Chapter 34: Avoiding Stoopid Deaths

Ta all 'da little Boyz out 'der 'oo want ta be a warboss wun day. Dis iz warboss spine rippa. I was a boy like yer wun day, but now i have ma very own WAAAGH! an' yer know wot? yer kan ta! but furst yer gotta live ta be a nob, an' 'dat ain't easy. Millions uv Boyz die every day. But spine rippa iz ere ta teach yer how ta make it ta be'n a nob. Once ya're a nob, ya're wun step closa ta be'n a warboss, got it? so listen up ya zogg'n gits! I'z only gonna say dis once!

1. 'umie guns suck: wot 'da zogg'n shit are dose 'umiez play'n at? dere guns shoot light! wot kind uv zogg'n gun shoots light!? eitha it shoots bullets or it isn't a gun, it's a fuck'n microwave! no self respect'n boy would eva get kaught wit' wun! take dere ships, take dere planes, take dere tanks (i've got a looted baneblade dat i always ride 'n when I'z lead'n ma WAAAGH!, 'sept i gave it more dakka so it's betta now) but don't take dere stink'n guns. I've seen many a boy wit' a bright future ahead uv 'em gunned down 'cos 'e wasn't us'n a propa orky gun. Real Boyz don't let otha Boyz use guns dat aren't orky.

2. Don't get zogged off uv da WAAAGH!. Look, i have a weirdboy, an 'e's a gud weird boy, gets shit done. I tell 'em ta zap a konvoy uv 'umie tanks, 'e zaps im. Kills all 'da weak 'umiez inside, leaves (enough) uv 'da tanks for us ta loot. Propa weirdboy. But 'e's got dese weird little ways uv amus'n himself. 'e likes ta charge up 'da WAAAGH! 'n his staff, den stick his face 'n it. 'e duz dis for zogg'n hours on end. 'e talks looney when 'e duz it too, real looney. 'e kan handle it 'cos 'e's a big'un, but 'e shares it wit' 'da smalla Boyz too. Too many heads are 'plod'n. Let da weird Boyz handle da WAAAGH!, yer jus stick ta shoot'n an' chopp'n.

3. Bikes are for riding, not fly'n. Speed freaks love dere bikes, an i know where dey're kom'n from, i used ta have a bike back when i was a wee boy. Lost it kuz some zogg'n space marine git smashed it up gud wit' his hamma. Wun uv im khorne worshipers, had his own bike. Me an' a bunch uv otha Boyz piled on 'em an' zogged 'em up an' i took his bike. Lost it tree weeks lata 'cos some git painted it purple. Anyway, bikes are fun, but yer don't fly im. I got dis wun mekboy 'oo managed ta strap a few rockets ta his bike, along wit' a few starship parts, an now everyone wants ta kopy 'em, even dough only 'e kan do it right. Dey keep rid'n off cliffs afta 'em, even dough dey keep krash'n at 'da bottom uv kanyons. Dose Boyz are inspir'n...but dey need ta fuck off wit' break'n 'da bikes ma mekboys built for im.

4. Ain't no such fing as rockaz or brewers: i got dis painboy, i kall 'em dok, an' 'e whines all day about how 'der ain't any rockaz or brewaz anymore. No idea wot 'e's talk'n about. 'e said 'e didn't used ta be a painboy, 'dat 'e used ta rock out when we went on a WAAAGH!, but i fink dok iz los'n it. Any ol git kan make grog (note ta self, make da gretchen make more grog) an' rockin? isn't dat wot dem noise marines do? i don't like dem noise marines, dey use da kolor pink an' i hates da kolor pink. Don't be like noise marines, don't go out wit' a guitar or a keg a grog. Take a choppa or a shoota. Boyz wit' kegs are drunk an' awesome sounding, but dey die. I gotta talk wit' dok

5. Yer need ta allocate: i gots a kommodore ta manage me fleet. 'e kould be kalled admiral but we agreed kommodore sounds betta. Admirals are stupid 'umiez. Anyway, i don't manage da fleet. I tell 'da komodore wot i want 'da fleet ta do, an 'e makes it happen. I tell 'em ta take a moon base an' let 'em work out 'da specifics. 'e's gud at it. Drew a moon at 'da otha moon an' krushed everyone 'der, 'e's a genius! so listen up Boyz! when yer boss gives ya kommand ova otha Boyz, ya gots ta allocate, ya kan't handle everyth'n yourself. Yer need ta have some otha Boyz do'n yer work for yer. Otherwise ya end up like da boy 'oo tried ta fix da enjin an' drive da buggy at da same time. Stop driv'n me flash kars off cliffs!

