Chapter 4: Paula Hijacks the Chapter

What up dipshits, I hope you had fun reading the previous 3 chapters. No wait, actually I don't. I hope it was the most miserable pile of slob you've ever read. Why? Because dipshits, I wasn't in it obviously.

Who the fuck am I you ask? Just read the chapter title. I'm best girl obviously. Name's Paula best remember it. Wait I was in the prologue? And you thought I was a bitch? Well nobody fucking asked you dipshit. Anyways, I'm hijacking the story narration for this chapter so let's see… what even happened in the prologue with me again? Self-insert mcboringass aka Xavier here was serving me a drink? Hmm… yeah you know what, it's not his fucking chapter so I'm just going start before then.

Okay, let's go back now about 4 years before The Starlight. I think about then is how far back you'll need to go to see the true superior nature of me, Paula Moni, clearly the most superior human being you will ever meet. Back then I was 18 and looking fly as shit on my motorcycle and leather jacket on the streets of Miami. You wanted drugs? You came to me. You wanted to find a party? You came to me. You wanted a hook… nice companion for the night? You came to me.

Yeah, I bet you didn't expect a delinquent in this story did you? Well too bad, I'm here anyways. Even back in high school I got into too many fights. Boys think they're tough as shit until they get knocked flat on their ass you know what I'm saying? Shit really hit the fan when I whacked a guy at school who tried to hit on me with one of the classroom chairs . Creepy fuck tried to give me flowers or some shit. Yeah, couldn't really justify that one with the principal to be honest. Soon the expulsion notice was given to me.

It didn't matter much though. I was basically on the streets already at the time anyway. My parents disowned me. Well, I can't really blame them, they were honestly hard working fishers trying their best so I'll leave them out of this. Anyways, back to the most important person ever, me of course, I quickly took full time to the back alleys of Miami where I had already established myself as a well known drug dealer. Slowly I learned the ins and outs of the game. Before I knew it, I was pushing pounds of snow a week making mad cash with connects from Cuba to Columbia.

Yeah honestly, I was definitely hot shit back then. How exactly did I end up being friends with frilly ass BL lover Melanie Suwi anyways you ask? Well shit, I mean it isn't a drug story unless we hear about some run ins with the law now is it? Well that's what happened to me 2 years ago. One of my supplier boys, forgot that dipshit's name, tried to sneak some supply in from a cruise ship. Which one? Well the exact name doesn't matter, but you probably guessed it, it was one of Mr. Suwi's.

He actually came to me directly with Melanie that day in my run down apartment on 12th street. He gave a knock on my door standing outside with some tough looking dudes in sun glasses and black suits. What was I doing at the time? Like any real criminal I was playing Pokemon obviously. Can I say that? Is that going to be copyright infringed too? Whatever, that's too iconic to parody anyway. Yeah I was playing on my old Gameboy when he came knocking. Knew I was screwed then and there when they had my bitch ass supplier boy standing there too with his suitcase crying.

"I'll make you a deal," he said to me. Luckily we both had some things to lose at the time. Obviously, he was part of that 1% rich enough to cover his ass anytime he wanted so he had some leverage. Still, it wouldn't have been good for his rep if it was found out some dude managed to get past security and smuggle some coke onto his cruise line.

"You seem like a tough girl from what bitch ass smuggler boy told me."

Well, he didn't use those exact words but you get the idea.

"My dear daughter Melanie here happens to be going off to college soon and might need some protection."

That's when he offered me the position to be Melanie's private body guard. Well, between that and jail, I didn't really have much of a choice on the matter. Before I knew it, I got to know Melanie and her family friends at the rich ass private all-girls college she went to.

I won't go too hard on little Melanie, girl did pay my bills after all. We use to stay in a bougie two bedroom apartment where I had to keep a careful watch on her at all times. She's a nice girl really; only weird parts were when she stayed up all-night watching BL or nature documentaries. Girl thought she was clever too but I could always hear two guys moaning from inside her room. Silly Melanie honestly, at least she's cute though.

Yeah Yeah, for those of you thinking I suck at my job for not watching over Melanie when she jumped over the window, just know that I just happened to be in the bathroom at the time okay! No need to go into details about my sobriety nor that I was puking my guts out, that's not important we can ignore that. What is important is what happened immediately afterwards. You see, right when I returned to the room Melanie and I had been staying at, I did notice the room was vacant and the window was open.

"Haha Melanie, this must be one of your pranks or something." I said looking around the room for her. She's a small girl so really she could have fit anywhere including in some of the cabinets.

"Where are ya! I swearrrr, Ima get ya!"

See caring. Would someone who wasn't responsible be looking for the one they were assigned to protect? What's that? Aren't there bathrooms in the room we were staying at?

…

Okay Okay dipshits you caught me, look I'm not going to claim I'm the most reliable narrator in the world, only an entertaining one. And it's more convenient and entertaining to say I was in a bathroom outside the room and not irresponsibly taking shots partying at the upstairs bar with the cute bartender there. I mean who in their right mind would have thought someone would jump out a fucking window into the sea for some motherfucking BL Comics! Yuri's way better but I digress.

