I don't want to let go

Colin

I left Ash, and I knew what I needed to do.

I had to end things with Lo, but how can I do that when he doesn't want to let me go? This thing started out as something for fun, but the way he is looking at me right now is saying otherwise. I want to cling to him, but Ashina is never going to let me do that.

There was so much determination in her eyes when I saw her today.

I get why--I mean, how do you deny your mate?

I don't want to do that, but I also feel like I want to have a choice.

"I know," he manages, with a look of defeat.

It's your sister.''

He sighs again, letting go of me and running his fingers through his long hair. He has been doing a lot of that tonight. It seems like something he does when he is panicking. Why is he panicking?

"I know."

My eyes widen at his confession, "How?" I exclaim in shock.

"I followed you at dinner. I knew you were going to see her, but I just needed to be sure. I needed it not to be true."

I hear his words, but this is driving me crazy. I don't know what I am doing anymore and I don't know if this is the right thing to do.

"Then you know why we have to stop this.''

He sighs "Yeah, but I don't want to. I don't want you to choose her."

I don't want to choose her either.

"We don't have a choice in these things. You know that.''

He shakes his head and he is grabbing me again. This time, I rest my hand on his chest because I don't want him to let go of me. I want to feel him, smell him, taste him, even if it is one last time and I know that this is wrong, but I want to forget about the truth. I want to forget about Ashina.

"Please choose me." He rests his forehead on mine, and I close my eyes as I take him all in. His scent is strong, and I am sure it is rubbing off on me. I want to become a part of him and I wish things could have been easier.

"You know I can't." My voice is shaking, my hands are trembling as I stand on my toes to get to his lips.

He doesn't push me away. My actions are different from my words. I am supposed to be letting him go, but all I am doing is clinging to him and he can't seem to disagree with me. I've memorized his lips, every inch of his skin, his scent, his voice, his everything... it's all etched into my memory in a permanent place I've never had for anyone else before. I keep telling myself that I am supposed to let him go and now with my lips on his, I'm clinging onto him like a lifeline...I should be pushing him away, but the only thing I want to do is get closer to him. I've never felt this overpowering need to be closer to anyone before... I can feel him in my heart, but I'm supposed to let him go.

This is a decision I have made on my own, and for the first time in my life, I feel disconnected from my wolf.

Lo, and I are in a tight embrace and my lips are fighting for more, even though right now, he is giving me all of him. But the other half of my heart is speaking to me and telling me that I've made a mistake, that I shouldn't be doing this. It doesn't make any sense.

I kiss him because I know that this is going to be the last time and he kisses me because he wants to remind me of what I will be losing.

"We can't do this," I tell him as he pushes me against the wall, fighting for control even though I have given him everything.

My back hits the wall, and he grabs my waist and lifts me up, wrapping my legs around his hips. I am aching for him and he can't feel it "I can't let you go, Col, I won't let you go,'' he pulls away from me and there is a fire in his eyes. So much fire that it scares me. Our lips stay together, and I don't even try to fight him.

One last time.

I just want him one last time.

My hands run down his chest, trying to feel every muscle I could reach. He starts to tug at his shirt and I watch him as he rips it open, leaving his body bare. My eyes travel down his chiselled chest and land on the bulge that's forming in his jeans. I feel as my own bulge starts to grow and I lean forward, wanting to taste him. He lets me in, and before we know what is happening, he has me on his bed on top of him.

We attack each other's mouths. He grabs my ass and lifts me up, wrapping my legs around him. I've never felt like this before. I'm completely lost in the moment, I don't think about Ashina and her tears. I don't think about the fact that I am betraying my wolf right now.

I should feel shame as he enters me. I should feel the guilt of my actions, but I don't. I love this and everything we are doing, and I want to choose him.

I want to choose him and damn all the consequences.

"This is real, me and you, we are real," he breathes out heavily as he pushes me inside, and I believe him.

We are real.

Why am I being punished by having to settle for Ashina when I can have him and all that he is willing to offer me?

"You are mine," he mutters continuously, and I am starting to believe his words.

I am yours.