the way of that. So, I hope she will start to love Alex and her family. I will live content with the fact that you once loved me. That will be enough for me.

Then I left Alicia as I walked down the hallway.

At first, I was going to kiss her lips but at the last moment, I decided against it and then kissed her on the forehead instead. Because I knew, if I kissed her lips, the taste of her lips will linger in my mouth forever and I will not be able to forget it for the rest of my life. I will yearn for that taste forever knowing full well I will never get to taste it again, driving me to despair.

I went to the washroom to wash my face.

Shortly afterward, the wedding proceeded. The two got married. When the two of them kissed, I closed my eyes so that I won't have nightmares of that scene. I delivered my best man speech and the wedding was wrapped up perfectly.

Now the bride and the bridegroom were in the car decorated with white flowers all over.

We were all waving our hands at the two of them while wishing them a happy married life again. The car engine started. And the car was about to drive off.

Just before the car left though, my eyes met with Alicia's.

We did not put it into words but we knew what the other was thinking at the same time just through simple eye contact.

Yeah.

We both knew.

That this was the last time.

The car then drove off.