Chapter 6

101: Getting rare and valuable guns isn't worth it: Plasma guns and other rare and valuable weapons are for the rich and the elite. Sometimes you get lucky and one falls in your lap (I finally got all the rubies off that power sword) but otherwise you're just not going to get one. A ripper pistol is a good example, a solid projectile weapon with so much poison it can bring down an Ork. If you want to get one and you're not a Rogue Trader or an Inquisitior, you're going to have to storm a pirate base for directions to a hidden cache guarded by local warlords for a key to an underground vault taken over by Tau sympathizers where the fucking thing is. But I had to go through it because my daughter wanted to give it to her sweetheart as a birthday present and I wasn't letting her go alone, and I'm so stupid I kinda think it was all worth it, so I'm not taking my own advice! I'm going soft in my old age. (She's damn good with that pistol though)

102: Used customized ammo only if you know what you're doing: Dum-dum rounds, inferno shells, manstopper bullets, bleeder rounds, amputator rounds and the absolutely vicious organ grinder rounds. These are all unique types of ammo that can be used with solid projectile weapons. My daughter in law is a gunslinger from Gunmetal City and she's got a collection of all of them. Half of them are incredibly situational, and can save your life if used right and get you killed if you use them wrong. Bleeder rounds are amazing against cultists, but against Necrons they're worthless. Because Necrons don't fucking bleed. Yeah, when I met my daughter in law for the first time, she learned that some members of her gang weren't as good with their weapons as she was.

103: Don't get cute with fire: Oh my sister goes off on a rant every time something like this happens. Yeah, you might feel like a badass when you douse someone you hate with flammable liquid, leave a trail with it and ignite the trail. Sure you could've just blasted him with a flamer, but what could go wrong? Oh right, a SLIGHT BREEZE could break the trail and he could escape and stab you with that shiv he was hiding. Or both. Oops.

104: Don't mess with Leviathan command centers: Look, with the galaxy the way it is, we need as many big guns as we can get. A Leviathan isn't exactly a Titan, but it's still got a big damn cannon and I'd like to see it firing at the enemy as much as possible. As such, dicking around with its internal mechanics because of a bet isn't recommended. I'll be standing by and taking pictures when the general catches you. Last time this happened he ordered the two who did it strapped to one of the shells. Damn did they get some mileage.

105: Don't mess with Titans: Basically everything that I said above along with how viciously protective the Tech Priests are of their toys. Seriously, do you have any idea how hard it is to make Titans nowadays? They do, and they're very protective of the ones that they have. So you try and put random shit in the gears and I won't be surprised when they kick you off over the edge. Had a fun time with my sister then, because that Titan was in the middle of climbing a mountain. We learned how far you need to fall to hit terminal velocity.

106: Don't underestimate the Exodite Eldar: Now I know what you're thinking. Eldar who have forsaken technology and live away from the Craftworlds? Oh man, the is the perfect chance for payback! This is what one woman I was stuck with on a scouting mission kept saying. I kept trying to point out that they weren't stupid and still used military technology, but she didn't want to hear it, she just wanted to kill some primitive xeno scum. Yeah, five seconds later she was up to her waist in the mouth of a Megadon. Another five seconds she was all over the place. I just kinda gave up and walked off while it was feeding. Maybe the Eldar are onto something about us all being primitive and stupid…well they would be if they weren't as primitive and stupid as the rest of us, just better at hiding it.

107: Non-human mercenaries can rarely be trusted: To be fair, human mercenaries aren't the most trustworthy either, but at least they stab you in the back because someone else offered them a better deal, not because they want your species dead. Kroot, Eldar and even frakking Orks can be hired if you're desperate and far away enough from Imperial territory. Ironically the Orks are the easiest to hire, just give them a load of scrap metal. Not so ironically they have a tendency to kill their employers when they got bored. The Kroot do it when they're hungry and the Eldar do it because they're loyal to their own people above all else. We should follow their example. Then kill them. That's what I did when one of them tried to run be through with his power sword. I tried to tell the Captain it was a bad idea, but he didn't want to hear it. And he was on the receiving end of a shuriken catapult. I didn't know bits of human could get that small.

