Emotions and ADHD

This is going to be a serious one. wanting get something off my chest for awhile. And I mean very serious.

I am very weird. I'm sure you can tell that by now, I switch between topics like a crack addict switching lines. I love japanese culture even though I'm greek american. I have weird tastes. But one thing you probably can or cant tell is my emotions. I think the best way to describe it is my emotions are extreme, or at least how I show them is extreme.

I'd be suprised if you can't tell by now that I suffer from ADHD. If you knew me irl you'd immediatly see a couple things about me.

My fingers are always moving, I always am listening to music, I switch topics easily. ect. Although I am not diagnosed, mostly since my parents never have taken me to get it checked out.

I always have muaic going on or reading or playing games. It keeps me sane and in check. If music didn't exist I probably would've killed myself by now. it's.... hard to live with Adhd, it's like being trapped in a box, with the only audible sounds being yourself and a creaky ceiling fan. Constant noise, constant heart beat, constant thought..

Dear god the thoughts. I always talk too myself, another way I keep myself sane. It just happens, I'll be monolauging in my head, only to start trying to explain something and arguing with myself. Its as if someone else is inside my head, but they are a carbon copy of me, only with different thoughts.

Music and Media distract me from that. Earbuds are the greates invention to me, they make me listen to music any where I want without having ti go through the trouble of wearing a full headset. It helps me get away from the gremlin in my head torturing me.

That's why school is the worst thing to me. My school has a strict rule about earbuds, you cannot wear them unless you are allowed and/or silently working. But some classes just are torture for me, since I have Adhd, hands on work is naturally my favorite way to learn. Of course paper work and computer work is fine too.

But listening is bad. They make my brain start turning the little wound up handle on the gremlin, they start making me tap my fingers, my pencil, my feet, bouncing my legs trying to make it stop.

I cant just listen and absorb knowledge, unless it is something I'm very passonite about or is fun too talk about. A good example is Biology, it's a fun subject for me, and Computer Science, I love computer science.

But classes like spanish make me want to die. Mostly because the teacher is a horrible teacher too, she interacts with the class but dosen't do it in a fun way. My old spanish teacher, Mr. Clunie was a really fun guy.

He taught spanish by making each person answer 1 question in spanish a day and teaching the lessons with entusiasm. If you didn't say it right, he would help you, he would use his hands and try to play a game of cherads with you and try to help. He was the only reason I passed spanish.

My new teacher sucks, shes not enthusiastic, the worst part is an hour of the class is pire listening. No paper work either. And if she catches you with earbuds in, she immediatly punishes you. Mr. Clunie atleast gave you a warning.

But enough about that, lets get back to my emotions.

I have a case of Dysregulation. Basically I can't control my emotions, and they come out as very extreme and not appropriate for certain situations.

I'm like a scale with a block tungsten on one side and a feather on the other. One enotion comes out fiercely and the other not at all, or I just dont3 show emotion.

Dysregulation has a correlation with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. And sadly, I had all 3, with Anxiety and ADHD being the most severe of the 3.

Sorry if im being vague. I'm trying to find a way too word it.

Basically, my emotions are extreme, they come out strong or not at all. Like when I'm bored. When I'm bored I show it in the most obvious way possible, yawning, eyes are on my desk, hand on my chin, tapping my desk with my fingers. The whole nine yards.

And when I'm with family and happy.... It usually dosen't go well, I usally make jokes that do not go well, or are obscenely dark. Because I'm having a good time my little line I don't cross evaporates, and I over react on everything.

Thats why have turned off facial exspressions for the most part. I usually don't have a facial exspression when you see me, I radiate the word "Monotone" My face, my voice, my gestures. Wverything is as lasy as possible. Even as im writing this, I'm just stone faced.

It dosen't feel good. When I see a character trope in a show that's all about how quirky they are and how they dont emotion lol...

I get sad. I know how that pain of being alone feels. Trapped in my own thoughts, fighting myself in a battle of idiocy and mania.

Another reason I made this is because I had my first panic attack last christmas. It was a nice poker night with my family, but I started thinking about how happy I was.

I started crying, and crying. I couldn't stop. I went upstairs to try and sleep. But it didn't stop, then I started panicking and gasping for air like I ran a triathlon.

On Christmas, a day of joy and cheer, I was crawled into a fetal position hugging my pillow and wailing. It was absolute tourture. All because I was happy.

That contributed towards my fear of showing emotions now, I'm scared to show weakness.

Of course not online. After all, how can I be weak online, you cant see me through my screen

Whatever

I'm done ranting. sorry for the 1000 word essay about my depression.

Hoped you liked me actually being real for once. Im tired and my brothers birthday is tommorow. Golf is tiring, and I want that 8 hours for it.

Goodnight everybody.

Ethan out.