Chapter 24

AJ

Why did I say that? I care about Ren.. I really do, but I can't do this. I can't. Now I've just led him on. He doesn't deserve that. Why does he let me string him along? He's so much smarter than that. I wanted to kiss him again… I almost did. I can't really be gay can I? I mean, I'm still attracted to women. Maybe I'm just bisexual, which will be okay. As long as I can settle on a girl to date I won't even have to worry about dating guys, but girls… they don't make me feel the way Ren does. Maybe I'm just in love with Ren? I've never really kissed any other guys except during an amateur game of spin the bottle in middle school. I liked it, but those don't count right? I feel guilty, as if I betrayed Ren when I kissed Amora last night.

"JJ!!"

"Hm?" my head snaps up and I look at my little sister, I was staring off into space. I refocus my attention back to finding Millie something to wear, she's bouncing on the edge of her bed in her PJs. She's going to miss the bus if I keep getting distracted.

"I wanna wear my favorite one" she says in her little voice, full of enthusiasm.

"Millie…" I begin, not knowing where to find the dress she's talking about. I grab a simple white dress. "What about this one?"

"Noooo!!" she cries out and crosses her arms

"Hey. Watch that attitude, young lady." I say to her in my adult voice. Her shoulders slump and she drops her arms

"But I promise it's in there!"

I sigh, giving in to my 7 year old and rummaging through her dresser even more. I wonder what Amora saw, she looked so terrified. How did she know about Ren and I? I wish she hadn't run off last night. I can't stop thinking about her. I don't understand how last night was even possible. I wanted to try and figure it out, she didn't even give me a second to talk to her. I find the dress buried under piles of similar dresses.

Seriously, they all look exactly the same.

Exactly.

But her favorite one has to be the one with purple paint spattered all over it. Stained for good. She decided to get into my art supplies and didn't even care how big of a mess she made.

"Why do you like this one so much you little monster?"

I hand it to her, she holds it tight against her chest with the biggest smile plastered on her face. "Because. I want to be an artist. Just like you. And I love purple!"

Her smile is so dazzling she's such a little angel. I look into Millie's green eyes, like mine in every way except one. Her's are innocent and happy, while mine, only show sadness and anger. I don't understand how someone so sweet and pure can withstand a household like ours. A world like this. I smile at her,

"I love purple too. Too bad you spilled it all. I'd make myself a dress just like that one. Because, you know, Millie, when I grow up I wanna be just like you."

I boop her on the nose and send her into a fit of giggles. "Okay, now hurry up and get dressed before you end up being late."

When I walk back into the house after dropping Millie off at the bus stop I am greeted by my mother 'talking' to Ren when really, she's just hitting on him, trying to seduce him into god knows what. She has her hand on his chest and is prying at him with her eyes. Ren looks disgusted, well, as disgusted as he can look. I'm the only one who knows him well enough to read his emotions. To her, he probably seems to have the same placid features as always. But to me…I see the slight tug on his lips. The gag reflex fluttering in his throat. Eyes with a slight tinge of annoyance.

"You're a very handsome boy Ren. When did you grow to be so tall? I remember you and Arthur playing in the mud as if it was yesterday. But now, I just see this handsome, blooming, charming young man and…"

Her gaze travels down the length of his body, resting in a low place that makes Ren cringe ever so subtly.

"And I'm more than a little…enthralled. If you're catching my flow." With the last sentence, she gropes him. And I'm talking full on grabbing. Ren's face is horrified and disgusted. And despite the fact that it's absolutely ridiculous, I get jealous. I clear my throat loudly and my mother releases her grip on him jumping away from him with lightning fast speed.

"Oh, Arthur. We weren't doing anything scandalous I assure you."

Ren looks at me with a mixture of relief and anger, he knows that I was standing there a few seconds before intervening. He brushes off his clothes as if she contaminated them.

"You are correct," he says to my mother "we were not doing anything scandalous, however you were. I could have you charged with sexual harassment which I am sure you are aware of. But I will not, being as your financial situation is bad enough and I do not wish for AJ to get arrested yet again for shop-lifting breakfast cereal. Shall we head to school now, AJ?"

I smile at Ren "Sure. Hey mom, are you going out today?"

She's checking her lipstick in her handheld mirror , "Of course I am Arthur, don't be stupid. I thought you were at least smarter than your father."

My blood boils at the implication that I'm anything like my father. Just the slight mention of me being his son can set me on a war path

"I'm nothing like dad." I spit. I dig my nails into my hand, ignoring the searing pain that comes from my wounded one.

