Chapter 20

“Mister Wattana, he will be your instructor – Mister Ren Krittanai,” said the lady receptionist. “Ren, he will be your student, Mister Remil Wattana. He is taking a refresher lesson for automatic vehicles,” she continued as Ren and Mil exchanged salutations. Afterwards, the lady gave Ren Mil’s record file. “Mister Wattana, you can arrange with Ren about your first day. Have a nice day and thank you for choosing Safety Driving School,” she said.

“Thank you,” replied Mil back, after which, he faced his instructor. Mil cannot tell what he felt, but it’s just that he is mesmerized upon seeing Ren, whose charming smile and enticing eyes are like gravity that is pulling him.

“Sawadee krap P’Mil,” said Ren, ensuring to tone up his voice a little bit to be audible.

“Yes. Uhm, I mean, Sawadee P’Ren,” replied Mil, a little confused.

“No need for formality. You can call me Ren.”

“Likewise, you can call me Mil.”

“Alright, Mil. When will be your first day for the refresher lessons?”

“How about today? After lunch? Is that okay?”

“That is just fine. I have no lessons during that time.”

Setting his first day after lunch is something that Mil did for a reason: he wanted them to talk over the meal. And true enough, they did more than talk: they exchanged contact numbers. These were acts not common to two strangers who only met minutes ago.

During the lesson proper, Mil couldn’t help but deviate to personal issues while Ren was doing his lecture. Whether it was okay for Ren, or he is just being respectful enough not to deflect it, Mill cannot tell. Ren, however, did not stop him. Mil felt comfortable that Ren answered his questions, both about the lesson and personal ones. Besides, being just the two of them in a room that can fit five persons, they have the necessary privacy.

“Ren, the first day is supposed to be outside by the car, and that is where you will have your lecture about BLOWBAGETS, starting the engine, and learning the different things on the dashboard, right?” Mil asked upon looking at the course description written in the paper he held.

“We’ll go downstairs later. I just...” Ren can easily finish the sentence with a lie but had difficulty continuing.

“You just what?”

“I…just…want to be alone with you, so…uuhhh…”

“So what?” Mil asked, smiling as he bows his head.

“So…I…can get to know you more,” said Ren. He couldn’t help but blush a bit.

“That’s a violation of the course schedule, isn’t it?” asked Mil with a serious face.

“Please don’t tell them, Mil. We can go to the parking now if you want. Our lecture cars are there,” pleaded Ren. His blush has disappeared because he might lose his job if Mil tells what he has done.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell. In fact, I like it…that…you…are brave enough to do this – to know me,” said Mil, looking Ren in the eye.

“Just tell me if you want to go there to continue.”

“Can we do that on the second day?”

“Yes, but your session will be extended from two hours to four – or maybe four-and-a-half.”

“That is okay. I’ll pay the extra hour if I get charged. We can just continue here, and…uhm…know us more.”

Ren nodded. Mil’s first day ended with him knowing more about his lecturer than driving. Their courting period started that day as well. Mil’s driving lessons were conducted only once a week, and by the seventh day– the last day – they became officially boyfriends, which was more than month after they met.

Ren confessed to Mil about the nature of his other work – being a henchman of Maledict Mingkit – a few months after. This confession did not go smoothly as Ren expected. With his boyfriend being a prosecutor, Ren knew that his part-time work will not sit well with him.

“You know that I can turn you over now to the police with what you told me, right?” said Mil with a look of displeasure.

“And you know that I can kill you now because of what you learned, right?” rebutted Ren.

“Then do it now. Break my neck. Cut my throat. Shoot me in the head.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Why not,” said Mil, taking out his phone. “One phone call from me, and you’ll end up in a concrete box for the rest of your life,” he continued.

“Because I love you, Mil. I won’t even lay a finger on you.”

“I love you too, Ren. Turning you over is the last thing I would do, but we cannot go on like this.”

Mil said his last statement with enough force to penetrate through Ren, who realized that their relationship will be difficult if it continued. In his last effort, Ren assured him that Mingkit wouldn’t find out about them, and that he will do everything to keep it a secret from his boss. However, Mil dismissed the idea.

“That is like hiding behind a plate of clear glass, Ren. I think we should do what is right and end this now.”

