Become Human

Actually, I'm not too interested in explaining the topic of a novel that I haven't started yet. I just found out the idea, the plot and characters have not yet been determined. Should I discuss all that with them?

I drank lemon tea first, so I could take some time to think. When lemon tea flowed down my throat, I understood that there was nothing wrong with telling this idea. Who knows, they will give me their views and it will be additional information for me.

"My mission here is to bring awareness to being human first before we become anything," I politely began my explanation.

I cautiously continued, "The main topic is LGBTQ."

I stopped and saw their reaction. There was something I could have guessed from Rima's reaction. She is a Muslim and wears a hijab. I thought she would express her dislike if I discussed this, because I indirectly made the community even more famous.

"Why are you interested in that topic?"

Hearing Rima's question, I smiled to myself, silently congratulating myself because I had guessed correctly Rima's anti-reaction to these people. So, I think I should be more careful about explaining.

"As I said earlier, my mission is to bring awareness to being human first before becoming anything. You know, discrimination, racial and other things that surround that race. Not only them, but also others, discrimination should not happen in this world. Why should there be such things? To talk about it, I chose one very clear topic first. Maybe for the next work, when this is done, I can choose something else."

Rizal has yet to give his reaction. Maybe he was considering my choice in his heart.

"So, are you interested in discussing it? That's a controversial topic," Rizal said.

"I know," I said. Then after a little reflection, I added, "I want to try to understand them. Starting from curiosity why in Thailand, its citizens demand equality for LGBT. You must know, in Thailand there is a movement to celebrate Pride Month every year in June. Not only ordinary people do it. The movement went viral because many artists also joined in it."

Rima looked at me with a judgmental look. I don't know what's on her mind actually. I was suddenly worried that I guessed right. It turned out that I wasn't prepared for her reaction.

"Do you indirectly want to say that you are part of them?"

I'll never forget that look.

That look had made me instantly think that Rima was no longer my friend. Now I don't know who she is to me anymore, is it just a friend to discuss?

"Does supporting equality mean I'm part of them? In that case, then yes."

"I mean, are you lesbi?"

I was surprised Rima summed up so quickly like that. I glanced at Rizal, and he also looked surprised. There seemed to be a debate in his mind. It seemed that Rizal wanted to say something, but he couldn't say it.

"No. I'm not a lesbi. I have a boyfriend now. Victor, I've told you about him, haven't I?" I said in a rising tone and stared at Rima fiercely. I felt that my eyes were already bulging and widening.

I couldn't believe my thinking about Rima had been wrong. I think she's someone who can cool-head study this topic first and then make a conclusion. It turned out not to be like that. My guess is that she held onto the belief that these people should be shunned.

With suppressed emotions I continued, "Although I support equality, it doesn't mean that I'm lesbi. Even though I've not been dating all this time and seem uninterested in sex, it doesn't show that I'm lesbi."

I controlled myself, and was obviously disappointed and frustrated very hard. I didn't expect my friend to be like this. All this time I saw Rima as an educated and highly intelligent figure.

I think by that standard, she's someone who is open-minded and willing to think about this from different points of view first. Moreover, her conclusion that linking my support to the race meant the same as me homo was not at all the result of the thoughts of someone who was an adult. How can it be a proof? This thought is terrible.

I looked at Rima who avoided my gaze. Suddenly, I saw her shocked face. Could it be that she was surprised by her own conclusion?

"I'm sorry," she said. "I think... Generally people who support gender equality are.... one of them," Rima stammered to arrange a defense for herself. Her voice trembled and she also tried to be funny after saying that.

However, I couldn't laugh anymore. To me, she had made a fatal mistake, or was it I who fell into the pit of disappointment?

I expected her to understand my mission, but it turned out that my guess had been wrong, so I was disappointed in her. I have to calm my mind so I don't hate her. So, I decided to go home first without finishing my drink.

When I arrived at the Kos (room for rent) I called Victor. He picked up my phone.

"What's the matter? Am I bothering?"

"No," Victor said. "I just finished the monthly report that was delayed just now. Would you like to stop by my place? You said just now to go out to see your friends."

Earlier I messaged Victor that I wanted to meet Rima and Rizal. I also ask him to hangout with me, who knows if he wants to meet them. However, he said he still had work, so he couldn't come tonight. Finally, I went by myself.

"Oh, no. I've gone home. I called to tell you that I was at home. You said I have to let you know when I'm back," I said.

This is the first time I have done something like this, reporting my daily activities to my boyfriend, and It's embarrassing me. Even so, my heart became warm.

"Then what are you going to do at home?" asked Victor.

"Nothing. Watch IQIYI and then just sleep," I replied.

"Okay, happy watching then."

"Huh? like that? I think we could have talked longer," I tried to tease him.

I heard Victor laugh. "It's already night, you'd better hurry up and rest. I still have something to do," he said.

Why does he have so much work? I asked myself.

"Well. See you tomorrow. I'll stop by the café," I said.

Victor agreed. He even said I had to come before the café opened. I thought it wasn't a bad idea, so I agreed to come.

After hanging up the phone, I opened the IQIYI app to watch the drama I hadn't finished watching. There are still a few episodes of dramas about fox demons falling in love with humans. However, after a few minutes passed, I felt like I couldn't enjoy the drama.

I sat at my writing desk. I looked at my notes just now. Rima's words have indeed disappointed me. Maybe, I was probably disappointed because of my own expectations, so I tried not to hate her conclusion. Others might also be able to think that way.

I sighed, hoping that with it all the negative impact I felt came out of my body. But it doesn't feel that easy. Isn't it easy to feel disappointed and why is it so hard to heal from this feeling?

What should I do?

I thought of one of the chapters in a novel by Patricia Cornwell. She tells the story of a woman who works as a pathologist and a reliable lawyer, Dr. Scarpetta by name. Because she was more focused on her passion and tomboyish demeanor, everyone thought she was lesbi. Isn't that a sloppy conclusion?

Dr. Scarpetta ignored all rumors and focused on her passion. When faced with a criminal case involving her nephew, allegations that she was lesbi again rang in her ears.

After thinking about those two things, between Rima and Dr. Scarpetta's, I became calmer. I don't think I can force people not to think that people like us are homo.

"That's right. Why be angry or disappointed? I can't control people's opinions of me. They are free to think. I'm stupid myself for reacting like this," I told myself. Laughing at myself in this situation really makes me better.

"They are free to like and dislike. Explaining it won't do any good."

This is another reason why I wanted to bring this topic to life into a novel, into a universe.