Michael_v1

random whims of inspiration, compendium of ideas a collection of stories, future manuscripts, archive of dumb ideas, SSC (short story collection) anthology. 2am writings, rambles and rants. Let's "try" to make this a weekly thing, but don't expect much.

UNTitled,Michael_v11644145100

I have said the words "I love you" to my parents a hundred times, if not more. Every single time I say it often times they'll just shrug and repeat it back to me.


I can be having a bad day or a good day, with tears in my eyes or with a smile.


Maybe... maybe once in a rare moment they'll hug me back and say "I love you" back.


However something in the three words "I love you" is so hard to convey the emotions that I'm feeling properly. Is it just a greeting? is it sincere?


No matter how many times I say it. The people I say it to can never really know how I feel when I say it to them. Whether it's when I've read something sad and I think of them. Or when I'm on a phone call missing home.


But I say it anyways because I can. Because one day I may say it to them, but they'll no longer be there to hear me. To repeat it back to me, to know that I truly do love them.


Why is it then that there's another phrase that they understand a lot more with me on an emotional level?


When I'm hurt, or angry, a momentary lapse of judgement and sense of reason will the words "I hate you" slip out.


I can say "I love you" a hundred million times and maybe the best I get is a smile. But when I say the words "I hate you" in anger once and they start to cry.


I've said it to grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins, siblings, mom and dad. Every time they know that I mean it.


They try to brush it off with a smile and comfort me, saying "It's ok" or "You don't really mean that"


I've seen them cry or become deeply hurt by that phrase. One time my grandfather wouldn't even look or speak to me for three days when I said that to him.


It is not the letter "I" or the word "you" in that sentence, because we both know who I'm talking about when I say it. I don't think it's just the word "hate" either, although it's very a strong word.


I don't curse a lot or use profane words often, so my family knows that I'm very emotional when I use the words, "Fuck" or "Bitch" if I ever use them at all.


I can listen to others say it, but never to family if I can help it.


Something about the phrase "I hate you", wounds people. Much more than just "Fuck you" or "Go to hell".


The phrase "I hate you" cuts deep, because it comes from a place of anger and raw emotion. When you lose yourself and self control do you say those words in anger.


I wish that when I say the words "I love you" that you react just as strongly to the words "I hate you"


I remember in the first grade when I wrote my school assignment about who our heroes, I wrote about you Dad. Some people wrote about firefighters and astronauts, famous presidents and historic figures and I wrote about you.


You were my hero Dad, I looked up to you, and although I don't revere you as much as I did when I was a kid. I still admire you, the things you've done, the things you still do for me.


All those times you went back home and saved me in school by bringing the homework assignments I left at home. The snacks you'd supply me after school when I was hungry and wouldn't have dinner until 8pm.


watching my sister yell at my dad, him storming off in anger


"曾梦想仗剑走天涯" （I once dreamed of walking the world with a sword）


https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1hD4y1D77q?t=1.5


My Dad's a hero