It was a cruel decision, but to Ren, Mil was right. It’s a death sentence should Ren disband from Mal’s group, and he is putting his family’s life in peril as well if he does. Without a clear recourse, Ren agreed despite how painful it was. Not only should they stop their relationship, but, for the sake of safety, they should stop talking as well. Their connections – all of it, wherever and whatever it is – should be stopped as well.

“But, at least, allow me to send you something every now and then. Even a simple letter,” Ren said as his tears gather in his eyes.

“If you do, use this address: 36-1 Ranghong Street, Bangkok. 10600. Is this really the end, Ren?” asked Mil, equally sad.

“I’m afraid so, Mil,” said Ren. He hugged his boyfriend tightly afterwards. “If it comes to that day that I killed someone I’m not supposed to, I will send you something,” he continued.

“What are you talking about Ren?” asked Mil as he broke from his boyfriend’s embrace.

“An atonement…for everything I’ve ever done. They say there is a special place in Hell for whatever we did wrong. I believe that for me, I may be sent to more than one, with the need to be dragged from one to the other every hour,” Ren replied, holding Mill’s face with both hands. “When that day comes, and I send you that something, that could be the last day of my life. Promise me, Mil, promise me you will do whatever I ask of you when that day comes,” said Ren, to which Mil nodded.

“Say it, Mil. Say ‘I promise’,” Ren reiterated.

“I promise I’ll do it.” They kissed for the last time as boyfriends before Ren left.

From then on, they used the phrase for more than a salutation. It means that one will always be sorry for everything he had done, and that both will always love each other despite not being together.

After that day, they never saw each other again, nor even talked. For Mil, he never got to see Ren’s house – the one he had built for his mother – which his ex-boyfriend always raved about.

When Mil sees the note in the paper, fear slowly creeps to him. He thinks as to what Ren will want him to do. He sets the paper aside, picks up the voice recorder, and plays it.

“Sawadee krap Mil. It’s been a while since we last talked, and I never thought that this is how we will talk again after we broke up. Do you remember what I told you about atonement? The atonement I will do in case I killed someone I am not supposed to? This is it, Mil. Everything in this briefcase I sent you – even this recording – is part of it.

Mil, I killed Doctor Sebastian Yankhun today: Maledict Mingkit wanted him dead because of some deal that went awry. Unintentionally, I killed another too: Doctor Exeter Helman, a colleague of Doctor Yankhun from Pharm Botanical Research Institute.

I made an oath that in case someone else gets implicated in my mission, I will take my own life in return, and today I am fulfilling that oath. So, in case you are listening this, it means that I have taken my own life because I took one I should not. This act is nothing compared to the many lives I’ve taken – no, more like stole. I remember you telling me once that you believe that there is still a sliver of humanity left in me. I am practicing that humanity now with this sacrifice. Maledict may have brought out the monster in me, but you taught me to be humane without me knowing it. I never got the chance to thank you for that, but I’ll do it if we meet again.

With this confession, I am entrusting to you this metal briefcase. It contains all the evidence about the mob of Mingkit. These are strong ones and will guarantee conviction. With the magnitude of the power you hold to bring down his band of criminals single-handedly, you must not show these proofs to just any member of the police or the army. Don’t even go to the press and present these before national television. Instead, set up a private meeting with Sergeant Marlon Wiyapong, preferably at your home, so that you will be safe. Never discuss anything about this matter in public. If he asks how do I know him, remind him of the incident that happened three months ago where he commandeered my car to chase some felons who robbed a bank. This you must do the soonest, Mil, because although Mingkit doesn’t know you, he has ways of finding out information – a lot of ways. Plus, Sergeant Wiyapong is not working for them – trust me, I know. At first light tomorrow, Mil, you must go and do what I’ve told you. I wrote the sergeant’s phone number at the back of the paper with our salutation. Use it to call him.

Also, there is an envelope marked “Yuna” inside the briefcase. You are a man of the law; you know what to do with it.

I know that this is too much to ask of you, Mil. However, I have no one else to turn to. Do this for me.

“Don’t worry, Ren. I won’t fail you,” Mil said, tearing up. The recording ends with a static. After setting it down, he picks up a piece of Post-it from his table and writes a note there, sticking it on the small cabinet by his bed before he sleeps: “Call Sgt. Wiyapong now!!!”