My mother rolls her eyes, "No matter how many times you say it, it won't make it true sweetheart." I narrow my eyes at her, a look so steaming with hatred. I hope she sees it. I hope she knows how much I despise her. What she does to this family. How she stays with a man who doesn't know what love is, or kindness. And in turn makes the rest of her family suffer. While she finds a nice way to cope. Drinking herself unconscious, night after night after night.

"Don't call me that. You only said it to dig at me. Because you used to be my mother. You used to call me sweetheart. That's when you actually cared about your children. Not that you really think of us as your kids anymore. You know, you used to say Ren was like a son to you and now here you are feeling him up and trying to get him to sleep with you. You're so low you're eating with the pigs and you don't even care enough to crawl out of the pen and actually be something, be anything. So, you don't have the right to call me sweetheart. So, don't. All it will do is let out the smell of Rum into the air and I don't want the kids breathing that in."

I yank my backpack from off the ground and throw it over my shoulder. My outburst leaving her speechless.

"Let's go." I say to Ren. At least she's leaving, she won't be here to bother Jason. I can call the babysitter. I walk out of the house.

"AJ?" Ren calls after me, I'm speeding down the sidewalk and he has to push me up against a wall to get me to slow down.

"What?! Are you on her side or something?! " I yell at him. He holds me down "Get the hell off of me Ren!"

I'm thrashing underneath his hands and he slams me up against the wall again, "Calm down! You are being ridiculous." Ren talks in a cool tone, like always.Why does he have to be so strong? I can't even shake him off me. I just want him to back up. I need him to stay away from me. I'm not good to be around. If I could get rid of him I could finally end my cycle of toxicity. I could actually get away with dying.

"Breathe AJ."

I punch him in the gut as hard as I can, but he barely moves. My thrashing begins to slow, I'm out of breath and red in the face. I slide down the wall and bury my head in my hands. Turning to punch the wall a few times. I feel hot tears stream down my face and I draw my knees closer to my chest and bury my head in them. I don't want Ren to look at me, he always sees me like this. Is it really all I am? Some conflicted, angry little boy?. "It's okay." He says gingerly. His gaze only consists of love, I don't understand. Why does he love me? Why would he even think that? I'm unlovable. I narrow my eyes at him, still angry, wanting him to understand; I am no one he should love.

"Why do you care?" I snap as I shove him away from me. "You don't care about anything else. Seriously, why do you feel like you need to pretend? It's not like you want friends anyway."

I cross my arms over my chest. He moves to sit next to me. "I care. And I am not pretending." I roll my eyes and grumble, "Why?"

"Because, you are the only person who can irritate me and not make me so annoyed that I want to leave. The only person who has ever made me feel like my strangeness was a gift. not a curse. you're the one who assisted me with that perspective. Don't you remember? If it were not for you, AJ, I would more than likely be a murderer. A logical one, of course, but, as you know, murder is wrong. For whatever reason."

His tone of voice is sincere, slightly distant as if he's imagining what his life would be if it weren't for me. Why did he have to say that? I punch him in the gut again. He doesn't even flinch but instead, looks at me with that sharp, inquisitive focus of his.

"Why did you do that?"

I shrug, "For making me feel better when I was trying to be pissed off and keep you away from me." I look back at him "Why'd you do that?"

He responds with the same noncommittal shrug I gave him seconds ago.

"You asked me a question, I answered it." Our gazes are locked in each other's and I wrap my arms around Ren, wanting to feel his closeness around me. Envelop me with the same peace and calm he always does. Why can't I just be normal, why do I have to feel this way about him? About men in general? Why do I have to be such a disgrace? I curl into his chest wanting nothing more than to stay like that. It makes me sick to my stomach, wondering who could be watching. I wish I didn't care if people saw. This feels so right to me, my lips find his neck and I slowly work my way up to his jawline. His lips. I let out a shaky breath, "I'm sorry." I whisper to him, unwrapping myself from him. "I can't do this, Ren." I stand up. Refusing to look him in the eyes. "I know." Ren says sadly. He gets up and looks at me, I still avoid his eyes.

"Shall we continue to school then?" His tone goes back to the robotic monotonous one he always has. Why do I do this to him? I know it's not healthy for him. I've sent him on a rollercoaster the past hours. He's going to react to all of his emotions eventually, he's getting overloaded, he's going to break. Why can't I just leave him alone?