CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 1

Thinking deeply if my decision is right, wether it's good for me or just for others benefits?

I'm a girl continuesly walking but with now destination. As I process all the things happened today, I want to cry, scream all my pain and the betrayal I felt.

I feel so lost… no … because the best term is I feel sh\*t. Can you believe that my boyfriend, 1 hour ago becomes my ex? I want to laugh like crazy but damn it hurts so much.

He will become a daddy but not to me, in someone else. When I see him at the ob-gyne, smiling while looking at the monitor where you will see the baby. I can literary say that "Damn, he looks so happy and contented" he's holding the girl's tummy.Looking at him, a tear drop. I lose. I'll lost him.

I walked to the room alone even though I came here to accompany my friend who will become a mother in a few months now, I'm walking to the room with a heavy breathing, one step at a time but inside "one step losing him".

I stayed at the back of the person I want my children to be their father. But I guess it will be just a dust with no destination. No future to look forward.

I look at the monitor, I can see the baby there even thought it's just so small and barely recognize but to think, that it's alive just make me teary eyed.

I place my right arm at my tummy and caressing my palm on it gently. I can't help but to cry silently because I don't want them to know that I'm here, I want them to enjoy their moment.

I can still remember how we plan our wedding day and how we will build our family and even how many children we want, I always ask him how many he wants but he always answered, "It's your body Alli, it's your choice even if we wouldn't have one it's okay as long as you're here with me" but it's a lie.

I know that he wants us to have a child, I just can't give him yet because of my strict parents. They want us to get married first but we're still students and my parents want us to finished our studies first and I thought he respected that.

I thought he loves me truly because for the five years of being together, he never fail to make me feel loved, to show how important I am to him and I'm really grateful for that.

Minute passed the doctor left to finish some papers.

"Thank you." Rex said to his girl. I step backward, so they will not see me.

The girl took his hand and lay on her tummy and smile. A meaningful smile that reach the eyes . I wish I am her.

"No need to thank me, you know that I love you right?" Rex nodded and smile a bit.

His girl can't take her eyes on him while Rex can't take off his eyes on the monitor where the baby can see.

I can say that the girl really loves him, the way she look at him I have no words to complain, I guess he will be on a right hand, right?

I think he will be happy with her, right? Leaving him and giving him up to her will be okay, right? After all, I just want him to be okay and happy, if he find contentment with her then I will be happy for him even it breaks my heart.

"Rex, is it too much to ask, if I ask you to kiss my hand and feel it?" the Girl asked.

I don't know her, in fact this is the first time I saw Rex so close to another girl because he always put a distance to them so that we don't fight.

Rex took her both hands and cover it with his. He place his lips on it. I put my hands to my mouth so that they will not hear me.

I cried.

I don't know how to describe how hurt I am to see them in that position. They look with overflowing love.

If I will stay here for long I don't think I can handle it anymore.

So I show up and call him feeling sorry to ruin their moment but I think I have the rights to know what's going on…

Because I'm still his girlfriend. I deserve to know it.

"Rex…love.." I can see how he froze when I call him, because he knows who it is, I saw how he look so shock.

He immediately dropped the hand of the girl, I saw how her smile broke, feeling sorry for herself. My eyebrows met but I didn't give any attention.

"Hi!" I tried to smile but I just can't, I know this is not supposed to be my reaction as a girlfriend who just got cheated but damn I'm just so tired of everything what I just witness. I just want to finish this, I just need explanation and It's done.

I don't want to shout at him or even slap him. I just don't feel to do anything. The pain, I'm dealing is too much which makes me feel tired.

"Alli…" he's too stunned to speak. He get up immediately and approach me as fast as he could like he's afraid if I run away or what, he held my hand.

And as expected he always hold me like I will break anytime. Like he so much care for me. It's so hard to let him go if his like this.

So I break our contact and put a space behind us, he attempts again but when I look at him he didn't try anymore because he knows by that look that I don't want him close. He knows me too well.

" It's not what you think Alli." This is not the sentence I was expecting.

"Lo-ve.." he didn't expect that. I free Myself to his hugged and left him hanging in the floor.

I walk towards the girl. I can see how she afraid looking at me. She put her hands in front of her.

Protecting her tummy. Her child. An instinct Thinking deeply if my decision is right, wether it's good for me or just for others benefits?

I'm a girl continuesly walking but with now destination. As I process all the things happened today, I want to cry, scream all my pain and the betrayal I felt.

I feel so lost… no … because the best term is I feel sh\*t. Can you believe that my boyfriend, 1 hour ago becomes my ex? I want to laugh like crazy but damn it hurts so much.

