Confessions and Delusions

A whole school year had come and gone just like that.

First, there was the spring where it was comfortable to walk around town, not feeling hot nor cold. Byeol could note a memorable event of that spring, Eunchae had invited the other two to go to a show where neither Byeol nor Hyunsik knew the band, but they ended up enjoying themselves more than they imagined. They all got a good earful for getting home too late.

Then, the humid and scorching summer in which they had their joint birthday party. Instead of a family gathering like before, and seeking to celebrate their somewhat independence, they picked a spot by the Han River and had a picnic, ending the day with a birthday song and a strawberry cake.

And the cool autumn where the trio snuggled together on their break and after school, having warm canned drinks.

Finally, that winter. It was a frigid one. Not only because of the cold, but also the pressure of the entrance exam. If Hyunsik was already barely with the other two during that period, in the months leading to the exam, he wasn't available at all, even at school.

In a conversation they had, Byeol learned that Hyunsik's family moved to Seoul because of a family scandal which rendered his father as the only heir of the Hwang's family conglomerate, the SPK Group.

When they all lived in Daegu, Hyunsik's dad was already strict with his son's studies, but ever since becoming SPK Group's CEO he became closed off and distant, his only concern being to develop Hyunsik into a capable future head of the company. And that was all he spoke about with his son.

Whereas for Eunchae, she wasn't shaken by the exam and instead spent her time with her friends and living her younger years to the fullest while they lasted.

The chats Eunchae and Byeol had alone and the places they went together left a deep impression on him. Eunchae opened up about her troubles, and so did Byeol. He found a new respect for her, and they became closer than ever.

But as the senior's school years came to an end, Byeol couldn't help but feel anxious about being left alone. Of course he had other friends in his year, but still, his two closest friends were the most important to him.

At a certain point during that period, Byeol overheard a conversation in class, "...You should definitely do it… come on, tell her how you feel. Either way, we are probably not going to see each other again after we graduate!"

That conversation lingered in his mind from time to time. He wanted to stay friends with the other two forever, but not sharing the same place, being left out of conversations, sharing different experiences. These factors were destined to dictate where a friendship was going, after all, if you only see each other once in a while, and are engrossed with other friend groups, at some point, you will probably have nothing in common anymore.

This all could be an overstatement, but when you are younger and naive, it's hard not to feel like everything's the end of the world. And that was how Yoon Byeol was feeling.

The day before graduation, at home, Byeol watched the petals flowing through the wind and the vacant street from his window. The thoughts wouldn't leave his head, and he didn't know how to bring up these concerns to his friends.

To add insult to injury, he had doubts about his feelings towards his best friend, Eunchae.

She was gorgeous, reliable, fun, the idol at their school. Wherever they went together, people gathered and attempted to strike a conversation with her. Even his classmates asked if Byeol could introduce them to her.

But, were these feelings really love or just admiration?

At that moment, his classmates' words came to his mind.

"You should definitely do it."

"We are probably not going to see each other again."

Byeol exhaled deeply. And then, he made a decision that would linger in his mind for years.

"I don't want to have any regrets… yeah, let's just do it and hope for the best!" he cheered himself up.

The school's rooftop was a place normally locked to students.

On that day, however, for Byeol's luck, there weren't any supervisors around, and after all the ceremonies for the seniors were done, he managed to gently lure Eunchae to the rooftop.

The sun was just starting to set and Byeol had just said the words: "I like you, Park Eunchae."

She stood there for a fair amount of time. Dumbfounded, speechless, shocked, and all other synonyms could fit into her condition.

Eunchae finally began to answer, but with a certain difficulty.

"Byeol, why are you doing this… I-I'm… this is so complicated. I can't really explain it right now, but… This has NOTHING to do with your personality or how you look, alright? As I've told you, you're absolutely handsome and amazing and I adore you very much, but you have to understand this is really just me, I'M the problem, ok? Wait… problem? Well, anyway, just remember that. Ok, listen," Eunchae grabbed his shoulders, "I know you tend to be impulsive sometimes and there's probably something else on your mind that made you say that, I just know it. Let's just pretend this never happened and keep our friendship, what do you say?"

She hit the nail right on the head. Byeol was confused and her guess made him realize that. He couldn't shake the shame and awkwardness at that moment, though.

Seeing Byeol's stoned self, Eunchae fished for ideas in her mind, and after a short while she released his shoulders. Finding her phone, she walked a few steps away. "Stay right there, Byeol!"

"…For fuck's sake… if this is going to become awkward anyway, we might as well put everything on the table. Hyunsik? Come to the rooftop right this instant…" she thought of something that would make him hurry, "Byeol's not feeling well, he looks like he's gonna pass out! No, no, you don't have to call an ambulance, just come here!"

People had confessed to Eunchae before and she turned them down respectfully and never spoke to them again, but Byeol wasn't just anyone. He was one of her most important friends and also the boy her friend liked.

Eunchae thought Hyunsik was asexual for the longest time, but all the puzzle pieces came together when he told her about his feelings for Byeol.

She had a premonition that this day was going to end weirdly, but at the very least they could talk about it all together later and everything was going to be okay. At least that's what she hoped for.

After fiercely hanging up, Eunchae walked towards Byeol again. She was distressed, but tried to smile through it. "Byeol…? I'm gonna go buy us some drinks, let's have a chat afterwards, alright?"

Byeol looked at her with a rueful smile and nodded. He found a seat by the wall and started to reconsider his life choices.

Eunchae held three cold drinks in her arms, she was about to push the rooftop's door open, when suddenly, the faint voice from the other side made her halt.

"Listen, I…"

She stood behind the door, inevitably listening to the conversation.

Hyunsik continued, "I know this might seem weird. I myself didn't think I could have these feelings for another boy… Byeol! What's wrong, why are you crying? I'm sorry, I—"

"No, no, don't… it's not your fault, I don't know what's wrong with me…"

Byeol wiped his tears on his uniform while Hyunsik was at a loss of what to do.

The reason he cried was a mystery to him. But the only possible reason was due to fear. Fear, because when Hyunsik revealed his feelings to him, Byeol thought his friend looked beautiful. And for a split second, he considered saying yes, and that frightened him.

"Am I… gay? No, wait. Hyunsik's gay? He likes me? Since when? What is going on? Why do I feel like hugging him right now??" Byeol pondered between sobs. "I want to stay and ask but… I want to run away…"

Byeol made another impulsive decision, "Hyunsik, I can't… we can't… sorry, I need to go. I'm sorry." He pushed his hands against the wall to help him stand up.

When Byeol pushed the door open, he felt it a little heavier. He waited and opened it again. Eunchae stood there, trying to recompose herself from being pushed along with the door. She didn't say anything, she only looked at him with a hint of shock and sadness inside her eyes.

Byeol realized something.

"...You knew?" his voice quavered.

She couldn't find the right words to answer, and with the nod of her head, Byeol felt slightly irritated.

He walked away, as far as he could from that place, "I'm so dumb… How could I have not noticed… And I called myself their best friend… THEY called themselves my best friends…"