Chapter 10: Trauma (Loki’s POV)

They asked for a further discussion. Of course, they did. I barely gave them any information after all. They came into the room. I of course moved a bit causing a stab of pain in my side. The oaf of a doctor tries to come over and help me, it was a mere moment of pain. I've experienced worse… Much worse. Snapping out of my daze I realize They are rambling on about how they want the full story. I try to refuse but they threaten to lock me up if I don't tell them everything.

*"Is being in the dungeons something you wish for Jotun if so keep on the path you are on now?" Thanos says looking down at me.

"N..o" I try to keep my voice strong and powerful sounding, but my voice cracks revealing my actual state..

The Mad Titan comes closer.

"Then you will comply! Compliance will be rewarded, are you ready to comply!" He spat out angrily.*

I zone back into reality and feel my eyes are stinging and watering. Of course, I'm crying. If this day couldn't get any more humiliating. I hurriedly wipe them hoping no one noticed.

"I won't comply," I say.

My brain automatically panics. Why did I say that? Was it because of the memory that had so quickly made itself to the front of my brain? I stutter out words. I don't really know what I said, however, as it was a long line of gaps and thinking. The Birdman (Barton), saw, however, and looked to the others. He talked about how I had a dream when I first arrived. I knew this already of course as I remember all my dreams, unfortunately. I just didn't know I had been so vocal during the nightmare. Another reason to be embarrassed I suppose. Let's add it to the list. I turn my attention back to Barton and Co.

Barton's face looked confused. It seems he thinks I'm being foolish. The subject gets changed and I ask them to take the cuffs off me in exchange I will of course…agree to explain everything. Barton would like me to start from the very beginning, from Asgard. My Stomach is filled with dread. Why did I do this to myself? Now their pity would be the only thing I see on their faces.

Brot…. Thor comes in, he looks like his usual self.

Vain and smug.

Banner explains what we are doing here. Thor immediately has a look of Pity on his face. I hate pity. There is no use for it! If you sit and wallow in your own self-pity all day how do you get anything done! It is useless and time-consuming.

Barton tells me to start, shocking me out of my stupor. I guess it's easier to agree than fight, at the moment. So I start my woeful tale from the beginning. I talk of my unfair treatment due to my heritage and the shadow Thor cast over me. The feeling that my mind was slowly breaking. Once I finish this segment of my life I pause. My emotions are dangerously close to the edge, and I need to get a grip on them. I take a deep breath steadying myself. Knowing I would need it for the next part.

I explain about the incident with Sif and her hair. How my fath… How Odin, my caretaker, sewed my mouth shut. Only releasing me from the pain a week later. HOW he had believed one of Thor's friends Over his s….. Over me. I close my eyes, needing a moment of peace before continuing. I have never told anyone anything as personal as this was and these guys here are practically strangers! Except for Thor of course which makes it worse! I open my eyes and look around. I see everyone is waiting for me to continue. I do, of course per the agreement. I plead to Thor not to tell Mother. I don't want her to think less of me. She's all I have left, the only one who wanted me without reason. Odin wanted to unite the kingdoms. Thor wanted a sidekick. I hope they are happy. I fall out of my daze and look around once again. Stark talks about the scars along my lips and Banner questions how he saw them. Of course the blundering idiot Thor had to give away, that this wasn't my true form. I resigned and told them how I had found I was adopted. I talk about the Frost Giants. How they are horrendous creatures and such. Each word I speak is what I believe.

I look down at my left hand.

We are on Jotunheim and Thor is defeating Frost Giants from left to right. One of his friends gets Frostbitten from getting touched by a Frost giant. I use my illusion magic to get one to run off the edge. But when I run out one grabs my arm causing my arm armor to melt away leaving my bare skin. Though it did not get frostbitten my skin started turning blue which caused the Frost Giant to get confused for long enough I could escape. Why had my skin turned blue I wonder? Deep down I knew the answer, I chose to ignore my gut feeling, however.

Banner the scientist, the inquisitive one, of course, asks to see my Jotun form. I tell him that he would not want to see such things as it is hideous. He insists however and I do want my magic back so I….comply.

I stand up and close my eyes focusing on letting the magical appearance down. A cold feeling spreads from the tips of my fingers to throughout my face. The cold feeling that pushed me over the edge, both literally and figuratively. I tremble slightly. The magic being lifted showing my true form. The form that shows the monster I truly am. I am horrified as I have only seen this a couple of times. I tell them, they didn't want to see it. Their faces of course looked shocked, and possibly disgusted though I may be imagining that. I look up from my arm and look instead at the floor. Thor looks if possible like a sad puppy dog.