108: Opt out of a battle if you feel too much pain to properly fight: Ok, my wife can turn off her pain receptors, but she's an exception to the rule. If you're completely overwhelmed by pain, just shut up and keep your head down. Fire your rifle from a prone position if you can, but stay put unless you need to retreat. You won't do anyone any good if you can't walk so much as five feet. So for fuck's sake, don't abandon the trenches try and charge a Mad Dok. When you collapse right in front of him, he'll think that you're offering to let him "Fix ya". Even Orks think Mad Doks are psychos, and that poor bastard figured that out the hard way.

109: Remember that our armor kinda sucks: Seriously. It's good for stopping stubbers, autoguns and lasguns, and not much else. And only humans use those weapons. Carapace armor can block a bit more, but even it can't do much (Speaking from experience here). Avoid getting hit in the first place, hug cover, get out of enemy lines of fire, and be good at parrying and dodging. Don't scream "THE EMPEROR WILL PROTECT ME!" while trying to blast down a row of Orks out in the open with an auto lasgun. You got one and a half before they ripped you apart buddy. I think the Emperor has bigger fish to fry.

110: Never use Chaos weapons: You'd think that I wouldn't have to tell people to stay away from a bolter that has sprouted eyeballs, but then again I'm on number 110 for a reason. So yes, just don't. They've been tainted by the Ruinous Powers and it'll go just as well as it sounds. If it won't corrupt you into being a servant of the Chaos Gods, it'll just grow a tentacle and rip you a new asshole. I'm not being cute, Slannesh will actually give you a new asshole. Along with a bunch of other painful changes I don't want to think about.

111: Eldar weapons are good, but nearly impossible to get fresh ammo for: Remember number 100? Yeah I hung onto that pistol for a bit. It was damn effective, but the only ammo that I had for it was what was in it. I ran out pretty quick. I kept it hidden in my barracks on the off chance I fought Eldar again and got to loot their bodies, but some dip shit stole it and tried to kill a Chaos Space Marine with it. There was an awkward moment before the Marine grabbed his head and crushed his skull with one good squeeze. Oh, remember number 80 and keep it out of sight too. It's possible to pull this off with pistols but not with bigger weapons, the commander started ranting about how heretical it was when he found the body. Or maybe that was about how the Marine was defecating on the corpse. I didn't feel up to asking. Was more wondering if Marines can normally do that or if this was some Slannesh deal. His armor was kind of looked like it was part of his…you know what never mind.

112: Fancy sword moves will get you killed: A sword is not a performer's baton to be spun around and tossed into the air. It's a hunk of metal that should be stabbing the enemy in the chest, face and everywhere else. Do not try to be flashy with long wind ups, flips or spins, just lop the asshole's head off and call it a day. Because he will if you don't. I tried to tell this to some stuck up "sword dancer" git, but he just laughed and said that a plebeian like me would never understand. At the end of the day, an Ork was using his skull as a handle for his gear shift and his sword as a car jack.

113: Nobles, the battlefield isn't court and you're made of flesh and bone just like us: I've had more than a few goes at nobles and I'm going to have a few more. Stuck up prats, most of them anyway. Always think they're better than use because of "superior breeding" which usually means that they look better or inherited money and they kill anyone who disagrees with them. The problem is that they're stuck in their delusional fantasies so much that they honestly buy their bullshit about being superior. So when Lord whatshisface of who cares spots an ordinary Khorne cultist with a pair of axes, he thinks he can take her. The thing is, while just a regular human that cultist had probably seen fifty more battles than him (As fifty is fifty more than zero). Stupid boy thought it would be a duel. She hacked him to pieces, every swing of her arms taking another part of his body off. His dress uniform and asinine looking gold cape weren't so pretty when they were drenched in his own blood while he was screaming for his life.

