Chapter 3

41: Learn the differences between the Eldar: Eldar are complete and utter stuck up pricks…the Craftworld Eldar that is. The independent Corsairs are…well they're pricks too and the Dark Eldar…well they're also pricks-ok the end point is you can actually trust the Harlequins. These xenos dedicate their entire life to destroying Chaos, none of this "divert a WAAAAGH! into Human territory to save twelve Eldar" bullshit, so you can usually rely on them to keep their world if it'll result in dead cultists. So hey, fun times all around. We want dead cultists, they want dead cultists, good times. The thing is, a lot of people are (justifiably) paranoid about the Eldar in general and a few guardsmen who were with me tried to shoot at our temporary ally who wasn't going to betray us (For once). Let's just say he did some psyker crap so their shots kept missing him before he gutted them all on the spot. Then he said something about rising action. These guys will work with us but dear Emperor they're PRETENTIOUS!

42: Do not attempt to seduce an Ork. NO! JUST NO! Honestly, everything else I mentioned on this list involved sex takes second priority to an Ork (Minus the bit with the sex slave). Have you ever seen an Ork try to fist someone? I HAVE! HE USED A FRAKING POWER KLAW! AND THAT WAS JUST FOREPLAY!

43: Do not Underestimate minor Xenos: The big xenos power players in the Milky Way are Orks, Eldar of all kinds, Necrons, Tau and Tyranids. Despite this, there are easily thousands of smaller races throughout the galaxy, and when you're not fighting the usual suspects, you'll probably be sent off to exterminate one. And when its species is put at risk, the natives will fight tooth nail and tentacle to survive. So it doesn't matter if it's cute and adorable and fits in the palm of your hand, there's a good chance it'll try and rip your face off. Usually with their teeth. And it is not a pretty sight. So just kill it before the Tau can annex it.

44: Don't play "Hold er steady": Hold er steady is a new drinking game that involves people downing a beer, putting the bottle on their head and having a friend shoot it off with a stubber and then switching. Yes, this is a disaster waiting to happen. Thankfully the guardsman in this particular incident only lost a bit of his frontal lobe (I think) before I put a stop to it. Sure now he makes Ogyrn look like arechotech experts now, but it could've been a hell of a lot worse. The Administratum could give him a bionic replacement, but they said it wasn't worth the resources. I honestly found it hard to argue with them.

45: Avoid Love Triangles: I'd tell people to avoid this anyway, if only because love triangles are simply insufferable, but they can get people killed. There's always the members of the triangle trying to murder each other, but on the other hand there are lovesick idiots just have to drag others down with them. Like that time in the trenches where two guys and a girl were going at it while I was five feet away from them. I had a giant barbed spike sticking out of me and I was desperately trying to remember if the small and large intestines were named for length or diameter while they were bitching about whose dicks had been where.

46: Stop saying Feth: Feth is a spirit unique to Tanith. You know, planet fraked up by Chaos #9315? The survivors from that planet are few and far, so don't pretend you know what Feth means. And they are damn sensitive about their planet being destroyed and they WILL challenge you to a knife fight to the death if you don't pay it the respect it deserves. And I will do nothing when they slip around you and open your throat.

47: Beware Valhallan showers: I thought it was agreed that hypothermia was bad for you. Well, the Valhallans didn't get the memo. Astropath probably bollocked it up. Most people will run screaming from these showers because they feel like you just took a dip in arctic water. But some numb nuts will try and prove how tough they are by trying to stay underneath longer. I learned two things that day. Valhallan showers are co-ed, and that these showers can actually kill you. Somehow it doesn't kill the Valhallans, but those nuts actually find it pleasant.

48: Be careful when laying with fellow guardsmen: Look, I'm married. I understand the urge to seek comfort in the arms of another. But here's the thing. Commissars…REALLY don't like playing babysitter. They don't want anyone in the regiment unless they can hold a rifle and we haven't quite figured out how to weaponize babies in a way that wouldn't turn us into the Orks. Commissars already have too much stuff to stamp out, don't have them cracking down on sex too. Because they do it with those Emperor forsaken bolt pistols of theirs. The moral is, do it in the ass.

49: Autoguns were replaced by lasguns for a reason: I know there are still plenty solid projectile weapons circulating through the Imperium, especially on poorer planets, but we replace them with the trusty lasgun when we can for a reason. Twice as much ammo capacity, easier to maintain, power packs can be recharged at any Chimera and even on a fire (Highly dangerous though, last resort only) and they can be overcharged in a pinch. So while you should most certainly use an autogun if there aren't any lasguns in the area and you desperately need a weapon, we've been trained in the use of lasguns and most of us don't know how to use and maintain them properly. This is what caused my jaw to drop when one dumbass from another platoon got a stovepipe jam, one of the most basic jams to clear, and he honestly thought the gun was broken and started using it as a club. It says a lot when the Ork that killed him managed to figure out how to clear it in only half a minute.

50: Do not drive vehicles unless you are trained: Tech Priests weird me out (And I'm hardly alone on this) but there's no getting around the fact that they know their crap when it comes to designing vehicles and discovering failings. Despite this, a team of three was utterly flabbergasted when an idiot took a Leman Russ for a joy ride on a dare. He was inside, so I don't know how many times the thing had to flip in order to get him out and stuck in the treads long enough to grind him to a paste like that, and neither did the tech priests.

