New Beginning

After Cygnus left, Ms Goodstock returned to give me another Calming Draught. She looked at me with a strange expression, like she expected me to go full Black at any moment and start throwing curses, even without a wand.

She left—reluctantly—only after I insisted, practically forcing her out.

I needed time for myself. To think things through. To at least figure out what to do next.

Maybe I was still in shock after everything that had happened, or maybe I was simply lost—because, unexpectedly, I had received what I had desired all my future life the most: freedom.

From the height of my non-living years, it was clear there was no way Cygnus could ever force me to marry anyone. Hell, I had more reason to worry about an unexpected spell to the back or poison in my food than being locked into another marriage that would rob me blind of my newfound free will.

I wouldn't have put it past Cygnus to make me disappear in the near future, and only the Black reputation was stopping him from doing so right now.

Hence, going back to Hogwarts. He needed me to show that, no matter what, Blacks were Blacks, and nothing could break us.

But once the incident vanished from the forefront of gossip, nothing would stop him from making me "go abroad for study" and never be seen again.

If I wished to stay alive—to keep my life in my own hands, as I always wished—I would need to stay at least one step ahead of him.

The bright full moon cast sharp shadows across my hospital room, lighting up the air—and somehow, it felt fitting.

Nobody knew what had truly happened to me. And if I acted smart, no one ever would.

Especially Him.

Oh, it would have been so glorious to deny Him the most important thing He didn't even know He needed.

He had robbed me, chained me, and violated me in so many ways that hiding a possible future—one in which He fell—was the least I could do to repay Him.

I shivered hard at the memory of Him using Legilimency on me. Even though it had never truly happened, I already felt like a naked, dirty whore—used so many times there was nothing left untouched.

Never again.

Like any member of a high-standing family, I had received my share of Occlumency lessons, and I had my own artefacts to protect my mind. And of course, Cygnus had sent them with my belongings by elf yesterday.

I expected to wear them at all times, and I already had them on. But it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. I would need to practise Occlumency every free moment if I wanted to avoid anyone's attention.

I wished that had been the only reason I needed it, but the ever-shifting soup of memories—popping up randomly and driving me mad with the violence I had caused and witnessed—forced me, even now, to focus most of my attention on simply holding my mind still.

And then there was that other "promised" side effect, meant to be a "fair exchange," which I had to avoid thinking about.

Unfortunately, avoidance wasn't a solution. I needed to drop my shields regularly. They weren't meant to be held indefinitely—unless someone wanted to experience the most severe side effects, bordering on mental illness.

And after everything I had remembered… I wasn't. That was just it–if I dropped them now, I wouldn't be leaving the Curses and Malefics ward any time soon.

And so I sat there alone, watching the moonlight play with the dust, and avoiding falling asleep, afraid to lose my grip on the Occlumency shields.

Just a few more hours. And then a bit longer, until I would find a place at Hogwarts—somewhere safe to let go.

Just a few more hours…

༄​

When I walked out of the fireplace in Slughorn's office, I had a firm grip on my shields, and my hand was gently holding my wand—the wand I had never lost, but had been robbed of in the never-to-happen future.

I didn't want to let it go. Not now. Not any time later.

"Ms Black, it's good to see you well—and so eager to return to Hogwarts."

Slughorn gave me his best smile. Maybe he truly was happy to see me alive, but I should never forget—he was a Slytherin. And Slytherins might show honest emotions while plotting against you at the same time.

"Professor." I nodded slightly.

He probably expected more than a single word—judging by his diminishing smile—but he didn't let it affect him more than that.

"Your sister is just outside my office. Go on, Ms Black, see to her—I'm sure she missed you dearly."

"Thank you, Professor."

This time, I nodded more deeply and hurried out of the office.

Maybe he would think I was eager to see my sister ( I was not. I was trying my best to suppress Nymphadora's screams in my mind). But what I needed was to lock myself in the dormitory. To let my shields down—just for a moment.

Or I would start casting Unforgivable's left and right.

"Bella!"

I gently closed the door behind me and finally turned around, dreading the hate I vividly remembered in older Andromeda's eyes—the day I attacked her home.

There was none of that. She looked young. Too young. She was what—thirteen years old now?

"Bella, what is going on?" she whispered, stepping back. I realised I had been standing and staring at her for quite a while.

"Not here," I said in a low tone, and sharply turned in the direction of Slytherin's dormitory.

She caught up with me quickly, matching my almost rushed march down the hall. I counted the seconds, expecting her to start asking questions anyway—she never was one for patience.

"For how long?" she asked in a low voice, giving me worried side glances.

Well, at least she managed not to name exactly what she was asking about—the Occlumency shields.

"Where is Cissy?" I deflected, avoiding even thinking about what was going to happen when I finally dropped them.

"At Black Manor," she replied, furrowing her brows before continuing, "Maybe they'll let her come back, if you're here now."

"Maybe," I replied, not truly sure myself. I wouldn't have been surprised if Cygnus kept her home until next year—just to see if I got 'attacked' again at Hogwarts.

"I got your schedule," said Andy, when we were almost at the dormitory.

"What's the first class today?" I asked, hoping it would be something I could skip. I needed more than just half an hour to deal with my shields—I felt it. I had been holding them for too long.

"Binns," she replied, after pulling out a piece of parchment from her robe pocket.

"Thank Merlin," escaped my lips, and I realised my control was crumbling.