6. Ya kan't duct tape too many shootas together: i fink every boy i eva met went throo dis phase. We were so young, so innocent, so pure 'n our pursuit uv moar dakka. But it iz a reckless an' disrespectful method uv obtain'n dakka. Yer see Boyz, dakka iz an art form. Mekboys have toiled away for centuriez ta find more refined an' elegant methods uv dakka, an' our pale imitations are an insult ta im. Wot's more, it's dangerous. We all want ta strap a dozen different shootas togetha when we're young an poor, but it takes ta kome apart an shoot more uv our Boyz dan anyth'n else. Hey, it happens ta da best uv us, jus take da teeth uv everyone yer kilt if it happens an buy a propa gun wit' dakka. But don't do it 'n da furst place. Ya git.

7. Don't go ta see da painboy: dok iz an 'ception, 'e got some uv dem fancy 'umie medical textbooks an' 'e's been try'n ta actually put Boyz back togetha. But seriously, if yer go ta a painboy, it's probably 'cos yer boss iz zogg'n pissed at yer. Ya might as well jus nail yer bits back togetha. 'dat's wot i did, an' i turned out jus fine. Fing only fell off twice. Dok kept whin'n about tetanus an' a bunch uv garbage, but Iz jus fine. So nail yer arm back on its stump or some ta see dok. Most painboys are only gud for cybernetics or ya test'n how high yer pain dreshold iz. So don't go 'der if yer have a toothach. Wimp.

8. Rememba where teh WAAAGH! iz go'n. Space iz big an it's easy ta get lost. I rememba when 'der was dis 'umie fortress world 'dat i was gunna knock ova wit' ma WAAAGH!. It was real fun. We spent seventeen years on 'dat planet fight'n' 'umiez, stomp'n' an' be'n kilt, 'da 'umiez even sent 'n a bunch uv dere space marines an' sistaz uv WAAGH!. 'sept some Boyz got lost an' somehow ended up gunna 'da eye uv terror by mistake. Which kan be fun, but yer're supposed ta wait for 'da rest uv 'da WAAAGH! ta showz up before yer do 'dat. Otherwise ya jus die before da fight'n' starts, 'dat's no fun! kome on Boyz!

9. Get a bigga shoota when ya kan: we all rememba 'da furst shoota we got. When i was a wee boy, i spent months sav'n up all ma teeth from 'da flash gitz i punched out an' i finally got me furst shoota. It was bootiful. I rememba how i kilt six goffs wit' it 'da furst time 'dat i used it. It was love. But, as i became a bigga boy, i needed a bigga gun. I still have ma furst shoota, but i neva use it anymore. Sorry lads, but yer gotts ta know when ta upgrade. Ya kan't try an kill a karnifex wit' a wee boy'z shoota. I've seen Boyz try, it doesn't work.

10. Boyz ain't projectiles: dat mekboy wit' da fly'n bike? i gots ta have a word wit' 'em, 'e's got a few screws loose. 'e keeps strapp'n bombs ta da gretchen, putt'n im on a shoulda mounted katapault, an' shoot'n im at da enemy. It's all fine an' gud when 'e uses da gretchen, but when 'e runs out 'e starts do'n it wit' otha Boyz. Dis iz a problem 'cos 'e duz it wit' ma Boyz. Don't do stuff like dis wit' yer fellow Boyz, do it ta annuver boss's Boyz. 'e kan get away wit' it 'cos 'e's got da fly'n bike, but i've had ta knock a few heads off when i had otha Boyz kopy'n 'em. An' dey got some distance.

