Remember

I remember the bustling lights. Streets full of noise and the heavy air filling it, not because it was tying me down, no that was just the way the air was in general. Tho I do remember one thing. One thing i will never forget. I- I... remember having a family once, a happy one. At Least i think so...

I can't remember their faces any more. It's gotten to faint over time. Only the wague siluets are left. One big and a bit burly, holding around one with a soft and elegant feel, standing there together with something little in their arms. At least that is how I imagine it. I imagine them smiling at me...

This picture, this feeling is burned into my heart and soul. I have pictured this for myself many times. It sometimes feel as if I can still feel the soft and loving touch of a mother, the rough, firm but still gentle hands of a father and the happy, innocent laughter of a child accompanied by a tug at my sleeve. I remember the happiness. The warm feeling in my chest, that I still carry with me till this day. At least that feeling I will never let go of. At least this, I will try to hold on to for as long as I draw breath.

...

Just as this thought passes through my head another hit comes 'PAH!'* and knocks me out of my dazed stupor and groggy happy memories, ass if trying to defy my will, and end the little happiness i feel.

...

It wasn't always this bad, it all turned worse after mom died. Or maybe it all started back in that church? It's something that has been stuck in my head for ass long ass i can remember, even more than my happy memories.

The memory of me entering a beautifully built church there was still under construction. I think I was on a trip with some friends there, not sure tho. They have long since faded from my memory, but I do remember entering this church and even though it was still under construction, it was still so beautiful. We went in and this special feeling just drags me in. I remember the feeling it gave me. It's hard to describe it. It is probably best described as indescribable. It just filled me up in this special way. The next thing I know I'm all alone within a weird half finished part of the church, and 'BAM!' lights go out, like a candle's flame, It flickered before the flame died down. I imagine more or less like what will probably happen with the next hit coming straight for my head.

...

'PAH!* Nope this definitely feels worse....

This time is really bad, I can't remember father ever being this mad. It wasn't even that bad what I did this time. When dad came home he saw what my little brother left on the flor. The brow gift on the floor, wall and me holding a little all dirtied giggling Mathias. He instantly got mad and started walking towards Mathias wanting to teach Mathias a lesson. I seeing the look in his eyes knew that and instantly got in his way to try to calm him down and explain the situation but it only got him more mad. I knew it had to be done to protect him, but his rage filled eyes and the stench of alcohol which usually doesn't cover him tells me that I should not question him, not this time. Keep quiet and take the hits no matter how unfair it is, at least it's better that it's me than my little brother.

...

'BAM'* This time I have really made him mad by getting in his way. It wasn't even that bad back when mom had just left this world. I was very little back then so I don't remember much but I do remember.

It was back in the beginning of autumn. I can't remember much, but I do remember the cold wind against my skin on that day, it's howling blending with the noise coming from within the house. It kept building up, and the howling from within the house got another voice added to it and became a choir in the night. One little telling the world here it is, ready fighting for its place in it. Another slowly quieted down as the other came. After a while it all got quiet. The only sounds left being the wind still rustling the trees.

My mom never came back after that. I was told mommy had to go somewhere else, but the next thing I knew, I had a little brother. We didn't expect him to make it without my mom, but the the nice lady, Leda there lived a little further down the street also had a baby and she was so nice that she offered to help us.

We would often be left all alone in the big and cold house. I would be the one left who had to run over with my little brother no matter the time or weather just so he could get something to eat. I had to do something for my brother. I was the only one there to take care of him, if not me then who would.

You might think that my father should, but who would then earn the money for the house. I understand the importance of having money fore the house. To be honest it's not always bad. We could always go over to the nice lady's house and there where always warm over at the nice lady's house.

My father didn't really trust that I or my brother wouldn't burn down the house if he left the fire to us while he was gone. So we could only really fan the embers and huddle up until they died down, go out searching for small sticks or other things we could burn that my father wouldn't notice was gone. I did not want him to catch me stealing the wood at home again. last time he did i couldn't sit for a week after the disciplining. Not that there was much to steal to begin whit. But over at the nice ladies house there would always be warmth. There were no problems like a leaking roof or wind squeezing in from cracks in the walls as at home. Most importantly of all, I would always be meet whit a smile from Leda when i came over. It became the place i could escape to, my second home, a warm home.