11. THE PAST IS IN THE PAST

Brent's whole demeanour has changed from the moment he appeared in front of my house to now. He was an angry man who seemed harsh and unapproachable but now he seems tender and kind.

His eyes have a soft sadness to it and his smile is genuine and sweet. I follow the line of his jaw and look at the fine lines on his face. It would be great to sketch him. I haven't tried sketching in years but he has a kind of beauty that makes me want to put it down on paper.

The sounds of the storm outside makes his kind smile even more inviting in here. I feel like a small girl hiding from someone who is searching for us during a game of hide and seek. In stead of hiding alone I am hiding with someone who feels like a good friend. It is odd to think that I have known him less than a day.

"Do you want to tell me why you have that sadness in your eyes when you say you don't have a wife or kid to look after your antiques should you die?" I ask Brent in a soft caring voice.

His smile doesn't reach his eyes.

"I lost my young family years ago in a boating accident. I have run the events over and over in my head and even though I know very well that I was not to blame, I still feel responsible." He looks at me and my heart twists in my chest.

"I am sorry for your loss. How long ago was this?"

"About twenty years." He states almost absentmindedly. His thoughts are clearly in the past where he lost his family.

"Oh, you are old!" I jokingly tell him. His features break out in a broad genuine smile and I am relieved that he is not offended by my unappropriated sense of humour.

"Oh yeah? How old are you?" He asks me through his feint laughter.

"Twenty-five" I lift my chin while I tell him my age. I don't know why women do not want to divulge their age. I have always been proud of who I was and what I have achieved. Right now, there is very little of my life I could bring with me. My age is something I didn't change.

"Ah, little sapling" Brent says while smiling endearingly at me. His smile melts my heart and makes me want to hug him. He looks like he needs a hug. He also looks like he would stiffen if I should try to hug him.

Little sapling. I smile at the thought.

"What is your age, old tree?"

"Forty-two" His smile fades a bit. Somehow hearing his age makes him even more attractive to me. I have always been attracted to older men. Some call it "daddy issues". I call it "wanting to be with a mature man."

"Ah, you will be a silver fox soon" He chuckles at this.

A loud crack sound outside. I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them. I rest my head on my knees. I do not like this storm. It is making me very nervous. I know I cannot have a panic attack right now because I am stuck in this small space with Brent. I try to keep my breathing even.

Brent touches my hand and gives it a little squeeze before taking his hand away.

"It's okay, Little Sapling" his voice is soothing and caring.

I look up at him and smile my thanks.

"If you could go back in time, would you want to see your family again?" I ask Brent, more to distract myself from the storm. I feel a bit selfish for asking him. I just wanted to keep the conversation going so I am not focussed on the storm. I should have chosen a different topic but that was what was on my mind at that moment.

"I do not think I would." Brent answers without hesitation.

"You do not think you would because you can't? Or are you sure you would not even if there was a possibility you could?"

Brent thinks about this a little longer. He obviously realised that I am not a yes and no kind of person. He will need to offer a bit of an explanation when answering my questions.

"You see, Lubelle. There are things in this world that you can do if you want, and there are things you shouldn't do even if you can. The past is in the past for a reason. Even if you can go back in time to visit the past, it would only be a visit." His smile is sad again. "What would the sense of visiting the past be if you cannot bring the thing, you are longing for with you?" he pauses and seems to think about it more.

"Even if there was a way to go to any exact time in the past where you can see someone you lost, it would be like looking at a photograph. You cannot interact with them. You cannot warn them of what lies in their future. I do not believe that you can change a person's time of death. If I were to intervene and tell my wife not to get on the boat, I believe that something else would have happened and she would have died in another way."

I nod slowly.

"You seem to have thought about this before." I tell him softly.

"Well, I have never been asked the question before, but I am a very open-minded person." His smile is soft and friendly again before he continues.

"If you were to go to the past and warn someone of their looming death, what do you think their quality of life would be after that? A mother would not worry about herself, but knowing that her child will not reach his next birthday? It would drive her mad. She will become overprotective and paranoid. She would fear anything and everything. It would be unfair to ruin someone's life if you cannot change their fate." He sounds factual now. He is only working with the information now, there is not a lot of emotion going with his words.

What he says makes sense to me.

"And what would happen if you were to go back in time and bring that person with you to the future? Their loved ones in the past would find them missing. Let's say, you go back to the past and bring someone you loved twenty years ago back here with you. Your past self would live an absolute tortured life for the next twenty years before finding out that you were the reason they suffered." He thinks again for a moment. "And what if your past self meets someone else and goes on with their lives, would your life then change as well." He chuckles and adds, "I don't think it is possible to be sure of what would happen if you could go back in time but I think I just confirmed that there would be consequences we cannot contemplate."

I haven't thought of things to this extent.

"So, you stick to No" I smile at him

"I stick to No" He returns my smile. "I have dealt with the loss I have suffered. It would make no sense to open old wounds. Is there someone you would like to visit if it was possible to go to the past?"

"There is no one." I tell him honestly. "My mother died when I was very little. I cannot remember her really. My father worked hard to care for me but that meant that he was absent a lot. I was raised by my aunt who preferred that I keep to myself. It was difficult for her to take me in since she lost her own daughter that previous year. I prefer to be by myself."

A silence falls over us. Each of us lost in our own thoughts. I think about my aunt. She wasn't a bad person, she just had trouble mothering another child after losing her own. Even as a small child I realised that and attempted not to be a bother to her. I kept to myself and stayed out of sight.

When I was old enough to go to boarding school, she welcomed the idea almost too eagerly. I finished school and got a place of my own. My father died while I was in high school. I never contacted my aunt again. I truly believe that she is happier for it.

I look at Brent who also seems lost in his own thoughts. I do not know how long these emergency lights will still hold. Soon we will be sitting here in the dark with the worst storm I have ever seen still raging outside.

I close my eyes to listen to the cracks of thunder and the wind howling outside.

"Don't worry Little Sapling" Brent soothes again.