DRAMA!

Oh fuck the hell yes.

I am capable of a lot of pretty epic shit, but never have I ever experienced a more directly satisfying use of the mystic than when I figured out how Sauron extended the reach of his physical attacks with magic.

A half dozen Men fell before me at least with every single horizontal swing of my glorious curved chopper. I felt each and every impact and the strength of the strike bleeding away with every body sundered by the phantom reach of my sword.

So much of magic is floaty and unsatisfying. It looks real cool, probably gives geeks wood when their favorite sorcerous warlock unleashes a new spell that deletes an army or a city, but none of it is viscerally tactile.

The way Sauron extended the reach of his mace is. And holy fuck is it incredible.

A primal dread filled the host of Men as they witnessed the technique for the first time in thousands of years, but this time they have no great heroes to jump into the fray. Thengel and Ecthelion a Gil Galad and Elendil do not make.

Instead, the forces of Mordor field the great heroes of the Age. Ogbar the Unbreakable and his massive girth in both body and great mace, Eve the First Daughter crushing Men like a smaller faster version of her brother, and Seregon the Blood Hound floating around the battlefield thrusting his spears like a medieval maxim machine gun.

The allied army of the brightest kingdoms of Men routed almost as soon as the battle begun and their forces died in the tens of thousands with barely a whimper, let alone a fight. We captured many fine horses in the days after the battle and recycled a mountain of good steel.

I can't blame them for running, for despite being a fully blooded and veteran horde, the forces of Gondor and Rohan had not felt an ounce of the supernatural dread given off by Sauron and the Nazgul in almost thirty years, likely much longer even as encounters with the Dark Lord and the Ring Wraiths were incredibly rare.

So they never had a chance to gain grit by resisting the magical dread of the Mordor B Team before they faced off against a group that could fully carry out the promise of that existential terror. For in truth, Sauron and the Ring Wraiths really sucked at fighting, with the Dark Lord making up for his lacking skill at arms with magic and the fact that he was a super powerful godling.

So I held no disregard for the armies of Men as they fled the field and in fact felt quite grateful to them as we'd captured Thengel, Theoden, and Ecthelion. Denethor fled, fled for his life rather ably almost as soon as the battle began.

So now I had three full suits of Mithril chain and none of our captures were small men. I'd soon be adding a layer of Mithril filigree to my golden fantasy Aztec themed skulls and roses and sunburst armor. Honestly I needed to ride home swiftly to introduce Eltariel to the stiffy fantasizing about wearing such fine drip gave me.

Honestly, wearing armor so Fuck You Money ostentatious did it for me even more than riding around on a big red dragon, and it was damn hard not to overwhelm the sorceries we employed to prevent further children the first time I rode around on Edom.

So yeah I am a magnificent peacock and I love every minute of running around in big suits of armor that weigh me down and limit my range of motion, and nothing satisfies me more in life than when my blinding bling bling shiny train of a body impacts some fairy fuck swimmers build retard wearing all black soft leather thinking his acrobatics is going to save him despite experience and history always showing that we get rocked by the strikes we can't see coming because the human eyes only provide so much vision and adrenaline narrows that field of focus even more. And fuck all those wimpy little fucks, SWOLE FOREVA!

Ahem.

Needless to say Edom gratefully collapsed when we landed at the Palace and my daughter Dagril whistled many cat calls as I threw her mentor slash mom over my shoulder and spent a week fucking her like a slut I met at a house party rather than the mother of four of my adult children.

Fortunately my children, Ogbur and Eve, stepped up and took over responsibility for ransoming the royals and steward while I mastered the art of keeping Eltariel just on the brink of cumming to death. It was a fine balance of lubrication, skill, ferocity, and a fuckton of healing magic.

If I ever had any doubt that my position as head of state was absolutely unnecessary then the arrival of shipments of livestock, horses, copper, tin, and iron from the Men of the West really drove home just how quickly I outmoded myself.

Turns out things just run better long term when the country isn't being led by a deranged psychopath who hasn't cared about things like consequences for a hundred years, and has over fifteen-hundred years of memories provided by some of the most fucked up fictional villains possible burnt into his mind.

My kids landed me a new treasure trove of strategic resources to further secure the future of my family and country whereas I would have just sent a note with something like, 'Send me da bad bitches!' and called it a day.

Irresponsible, absolutely. But totally in line for a guy who maintains his sanity through copious fornication. Yeah, all those wimps who shout things like 'Don't think with your dick!' don't have memories of a Locust kill team hitting the maternity ward of a hospital on Sera, or Motou Zouken.

Hedonism is the great balm for the soul, as Distraction is the first step to healing.

Unless you are in 40K. Then Hedonism is the path to getting a rimjob from a demon dick girl with a tongue full of organic fish hooks.

Fuck me, actually raising my kids in Arda Regressed me to a time in my existence before I was a giant space lizard man and I have been making Adjustments. Holy fuck, I am only Maturation and Action away from completing a self help journey, and I think admitting that my kids are objectively better world leaders than me is pretty mature.

I have always had plenty of Confidence, Organization, Clarity, and Knowledge so I have never had trouble saying Be Loving and Openhearted With My Emotions. Meaning I have no problem putting all this into Action.

My god.

What have I done?