Like a prey

I had to woke up early to be on time. There were more students compared to previous years, who wanted to take the exam. Even though we didn't attend school for the virus but that day was enough to spread it like crazy. Hundreds of people were there and there was absolutely no sign of being careful. On the day that could define my whole life, I was cursing people instead of worrying about myself. There was no sign of the people that used to care about health, even though they were the students that wanted to become doctors.

Being a doctor? Ha! I once had this dream, but it soon vanished when I realized that wasn't my dream but my parents'. It was nice trying to help people and cure illnesses but I had no one to cure anymore. You don't normally help someone who you despise the most, so I had no reason to be one, or maybe I was just too tired of all the studying and wanted to disappear and be free. The answer was unknown to me. What was the real thing I wanted? Uh! I don't even know what I'm talking about. My mind was a mess as always but my heart rate was normal and my face was emotionless. I was lost in my world, thinking about those unsightly creatures and my mother was trying to reach out to me. Oh yes! She was worried, she always did worry about such trivial things and the new me couldn't get it anymore. "It's my exam not hers, why is she killing herself?" I thought while looking at her with a wide smile on my face. "I didn't exactly get it, why a big smile? Just be emotionless, don't you want them to understand your pain?" That was my inner thoughts that moment which I never wanted to have but they came. Well of course such a mind would never be easy.

I went in and tried my best on exam which was extremely hard. It was beyond my imagination; how can a mere exam be so hard. 3 years of studying painstakingly and guess what? I ruined the exam but I was feeling nothing. I couldn't believe it was over nor I had ruined it. I didn't feel anything. My face was blank as it was in the morning. When I went back to my parents, they started to ask me about how the exam was, was it easy or hard? Was it this? Was it that? "Uhhhh! Enough with the questions, can't you see I need to be alone" again my inner thoughts which were followed by a fake smile on my face and laughter.

Days passed and I was enjoying summer without studying anything. I had no worries from the outside but from the inside, it was different. I was thinking about my mental state every second and it was unbearable. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't sort out what the hell I wanted. "Do I want them to be killed or not? Do I want them in peace or not? Do I love studying or not? What the hell am I supposed to do when there's nothing to study? What should I do? Why is it meaningless to be free?" It was a piece of how my mind was doing back then. A war was always there and a wide smile on my face. Despite that, everything was fine. The virus was on a break. The statistics were low but I know for sure that they were not real but I didn't have any brain cell left to handle that.

The results came and we found out I hadn't ruined it the way I thought and I became happy. It was a long time since I had become happy for real but soon the flower that had blossomed in my cold hard was turned into ashes. My father kept on telling me that I had failed and I was such a failure and that I had to take the exam in the next year. I had looked up to him since I was young because I thought he was cool but that speech he gave me via a phone call was uncool. Even though my mental state wasn't well but what he did to me, made it worse. Wherever my parents went, they kept on telling that I had failed and little by little they destroyed the respect that I had in people's minds and they started to sympathize with me and looked at me as if I was some sort of pitiful creature. I was just living my life and I never hurt anyone, but why did they hurt me hard?

Soon after the results came, I had to pick a major and that also hit me hard. My father didn't let me choose the major I wanted by saying I would be nothing. Yes, I was nothing but I became something. As I talked to them about my very own dreams they mocked me and insulted my dream. I, who was angry at people, suddenly gave in and cried in front of my parents. I had never cried in front of them because I was strong and my mental state was fine but at that moment, at that damn moment I wasn't strong.

Even now I'm not healed, even now I'm crying about how could they insult the real me who had finally blossomed? How could they insult their own blood and flesh? How could they? What have I ever done to be treated like that? I hate human beings, I hate family. My hatred for family began at that moment and it never healed. My soul was burned to ashes not little by little but in an enormous amount. The rage that I had kept on living was gone, the smile that I could fake was gone. Everything was gone. I even started to sympathize with those students who committed suicide, no no no, they didn't commit such thing, parents and society killed them. Just how much pressure can an 18-year-old girl tolerate? My innocent feelings, my emotions, even if I wasn't feeling anything but I knew they were still there but that time was different. The good and pure side of me got attacked while I wasn't on guard and I got shattered to pieces.

Ha ha ha! Man I got broken by the hands of my own blood and flesh. I don't know if I should cry or laugh. I don't know anymore but I know at that time, I cried. I cried every single time I was alone. I cried every night that I went to sleep. I cried whenever I was taking a shower. I cried, I cried, I cried until my eyesight got worse. I never wanted my family, my fake family to find out that I was weak. Since that moment I lost my home, I was just sleeping, eating and talking to them but I couldn't feel like home anymore. I belonged nowhere, I had nowhere to call home, I had no one to rely on, I had no shoulder to cry on. It was only me in a rotten world. Like a prey in the nest of predators.