"Brother…." HE says as if nothing had happened in these past years.

As if I had not finally discovered the reason I was displaced and unwanted. He was being delusional and too wanted me to take part in the delusion but, I knew better. For I am the God of Stories, The God of Lies, The God of Mischief. I know a trick when I see it. A delusion. This caused me to snap at Thor, he was clearly being stupid. Didn't he see right in front of him that I was not his brother that I was some…. Jotun! Some monster! The Proof was in front of him for goodness sake! Thor looks at me lividly.

"I SEE LOKI, BUT I DON'T CARE. You are still my brother. Blood or not." Thor says the anger in his voice is going away.

I look at him with a murderous glare. He is so blindsided by his attempt to do good that he does not see the truth in front of him..

"Well, maybe I do, Thor. I would not want to weigh the Odinson name with an impurity such as a Jotun" I say simply.

I let down my glare. I remember I am still in Jotun form. I ask if I may return to myself. The Doctor nods. I am grateful for this as I do not enjoy being in this form much less with guests around. Thor is not looking at me anymore, he's just staring at the wall. I understand that. The wall is an excellent place to contemplate. I close my eyes once again and feel warmth lift from my feet to the top of my head. Once I'm done changing to my normal self. The Widow ever so rudely tells me to continue.

I do.

I continue my story. Telling of Odin and his last words before I fell in the void. Of course how Thanos tortured me. I did not go into detail. I didn't need to get emotional. I wasn't breaking the deal as they never said how detailed I had to be. Soon, I am finished with my tale. I am shaking with rage and something closer to….fear? Thor presses a button to drop the cuffs. I tell them to leave knowing the anger would be surfacing any moment now. They do so though I notice rather reluctantly.

As soon as the door closes my magic releases around me knocking many items down and causing a loud noise. I hope they didn't hear that. I doubt they would be surprised. I look around at the room and most of the objects are broken or at odd angles. I slide down to the floor. What do I do now? There are no books. Sleep is once again not an option, it never is. I guess the only thing I can do is sit on the floor and stare at the wall. It's worked many times before to cure my boredom and it helps me think. But do I want to think?

No, I don't think I do.

I tear my eyes away from the door and force myself to get up. I remind myself sitting down and wallowing in my own pity won't do any good. But what else is there to do? I start pacing, pacing helps calm my nerves. Where do I go from here, do I live the rest of my days as a guest at this unfortunate tower? Or do I try to escape only to be brought back to Odin? No, anywhere but Asgard is better. I guess I have to stay here. Where the nosy Avengers live. They'll probably blackmail me into telling them exactly what Thanos did. The mad titan is something I don't need to think about right now. Especially when my nerves are already so fried. I stop pacing and sit down on the floor once again. I tuck my knees into my chest. I wish none of this ever happened. I WISH that I had remained ignorant, that I hadn't let go of that staff. I had been foolish to think that it would be that easy.

Nothing ever was, not for me.

Oh, but it was for Thor. The golden child. His light shone brightly leaving me in the shadows. No, I can't go down this road anymore, what good will it do? I can't forever bode on the past. Even if the past was unfair and I'm just trying to make it right, what would I do to fix all my past mistakes? I'm already too far away from where I want to be, what's the use of trying now. I get up once again and lay down on the bed. I close my eyes. I deserve any nightmares coming my way. It's what I deserve after killing so many. For ripping homes apart and children from parents. I feel my eyes start getting wet. I have to be strong because I know if I cry now then…. I won't be able to stop. I just want to be in a happy place, I want to be… I want to be Thor. I close my eyes shielding the tears from escaping. I sit there, sleep not coming until I hear a knock on my door. DO I dare say come in or do I ignore it till they open the door anyway?

"Who is it?" I say instead.

My eyes are still shut tight.

"It's your Brother," Thor says.

I pause for a second.

"Come in" I say as I quickly wipe my eyes in case any tears have leaked out of my eyes.

I sit up and cross my legs. Thor enters the room and sits at the edge of the bed.

"What do you want Thor?" I say harshly.

Thor looks at me.

"We need to continue our discussion," He says.

"There is no discussion," I say simply.

Couldn't he see I didn't feel like talking? Then again he is oblivious when it comes to emotions other than his. Always has been always will be.

"Yes, there is," He says.

Why is he so persistent? His persistence is futile, I'm already too far gone.

"You don't believe you are an Odinson. Correct?" Thor says sadly looking at me.