51: Don't drink on the job: I know alcohol is good for making you forget how much life sucks, and in the trenches that's where you need it the most, but the next think you know your foot is in my lap and you can't quite remember how it got there. And let me tell you, this one happens a lot! There was an arm, and eye, a foot, a body part that caused my wife to make an extremely dark joke, and even a spine. Hell, a few more times and I can assemble an entire human body from the parts I've gotten.

52: Always be alert if the planet you're on contains an enemy force: You know the old phrase "Out of sight, out of mind?" I wonder how many lives that mentality has claimed, because it sure as hell isn't a low number. I learned first hand that if an enemy army is still on a planet, you don't spend your time there partying, no mater how far away you are from the front, because we live in an era were advances can be very fast and very brutal. As my current base filled with partying soldiers found out in a horrific and brutal way. I don't know what was more traumatizing. Hiding at the bottom of a pile of corpses, clutching my wife's hand and hoping we would both get out of this alive, or watching Orks try to figure out the inner workings of a toga party.

53: Don't be too proud to accept help from the Ultramarines: I know. I KNOW! They're utterly infuriating stuck up pricks. Is is bullshit that they're responsible for the most damage done to two of the three hive fleets, that they have the most successor chapters, and that their Chapter Master killed a fragment of a god with his bare hands? Yes it is, it's the most infuriating band of twats I've ever heard of, but we should still use this to our advantage. In a galaxy where everything wants to fuck us, sometimes literally, we need every asset we can get. So I want Marneus Calgar at my side. I'm still going to talk shit about him the second he's out of earshot, but I'm smart enough to know I'm more likely to survive hiding behind him when a Daemon is trying to eat me.

54: Disregard 53 if the Ultramarine in question is Cato Sicarius: Forget everything I said if Cato Sicarius is involved. You think the standard Ultramarine has an ego the size of a small moon? Well they do, but Cato Sicarius has an even bigger one, and it tends to manifests in ways that are a lot more destructive (Not to him, but to the poor sons of bitches around him. Namely us). I was on the other end the system where this happened, but when we were clearing out a Chaos infestation, Sicarius got hundreds of thousands of men killed. The Ultramarine 2nd company was supposed to secure the flank of the main army, but he led them running off to go fight some warlord. Because he insulted his honor or something (Probably just insulted that stupid ass thing he calls a helmet) and so he had to go prove his worth while the plebeians all died. So yeah. If he's around, don't count on him for help.

55: Don't pick a fight with the Administranum. You will lose: The Administranum is like a train wreck that just keeps going, everyone knows this. We've all been waiting to get a delivery of munitions and food and get something we didn't need/want. The weirdest thing I ever got was a bag of used diapers, my wife a couple of Tau bladders and some kid who transferred into our unit actually got delivered the preserved corpse of a saint. Wonder how many people got fired (Out of an airlock) for that one. Despite this, fighting with them to get what you want is an exercise in futility. People have actually died from starvation and thirst in the waiting line to make an appointment, it's so long and they're so incompetent it takes forever for them to process someone. Still, it wasn't all bad. I got to go next after that.

56: Try to not antagonize the other people in your unit: We're kinda tiny and scrawny compared to everything else out there, that's why there are trillions of us fighting the good fight all over the Imperium, to even things out with raw numbers. The problem is that this advantage doesn't really work if you burn bridges and alienate the people you're supposed to rely on. For example, if you lose a game of poker, don't throw a tantrum and pull a gun on her, she might snap your wrist. And when you have a broken hand and you're end out to fight anyway, the husband of the woman you threatened might not feel like helping you and might instead just use the time to write his book while a Hormagaunt turns you into its new chew toy. Thanks for the entry by the way. Fucker.

57: Store your weapon properly: Keeping number 52 in mind, I appreciate that some people want to keep their weapons close by in case of an enemy attack, but there's smart ways to do it. Don't just put them somewhere where they can go off and kill you. The old under the pillow thing is great way to accident;y set it off. Let me tell you, years before I was married, a good looking corporal coaxed me into her bed. She was buck naked, was looking down at where I was laying leapt onto the bed…and set off the laspistol under her pillow, blowing her brains out. I was sexually withdrawn for YEARS after that!

58: Remember where you buried the mines: Ok seriously people? This is extremely basic. Mine go boom. Boom hurt. We not want hurt. Therefore, we no step on mine. Bad people go boom. Not us. So when someone puts the sign about the minefield up and it's FACING THE WRONG WAY people tend to get a little confused about where Steve went and why it suddenly started raining blood and bits of organ and the shavings created by my teeth grinding together.

59: Practice trigger discipline: You know those trigger things we have on our guns? We pull them when we're pointing them at people we don't like and that's all. Our fingers stay away from those triggers unless we're doing that or are about to do that. It's annoying enough when people can't just keep their fingers where they belong and blow a couple of holes in the roof, but when I'm just trying to eat, I'd prefer if I didn't have to deal with the guy next to me leaning over to the side and smashing into my plate because it turns out he has a hole in his head.

60: Don't get caught with this book: This is a recent affair, but with the Imperium's zero tolerance policy against common sense, people who possess this book are ordered to be executed. Don't worry, there's an easy way around it. Before you burn your copy of the primer uplifter, take the cover out and put it on this book. In fact there's a fun game you can play with this. Give this book like this to an officer who's an ass hat before shouting "Heretic!" and running away. Karma coming full circle.