He will become a daddy but not to me, in someone else. When I see him at the ob-gyne, smiling while looking at the monitor where you will see the baby. I can literary say that "Damn, he looks so happy and contented" he's holding the girl's tummy.Looking at him, a tear drop. I lose. I'll lost him.

I walked to the room alone even though I came here to accompany my friend who will become a mother in a few months now, I'm walking to the room with a heavy breathing, one step at a time but inside "one step losing him".

I stayed at the back of the person I want my children to be their father. But I guess it will be just a dust with no destination. No future to look forward.

I look at the monitor, I can see the baby there even thought it's just so small and barely recognize but to think, that it's alive just make me teary eyed.

I place my right arm at my tummy and caressing my palm on it gently. I can't help but to cry silently because I don't want them to know that I'm here, I want them to enjoy their moment.

I can still remember how we plan our wedding day and how we will build our family and even how many children we want, I always ask him how many he wants but he always answered, "It's your body Alli, it's your choice even if we wouldn't have one it's okay as long as you're here with me" but it's a lie.

I know that he wants us to have a child, I just can't give him yet because of my strict parents. They want us to get married first but we're still students and my parents want us to finished our studies first and I thought he respected that.

I thought he loves me truly because for the five years of being together, he never fail to make me feel loved, to show how important I am to him and I'm really grateful for that.

Minute passed the doctor left to finish some papers.

"Thank you." Rex said to his girl. I step backward, so they will not see me.

The girl took his hand and lay on her tummy and smile. A meaningful smile that reach the eyes . I wish I am her.

"No need to thank me, you know that I love you right?" Rex nodded and smile a bit.

His girl can't take her eyes on him while Rex can't take off his eyes on the monitor where the baby can see.

I can say that the girl really loves him, the way she look at him I have no words to complain, I guess he will be on a right hand, right?

I think he will be happy with her, right? Leaving him and giving him up to her will be okay, right? After all, I just want him to be okay and happy, if he find contentment with her then I will be happy for him even it breaks my heart.

"Rex, is it too much to ask, if I ask you to kiss my hand and feel it?" the Girl asked.

I don't know her, in fact this is the first time I saw Rex so close to another girl because he always put a distance to them so that we don't fight.

Rex took her both hands and cover it with his. He place his lips on it. I put my hands to my mouth so that they will not hear me.

I cried.

I don't know how to describe how hurt I am to see them in that position. They look with overflowing love.

If I will stay here for long I don't think I can handle it anymore.

So I show up and call him feeling sorry to ruin their moment but I think I have the rights to know what's going on…

Because I'm still his girlfriend. I deserve to know it.

"Rex…love.." I can see how he froze when I call him, because he knows who it is, I saw how he look so shock.

He immediately dropped the hand of the girl, I saw how her smile broke, feeling sorry for herself. My eyebrows met but I didn't give any attention.

"Hi!" I tried to smile but I just can't, I know this is not supposed to be my reaction as a girlfriend who just got cheated but damn I'm just so tired of everything what I just witness. I just want to finish this, I just need explanation and It's done.

I don't want to shout at him or even slap him. I just don't feel to do anything. The pain, I'm dealing is too much which makes me feel tired.

"Alli…" he's too stunned to speak. He get up immediately and approach me as fast as he could like he's afraid if I run away or what, he held my hand.

And as expected he always hold me like I will break anytime. Like he so much care for me. It's so hard to let him go if his like this.

So I break our contact and put a space behind us, he attempts again but when I look at him he didn't try anymore because he knows by that look that I don't want him close. He knows me too well.

" It's not what you think Alli." This is not the sentence I was expecting.

"A "sorry" for your first sentence will make me at ease a little you know?" I raise my right eyebrow.

The fear on his eyes and movement didn't even fade. I said that so he will calm down and let him know that I will not freak out. But it looks like it's make him nervous more.

I just look at him, hoping that by that gaze he knows what I want him to do.

Just a split of second, he broke down. His shoulder is shaking while his head is down. It breaks my heart seeing him like this. I took a step forward and look at the girl who is sitting now. She can't look at me.

"I just need an explanation Rex, you know that even though I'm be too kind and calm now, you know I have a limit." I'm still a human, a woman who is justloving someone whole heartedly.

I'm still hurt and even I don't want him to hurt. I may hurt him if he have said a words that didn't right.

He step forward and kneeled in front of me, he wrap his arms around my waist. Still crying.

I felt more the intense of his shoulder shaking " I-I am sorry..I'm Sorry"

I look up to prevent my tears flowing.