Anyways, what was the fallout then after a long search for Melanie and Xavier after they disappeared from the cruise ship? Hell if I know, like any responsible and honorable adult in this situation, I decided to sneak away onto one of the life boats of the ship. What? Did you forget I'm a wanted drug dealer? Mr. Suwi would hand my ass to the police faster than Xavier can fail at being an interesting MC once it was completely confirmed that I had ditched my duties as body guard and let Melanie slip away from the cruise ship. For all I knew, she could have been dead at the time.

"So longggggg dumbasses!" I shouted as I began to row away from the ship. I didn't carry anything with me at the time except for of course my trusted Gameboy. Got to have your priorities straight when you're making a getaway from civilization know what I'm saying?

Yeah look, I never claimed to be the smartest chick in the world either. I didn't have a compass or even my phone with me the next day so I had no fucking idea where I was even going to row to. But I had to go somewhere, so I just kept rowing and rowing and rowing. Eventually after about half a day and being hungry as fuck, I saw a small sail boat that had started to sail past me. Quickly I rowed my way towards to boat.

On the boat was a tan skinned man wearing only a seaweed skirt and some sort of tribal wooden mask. I'll just leave it at that, don't really want to culturally appropriate or anything.

"Hun…hungry," I said to him as I climbed aboard his boat.

"I'm very hungry, can you please help me out here?"

What did he say to me after I asked that? Now look, like I said, I may be a fucked up delinquent criminal on the run, but I'm not the type to offend anyone in case what he said to me was an actual language okay? Point is, I didn't understand jack shit what he said back but it sure as fuck wasn't English. Still, not like I had many options at the time. For a while I just sat there awkwardly on the boat. I tried my best to communicate using hand gestures like rubbing my tummy to indicate my hunger. To that at least, he seemed to understand and quickly operated the boat towards a nearby island.

Was it the island Xavier and Melanie landed on? No, what the fuck, have you even been paying attention? Obviously not. I was on some other island in the Bermuda triangle where mmm… how do I put this? It was an island operated by a tribal cult or something that all wore wooden tribal masks.

"Oh okay okay cool," I thought to myself when I arrived surrounded by other wooden masked people on the island who spoke the same language as the first man. There were only about 100 people total on the island who all lived in wooden huts that were built near the beach. Two of them held onto my arms as the others huddled around in a circle discussing what I assume would be what they would do with me.

"I've seen this before in movies," I thought, "This is the part where they take me in as one of their own and I begin learning the ways of their ancient tribe and lifestyle."

And that's exactly what happened…

My fucking ass. Turns out racism exists in isolated tribes too and the first thing they did was immediately lock me up in one of the wooden huts which I assumed to be their prison. Yeah I know… what the fuck. And here I was expecting an island tribal adventure. The wooden hut I was locked in was mostly enclosed except for a small rectangular window at the bottom where the islanders would pass me fish and other food during the day. Yeah, I wish I could tell you some of the cool traditions and lifestyles of the islanders but I was pretty much in solitary confinement. I couldn't see jack when I looked out the window except for a view of the sea and occasionally several islanders who would pelt rocks at my hut. Honestly, at the time, I probably would have preferred just being in regular American jail.

Oh well… at least I had my Gameboy and 3 Pokemon games. I was honestly shocked they didn't confiscate those but I guess even racist islanders have some respect. But yeah, for the next 2 weeks or so that's literally all I did in my locked up wooden hut. I would turn on my Gameboy and grind Pokemon. Really no different than middle school now that I think about it.

Anyways, after 2 weeks of really nothing interesting happening other then getting my hut pelted by rocks and playing Pokemon, one of the islanders finally decided to let me out.

"Wait hold up, I'm still battling the elite 4 can you give me a moment?" I said as he opened the door. Of course, his reply to me was in a completely different language so I still had no idea what the fuck he said. A group of the masked islanders than grabbed me and tied my hands up with some rope.

"What… what the hell!"

Without warning, they tossed me and my Gameboy and Gameboy games onto a small wooden boat and pushed me away from the island. As I slowly drifted away from shore, I saw the lot of them cheering and screaming what I assumed to be insults at me.

"Whelp at least this can't get worse!" I said to myself as I drifted away from the island back into the open sea. God or whoever must have heard that though and laughed as almost immediately the clouds in the sky began to darken.

"Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!" I said diving on top of my Gameboy and Pokemon Games. What? Like I said, I have my priorities straight. Luckily no rain came damaging my precious device. Only the extremely harsh winds that continuously rocked the small wooden boat I was on back and forth. I'm not sure why but there must have been something in the air because my eyes suddenly began feeling droopy. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep lying stomach down on my Gameboy.

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**Xavier Narrating Now**

It's been 15 days since Melanie and I washed onto the shores of the unknown island we were on. About 3 days ago, the mysterious Canadian android woman, Fiona, literally fell from the sky and joined us on the island. For some reason she happened to carry 4 small tent kits with her in the space pod she had come in. We had been sleeping in our own tents the past 3 days around the campfire spot we had originally set up. Other than that, nothing really has changed from the usual routine Melanie and I had before of fishing and gathering berries on the island for food.