I raise my eyebrow. Am I an Odinson? No, I never was and never will be. Then who am I. Laufeyson? That doesn't seem right, I never want to be associated with that monster. Then who am I? Just Loki. Loki the God of Mischief, the God of Stories, the God of Lies. Maybe I do not deserve any title. I have not earned it.

"Loki, Brother are you there," Thor says, snapping his fingers in front of my face.

I had zoned out.

"I am not an Odinson. I never was" I say trying to keep my voice steady and my face emotionless.

Thor looks as if he knew I would say that.

"Brother, I do not care if you are a Laufeyson. You are still my brother" Thor says resolutely.

The oaf clearly doesn't get what I'm trying to say. I am alone.

"Thor, do I have to keep explaining this to you, or will you finally smarten up and hear what I'm trying to say?" I say, making sure the venom can be heard in my voice.

Thor looks at me inquisitively.

"I am not an Odinson. I am not Laufeyson. I am Loki. Just Loki. My name should be like me. Left Alone" I say as my voice has started shaking a little. I hope it is not too noticeable.

Thor looks at me. He looks livid.

"Listen now, Brother! I KNOW YOU THINK YOU ARE ALONE AND ABANDONED. But your not. I am trying to help you! BUT you keep pushing me away! SO STOP AND LET ME HELP YOU!" Thor yells at me as he stands up.

I stand up as well. My mind is racing. My emotionless mask is starting to fall and the anger is peaking through.

"MAYBE I DON'T DESERVE YOUR HELP THOR! DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT! You think I'm something to be fixed. Something that you can just GLUE THE BROKEN PIECES BACK TOGETHER! NO THOR! YOU DON'T GET THAT I DON'T DESERVE THIS HELP YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE! I'VE HURT YOU AND MOTHER AND ODIN! I'VE HURT ASGARD! I ALMOST DESTROYED THE WHOLE PLANET OF JOTUNHEIM! THEN I CAME TO MIDGARD AND WAS FORCED TO..to.. to murder and wreak havoc on innocents. I deserve whatever comes my way, Thor. SO DON'T, I don't deserve your pity!" I yell, my voice is breaking, but I don't care.

My throat is tightening as I try to keep the tears in. Without prevail, a couple slip from my eyes. Thor looks slightly shocked. I've never let him see me cry. Not that I want him to now. I quickly wipe the tears and look at Thor. He looks at a loss for words.

"Get out," I say threateningly.

"Loki…" Thor says before I cut across him.

"GET OUT" I yell, as my eyes threaten to spill tears.

Thor looks like he's about to say something but goes out the door anyway. He left the door open so I closed it. I was still out of breath from the yelling and my throat is sore. I look at the doorknob to check if there is a lock. Luckily there is. I go back over to the door and lock it. I mechanically walk back over and sit down on the bed. I sit and stare at the wall for a second until tears started leaking out of my eyes. Then the tears start falling quickly out of my eyes. I don't want to cry right now. What if Thor or one of his annoying colleagues comes in. I try to stop the tears but it is too late. They start flowing faster and faster. My breath becomes shaky. I look away from the wall slowly, I scooch back to the head of the bed and lean my body against the wall. Tears are still falling from my face. I need to collect myself. I put my hands on my face and over my eyes. This will help staunch the tears for now.

Take a deep breath in.

Take a deep breath out.

My breathing is still shaky but my eyes are no longer leaking tears.

Another deep breath.

I uncover my face and look around my room. I use my magic to make it look as if I hadn't just been crying. I knew this spell like the back of my hand. I've used this spell countless times, more than I would care to admit.

The captain comes in a few minutes later.

"It's lunchtime" He says motioning to join him.

So I don't get an option now, I guess Thor probably told them how thin I was. I'm not drinking any Coffee, however. I get up and follow Rogers to the same place we were before. All of the Avengers are there once again.

"Evening Reindeer Games," Stark says examining me.

Why must he use that nickname? I glare at him and then nod my head in response.

I sit in the seat I had when I ate earlier today. The Avengers were staring at me.

"Yes?" I say annoyed.

"Would you like to talk?" Banner says gently.

"I've already told you everything if that's what you're asking," I say cautiously.

Banner does not continue and breaks eye contact.

"Salad?" Rogers offers.

"Fine," I say.

He puts the salad in front of me. I eat a couple of bites, and then my stomach starts to churn.

"May I go back to the room you put me in?" I say trying to keep my voice friendly instead of annoyed.

Rogers nods his head. I get up and head to my room. When I get there I sit on my bed once again. My head turns to the wall. I stare and stare at the wall. Until slowly sleep captures me.