"I am sorry for you but not to the baby, I am the father and I wanted to face my responsibility. It's mine Alli." I can't breathe.

I know that first time I saw them the baby is his but coming to his own mouth and said it himself hurts more. He breath heavily and look at me. Still kneeling.

"I love you. That's why, when the baby is born I will take him and make you a mother. We will raise him with love, and you… you will be the only mother he will recognized until he gets old." My eyes got bigger because of shock on what just he said. I don't think I can stop crying anymore.

I look at the girl and saw her crying, I look back at Rex, if he was just joking or whatever but damn he is so f\*cking serious.

I know him more than anyone. I can tell wether his joking or not and this one I can tell that he's serious.

I put my right hand to my mouth because of disbelief, his eyes is full of hope and sureness that I will agree to his plan. And because of that. Before he knew, I slapped him so hard. And I didn't regret it.

The girl grasp, now I know why she even use 'wish' to her words

when she ask for a kiss. Because she knows it's impossible.

"Lo-ve." He didn't expect that. I free Myself tyo his hugged and left him hanging in the floor.

I walk towards the girl. I can see how she afraid looking at me. She put her hands in front of her.

Protecting her tummy. Her child. An instinct of a mother. A don't think I can stop crying anymore.

I held her hand "How many months?"

"Three." Even though she's nervous that I might hurt her or harm her baby. She still answer me.

"Can you be a good mother?"

"Yes."

"Can you love him?" refraining to Rex, who's now standing behind me listening.

"Yes", she answered without hesitation.

I smiled " I think it's more than enough, what's your name?"

"Lea." I smiled at her.

"Lea, you can have him now." Her eyes got bigger.. too stunned to speak.

"ALLI!" I close my eyes. This is the first time he yelled at me. He grab my hand and make me face

him. I can't tell what his thinking but all I know is he doesn't like the decision I made.

"This is not what I want. What I want is You to be the mother of my child, and to marry me. Aren't it our dream? To get married and have a child?"

"You already have the one dream Rex, You're now a father. It's just sad that it's not me. But you will be happy I think". I loosen his grip to free myself from him but he grab it more tightly, not wanting me to let go.

"If you leave me, Alli. It's all useless if it's not you, I know I made a mistake but please love… please." He looks at me pleading. I inhaled. I already made a decision.

"It's okay, you can still continue it. Be happy." He let me go already because of decision. That's why I'm already free to his hand.

I turn my back to them. Ready to leave. I can't look back now. I may change my mind but the baby needs his true parent. I know they will love each other eventually.

One step losing him, it's so hard to walk away. All the memories we shared to that 5 years it's instantly flashing to my head. Is it really the end? I think it is.

"But it's not a dream without you-." His last words before I close the door.

I really don't know what spirit entered on my body to made such decisions but I think it's just right. No. it's right. My happiness is nothing over the baby's happiness.

Moving on is not that big deal I guess, walking without is nothing, future without is not a big deal either and that freaking five years is just a year nothing more. But how much I think and convince myself like it's nothing, I know deep down I will miss him.

I put my palm on my face to hide my face on the people walking like me. I'ts already dark and I badly need to go home now but I don't think I can. Not with this face and feelings.

My mom ask with my dad's eyes examining if what I'm saying is true added by my big brother's aggressiveness when it comes someone hurting me.

As I walk in the street I startled when I heard a noise at the back, I saw the five man in black suit like a body guard I only see on tv.

And my brows met when I saw the person they are chasing. I think his age like me. His wearing a Hospital gown and without slippers?

His running like his life depends on it but-

"Get out there!" too late to get out myself off.

"ouch." I winced when my palm hit the ground.

"damn! My escaping plan are totally ruined huh." I'm at the top of the man who's just crash himself on me because of his stupid mind!

"Hey mister, can't you used another side when you saw someone standing on your way?" I irritatingly said. His smirk giving me chills, I stand up.

"seriously? And it's even my fault now? did you even know miss that when someone is running in your direction you need to go on another way to give him a way?" I can't tell if his serious or he just mocking at me but I flinch when I felt the pain on my palm. It' bleeding and it's skin is now half gone.

He stand up and removed the dirt on his hospital gown. He saw my palm and supposedly he will took my arm but two men is now grabbing his both arms. His body guards. He looks feel bad that he didn't even see my palm or is it just my thoughts?.

"okay, okay…I will come." He rolled his eyes in annoyance. When they are walking he looks at me. The direct one like his examining my face.

" I will not say sorry but when we meet again. I will."

His sharp jaw line makes him more hotter. Damn I hate to admit it but his hot.