Of course, being an android, Fiona didn't need to eat. She was tasked instead with exploring other parts of the island while Melanie and I went fishing. It was on the 15th day while doing that exact task when we happened to see a small wooden boat approach us from the distance in the ocean.

"Hey, you see that?" I said to Melanie pointing at it in the distance.

"Yeah yeah, looks like some sort of small boat."

"You… you think it's the rescue team?"

"Nah doubt it, they'd send at least a few cruise lines and some helicopters for us. At least the private ones we own."

Perks of being rich I suppose. Anyways, as the small wooden ship approached us, we noticed that on the ship was a person. When we got a closer look, the person appeared to be a curly haired blonde woman with a red two piece swimming suit on. Wait… she looks familiar. I'm sure I've seen this exact build, cloth, and hair on a person before. Wait… it couldn't be right?

"Paula!!!!!!!!!!" Melanie shouted running towards the sleeping woman when the boat washed up to us. The curly haired girl shot up and looked at her.

"Mel… Melanie!?!??!" She said looking up at her. Melanie gave her a quick hug before she began to untie her. As she did, I approached as well causing Paula to stare at me.

"And… and… dipshit?"

"The name's Xavier thank you very much…"

Melanie untied Paula who grabbed what appeared to be a Gameboy and some Pokemon games with her on the boat and stepped onto the shore.

"Holy shit Paula it's actually you! How did you even get here?"

"Long story Melanie, and I could ask you the same thing. What the hell are you doing on this island with dipshit over there?"

Okay… remain calm. Wait to be honest this is a little too convenient isn't it? I'm the only guy here on a deserted island with 3 three fairly attractive women. God must have blessed me with some sort of harem story right? Yeah… that's got to be it.

"It's uhh… nice to see you again too…" I said muttering to Paula before going back to my thoughts.

"Okay, let's think clearly and examine the tropes here. Melanie's like the genki fujoshi girl that's meant for girls to relate to. I've definitely seen that before. Fiona's a sort of kuudere emotionless android I guess. Seen that too though for some reason she's Canadian. That means based on how she's been talking to me and our interactions so far… Paula must be the short tempered violent tsundere girl! Yeah, I should ignore her comments and give her a chance."

Just as I was thinking that however, I was quickly shoved to the ground by Paula.

"Who… who is that gorgeous redhead!??!"

"Oww… what the?"

As I got up and dusted myself off, I turned around and saw that Fiona had returned from exploring the island for the day.

"Oh that's Fiona, she's apparently an android from Canada who…"

"Shut up dipshit," Paula said shoving me back onto the ground. She then approached Fiona and began to feel up her body.

"Please stop" Fiona said blankly.

"Ahhhhh... but you're just soooooo cute and have such nice proportions," Paula said rubbing her waist and stomach.

"Paula no, what the hell, you can't do that!" I shouted at her.

"What do you mean dipshit? Of course I can. Don't you know how this works? I have a vagina therefore I can do whatever I want to other women without getting in trouble."

So this is why feminism hasn't progressed…

"Fiona's my name,"

"Mmmmhmmm…. Fiona eh? How about me and you get to know each other better for a bit?" Paula said putting an arm around Fiona and walking along the shore

"Is… is she always like that?" I asked Melanie.

"Yeah pretty much, as long as I've known her, she's been fond of pretty girls,"

"What… you mean she's a…"

"She's a lesbian yes."

"Oh…"

"…"

"…"

"And she's also my body guard."

"What?!?!"

"Yeah, my dad sort of took her in from the streets a few years back and made her guard me instead of putting her in prison. I wonder how she got here anyways."

"Yeah that makes sen… no actually it doesn't where did that backstory even come from? A bodyguard? I thought she was just one of your snooby family friends or something."

"What? No no… she's my body guard. Yeah, dad's real worried due to my small stature that I'd get bullied or something, so they hired her as my personal body guard. Honestly… she wasn't very good at her job."

"Uh-huh…."

"Yeah I mean whenever we were in the city, she'd always care way more about whatever cute girl we see at the time instead of really keeping an eye out on me. Like who does that? Like I get it you know, you like girls, but you don't have to share every detail about your fantasies and make every situation about hitting on girls. Sometimes when we're having a conversation, it feels like she's just talking to a brick and I'm not even really there."

"Like how you turn every situation into an Yaoi one?"

"Yaoi is holy art, that's completely different."

"…"

"…"

"Yeah… anyways let's just catch some fish and join up with them. We have an extra mouth to feed now."

"Okay dipshit!"

"…."

"…"

"I'm going to tell Paula and your parents when we get rescued you got us in this situation for some Yaoi magazines."

"Just kidding Mr. Xavier! I meant to say uhh… dip….dependable! As in you're really dependable as a person and would never do that to me! Haha haha haha."

"You're lucky your cute you know that."

"…"

"…"

"Wow what a simp."

"Hey Paula! You want to know how we got here?" I said running towards Paula and Fiona.

"Wait wait wait just kidding you're the best Xavier! Coolest guy I know!" Melanie said tackling me. As lifted my head off of the ground, I looked off into the distance and gave out a small sigh.

"I'm the only guy you know…"