Chapter 7: Riddle War - Part 1

Durri froze.

"Now stand up, all slow-like, so I can get a good look at you! Pull down that hood!"

He obeyed, rising and carefully revealing his face. He could have simply charged out of the garden, but wanted to avoid harming the plants. Even if he snuck back later, it would do little good if all the ingredients were trampled to death.

The cottage's door was thrown wide, and a blue-skinned ogre stood in a pair of overalls nearby. His broad legs were planted in a solid stance, and he was pointing a very thick wand at Durri. Like all ogres, the creature was bald, with tiny horns and a piggish nose.

He leered at Durri, looking him over from head to toe. "Hey Ma!" the ogre yelled.

"Ye, Pa?" came a slightly higher voice from inside.

"Weren't no goat man after all! Was a golem, looks like! He's all made of clay and there's that writing on the forehead."

"Stop joking, Pa! Those fellers went extinct decades ago!"

The ogre licked its lips. "Well, there's one here."

Durri shifted uncomfortably. "Hey, sorry for trespassing, but I just needed some supplies. I assumed you were asleep and didn't want to wake you people up—"

"'You people?'" the ogre growled. "And what's that supposed to mean? Ma, get out here, and bring the big wand!"

In moments, Ma emerged outside. She was a red-skinned ogre, a little shorter than Pa, and wore a daisy-printed dress. The wand she carried in her hands was, in fact, considerably larger than Pa's.

Durri coughed politely. "I have six shillings on me. Would you be willing to give me a mandrake for that? If that's not enough, I'd be more than happy to do some chores to make up the rest of it. You good people seem like you have an interest in alchemy, which happens to be a great skill of mine."

Pa raised his wand skyward and blasted a ray of red lightning into the air, making Durri flinch. "Shut up! You will speak when spoken to, hear me?"

Durri nodded.

"Now, what's your name, and how are you alive?"

That was fairly reasonable.

"I'm Durri Del. I was born a human, but after a run-in with a witch... Well, it's a long story, but I was reincarnated into this body. A wizard was trying to invent a new way to create golems, it seems. I'm pretty sure my coming back had nothing to do with the wizard himself, though. It was just a convenient body for me to—"

Ma let out a whooping laugh. "A traaans-migratorial human golem, huh? Ain't that something." She glanced at Pa. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Pa nodded knowingly and then seemed to wait for her to continue.

She raised an eyebrow.

"No," Pa finally admitted. "What're you thinkin'?"

"Well you remember what we did to those coppers when they tried to raid us on account of our pharma-ceutical garden?"

"Ah yeah!" Pa laughed. "Those poor idjits." He turned to Durri. "You should've seen the looks on their faces when we told 'em, all hog-tied as they were on the kitchen floor, that if they won, we'd let 'em go and even turn ourselves in!"

Durri cocked his head. "If they won? What sort of game are we talking about?"

Ma cackled. "Riddle war! We've got two teams, you on your own and me and Pa on the other. Our teams take turns giving riddles until everybody on one team loses. If you win, you can take anything you want from our little medicinal herb garden."

Durri frowned. "And if I lose?"

Pa twirled his wand between his hands. "Then we'll take you up on that idea of doing all our chores for us! For, let's say... a hundred years. That seem reasonable, Ma?"

She nodded. "Seems like an equitable assessment of utility and risk to me, Pa."

"Well, it doesn't sound fair to me!" said Durri. "Especially since there are two of you and I'm all alone!"

"If it makes you feel any better," said Pa, "havin' more people probably wouldn't mean much. There were five coppers who came to arrest us. They were all one team, and they still lost."

Ma grunted. "We had a bit of a different wager with them. One inspired by what you could call the near-homonym-ity of 'victim' and 'victual.'" She grinned and rubbed her stomach.

"Well," said Durri, "what if I don't 'want' to play this game?"

Both ogres fixed their wands more squarely on his chest.

Durri nodded. "Fair enough."

"And don't be gettin' any funny ideas about escapin' afterward," said Pa. "We got a couple shock collar things the coppers were planning on using for us. We put both of those on you, and we'll be able to blow your big ol' head off if you run off later!"

'Oh dear,' thought Durri. 'That complicates things.'

He knew the shock collars they referred to. They were magical devices which the police in most towns stuck on dangerous criminals. They could be remotely activated simply by the officer speaking a code word unique to each collar. The devices had a reputation for stopping criminals permanently in their tracks.

Durri had no idea if they worked on clay golems, but did not intend to find out.

'I might as well give the game a try,' he thought. 'Worst case, I have to run away as fast as I can and hope their aims are too bad to shoot me in the back.'

Durri considered himself a gentleman, despite his trade as a builder, and prided himself on never cheating at games. However, he was not entering this game of his own free will.

These ogres were simply toying with Durri, and he would do whatever he needed to survive.

Yet, there seemed to be a chance of getting the alchemical ingredients he wanted, so he would play along for the moment.

"All right!" he said. "Let's set some sportsmanlike ground rules, though."

Pa seemed confused. "What in blazes is this boy talkin' about?" he asked.

Ma gave Durri a wink. "He's a smart feller, Pa. Wants to make the game fair and clean. I think we can respect that."

Durri raised a finger. "First, these have to be puzzles! Anyone with common sense should be able to figure them out. No riddles like, 'What's my favorite color?'"

Pa nodded. "All right. Then I've got one. No long and fancy words that make regular people feel stupid." He shot a glare at Ma, who seemed to ignore him.

"I'm e-namored of that rule myself," she said. "My turn! No rhyming. Can't abide prissy rhyming riddles."

Durri nodded. "All right. Common sense riddles with no long words and no rhyming. Next, I'd like us to—"

Pa pointed his wand at the sky and let off another blast of lightning.

"Shut it! Enough rules! Riddle war begins now!"