Confession

"You said you want to discuss something with me. What is it? I've been curious since earlier," I said jokingly so Victor wouldn't be depressed.

"I have something to confess to you."

The beginning of his words made my whole body hot and cold.

"Because we are related. I think I don't want to keep this a secret from you. Because the longer I grudge, I guess it will be bad. I don't want you to hear this from others."

My heart beat wildly. Why am I the one pounding? This is not a proposal. Definitely not. He started with a heavy sentence, as if he was pushing a stone.

"Okay. Just say it. Just slow down," I said.

Victor nodded. "I want an honest reaction from you."

Victor then stayed silent for a long time. I nodded. Although I don't know what he wants to admit yet, no matter what it is, it's best to still be honest.

Victor smiled coldly.

"When you're writing an LGBTQ+ novel, I feel confident that I can talk to you."

It wasn't an easy start for me to understand.

"You've seen Mario. Twice, isn't it?"

I nodded. Am I prepared enough to hear the rest of the story?

Victor took a deep look at me.

"Go ahead," I pleaded. It's better for him not to delay. If he delays, I will explode.

"I and him, once we had a relationship."

Fireworks flew and broke inside my brain. I tried to find the exact meaning of his words.

"You mean related to that... a relationship like ours?"

My heart beats faster. I have never heard a confession like this in person before.

"Any love?" And my inner self continued to speak, "So, he's BI? Let's make sure that's later," I told myself.

I waited for Victor to answer. We were staring at each other intensely, now he looked down. I noticed it. For quite a long time he was in a position to lower his head with both hands pressed against his neck. He hid his face from me. Before long, I heard him sobbing.

I don't know what's going on. Could it be that something hard happened between him and Mario?

I approached him, patted his back slowly and also hugged him. Without saying anything, I waited for him to be ready to continue his story.

After a while, Victor looked determined. After wiping away his tears in the bathroom, he recounted.

It's going to be a long night.

"Mario used to be my boyfriend. I'm telling you this so that you can quickly decide whether we should continue this relationship or not. I don't want one day you to feel like I'm lying. If you are disappointed in me, I want to see it from now on. That way we won't hurt each other later."

I looked at him deeply and told him, "I want to hear the whole story. Why can you love him? Because all I know is that your ex used to be a girl. So I never thought that you could also have feelings for men."

Silence.

"Excuse me, did I speak too harshly?"

Victor shook his head. I'm relieved.

"At first I also didn't know that I could have feelings for men. Until now I still think that it's all just madness. I want to erase that past of mine. If only it could," Victor's voice choked.

"Why? Is it so bad?"

How to make it comfortable to tell stories freely? How do I tell him that I'm going to listen as a friend?

"What's going on? I see that your relationship is not good with him," I said softly.

Victor took a slow breath, "We separated because he had an affair. To me he is the only man, but it seems that I am only one among the men he is dating," he said. He seemed to be trembling.

"I hate myself being inexplicably entangled with him. I shouldn't have a relationship with him. So, I'm so sorry that I made myself ever in his arms."

Victor then looked at me with teary eyes. "Are you disgusted with me now?"

I didn't react. Imagining a relationship between men is easy, but when it's in front of you, experienced by a friend and now a boyfriend, it's a different story.

"I don't know," I said.

Victor smiled, then snorted. "Tell me, if you don't want to know me anymore. And forgive me for suddenly asking you out. I feel guilty for it like I'm trying to make you a tool so I can forget my past."

I sat back in the chair with an empty feeling. I don't hate it. Why should I hate it?

"It feels like the relationship you have with Mario is just like a relationship in general. I could have been cheated on and when I saw you, I made you an escape," I said bitterly. Am I accidentally insinuating to him?

"I don't mean to be sarcastic. I just want you to know that I have a way to understand your situation. You understand, if I understand it can happen to anyone."

"Are you sure? You are not disgusted with me?" Victor's face looked more radiant than before. Either he was happy that I accepted the fact like normal news, or because he felt that he had chosen the right place to tell the story.