114: Don't be an ungrateful prick: When someone intervenes and stops a cultist from slaughtering you, almost losing his good eye and getting more than a few broken ribs in the process, say thank you. Don't say, "Don't touch me you filthy commoner," and "I'll have you killed for interfering in my duel," while lying in a pool of your own blood. If you do, I'll just let you lie there and bleed you out. Hey, I know you want me to go get that medical pack over there, but you told me to not touch you. Hands tied. I would've saved him anyway if he had just been a bastard. But then he had to threaten my life. Sorry champ. I've got this thing called life preservation.

115: Paranoia doesn't help: A healthy layer of skepticism might be able to get you from one day to the next, but there's a line between that and paranoia. We had spent six months fighting for control of a Hive city that Chaos had taken over, helping the still local loyalists. One lady was losing her mind from all of the hit and run attacks in the areas that we had managed to take back. Some cultists were hiding among the populace. She spent most of her time raving and ranting until eventually she shot some sixteen year old kid who had been fighting the cultists with his dad's old hunting rifle. Needless to say, the locals didn't take kindly to that, even though the kid lived. They got angry and asked how they knew if she wasn't really a cultist. I think that was the final straw that snapped her fragile mental state. She screamed that her mind would stay pure and blew her own brains out. Did I mention that the cultists were routed and victory was declared the next day?

116: Friendly Fire is a thing: I understand that when the enemy is charging you, you want to get as many shots off as possible before they reach you. That being said, could you please double check to make sure the people you're firing at are actually the enemy!? I have enough stress issues as it is, I don't need a las bolt taking off my helmet and singing my scalp as well! The asshole was smart enough to hide when I turned around, but he wasn't so lucky when he did it the second time. The Commissar had him executed, and for once it was called for. YOU DON'T FUCKING SHOOT AT THE BLOOD ANGELS!

117: You can get killed off duty: Contrary to popular belief, surviving a round with the Necrons does not make you invincible. I get that after you want to brag after you don't get vaporized by them, personally I'd rather just crawl into bed and forget about it. Just remember that you only survived because of tactics and a bit of luck, not because you're the Emperor's chosen. You're still vulnerable to being stabbed in the throat with a broken bottle. So if you're going to pick a fight with a big burly motherfucker after your great victory, try and die silently when I'm sleeping upstairs. My wife and I barely ever get any anyone time, and we just want to silently rest in the same bed.

118: Most technology doesn't age well when left in a cave for 10,000 years: People love to talk about the powers of ancient technology, how it was too great for us to handle, and how we can find wondrous artifacts on the edges of space. Here's the thing. Sometimes they've broken down. Oh sure, sometimes we find an ancient STC that makes the Mechanicus spew oil everywhere but we're just as likely to find something sputtering sparks and Emperor knows what else. So maybe give it a few safety tests before grabbing it. I don't care how vivid your Rogue Trader fantasies are, it won't stop your new plasma pistol from blowing your entire arm off.

119: Don't ever interfere with the Inquistion's work: If I need to go any further on this, then you deserve to experience all Nine Actions first hand. All I know is this. When an Inquisitor asks you for Necron technology, you don't tell her why it's a bad idea. You shut up and give it to her. I don't know if she's still alive, and I don't care. You. Do not. Fuck. With the Inquisition.

120: Don't be an asshole to the nobles that actually pull their weight: Emperor be damned, there's some nobles who actually do something. This one had actually taken my advice, ripping off all of the impractical and gaudy parts of her uniform off. She was the medic for her regiment and was operating on a wounded soldier when I found her, one who was crying for his mother. Poor sap had taken a direct hit from a Dark Eldar weapon, the sick fucks having coated it with a slow acting and painful poison. He just wanted the pain to end. She wasn't letting him go though, and spent hours trying to save his life, juggling him with a few dozen other wounded soldiers.

Funny thing is that she was ignoring the people in her own regiment because their wounds were all superficial (Because the cowards were letting us do all the fighting), she was focusing on the common people. One guy In her unit got pissed that she wasn't treating the mild concussion that he had, and made a move to kill her patient. Next thing I knew, the jackass was dead on the ground, a scalpel having been driven right into his thought. She glared at his corpse and then went right back to work. She stayed with that man all through the night. Somehow, he pulled through. They're married now. I was there. The last time I smiled like that was when my daughter was born.