11. Orks are neva beaten 'n battle… we kan always kome back for annuver go: listen Boyz sometimes ya take a lick'n. Dis iz gud, if yer win every fight it gets bor'n. Next time ya get a chance, go outside an' fight a gretchen a hundred times 'n a row. Ya'll be bored by fight ten. Dough dat might be 'cos da gretchen will be dead by dat point. It's more fun ta fight a nob every once 'n awhile. Like when i got a big ol rock an' tried ta bash a nob's head 'n wit' it. Got some nob teeth ta buy a new choppa wit'. Had ta run dough, 'cos 'e knocked af uv ma teeth out wit' wun punch. I went back ta 'em when i was a nob myself an' we had a propa fight wit' choppas, it was da best. But i've seen many a boy 'oo did wot i did an didn't run away. Dey got dere teeth used as teef. Wit' dere teeth still attached ta 'da rest uv dere heads.

12. Toenails ain't teeth: da fuck Boyz? 'der are tree fings as a boy ya never, eva do. Ya don't say ya have enough dakka, ya don't say ya're tired uv fight'n', an' ya neva use anyth'n 'sept teeth as teef. I had dis wun boy 'oo tried ta buy some shootas from ma warband before it was a propa WAAAGH! an' 'e used some uv his toenails. I strapped 'em ta 'da hood uv ma buggy an' drove 'em throo a kactus patch an' den into a wall. Several times, once foe each toenail.

13. Make sure yer get gud bioniks. 'da sign uv any propa boy on his way ta becom'n a nob iz dat 'e's konsider'n gett'n bioniks. Not every boy duz, but if yer do, yer gotta make sure yer're gett'n da gud stuff. I have dok give me bioniks all 'da time. 'e keeps whin'n about "oh, ya have ten percent uv yer original body left, 'der's noth'n left ta replace," but i get 'em ta do it anyway. But ya gotta make sure ya get da gud stuff. Sometimes a painboy doesn't kare or iz jus drunk when 'e operates, so 'e jus sticks a gear shift 'n da stump for an arm yer were try'n ta get replaced. Not 'da best bioniks, an ya tend ta get kilt 'n a fight when ya're try'n ta hold a choppa 'dat way. Find a painboy 'dat won't do 'dat, or will at least tape yer choppa ta 'da shift.

14. Mega armor ain't for boyz: look, i know every boy dreams about 'da day 'e'll get his very own suit uv mega armor, but it ain't for boyz. Dey's for nobs, nobs 'oo have proven demselves at 'dat. We don't jus let any zogg'n git get a suit uv mega armor, 'dat shit iz 'pensive, ya gotta get lots uv teeth ta teef yer mekboys for im. Boyz kan't make 'dat much, dere teeth will rot by 'da time dey get ta 'da halfway point at 'da rate a boy makes teeth, an dats if dey work all day for a really snobby flash gits boss. Boyz eitha work demselves ta deth do'n dis, give up, or try ta steal mega armor. Any nob or boss 'oo 'as mega armor will kill anyone 'oo so much as scratches it. Yer don't wanna know wot we do ta dieves. We go ta pain Boyz for ideas.

15. Ya kan't rokkit jump: dis was an idea da zogg'n krazy mek boy kame up wit', fir'n rokkit launchaz at da ground ta shoot yourself up. 'e got five-hundred Boyz kilt before i started ta suspect 'dat it might not work. We got up ta two-thousand when we had ta declare da project a failure. 'e's now work'n on 'da principles uv strapp'n Boyz ta missiles fired from ma battlekroozaz. We're try'n ta use it for board'n actions, an' it's great for gett'n Boyz onto otha ships. We're work'n on im be'n alive when dey get 'der, it's science n shit. Anyway, don't rokkit jump, kuz we already have more blasted off legs dan we know wot ta do wit', dok sewed as many as 'e kould onto otha Boyz an' Iz full, so it'd be a waste.