I just wish I had treated him exactly, didn't judge him and didn't think of him as a monster like others once did. I've heard, people who have different sexual orientations are called weird and some are even called monsters. Even if they are wrong, I don't think fellow humans should commit violence, including verbal abuse.

I shook my head and touched his hand.

"Even if you don't ask me out, I still think of you as a friend. Then, when you tell me about this matter, I will still listen. I am on the side of humanity. Uh, how to explain it. Anyway, for me, whoever you are, whatever your sexual orientation, for me the most important thing is that you and I are human beings. We both want to be treated humanely."

"You must have read a lot of stories about LGBTQ people being discriminated against in this world, huh?"

I nodded shyly.

There was an article I recently read. The data I remember from the journalistic report says the results of a new Stonewall study highlighting hate crime and discrimination rates are getting staggering results. They used the trial method of getting on more than 5000 LGBT people.

The research revealed anti-LGBT abuse, their actions go beyond acts of hate and violence on the streets. Many LGBT people still experience mistreatment while using public services and living their lives, whether in local stores, gyms, schools or places of worship.

"I think that's also a crime, huh? Because I'm interested in those people as research objects," I joked.

"Have you ever used them for personal gain?"

I shook my head.

"That means you didn't commit a crime. You are interested and pay attention to them because purely you want to see them as human beings. Isn't it?"

"I dare not guarantee that I am like that. Because after all, if my novel explodes later, I still benefit from it, right?"

Victor laughed. Finally, I could see the sad face disappear. Then, he suddenly fell silent.

"Thanks," he said suddenly.

"Huh? Why?"

"Because you are being casual. I thought that you would be shocked and curse me as a sinner," his voice trembled again.

"How can I think of you as a sinner, when I don't know how many sins I have!?"

I felt that there was a butterfly flying inside my chest. I'm relieved I didn't hurt him.

"And what about our relationship?"

"What do you mean?"

"Can I still be your boyfriend?"

I thought about it. I also want to ask him if he wants to have a normal life and relationship?

"What's in your mind now wondering if I want to have a normal life and relationship?"

I felt ashamed to be caught off guard. I didn't ask it directly because I felt it was rude. Wouldn't time be able to give an answer?

Victor answered his own question, "That's right. I want a normal life and relationship. I don't want to disappoint my mother. When I got home, she asked where her future daughter-in-law was."

Victor laughed bitterly enough that I felt sorry for him.

"When I saw you that day, I remembered my high school days. I think you are a very suitable friend for me to talk to. At first, I just wanted to go back to the high school days, to be friends. But, I changed the plan."

"Why?"

Victor played the glass.

In that silence, Victor seemed to say because I wanted to forget my past so I asked you to have a relationship.

I bit my lower lip. Again, I don't want him to say anything hurtful.

"I'm sorry. Without thinking about what is good and bad, I made our relationship go like this. Do you want us to be friends again? Maybe it's the best for us."

"And for some reason I don't want that to happen," I replied spontaneously.

Victor's eyes opened wide.

"You did it because you needed me. I haven't fully understood what happened between you and Mario. You haven't told me the details yet. The reason why you moved from Jakarta to Jogja,"

"The reason why your attitude is so tough when you see Mario. Right now I just think that you really fell in love with him, then realized that your decision was wrong to choose him as a lover. I think you're trying to find an answer, right?"

"Whether you can have a normal life like most people, whether you can accept your own past, that's what you want to find and when you see me, you might think you can use me to find answers! So, take advantage of me until you find your answer! I'll help."

"It doesn't matter to me if we end up having to separate, but I don't want you to go through that process with strangers!"

Tears melted down both of Victor's cheeks.

"Are my words hurting you?"

Victor wiped away his own tears with the back of his hand, shaking his head. I've never seen him so fragile like this before. Now, I feel like I have to take responsibility for his life.