Andy noticed it too, giving me a worried look and chewing on her lower lip before saying,

"Should I tell someone you're skipping it?"

"Please," I breathed out, doing my best to focus on each step. I was almost there.

We passed an almost empty common area on the way to the female side of the dormitory, and Andy used the moment to catch someone from my year to pass a message.

She caught up with me just as I opened the door to my room.

It was the same room I'd left before Yule, and at the same time, I hadn't seen it in what felt like ages—a long-lost memory of the past.

I could only thank Merlin and Morgana—or my younger self—that I had a separate room. Of course, in the beginning, I'd shared it with other girls, but by the end of third year, I had made sure they decided to move somewhere else.

The wide window cast enough morning light to spread green-tinted shadows across the room. Long-forgotten books, permanent notes, and a chaotic mix of other items were scattered across the single desk.

On the left stood the closet, filled with my spare uniform and dresses I used to wear to Hogsmeade—or just because I wanted to.

Barely sparing a few seconds, I marched in, ready to slam the door—but Andy had already stepped inside and quickly closed it behind her, whispering, "I asked Charlota to cover for me."

I just nodded and began casting the strongest locking and privacy spells I knew—enough to make Andy raise her brows in surprise.

Oops. One of them was something I learned later, running with Death Eaters.

Whatever.

Turning around, I waved a wand over myself, casting my clothes off, while walking closer to the bed.

"Here," Andy said, passing me a towel rolled just right to bite down on. Right.

Seeing her cast Protego on herself from the corner of my eye, I simply fell onto the bed, lying on my back and letting the shields down.

I felt the emotional weight immediately fall on me like an avalanche from an angry mountain, almost entirely covering me under all the unprocessed emotions I had been holding for so long.

I saw white, and I saw stars, and my heart tried to split my chest open to run away, and I screamed and cried–screamed and cried–biting down hard on the towel roll…

Letting down Occlumency shields wasn't a simple thing to do.

If you hold them up for too long, you might just go mad when you finally let them down–and I had almost waited too long.

I was frying at the edge of my own mind, forced to focus on the most intense emotions, letting them bleed out just enough to keep my sanity intact.

And then came the price for the sacrifice I had made in the future–my body spasmed violently, releasing not just emotions, but the desire I had locked down tight under the same shields.

It was the second part of the ritual's cost I agreed to pay in the future: a never-ending, cursed desire to mate—forever unsatisfied.

I had given up the ability to bear a child, but to make it "fair," I'd also agreed to crave it. I agreed to want to make a baby until the day I died, while having no means to ever do so.

And so I screamed and moaned, releasing sexual desire I had been hiding since the day I woke up again…

༄​

Compared to the sexual desire I had just experienced, the bottled-up emotions I had accumulated since waking in the hospital were just a mild inconvenience.

Back then, in the future, I had been forced to drink a lust potion by Rodolphus on our wedding night, and even that had nothing on what I had just gone through.

Losing my woman bits had been a blessing in disguise. Because I knew—if I ever had sex that way, under this curse's influence—I wouldn't be able to stop. Ever.

Slowly, I came down from that unnatural lust, pulling my Occlumency shield back into place, though part of me didn't want to. Part of me just wanted to get lost in that pleasure again.

When I finally opened my eyes, I was greeted by a ruined room—and wide-eyed Andy.

"Bella, what is going on?" She asked, seeing me open my eyes and looking at her.

Instead of answering, I looked around.

My bed was torn apart, the canopy and bed hangings gone. Everything in the room had been thrown violently against the walls and badly trashed.

I, myself, was covered in sweat, and the heavy scent of urine was a telltale sign of what had just happened to me.

I reached for my wand, which, somehow, was still beside me on the bed. A small miracle. I doubted I would have been able to find it quickly otherwise.

I cast an air-cleansing charm, then another one to rid my body of sweat, and sat up.

"Bella?" Andy asked again, still standing by the door.

We had all learned enough about curses to be cautious, and she was right to stay back. Honestly, I was surprised she hadn't already tied me to the bed and run for help to the hospital wing by now.

Whatever she had seen, it had to look close enough to possession at best—or a violent curse at worst.

"Dark curse side effects," I replied calmly, then cast Reparo on a chair and ordered, "Sit."

While she walked toward the chair slowly, cautiously, I continued tidying the room, casting Reparo left and right, levitating things back into place.

"How long?" I asked absently. I needed to know.

"An hour, at most," Andy replied, still watching me with wide eyes.

"Good," I nodded happily. I would have enough time to make it to my second class today, but more importantly, I'd have time for a proper shower—something I badly needed. After all, cleansing charms were no substitute for the shower.

"Does—" Andy began, then stopped to swallow a sob before continuing, "Does Cygnus know?"

"He'd kill me if he did," I answered flatly. I wasn't joking. There was no greater disgrace to the Black family than a woman under a slut curse. And right now, that looked exactly like that.

I was distracted from my spellwork by the sound of Andy sobbing, hiding her face in her hands and crying openly now.

In two steps, I was beside her, pulling her into a tight hug, and she clung to me, completely ignoring my still-naked body.

"Everything will be fine. I'll sort it out. Just you see," I whispered into her hair, while gently rubbing her back.

It took her a while to calm down. When she finally stopped sobbing, she leaned back and looked into my eyes, asking, "You promise?"

"Pinky promise," I replied, extending my pinky finger.

༄​