Trivial thoughts.

You tend to build life as a network of people around you. The family you have tend to be the pillars and foundations of what you start with. Walls are set when you learn how to make friends. You set fixtures of traits taken from the role models of your life. Once you got it all figured out, you have a stable inner temple of what you call yourself. You may take out walls that are destroyed friendships or change the fixtures as you change interests of your role models in your life.

Occasionally the foundations are removed from those closet to you are gone. The worse is when the pillar that kept you and those around you together collapses. You have to spend that time rebuilding from the rubble of what is left.

Some people cope fine loosing a pillar, as they made stability in walls of their temples or they changed their way of life. Some monks no longer carry walls, pillars or foundations. But no everyone is a monk.

We all build ourselves differently.

Some never had family to have a foundation with. Thus they create tents out of the little they have. It may not be stable from the storms of tribulations life gives us in shaking our resolve, but it easy to rebuild tent.

Some live a minimal life, never having interests outside of family and friends. Minimal design, lacking opinions. The easiest to be swayed to break down into something – for better or worse.

Over the years, in comparing people to buildings has help my perspective in life. I see it for myself. Looking back in my memories of what I did and the path that brought me here. It seems rude on the surface, generalizing people as objects. Maybe unhealthy. Yet the foundations that kept me is now gone. And recent events have bought about this. Reflecting.

What I used to want; I no longer want to seek. I am 'grown up', have responsibilities. I learnt hard about those responsibilities. Those lives I held in my hands and passed in them like water through a cloth. Ambitions I wanted because I wanted someone proud, it seems harder to prove it now they are gone.

Everything I held with great light was filtered grey or sometimes. The memories of the good things in my past are now darkened. Details has surfaced of things I wanted forgotten. The stuff I did want to remember more are harder to see. Sometimes completely gone from me.

I have seem to fallen off the way I thought was going to happen. In reality, that is normal and it should be ok to stumble or stray sometimes. Straying isn't great or for the better but it can be if I make the outcome work for me.

It hard to tell. Hard to see. Blinded in my darkness. My regrets. My doubts. My fears.

But I am still here, left behind in the rubble of what my temple was. The pile of broken fixtures, torn walls and unstable footing. Spilt pillars. Darkness. Utter darkness.

I have to get out of this grave I made myself and build my life with the broken parts that can be salvaged. I have to make it work.

Or I just be stuck here alone in my darkness. Maybe that is worse or better. I don't know.