16. Rememba ta skin 'umiez before ya eat im: people fink 'dat 'umiez are a nice quick little snack, an' 'n a way dey kinda are. But dok 'as had ta kut open more dan wun dead boy ta find 'dat his stomach 'as ruptured 'cos 'e found wun uv dose punie guard helmets 'n it. Dem 'umiez have real krappy armor but it gets stuck 'n a lot uv places if yer try an eat it. I once spent a month try'n ta get dis wun akquilla fing outta ma teeth us'n dok's scalpel. Take 'da time an' tear off all 'dat zogg'n waste before ya enjoy yer meal. Or jus eat a squigg, i don't kare. Not mine dough.

17. Ya kan't wear space marine armor: dem space marines are propa zogg'n gits. "for da emperor" dey always go on an' on about. Dere emperor 'as been tak'n a shit for 'da past ten-thousand years, an also, gork an mork would smash 'em up 'cos 'da emperor iz jus a big 'umie. 'e's a 'umie boss. An' it's gud 'dat even 'umiez understand 'dat 'da biggest iz 'da boss, 'da biggest 'umie iz still jus 'umie. An' 'umie powa armor ain't no mega armor. Desperate Boyz sometimes try ta squeeze into it when dey kan't get mega armor demselves, an' lazy nobs sometimes try ta take some as a shortcut. We kilt a bunch uv dem ultra marine zogs an i had tree boyz get stuck 'n dere armor an wun nob stuck his head 'n an ended up gett'n 'da whole fing stuck on his head. Walked right into ma baneblade as it was mov'n forward. Get real armor boyz.

18. Be kareful wit' squigs: squigs are funny little fings. Dey're gud for eating, stomp'n', an be'n pets, but yer gotta be kareful wit' im. Dey're vicious little gits, got sharp teeth an an appetite ta use im. Dis kan be used ta yer advantage. Had a hoard uv squigs set on im eldar once, mauled a kouple dozen uv im. It was real fun, den me an' 'da Boyz played marbled wit' im funny stones dey all had. But den wun uv 'da Boyz shot wun uv im into a squig's mouth an shoved his hand 'n 'der ta try an get it back. Lost his hand, an 'e ran away when 'e saw dok koming, so 'e died. Didn't even get da stone back. So be kareful wit' squigs Boyz, dey've got a mean bite.

19. No napp'n while fly'n 'da ship: i've had 'da kommodore komplain ta me about dis more dan once. 'e sometimes 'as ta go into 'da back ta get his uniform 'n order, 'e's got 'da nice jacket, da hat an' some weird bird fing on his shoulder, it takes time ta maintain. An when 'e duz 'dat, 'e reliez on boyz ta fly da ship. 'e kan't be 'der all 'da time. But sometimes some uv da boyz 'e 'as 'der are a bit on da lazy side. Scrapped a coupla moons when 'e was try'n ta get his bird ta stay on his shoulda jus right. Might have broken 'da kockpit uv me favorite ship. Might have ordered da remains fired into da sun. I was 'n a bad mood 'dat day.

20. Do someth'n ta warrant becom'n a nob: see, ere's da fing. Ya kan't stay a boy foreva. All Boyz die someday, dey're too weak an' too many ta stay around foreva. Eventually a nob or someone 'oo isn't an ork will kill im eventually. If yer want ta become a nob, yer kan't stay a little boy. Yer've got ta go out an' do someth'n ta earn becom'n a nob over, otherwise yer will eventually die as a nob. So kill a space marine wit' yer rokkit launcher, drow some bombs 'n a karnifex's mouth, smash a farseer's stone dingy an' watch 'em scream. Do someth'n like dat, become 'da ork i know yer kan be, an' yer will feel 'da change. Ya grow'n stronga an' bigga.

any ork kan be a nob, but it takes a push. Dis iz me giv'n yer a push, 'cos i see so many boyz 'n ma WAAAGH! 'dat i know have wot it takes ta become some uv 'da best nobs i've eva seen. So get out 'der, do someth'n ta become a nob, an den buy yourself a grog ta celebrate. I know ya kan do it, an' when ya're all nobz, we're gonna ta drash some otha bosses ta get boyz so ya all have someone ta boss around. Den we're gonna go smash up 'dat "terra" place. We got dis boyz! ere we go ere we go! let's do dis!

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